something incredible JUZ happened. (like a min ago when i was just loading this page!) that someone sms me to ask for forgiveness! my reactions:
1. i m surprised. (eyes widened, mouth ajar kinda surprised)
2. i wonder if this is the real deal. cos it s been so long drawn, bitter n ugly n too many sorrys were made out.
3. i hope this is the real deal. i really do. not juz for my sake but for his n everyone's. it's been such a draining yet growing experience. we all r so tired fr this, but of course we've all grown. the principles of Matt 18 n "love covers over a multitude of sins" are difficult. but needful. i ve learnt n grown.
4. of course i wasted no time in replying him to say i've already forgiven him. n i accept his sorry. thanks bro! n enjoy his hol.
5. i'm sealing this apology n acceptance of it in Christ. let it be final. it s been paid for in Christ, let forgiveness be extended, healing administered by the Holy Ghost, n reconciliation btw us to take place. Let Him who is our peace who has broken down every wall lead n guide us, portect n nurture our relationship in Him.

i had come online to blog abt the discovery of my 1st white hair!!!!! i saw it in the mirror juz now when i went to the bathroom to take off my contacts. it was excitment mixed with horror. i rushed in to tell my bro who was at the comp then n then called j. my first white hair at 28! whoa.....

so yeah. i had initially came home to rest. really v tired. but now... think my mind a bit blown away. cannot shut down properly. ahha. so let me type on.

worship went well today. pastor's wife asked me if i felt privileged to lead bishop in worship n get praised for it. n juz b4 i shrug it off as leading worship is leading worship, no matter who i m leading, that i realised, just this year, i ve led a number of bishops in worship - s'pore's, madagascar's, bolivia's n today, uganda's. n even tho my church is a small church, these bishops came cos of my pastor's appt. n on top of it, alot more pastors from diff churches n denominations too. (once in a service, we had 2 bishops, 3 reverends!) n today was not the first time a bishop thanked me re worship. but well, leading worship is leading worship. it's not made a bigger deal by who is in the congregation, it is a big deal cos worship is what saints do - sinners saved by grace, exalting a great n mighty God, the true n living God. the object of worship is what makes worship of it a big or small deal.

i liked the way we did "my redeemer lives" and "may our homes be filled.." i liked the way we played tog as a band today. i liked the "mo qi". i liked the way God comes n minister to His people. even thru the sermon. it's amazing how God has spoken thru every sermon these few months. i keep hearing how diff ones receive a timely word of rebuke, exhortation etc. God is alive, molding the likeness of His Son in each of us. praise Him who has begun a good work in us, cos He will never give up on us, and will bring His work to completion (perfection) until the day of His return.

this sms juz came in from Angie:

oh! i forgot to let u know THANK U FOR LEADING TODAY. it was AWESOME! i felt GOD gave me a BIG hug. it was like feeling a dad's heartbeat.

wow... cool huh. God is such a tender God. "hold me close, let Your love surround me.... bring me near, draw me to your heart~"

ok, i shall try to rest now. really falling apart physically. hope later it'll stop pouring, n clear up enough for me to go run. next week's my half marathon! n yesh................... the longest training i've done for it was the 3k run n 9k walk! jiat lat! lol

vindicated on fri.
only to find that i ve paid too high a cost.
lost my home ground.
hope?

hope crumbles down like a deck of cards.

like a sailboat out at sea and the winds cease


show me how You ll work this out.
Show me Your hand in this.
show me what You want of me.
Show me how i can glorify You thru this.

give me strength
give me hope
give me reason to go on, reason to believe
i chose to love
i chose to forgive



"God is my shield, saving whose hearts r true n right. God is an honest judge." Psalm 7:10.11a
may u rem God in ur situation. May he guide, strengthen n protect u.

juz wanna affirm u tat u r doing gd so far - trusting God n being humble. May God give u e endurance n wisdom 2go thru this. Jesus cares 4u n will help u.

dun blame yourself. it's really not you.

that's wat pp say.
what do You say?

thank you for joining us for E Van news (evan muse, or the venues).

the blogger is back but her chips r down.
juz when she thinks life's getting beta... n that she ll have time to breathe life onto her blog... she found out... she is wrong!

