i m a step closer 2 straightening this out... i hope!
i'm pretty sure of myself in any other stuff... noe wat i want, where i wanna go, wat i wanna/ gotta do... but this... *shake head* has YET AGAIN caused me 2 not dare trust my heart n mind. i dare not trust myself! can u imagine so many pp tell me they 'admire' me 4 my rationality?! n how sure-footed i m?! muahaha. anyway, juz realised i need 2 forgive myself... dat s one i havent covered. yep.
---
m pretty touched by how my colleagues have looked out for me this week. how AA said he wouldnt like it if he was in my position & tried 2 work out something 4 me... n MM listening 2 me blow, looking out for me in meetings n explaining wen she tot i'd b lost. n another staff! new staff! i'm finally a field coach! i love 2 coach. err... but havent tried this area yet. we'll c.
---
a saluate to all my frenz who's poured so much of themselves into the lives of their students.
HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!
Ms Yew! miss u! haha...! m so impressed n touched d other time (wat u did 4 ur student!) u really got my respect, gal!
n Mrs Chan! gal, sorry i keep postponing my visit! really swamped! so amazing seeing how u've changed fr spunky, cant-care-less student 2 some1 who s responsible n loved by students!
n WL... Ms Hohoho! u so cute... i'd love 2 ve u teach me!
n my x YA frenz! Happy teachers' day!
---
GTG sleep... been feeling unwelll today... actually for d past few thurs n fris i think...had prob wif d weather changes...hot/cold. today's cold n wet weather'd b gd if i m on leave n plan 2 stay in wif e books! too cold n wet! felt feverish. had a hard time in meetings n going thru d day! come 2 think of it... time 2 take leave again...
anyway... nitez...

finished e 599-paged novel, isobel's wedding this morning. frankly, i have no idea y my fren recommended me this book. isobel is some1 who s pretty sordid n really doesnt noe herself! fed up n wondered where this all is heading... i succumbed 2 d temptation ard p560+ n turned 2 e last page... yep... she actually decided in d very last min dat it was a mistake n left her 'original' fiance at the altar! thereby trumping his scumbag act of leaving her high n dry 2 weeks prior 2 their "wedding" 1st time round. i cant believe it! well, since i had only 30+ pages left, i finished it anyway, shaking my head totally disapprovingly...

it's wedding galore! hah... L sms-ed me yesterday - "woman why you never answer call or reply sms one? does that mean you dun wanna attend my wedding?" whoa.. so shiong! i was in meeting the whole morning mah... phone on silent lah... then when i finally got 2 explain my hesitation: i'm organising V's wedding d very next day... she said, "oh, so for a rehearsal u r not coming for my wedding?!!" whoa.. i got worried. her tone was !! hmm... "it's juz a clarifying question!" she said twice(n rather harshly too!) hmm... called her back later at night to hear dat she was "juz joking lah..." yeah yeah... "i'll still love u even if u dun come..." well, i'm not putting dat claim to test! moreover, i really wouldnt wan 2 miss seeing how gorgeous she ll look in her gown, would i? ;)

i need something un-depressing 2 read! finished Sophie Kinsella's Can You Keep a Secret? on sat. side-splitting! was shaking so uncontrollably on mrt n buses trying to contain my laughter... helped dispell my sucky mood... a little (n finally finished freakonomics today)

now reading Isobel's Wedding by Sheila O'Flanagan (like her last name!), so far it's abt this gal whose fiance cancelled on her 2 weeks b4 her wedding... depressing stuff... think it's the 1st time ever i'm tempted to flip 2 the back 2 read its ending n chuck it if it's a bad one... but well... i dun give into temptation easily (yeah rite.......) so shall plough thru the 400+ pages more. like the psyho-med text dat's taking me ages... depressing stuff - these psychiatric disorders... n not anywhere near being well-written. i juz cant get myself 2 complete it earlier, neither can i bring myself 2 walk away fr it mid-way. so yeah, shall finish it anyway in 10 dayz n return it.*promise*

n QT - doing Ecclesiastes now... those "meaningless, meaningless..." passages... i seriously cant get past ch4 in my state. decided to do philippians instead. yeah... the rejoice book. going thru the verses with feverish desperation hoping 2 get some truths esp on the rejoicing part hammered into my thick head!
this feels like a prolonged PMS! except dat i really m not having PMS now! argh!
i wanna change my template too... but... then, looking at my super long to do list, this will make... number 169!

