It’s official… it’s here…! Christmas carols played everywhere, decos were long up. Somehow… I feel like the Grinch! Hope I don’t fully morph into one… yep… odds are whatever grinch-like characteristics I have will flake off like irksome dandruff. Hope it’ll b soon… I guess a healthy dose of “All I want for Christmas is you” will do the job…! I feel the corners of my mouth curling into a smile already! =) but no “yay Christmas!” juz yet.

flint

this is wat would have been yesterday's blog. was so tired, went str to bed when i got back at 9pm.

some things juz feel so much like a relationship turned sour... u wanna out... but juz cant juz walk away...! gives you so much heartahe, feels like u r wasting ur life, ur time, ur energy... i would've got out if it is a relationship! sigh... how much more of this can i really take?

from my journal which i scribbled yesterday afternoon: "Unbelievable!!! i must be superglued here... Lord, what is it You want me to learn?" meeting a x staff in e sci canteen juz so totally not help! said it was better after she left... more money, more control over her time... more fruitful ministry... man... really... hearing this after wat happened. haha... i muz b masochistic to actually go meet her.

FLINT. as flint. my spirit is as flint. immovable. resolved. unshakened. i m amazed. unbelievably confounded. not walking away. inexplicably horrified! haha... (sorry... shan't explain).

-----

viv, was gr8 bumping into you... finally... good short catch-up!

lament over my ignorance

refer to my 19 nov entry where i asked wat's anal...

from dictionary.com:
a·nal (nl)adj.
Of, relating to, or near the anus.
Of or relating to the second stage of psychosexual development in psychoanalytic theory from ages 2-3, during which gratification is derived from sensations associated with the anus.
Relating to or being personality traits(as parsimony, meticulousness, and ill humor) that originated during toilet training and are distinguished as anal-expulsive or anal-retentive.

man... this i studied in my very first module in NUS - "1101: human development over the lifespan"... 7 years ago! n i can actually not know how to define "anal"! sigh... makes me reflect and lament over the following:
- given back all my freud, jung, piaget, erikson n alot lot of them back to my profs! (some docs n med students marvel at my ease in conversing with med profs... well, dat's juz b'cos they r not my profs! u should c how i tiptoe or siam my profs!)
- i took vietnamese... lost most of my vocab n sentence structure! recently went to holland V... cant really make out wat "Cho Lon" mean. big place, big market? wat a huge shock!
- cant speak malay any more too! can barely make out conversations in bahasa Malayu let alone Bahasa Indonesia! need to berdoa for good memory!!!
- cant even explain "semiotics"!! sorry Loonie! u were a gr8 teacher... juz cannot remember theatre... i mean really... i cant even throw out any names (like who came up with "de-construction", "environmental", "deadly" theatre, "poor theatre" - some G----ski guy, "no" theatre) aiyah...!
- not really competent in my SW n counselling skills! looking thru e CPE stuff... i headache... there are modules offered to BSWs (Beginning Social workers)... i m less than on par with them...! they have a fresher idea of theories n policies... need to re-read my TBs n notes... forgot alot of my theories and case recording n etc etc...?? recently caught a glimpse of med students' Family Med notes... really cannot draw a genogram liao!! n that's supposed 2 b THE basics of basics! man!
- if i were to write a "paper" on something (which SWers like to do all the time...) i really dunno how to...!!

it's scary how my whole education comes down really to almost nothing... except 2 perfect my smoking skills! sigh...

hence this lament over my ignorance. there's so much i dunno... but i dun even noe the things i should noe?!?! man... makes me really wonder... wat do i really noe? haha...

n yes... another night has gone by without sleep...

Happy Birthday, Da!

especially DEdicatEd 2 my sweet, COOL, Sensible, GODLY, toTally Awesome BROTHER!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to U...!!!

i thank God for a bro like u...! i'm so proud of you! of you juz being you!
I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the days are draped with such thick melancholy...! the overcast sky, the ceaseless drip or the relentless pour, the greyness overhead that makes all else juz as grey...! sigh... everything looks so dreary... everything feels so weary...

Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers [meeting] together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.~ A.W. Tozer ~

foiled by rain

so irritating!! wat i dislike abt dis time of d year is RAIN!!!! argghhh!!! foil my running plans!

let's c... 4 d past 2 weeks... if i come home n d sun's still up (which is gr8 2 do some running rite?)... it has to rain... then i try to run b4 i go work... n i wake 2 run at 7... i see cats n dogs falling outside my window! man! n today???!?!?! put on all the works (sports watch, MP3, pedometer all checked), stretched, got out... to meet droplets of rain...!!!! n.. dat's not all... i had to turn back cos running 1 hour in the rain is not fun... came home... n in 5 mins... the rain stopped... bet i go out it'll pour...!! argghhh!!!!

man...! n so many pp have been asking me... have i been training for stand chart?? well... wat do ya think?!?!? well, race aside... it sucks when it rains...

rain, rain go away
come again another day
little evan wants to play...

4 years ago when i was still in NUS, when i was struggling with coming on full time, my DGL who really didn't know the exact details of my tassle wif God, said, "Evan, God's will is good, pleasing and perfect." i got mad... haha... first time i got mad wif her, dat precious lady!

and really... after coming on staff n all... it really is... finding out n experiencing God's will in my life, i attest dat it is indeed good, pleasing n perfect. God's word - in Romans 12:2 proves true.

not dat it's all smooth sailing... quite the contrary in fact. but there's this queer (haha...!) sense of purpose n peace n sense dat this is where i m meant 2 b.

[i recounted dis like in so many times in so many places b4.. but really need to get it down here now AGAIN!]

now... new input:
it's amazing... staying where God wants me to b... not dat i love every sec n enjoy riding the wave all the time... but looking n questioning why i m still hanging on n doing wat i m doing is amazing enuf...!

u c... i m amazed at how i haf not thrown in the towel, n walked away... i could have, i would've. it's not as if i have gr8 staying power... not dat i die die love the job... n nope, i'm not d kinda dat stays put cos of fear of change or unknown. somehow... there's a force sustaining me... a purpose dat drives me, a glue dat sticks me to it no matter wat. something props me up n keeps me standing even tho i really can swear i would've stumbled, crumbled, crashed n burned. n ya noe... this really isn't fr me. i wake up n m amazed, i stay up at night n wonder... n i c... i c Him working in me... making His likeness in me... n it amazes me.

[i think the best thing about this is i get the front seat... the best seat in the house in this production He is staging in my life. i get firsthand experience of working with God. not so much to change others or grow ministries... or do those gr8 things pp expect or sometimes i even expect me to b doing... nope... i get the firsthand experience of knowing how it feels like and to witness wat happens when one's life is surrendered to Him... ya know like how it is to get the best view watching a concert or a magic show or something really cool? (haha... i sound like a kid!!) yep... ]

n so... re here... my job is not done... i'll go when it is. but since it is not yet done, i stay. no matter if circumstance n pp n logic n bank acc n wat-nots say otherwise. cos really, if God din say "GO", then He will provide the means, the strength... everything i need to do wat He has set for me to do. then alot of stuff is His pa kay not mine... He deals wif the impossible, not me... He specializes in miracles not me... no sir i cant! so i'll leave Him to do His job, n i do mine.

hunger

God, You put in us physical hunger so we know we need to food. put in us a hunger for You... 4 we dunno how to hunger for You. put in us an appetite 4 the Divine, for holiness, for goodness - for You. give us a hunger for You, Lord. give me, med min, give ASE.

fr LOST to LUST to "Am i good enough?"

not even a hint by Joshua Harris is a pretty good n easy read... (check out pic on the sidebar screen under the "now reading" channel)

a little bit from what i have read from"Not even a hint":
Lust: craving sexually what God has forbidden

To lust is to want what you don’t have and weren’t meant to have. Lust goes beyond attraction, an appreciation of beauty, or even a healthy desire for sex – it makes these desires more important than God. Lust wants to go outside God’s guidelines to find satisfaction.