i m beginning to wonder if my sense of optimism is essentially terribly flawed.
m i hoping for hope's sake ( cos it's a better option, juz so that i dun drown in melancholic gloom), that it is really juz building castles in the air? is my hope based firmly in God?


how big is the 'plank' in my eye, i wonder.


i never know life can outdo itself so "wonderfully", i outdo myself so masochistically.
the journey: the peaks juz gets higher, the pits juz gets deeper.

vocab: the word "busy" juz gets more n more comprehensive, expansive. i never thought my "busy" could be this "busy". my "busy" has grown. "busy" juz gets "busier", "shitty" just gets "shittier". if it was a stock, i would be rich from its appreciation. n i'd get more "shit" if i've invested in it.
(disclaimer: do not think that the blogger has used any offensive language in this entry. your shit may not mean the same as the blogger's. any similarity is purely coincidental.)

"whether" forecast:
monsoon season. continuing the spell of severe emotional "(d)rain for these 2 days, we can expect thunder and hailstorms with torrential rain on thurs and friday. taking cover is futile. it's the work of the Almighty. the real Almighty. not Evan Almighty.

whether the weather is cold,
whether the weather is hot,
you've got to weather the weather,
whatever the weather
whether you like it or not.

we now go for a commerical break.

have a break, have a bipolar moment!

had a gr8 (totally!) time with lily yesterday. went 2 her house, she cooked for 4 persons - she, me, me n me. managed to finish all except some shreds of green. (which her hubby claimed tasted like pesticide. which made me wonder "how'd he know?" u mean u noe how pesticides tastes like? i asked her to reply him if the incident repeats itself that he isnt a pest, so she isnt trying to kill him.) talked crap. i managed to praise her cooking to the skies and caused her to come under delusion that she is the world's best cook in bid of securing my position as her number 2 fan. she claimed 1. that i m the most Christ-like person she knows even imitating His words (well, she had said it with more punch) when i quoted "i've come to turn mothers against daughters...." when i told her i'll get her daughter to invite me to her wedding disregarding her objections on grounds that i had boycotted hers., (both she n i agreed that she'll continue to use that against me for the rest of our lives cos it's juz too good to let up. i'll always be guilt ridden!) 2. that i sprout things that make very good quotes (she asked me to repeat some, n was visibly trying to remember them). looked at wedding pics (hers n QW's). her wedding vid made me tear. specifically her answer to "how do you know he is the one?" i m a diehard romantic. n so is she.

thank you for staying with channel NUTS. we've come to the end of transmission. pls tune in again next time, whenever 'next time' is. all programmes are rated PG-(profuse gabbing). only for the discerning, not for the faint-farted.
*evan anthem plays* Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo-oooooooo mari kita rakyat......

ya noe, i think the blogger is back! i hope she is.

there's many times in the day i'd think, "i want to blog this down!" but when i get home which is late, like 1245am tonight, i would be to tired or lazy to blog or worse, i would have forgotten what it was! like tonight. just at the beginning of supper min, i had a great blogging idea... but seriously, as i travelled the 90 mins home, i couldnt, for the love of me, remember what it was that i had so wanted to blog.

small wonder why writers who are serious (i think) about writing carry around pocket books to scribble writing ideas (not unlike what i did on the feeder bus past midnight tonight, trying to scribble down whatever's that's left of my million blogging topics!). no wonder too then that some writers carry around a tape recorder, and instead of scribbling frantically on whatever scraps of paper they can find, simply press the "record" button n speak discreetly into it. this method, i conclude, is no too bad for an illegible writer like me. but, not something i m crazy enough to do.

what i m crazy enough to do, however, is spending loads of money on books. i decided, after walking out of borders tonight, that my number one obsession is books. if you were to add up the value of the books i own... it'll come up to... (i had actually left the comp to go to my shelves to do a rough calculation!) at least $3000. and not to mention that i've only begun to accumulate this when i started working. so... in the short 6 n half years, i have enmassed alot! n mind you, i only bought them during sale (i get staff price!) so can u imagine the retail value? n these are just books i kept for myself. n i give books as presents. so yeah... i ve spent way more than what i have got left on the shelves! n hmmm... there's many books i've loaned out that's gone missing too... sigh. a small price to share the riches of knowledge? (haha... sorry kinda cheesy today... dunno why)

since i m talking abt books, let me tell you that for b'day, i ve gotten

- C.S Lewis' "Weight of Glory". which i have just finished. it was a delightful surprise fr M1 L. n it was a small miracle in itself cos it was small chance that anyone could get me a book that i hadnt already own. n on top of that, a book that i wanted to buy (like real soon, at the staff sale!) more on lessons from the book another time.