dis is gonna be a long week... m so not ready for it! God, SOS!

i blogged sometime back dat i dun wan to give in to the voice dat keeps telling me all dis is juz too unfair... but... i guess sub-consciously heeded it... like the unwitting sailor enticed n drawn to the sirens' song...

rules of economics n psy tell us dat we function fundamentally on dis question - "wat is it for me?" more nicely put "is it worth it?"
n hence we try our utmost/bestest/chi nai de li(chinese) to gain leverage/adv/an edge. FREAKONOMICS showed again n again we are incentive-driven... dat given the right (or rather wrong incentives) even teachers cheat!

then again... i think... n so does FREAKONOMICS... dat we too r very much FEAR-driven!

wen we say "unfair" or try to get ahead... it is cos we r afraid of losing... (so s'porean huh)
watever it is, it all boils down to self-reliance n a failure to acknowledge n c dat God is sovereign n in control.

haiz... *shake head* i'm tired of dis... fed up at dealing wif incentive n fear-driven pp... pp who constantly ask "wat s in this for me?" fed up of me too.
oops. hmmm... i dunno how i got to blogging this... anywayz...

i have to stop wanting to run-away... i'm not an escapist but i m tired of battling. so tired of being the nice person.. always there... for u to walk all over... for u to impose all those demands... for u to dump dis on me. i'm so not-gotten-together. dun think i m lah pls. i feel like screaming... but somehow i lost my voice.

i need to get back to God... to recognise He is in control.however unpleasant, it s worth it cos He has put it in my life for a purpose. it is Rom 8:28...

Lord, i hand dis S thing to u... i repent fr de thinking dat dis is all too unfair... n the coaching thingy... n the guys recruitment. i'm sorry to have let these bog me down so so much. i cast them back to You. in You i trust. i lost my eloquence. i dunno how to pray anymore. but You do. Rom 8:26. You do. n i thank You.

super long chinese MVs entry

给在我的生命中留下足迹的你 (XLLLAC)…
时间不能冲淡或让我遗忘我们的一切

都是你 - 光良
谁改变了我的世界 没有方向没有日夜
我看着天这一刻在想你 是否会对我一样思念
你曾说我们有一个梦 等到那天我们来实现
我望着天在心中默默念下一秒你出现在眼前
想念的心装满的都是你
我的钢琴弹奏的都是你
我的日记写满的都是你的名
才发现又另一个黎明
这是我对你爱的累积

珊瑚海 词:方文山 曲:周杰伦

男:海平面远方开始阴霾
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈
女:你用唇语说你要离开
男:心不在
男女:那难过无声慢了下来
男女:汹涌潮水你听明白
不是浪而是泪海
男:转身离开分手说不出来女:你有话说不出来
男女:海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
男女:我们的爱差异一直存在
女:回不来
男:风中尘埃竟累积成伤害女:等待竟累积成伤害
男女:转身离开分手说不出来
男女:蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白

男:当初彼此不够成熟坦白女:你有我的不够成熟坦白
女:不应该
男女:热情不再笑容勉强不来
男女:爱深埋珊瑚海

男:毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切结束太快
你说你无法释怀
女:贝壳里隐藏什么期待
男:等花儿开
男女:我们也已经无心再猜

女男:脸上海风咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来
男:转身离开分手说不出来女:你有话说不出来
男女:海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
男女:我们的爱差异一直存在
女:回不来
男:风中尘埃竟累积成伤害女:等待竟累积成伤害
男女:转身离开分手说不出来
男女:蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白
男:当初彼此不够成熟坦白女:你有我的不够成熟坦白
女:不应该
男:热情不在笑容勉强不来女:你的笑容勉强不来
男女:爱深埋珊瑚海