John Piper, Future Grace
Lust is a sexual desire minus honour and holiness...
We must fight fire with fire. The fire of lust’s pleasures must be fought with the fire of God’s pleasures. If we try to fight the fire of lust with prohibitions and threats alone – even the terrible warnings of Jesus – we will fail. We must fight it with the massive promise of superior happiness. We must swallow up the little flicker of lust’s pleasure in the conflagration of holy satisfaction.

y i blog this?? cos reading the book now lor... n of course... saddened by my guys... hiaz... how to disciple them?!

juz finished a good evangelistic book called "am i good enough?" by Andy Stanley (c pic on book in side bar) good short, small handy size book. 4 busy christians who want to get some tips on sharing Christ (good info n line of thot to use) or for ur busy pre-believing frens... juz 2 hours... the author say so himself... u can do it in less. wat caught my attention was not juz the title n contents but dat this book has 2 covers...! one for the younger gen y peeps (cover pic is a cool blue elevator "up" button with tag phrase - 'preparing for life's final exam' n inside cool layout n print n inferences to younger stuff, e.g "The O.C"), the other for the more mature reader (black, cover pic of a stack of poker cards, n title - "since nobody's perfect... How good is good enough?" n inferences to golf, work etc...) cool huh? bought 1 each!! to give away!! can borrow if u want... God, pls help me give it to someone who is asking the same question n really needs 2 noe e right answer...! checked Amazon.. turns out Andy Stanley has written quite a number of books... quite good ones too... hmm... interesting.

stairway to heaven n LOST

ah... finally over! now i get the TV back! finally can watch my CSI again! (this week's was disappointing tho... dun like CSI Miami!)
woe was me when i turned to this show (Stairway to Heaven) when it was advert-time on channel 5 n got my mom hooked. so since 5 weeks back, mon n tues... it's this Korean series... i dun watch but hear it (wat can i do? the TV's on n my table is in the hall!)... n the ending hit me... think the guy was saying something like "with you here is heaven..." (direct translation) reminded me of the ending of a poem...n i must blog it to get it out of my system...!

"Even if it is just for a moment
To me, with you, anywhere is heaven."

---

never really got to watch this.. but wadever snippets i caught... i thot this a good show. every9one has issues, has a past... u get pulled out of your "life" to be haunted by your past, 2 deal wif your ghosts, 2 work things out within your soul n find resolution... kinda cool. we all need that dun we? to get LOST to FIND ourselves.

wat i really cannot stomach is the fact that the actors DUN get any thinner....!!! especially the ones who desperately need to shed some pounds! i like Tom Hanks who really lost weight acting some castaway in dunno wat movie... we all can see a few weeks on Survivor n the contestants become leaner... more desperate... these pp on LOST?? nope...! sigh...

anyway, Y this has found its way onto my blog entry was last week's quib

Kid: why are you folding clothes?
Girl: cos i'm anal?

juz got me laughing...! (i called them kid n girl cos i dunno their reel names!)

how would u define "anal"? thot abt it, asked ard.. dun seem to get a good answer...

Fragile

as i interact with people, i m reminded time n again of how fragile we all are... how easily the ego and esteem crumbles... we carry around a broken image of self; a nagging sense of falling short; a haunting shadow of our past, the still raw n gaping wounds inflicted by 'human friction' (that causes us to still jump in pain at the slightest touch); tons of ammunition and defence tactics to guard ourselves from hurt; a gnawing fear of failure and rejection; a desperate need to be liked, accepted and loved... each to different measure... yet each just as needy.

EVERYONE... as i look into their eyes, listen to them... there's more to the smile n cordiality; the cheerfulness masking insecurity.

FRAGILE! handle each one with love and TLC!
how can we not, if we have the love of Christ shed abroad in our hearts? how can not if we no longer regard any one in the worldly perspective? His love compels me.

26

i tot i'd not like being 26... it's kinda like slightly over the hill?? yah... like 25 is it... n 26.. over....
but really...actually hiting 26, i kinda like being 26! i surprised myself abt dat too! i feel good being 26!! in fact, i feel so good about life and being alive! there's so much to be thankful for!

n... being 26 means i've walked and lived n learnt this much n this long... (long enuf dat being called "jie Jie" is a stretch n being called "aunty" seems right!) ...know quite a bit, experienced quite a bit, got jaded, burnt, understood life better, dropped my childish dreams to exchange for adult ones yet renewed my vision n 're-believed' in miracles n fairy tales, hurt n got healed, hated n learnt forgiveness n love, gave up being 'tiao er lang dang' n learnt discipline...

yet, 26 is still young! there's so much more to look forward to, to grow, to love, to enjoy!

it's juz so cool to haf God in my life, to haf such purpose n hope n love n joy! i mean really.. without Him, i would have killed myself years ago... n even if i havent, would have ended up in so much of a mess i'd b a ghost of a human. no kidding.

at this point, standing on this "road of life" n looking down d road and looking back up, i can say... it's all good! thank You Jesus!


from my QT today:
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely i have a delightful inheritance.
i will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me.
because he is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your HOly One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
-PSALM 16:5-11

blanche's sms

A really cool sms prayer from Blanche at 1154pm… have to perserve it 4 blog posterity.