- $20 Borders gift card. from my lovely staff team. besides the wonderful card and dim sum treat. that's the reason for my late night borders shopping today after Supper Min cos today's the last day for the 30% online voucher. so i grabbed the chance to buy books there at 30% less. got "Masterclass in watercolours, oils, acrylics and gouache" and "starbucked".

so yeah... the borders gift card paid for "starbucked" which is, no prizes for guesses, on the story of starbucks! (did i tell u i love starbucks? i think it's revolutionary in creating a culture that was unthinkable. who would have thought you could sell a cup of coffee at $5 and pp would queue for it? v much like stories on Mac, Coke etc. culture changers, trend-setters. i love innovation n creativity, n of course world domination! wahaha. ok... i got carried away. more of that in another blog entry way later.) i had a hard time putting down Khaled Hosseini's "Kite Runner" and "a thousand splendid suns". it's only when i was nearing the cashiers' ( it was a v long queue!) that i decided, since i got a kino voucher from my company as bday gift, i shall buy "Kite Runner" with that.

- $10 Kinokuniya Voucher. refer to above.

(gotta note here that i've also gotten many other stuff that i really m thankful for. im blessed with lots. not so much abt the gifts, i'm talking abt their givers.)

so yeah... books are my obsession! i had even been toying with the idea of stopping work for a year to read, self-study (i dont have money to finance my studies la), paint, take pics! n if i do, then i'll be a frequent sight at starbucks! haha. which one i wont tell ya! more hahas.

sigh... dream on. if i dont work, where got money to paint? or buy frappucinos? chey. dream on darling!

wow i can really rattle on eh? oh oh, more thoughts. quick grab them!

i m energised by my book purchases! n i do really need to budget book money. i cant juz spend on them. someone (i forgot who... no surprises there) told me that sometimes spendthrift-ness (err... wat s the word or its correct form?) can be mistakenly labelled as generosity or masked by good bargains n we dont get to deal with our lack of discipline in handling money. well, i think i need to look into this area. i cannot be penny wise yet dollar foolish.

---

on my way out of the train station (oh i boarded the last train again tonight), my MP3 was playing "i can only imagine" n i think the line that caught my attention went like " when your face is before me...blah blah..." n i began imagining



well, if i m to see God face to face... i'd know i'm home. finally. that's when all my desires n pining will be fulfilled. the ache n pain (Rom 8:23) will be soothed. my joy shall be unexplanable yet complete, tho incomprehensible to me now. i know i shall be still. words will be too empty. i know i would cry tears of joy if there'll be tears in heaven (Rev 21:4). crying juz thinking abt it now

---

i cant even begin 2 thank u for your love! u never fail 2 amaze me with how deep your love is. i know n believe ur every "i love yous".

2.04pm

2.11am
imagine with me. something got stuck on you. dun ask wat. watever. n u try to take it off. it sticks to your hand. you try to pry it away with your other hand n it gets stuck on that other hand. you shake it, it doesnt fall off. you try using other apparatus. doesnt budge. its so darn stuck.

next. you try to throw away something on your desk, deciding that you've had had enough of it. dun ask wat. watever. you dump it into the wastebin beside your desk. n when you lift your head, it's there. back on your desk. you do it like 10 times with the same result. then you take it and walk to the rubbish chute, and throw it down. you saw it go down. but when you return to your desk, there it is again. then this time you tried to make sure you get rid of it by personally handing it to the rubbish collector when his huge rubbish truck came around. then you walk back to your house, to your desk. and sitting right there: it.

you can slum down into a heap of despair, shake your head in total disbelief, sink your chin into your palms in frowning resignation or laugh hysterically as if you've lost your mind. you can do one or all the above, even in sets of different permutations. but you juz cant walk away fr it. it's stuck as stuck is, on you.