孤单北半球

i love 欧得洋enuf to have spent my birthday last year at his concert! haha. finally found d 2 versions of this song! or rather.. finally bothered 2 look 4 them...

check out d gal's version - a reply 2 d original version

woke up today(sunday) telling God, "God, help me be patient... i dun want to lose my patience wif the kids..." well, i din! my 'boiling point' was lifted way above... hah... we 'celebrated' teachers' day today... finally the THANK YOU item is over! d kids did well. haha they anyhow perform during pract... but on stage they suddenly became all prim n proper n respectful! n take instructions so well! such angels! haha! m proud of my sis too! did well today! hee!

was walking back to cc alone n was humming dat song dat s so deeply drilled into my head this week n pondering over the power of "thank yous" - they have such 'fuelling' effect... n how we need to know n be reminded dat we make a diff... was even pondering over how it links to wat i was reading in freakonomics abt incentives... nvm...shant type out all i have thot...

was v touched by FA who wants 2 b blogged as XX ! she actually took e trouble 2 teach me how 2 play this! wow! i shall pract! listening to it, realised d song s not in C! in F maybe??nvm...toi se co gang hoc de choi!!


akan datang - Jay Chou's MVs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRYS!!

i love you, gal!

went to see those boeings and airbuses fly by overhead. i cant cry anymore. hopefully cos i m done crying.
think i'll go uncover my piano n play a few tunes now b4 it's too late... i must b really stressed n upset huh... (re S n min) i never want to play piano one...

somehow waking up, i knew today is a "I NEED A HUG" day... thankfully got some... fr YT, Sha FR 2x (haha... she was so generous!) n jan C ( knowing touch is my love lang, hugged 2x n gave me a massage! so touched!) i guess they helped ready me for wat came after....

i dun wan to give in to the voice dat keeps nudging me, n telling me this is all too unfair.
it s not unfair... juz a bit hard to noe where all these will lead to... gotta walk by faith...

warning! verbal diarrhoea AGAIN.
9.37pm juz opened a mail dat went:
"Congrads! You have been elected as an emerging leader of your local ministry. As part of our on-going process of getting you ready for leadership, we have put together a simple program to give you some traction. As per my discussion with your TLs the dates below are ..."
wat discussion wif my TL?! i m the TL! so, now, on top of TP, Med team mit, med undergrads team mit, LTTF+, DFG, HR, CITF, TL, i need to attend a meeting dat TL's dun attend - emerging leaders meetings. (which r for pp going to be TLs...) sianz... so much for the merge. i noe it s beneficial, n much alignment is needed. but so many meetings?!?!wat abt min man?!?!

called MM immediately after i exploded (actually right aft i blogged the previous paragraph)while the mushroom-like toxic cloud of emotions(very much like the A-bomb pics) looms... slowly dissipating...
i'm calm now. like i told MM, i'm fine... juz needed some air 2 breathe. too many meetings. need 2 noe wat s my priorities n key contribution areas n equipping i need 2 go 4... cant spread myself too thin... counter-productive.

ok. here's pics taken at planetshakers concert:






had a gr8 time wif these peeps! n then hanging out at macs after... fun! n i love e opposite jumps we did! haha

today's Grey's Anat ended wif something like:
we know we'll get bitten in the end
yet we do it anyway... [on derek n meredith agreeing on hanging out tog as juz frens]
juz frens [yeah... cheat urself, cheat d other person... end up hurting more than b4...]

there's no such thing as "juz frens" [stop cheating urself if deep down u noe dat at least 1 of u wan more than "juz frens"]

12.25am scrubs this episode's theme question:
wat was ur best moment in medicine? [LOL!]

saluate to my sis, the super sunday sch superintendent

took the whole sunday sch session today cos sis asked me to do teachers' day item. took time to go thru OA wif them, then the song... vomit blood man... funny how coming out of sunday sch i cannot tahan them anymore... so close 2 boiling point. until on stage, i shouted, "HEY!" then reb "whispered" to sa, "whoa she can be fierce one..." think i nice, easy 2 bully huh?!