Father Lord, thank You for blessing me with such a great fren and dgl in evan. Father I pray on this special day that You bless her and her family throughout her days. Father, continuing to be faithful… Draw her close to You, and may Your grace and mercy flow through her like living waters. Father I pray tt You never cease to reveal Yourself to her - tt Your love is deeper than any ocean, wider than any sky, brighter than the sunshine and yet softer than a sigh…
Father may You fill her cup as You renew her every second and as she runs by faith, to be a child after Your heart so that all who see may know and hear Your Name… Watch over her, so that Your ministry may bear fruit, Father. In Jesus’ Name I pray, Amen.
Happy birthday midarling! (: may His presence continually dwell in your life, always! *hugs*

I called her while she was sms-ing me and she rejected my call… her response? nature’s call n she needed to send this b4 it is over…! Haha… dat’s Blanche 4 u!

Darling, u r such a delight; a wonderful encouragement to me! u never fail to cheer me up!

more celebration~

i m temporarily deaf...! haha... after the Ou De Yang's concert, i turned on my MP3... and was wondering how come it wasn't playing despite the green light s on... turned out that it was! i had to turn up the volume like 5 notches higher to even hear something!!! man..! here's 4 standing so near the stage n the speakers lor... now ears spolit!

Ocean was good... oso got to see n hear Joi (Cai Chunjia), superstar Weilian, other finalists: derek(weijian), xinhui. all under same label - Music Street, Play Music. was good!!! man... thot i can put Ocean away after the concert... but i guess i like him more now. He was a bit too nervous, had limited vocab (poor skills in answering questions)but he was real n vulnerable.

(look at the crowd! 8000 pp)
had a gr8 time today... was like a kid, grinning ear to ear...! i enjoyed myself doing all these silly and juvenile things- queuing like real "fen si"(fans!), lying on the poncho reading the book under the umbrella, standing right in front at the railings and trying to dodge photographers n the news cameras... (the primary sch kids i let stand in front of me were useless as body shields!) was so so fun!!! haha...

Thanks, Shirley 4 ur company n the heart-shaped necklace! thanks for coming wif me early to queue(thank goodness we came at 3 plus instead of my intended 130!!! i dunno wat i was thinking!!!) noe it was hot and tiring... sit in hot sun, then stand so long... n my screams! haha... n being pushed by pp... i'm sure u had regretted at some point in time... but thanks 4 going thru all this wif me!

my cake... n tea - a special concoction 4 me (in the background. think my aunty made it. i think.).

simple celebration at home... mom's cooking...!

yes yes... go ahead n count the candles...! 26! yeah!

Happy Birthday to me!

Selamat Hari Lahir (fr dad)
Maligayang Kaarawan (dun ask me wat language/dialect this is... LJ fr Philippines sms-ed me this!)
Chuc Mung Sinh Nhat Vui Ve

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Psalm 90
Lord, You have been our dwelling place for generations...
from everlasting to everlasting You are God.
You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your presence.
The length of our days is seventy years -
or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of widsom.
Satisfy us in the morning with YOur unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
May Your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendour to their children.
may the favour of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us -
yes, establish the work of our hands.

....
Prayer

Lord, i need You more than i know... show me
i love You less than i should... draw me
i revere You less than You deserve... bend me

party week: since monday...

thanks, Lily, despite me saying "dun tell them, dun do anything ah...!!!"
Mumei, was touched u remembered wat my fav cake was!


man... i had gone down 3 kgs for the past 3 months... now i m getting it all back in juz 3 days!!

Eileen, u were really sweet. enjoyed d time wif u! rem ur promise...

it's calories galore! n i'm not even uploading the food pics!

yeah... all d food! chicken n lots of chicken, seafood, tom yam, pasta, cheese, mee sua...

wat i realised: i got really buay pai seh frens who can really sing!!! thanks 4 singing "Happy Birthday" loudly n clapping in public hence subjecting me to embarrassment! it's sadistic to enjoy seeing me squirm n blush, ya noe! i applaud ur courage, be it singing tog in a group or alone... thanks 4 making this so special 4 me n showering me wif ur love!