imagination or realisation?
impossiblity or reality?
cup half full or half empty?
nightmare or wildest dream come true?
blessing or curse?

it is not how physically fit you are. it s more abt mental strength than physical stamina. tried to run on deepavali hol... n horror of horrors, i only managed to run 3k n walked 9! sigh... i wasnt tired or totally washed out. i juz didnt wan to run n didnt push. i could if my state of mind was otherwise. so yeah... i'm so dead for stand chart this year.

i realised that pp shudder abt getting a year older. it's funny... cos we are a day older everyday. and 4 most pp this compuonded reality only hits on their b'days. which is sad cos you're supposed to be happy dat day, not horrified. ahha. anyway, i've found more friends who were mournful to my surprise. for me, the horrors havent gotten me. i enjoyed being 27 last year. while i m pretty happy abt being 28, i did wonder if i would enjoy being 28 as much as i did 27 or more. i felt more than assured. if jn 10:10 or 15:5 is any true.

anyway, things were beginning to look up during the lull in my stressed period. then more work got placed on my plate. haha... n i began to wonder if i had only began to feel better so that i coud take on way more - took on presentation of OA 141 after pp culdnt n wouldnt do it, took on IC to organise Sisiterhood when pp couldnt n wouldnt, n then took on organising a med sisterhood, n d super-stressful accomplish-all showcase all, multi-media presentation in 30min campaign vision casting slot in meta. so yeah... while i took a breather from my speaking engagements and all kinds of projects, i took on more. i have decided that i m almost an innocent party in this "kill evan with min" conspiracy. haha. somehow, i oddly got this assurance that God is with me in all of this. tho right now, i have laboured almost futilely at the laptop. so yeah... now i m wondering if wat i juz typed is of any sense. no going back to read it. juz blabbering on.

cyn cooked us crabs eve of deepa when za n i visited. had a wonderful pig-out. we all (4 of us) continued to attest to God's faithful providence tho we had to admit it hadnt been easy. (understatement there). cyn looked so bloated n round...pregnancy in full glory!

JLo gave birth on deepa! n the time i visited them got blogged on cyber posterity. didnt know my visit that tiring day could been such a blessing to them n me. silly boy... couldnt u have come out on the 3rd?!?! u r late!

can u imagine how many of my friends r still getting hitched these 6 weeks? 6 friends! 6! (qwei, cheong c, pris long, gerald & dawn, sharon, jenn) n how many more r giving birth in these 6 weeks?!?! 4!!!!!!! (jac, cyn, yvonne, val) i m so broke! so happily poor!! so... u can ask me out... but do give alms k? lol

had a gr8 time with leen, XL n Di on sat. it s really a HUGE blessing we can still celebrate each other still. been tog for more than half my life! eeks! it is beginning to be embarrassing to tell others how long weve been friends! muahaha.

QW tied the knot on sun. had a gr8 time catching up with JC friends. we marvelled at how she successfully kept us in the dark for 5 years, shocked at our inability to recover from our disbelief, laughed at how she dared to invite me to be her wedding singer, agreed dat i make a better last min emcee than that brave, poor inexperienced guy. n of course all of us gathered round val like good old times to listen to her tell stories except this time, it's abt her n her pregnancy. she's still the matriach. hahah.

Jon sms me today to ask if i could bring up the exhibition to this sat. yes my artwork's gonna go on show. but this week's really bad. i got 2 presentations to make on tues n wed n i m dying here.... dun think i hav time... dunno if i'll take up his offer. but wat a dream come true. hope i can pull this off. i'm keeping my fingers crossed! but wait... how can i do dat, if i need to use them for typing?! hmmm...

sorry havent been blogging as much as i should. been really busy n stressed. n so very tired. been sick. n my vocal cords are in bad shape, according to an expert who ordered me not to sing for next 2 weeks n not talk as much or fast as usual. havent been checking my personal email or on msn in a while. sorry... (esp to ning... who was wondering y i didnt reply...)