i juz go sunday sch 2 x dis year i already feel the toil... i saluate my sis who perseveres in her service week after week... work on her "crowd control" n patience, n disciplining skills... n how she cares n pours so much effort n heart into them... m encourage n spurred on by her faithfulness. i really respect dis gal man! Lord, honour her, bless her, cos her to bear much fruit!

do you love me?

rant. rave.
hvhefui cewyruivhewuirshuifdyty uihdfsuidhfuiagetiashuihuifd
do you love me?
i need u. i need u.

kinda feeling discouraged n upset. tired. empty. i run out of gas so easily huh! "If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?" Jeremiah 12:5
feeling real deflated right now...
farnie cos my stomach's so full of air n krys says she havent heard someone burp so much b4...silly. took milk...then curry... diarrhoea like crazy... my stomach's growling so much it sounds like a disgruntled bulldog.
Lord, too much giving out. i need refilling...
You promised Your strength in my weakness, You promised Your grace is sufficient. i rest in Your embrace.

everyday really is an adventure... started out not so ready to plunge into today... but bo pian... got meeting... n i were not really looking fwd 2 meeting my appts today. but they all turned out real well! i felt overwhelmed by God's grace n His assurance in my life, n min.

hearing JY's MBBS miracles, i felt God again speak to my heart saying what He has been telling me during this period- ask anything in my name n i'll do it. steph called me 2 tell me how the meeting wif housegroup leaders went. they were v supportive abt OA! n they themselves said they'll discuss n partner for accountability n prayer in hsegroup! yay! n whom i tot is my biggest critic emailed her to ask her to tell me dat i'm doing a good job! wow! come home, got call fr JWei. m encouraged by him... got end of posting test... cant come up wif sharing etc... but still pressing on. n he said YES to being SM!!! *little dance* n msn... MA asked me... "dear, are you ok? your blog posts have gotten rather alarming" felt loved... jo's sms in d afternoon dat she s praying for me... felt loved... n her meeting up wif the M1s... n how they kinda knew each other n senior crusaders n how they have tokked abt considering crusade... n now msn-ing a D5 n he is saying "I do want to go down myself too cos I feel the burden for them"...

God is working n encouraging me so much... how can i not be excited, uplifted?! it really is by His grace we are called to serve, to do what He has given us to do. n wat He has given us to do, He will accomplish it thru us by His power. such grace. such privilege. i'm so happy.

tmr... meeting more freshies! n then ST... n then...! i'll go planetshaking! haha! planetshakers r in town! woohoo!

so Lord, i've ask, n i thank You. love You. Need You.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY S'PORE!

why i wont ever want to b a president:
come to the national day parade real late (miss all the pre-parade fun!) and leaving earliest (cant tok to other pp,sit there alone n only nod head to start the parade...so minimum partying...(this year Mr President got in more handshakes... he din juz go into his limo, but went round giving handshakes to kids standing near).

why i love being a S'porean:
- it has the good, clean, SMART, visionary govt!
- gd economy, security, sound policies
- look where we've come in these short 41 years! so glad we kena kicked out of m'sia in 1965!
there's no beta place on earth than Singapore!

wat s wrong wif mahathir?? does he want 2 bring down d m'sian govt? yo man! chill... retire gracefully lah... dun hurt ur daughter like dat la. c father shoot hubby.. no fun. y use machine gun n spray the whole govt? v noisy... bloody mess. relac lah.. let ur son-in-law do his job. the pp who followed u feels he's doing well... so y tarnish ur legacy? dun turn pp against u.

i've been lugging my swim stuff ard 4 2 dayz 4 nothing! haiz... deserately need 2 exercise! feeling sluggish!
bro says CLICK is good.... hmm...

spent 2day tokking wif LF,joanna,Shee,Lyd, jo... interesting. *taps fingers on chin* this year's freshmen v diff. chey, every year oso diff...
20 ok... 20M1s...
still upset... Lord, i give u my upset. grant me love, patience n wisdom 2 lead.

wow... i juz found out i m totally broke! thot i had $... but i was wrong! haha... gotta get reimbursed soon!!!
- - - - - -
i m again at a point of my life where i need 2 choose 2 trust the sovereignty of God as oppose to just seeing man's hand. in fact today hearing fr SS, i felt momentarily tranported back to 4 years ago... hah. the lesson - trust God's hand, trust your leader's heart has been learnt well. think i passed.
was gearing and gaining momentum... then was thrown a curve ball on monday afternoon. lost alot of steam. felt deflated. today hearing fr SS herself... more deflated... yet... somehow... got a feeling i will get pumped up again by the Holy Spirit cos i believe (n so does SS) dat dis is fr God. yes... n of course... that makes SS more than an answered prayer! yippee!

i said things r getting exciting... i really dun any idea!
the booklet "have you made the wonderful discovery of the Spirit-filled life?" has this line: Every Day can be an Exciting Adventure for the Christian who knows the reality of being filled with the Holy Spirit and who lives constantly, moment by moment, under His gracious direction...

..............

was a good day... exciting tho cos guitartist played a song in way slower tempo, n drummer played another wif changing tempos! haha... but i enjoyed it today...
after svc, spoke to a korean. tried my limited korean on her... her response was "oh! u speak very correctly!" then after much struggling wif her english, n my 10-word korean vocab, i found out she studies Chinese lang in uni! chey! then understanding each other went more smoothly afterwards! her chinese was pretty good!
youth- wen on this food trail... was kinda fun. 1st stop was to eat my fav - laksa!! went to order 3 bowls to share amongst my group of 11 pp! haha... d uncle asked "ai hum mai?" (eat laksa how can dun eat hum? it's a vital ingredient! juz make sure u ve got ur hep A jabs.) gissy taught me song fr the movie "3 good men" (to the tune of the nursery rhyme "i hear thunder"):
lang jiak hum ah
lang jiak hum ah
lang pang sai
lang pang sai
hum jiak sai ah
hum jiak sai ah
lang jiak hum
lang jiak hum!
was SO amused i kept singing it n even taught others! it's in hokkien btw... abt the vicious cycle! LOLOLOLOLOL!
disappointed dat we din get to eat fried ice-cream...
met up wif the gals at 430. glad it's 100% attendance.
reach home. was so tired. slept fr 730-1030pm... hmm...
now having meaningful msn conversations. gr8! PTL!

FOP!!

woo hoo!! had fun tonite! CCC band (christian city church), don moen, ed silvoso... was tired lah... back-to-back stuff d day whole day... so needed this time of worship. was rejuvenated.. for tmr! yay! seeing the indoor stadium totally packed reminded me of last summer at colorado state uni. totally packed wif staff worshipping- wonderful feeling!

in the midst of worship, felt God ask me to surrender all to Him - including the promises He gave me. i felt Him impressed upon my heart not to hold on so tightly but to give it back to Him with open hand - not even allowing His promises or answered prayers to hinder my irrevocable surrender unto Him. claim in faith, yet with an open hand.

i love my SMs! wat a wonderful God given bunch. had a gr8 time at SM training n ST meeting.

it's d end of d MSN conversation when...

1) i am lied to more than once. i hate liars. there's a HUGE diff btw crap/nonsense n lie. crap n nonsense, tears, screaming etc i'll take. but not lies. i dun get angry easily... but when i ask "who is lying?" i better not get silly pointing-of-fingers n "she's the queen of lies". if u lied, juz own up n i m cool. dun give me a lie, n another n another. dat s the surest way to end our conversation. i juz asked a simple question, n i told u i m not angry with you. now dat u lied, i m angry.
2) the person who wants to talk but doesnt listen. (can u pls listen? u arent! pls dun use ur "logic" 2 infer n jump 2 conclusions. u noe me. i mean wat i say, say wat i mean. ur sms replies tell me u still dun get wat i've been trying to tell u 4 d umpteenth time.

today (4th august) after i blogged the previous entry, i had my fill of irritating msn conversations! enuf is enuf! 2 final straws dat broke the camel's back.
whenever i m on msn, i m working. dat means either i m in my office or at home working on the comp. y do i go on msn? i work wif pp. it involves talking with them ALOT. i dun mind chatting. n some pp asked me abt interruptions n whether they r disturbing since i m working. i m fine. i'd love 2 talk 2 you.