yes... my birthday's juz passed. so how was it? to be truthful, it's the worst birthday i had in decades! haha... even b4 d day, things were bad (see previous paragraph) n i felt like this spoilt brat asking n demanding fr my family wat they would be giving me for my birthday. think i m regressing. instead of becoming a graceful n understanding adult, i behaved worse than when i was a child!

in the morning, had this really terrible brush at the shop while trying to buy my Canon H5IS. had woken up early to go down to shop so dat i could ve the whole aft to spend with God, journal and then work. it was an interesting feeling being a minority in Little India. the shop was totally crowded by pp trying to get stuff b4 deepavali. the shop keepers didnt bother with me until like 20 min later n even so, they took forever... n i mean FOREVER to fulfil my purchase. while i saw tens (i'm not kidding) of customers paid up for mere $100+ worth of merchandise, me, a big spending customer was ignored. i was close to tears at least 3 times in the 1hr 30min i was in that shop! but seriously, i preferred to buy from these pp then the chinese retailers in Sim Lim. pretty dishonest. by the time i finally walked out of the shop, i had managed to get them slash their price by more than $200! Indians are more straightforward. name their price, u wan u get, dun wan suat. dun wan to serve u oso can c. no fake smiles, over-inflated price-tags or effervescent courtesy dat dissipates once u put ur foot down on not buying. haha. disclaimer: i'm chinese. juz a matter of opinion not a matter of fact. n to those who warned me, well, i feel as much at home in little india as i m in chinatown.

tried to work on dat day. felt v stressed out n tired throughout the day. actually took a nap in coffee club where i sat for the whole afternoon n then forced myself to wake up sufficiently to work. didnt work out.

night- had a way big, totally out of proportion blow-out wif sis after celebration with family. due to a long-time build-up of frustration. sigh. tried to continue to work. but took way long to complete a simple task. brain couldnt work properly. heart out of whack too. sigh.

well, the day wasnt a total wash-out. tho it was terrible, i oddly didnt feel upset or anything juz cos "it was supposed to be my day n it was terrible". maybe cos i'm way too old. this birthday didnt feel all that special to begin with. like all the magic that birthdays used to hold for me juz faded away. i wouldnt have noticed it if not for the relentless smses n calls n pp saying "hapy birthday!" maybe cos i ve been feeling so bogged down with work n min n so terribly tired dat all i looked forward to was to rest. n i didnt get much of it the day before my birthday, or even the day or night of my birthday either. maybe i had a "hard heart" n didnt feel the proper emotions as i should be it joy or disappointment or remorse. juz felt a huge failure n sinner in many ways.

well the one salvaging part of the "terrible" day was dinner. managed to settle some emotionally draining dispute b4 going for dinner. i desperately needed to cos i was on the verge of cancelling dinner too. well, dinner was terrific. v aesthetic. gastronomically fantastic. service was the best ever. and of course the bill was a big fat one! thanks for the treat darling! shall upload pics next time... feeling lazy now.

thanks for the many well wishes n presents. juz you remembering means alot to me. some of the verses you guys quoted made me think.eg. on the desires of my heart. got me thinking what the desires of my heart are. a huge amen to the blessings said, prayers uttered. thank you!

i've got lots to tell ya...but hor... feel like some kid with bad comp skills... so here... hee hee:

celebrated mum's birthday last sat at Esmirada. had a gr8 time there. ate ratatouille. tot it so delicious that we ordered a 2nd! had spanish cremata - flaming, man! then a wonderful treat of plates breaking.
then went to sis's workplace. my sis ah... she big shot leh... biggest on the site! her office is the biggest! haha.. but hor walking around the construction site felt like walking in a 3rd world country. boards here, planks there... walk ard so buay zai. really take my hat off her! so ZAI! i marvelled at how she could work and thrive in such a place. so proud of her! n m thankful to God for how he has protected and blessed my sis!
then went to some place c "colourful" stuff, then went to buy earrings for mum.
was a very very fun 'trip' with family. really enjoyed the time togther.
then on sun, had christmas comm meeting. was so impressed with bro! good leadership, good facilitation skills, good delegation, and the best part was when he gave a short devotion after the prayer time. was so moved by his message on Matt 6:33 n Is 40:31!
it was a weekend of being thankful for my family and being so proud of them!
i love my family!