2 possessions i value most are my words n time. i plan my use of them carefully. when i spend time n talk 2 u, NOE DAT it means i care n love u. i m willing 2 put my work on hold n give u as much time n talk(words) fr me as u wan. i dun need u to reciprocate. but... when i find dat i get falsehood in return, or find dat all u wan is mindless ego stroking instead of truth, i choose not 2 further squander my time n words.

excerpt of a msn chat dat took place JUZ now:

only Your grace, says: hello
evan says: hihi
only Your grace, says:

just wanna say GOOD NITE'S REST AHEAD!
only Your grace, says: love you!
only Your grace, says: <3

evan says: haha! ok... dats nice
evan says: u going off already?
only Your grace, says: man im like smiling now...thinking of the times when i love disturbing you
only Your grace, says: HAH
only Your grace, says: soon lah.
evan says: realli ?
only Your grace, says: yah lah
only Your grace, says: I FEEL SUPER RANDOM
only Your grace, says: hahahaha
evan says: nevermind... i m used to it
only Your grace, says:TSK.
only Your grace, says: is that a good or bad thing then?
only Your grace, says: haha
evan says: u decide haha
only Your grace, says: tsktsktsk
only Your grace, says:

eh wait, i realise i didn't see you last sunday!
evan says: u did...

only Your grace, says: did i?
only Your grace, says: haha
only Your grace, says: but you didn't have lunch with us.
only Your grace, says: oh you did
only Your grace, says: the other table.
only Your grace, says: NO WONDER.
evan says: yah... walk down to mrt tog, took same mrt tog, went KFC tog...
only Your grace, says: hahaha
only Your grace, says: haiya i was walking with i-cant-remember-0who what
only Your grace, says: hahaha

charm, u make me smile... =)

ok... frivolous stuff 1st: i really love jon leong's voice! ahhhhhhhh!! n hady's! i dun follow much but yeah fr watever i ve heard... my pick 4 final 4 in SI2:Jon Leong, Hady, Rahimah, Paul 2hill.
i still get the creeps reading wat pp blog abt me (wat i said or did) or simply mentioning my name! juz read 2 entries fr youths... was good things...1 was abt wat i said during cell (my initial response was like "huh? i did?!" shudder!). haha... all d spiritual stuff i said she din blog... something abt "feelings" hit home. was extremely encouraged by d other1 who said in response 2 my OA presentation dat she wants 2 bring pp 2 Christ! whoa made me so happy lah.. anyhowz still got d tingling feeling in my spine - kena mentioned in blogs... eeks!

oh oh... abt youths wanting 2 bring pp 2 Christ... sunday Woot shared wif me abt her sharing experience. was so so amazing how she turned (as she said) a moment of crappiness to a witnessing opportunity abt "what's the meaning of life?" leading up to the gospel! got her to promise me to share it in church some weeks later during OA's step 5!

haiz...OA... sis n i tokked abt something dat so irritated me on sun:
K.I.S.S - Keep It Simple, Stoooopid!!!

OA... must really sit down to plan carefully, properly... a 6 mths lead-up 2 christmas... teach, gather, consolidate, lead, build momentum...

got more contacts fr NUS today... whoa... this year feels so different! must prepare our nets!

直到看见复兴

was something i wanted to lay my hands on since i saw it on TV eons ago... the beauty of languages!
every tribe, every tongue... waiting 4 d day!


last week MINIMITATOR, today, matric.
yesterday's Channel News Asia was saying they will focus on the influential. the tagline i caught was "influencing the influential"... hmmm... so crusade! ha