Plum blossoms sweetie, ur act topped the embarrass-factor charts! man...! the lead singer juz totally put me in the spot lor... got me on stage! i would've died if he made me sing! haha... but thanks 4 being wif me. u noe i love u n dis is v v impt 2 me - i'll leave u to settle wif HIM... but pls... do talk ok?

YT n the "yap" sensitive gal... thank you for loving me...! yap! i had wanted more time... din manage to tell u some stuff...!! like abt u gals... haha...! shudder..! yap, next time dun give me so many lists of 3 things 2 share...! next time let's take more pics!! u gals bring out the poser in me! haha...! in months' time... yap! onz! (we need 2 put u thru systematic desensitization!)

sorry xueli, 4 d whole load of miscomms n "mis-guesses"... u haf been nothing but sweet. thanks! shd ve met u gals 4 lunch today... next time let's not depend on sms-es huh...

now some of d presents:

thanks hui! dat's realli sweet... u effectively made me look so juvenile... which... i m but have been trying my utmost best 2 hide!!!

shirong n ah li, i used ur prez liao... ran yesterday... timed my pick-ups and splits... good watch! thanks for meeting up... n hearing wat i haf to say! hope we'll commit 2 our growth...

yeah yeah...! got my easel!!! Cyn want ed 2 gif me last year... said 2 wait n c if this 'fad' lasts till next b'day... we both were shocked it's been a year! wow! time flies! thanks Cyn...!! next monday night ah...round 2!! ur turn, gal!

thanks Blanche, Charlene, Christelle, Jietong, Ivy, Joanne, Weizhen...! u r so precious...! love the moments we have had... n this is (using the same words i said when i opened ur present) so terrible!! haha...! yeah yeah!!! LOVE Y'ALL

everyone, thanks 4 all ur sms wishes... thanks for remembering!!! especially LJ n Glo in Philippines!!! so touched u guys remembered!! thanks!

ah... late!!! got to run! shirley n ocean's waiting...! haha... con't later....

back blogging...

man...! i think i m a blog addict!!! couldn't blog over the weekend n i got the withdrawal syndromes! feel weird, kept thinking abt blogging, fridgety....

so... now i m back blogging at least 3 entries!!! muahaha...

29 oct
despite having a good sleep, i woke up "today" (this is a back blog rem?) feeling i need more sleep...! this is cos
1. of my insomnia for the past month, this 8 hours felt like a drop in the bucket and my body was groaning for more... (i can go for more... my record was straight 18 hrs after i came back fr US!)
2. old liao...! cant do chalet over 2 consecutive weekends...! (man...! i must say despite the 'fun', i really am too old for 'chalet-ing')

this 2 days at sea view chalet... mum's birhday celebration. the SAF chalet is not as clean as the changi aloha one... now got a few pimples to deal wif... (they'd better go b4 e 3rd!)

watched Animae... not really a fan... but cousin was going thru the "Prince of Tennis" series like the umpteenth time, i sat n watch anyway. wat i learnt:

1. it really is a waste of time (sorry to Animae fans!). i can use my time more productively. dat's y i dun really watch TV serials... not willing 2 gif much commitment.(thankfully my cousin hadn't had enuf time to go thru SEED)

2. usually story revolves ard something that the characters are totally passionate about; totally sold out for. and in this case was tennis... . n that's kinda lacking in real life. kinda invigorating 2 c how given the characters r

3. unusually reminded of what mentoring is all about. the captain saw e need 2 train protagonist n he did it at a high cost - aggravating his injury dat might cost him his own career in tennis. when asked why he did dat, he replied "there is no point in following a famous player of the old generation. it is better to shape e player of the new generation." he saw the time ripe to train Ryoma and help shape his playing style. and in grabbing this opportune time, he ignited a passion in Ryoma. what a precious lesson in investing in a life! he knew the cost, he knew what it took and he paid it. Lord, help me to ignite a fire of passion in someone's life so dat he will b ablaze 4 You. Help me know how, when and what it takes to do it and give me the courage to pay the price.

30 oct
... Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training, they do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. therefore i do not run like a man running aimlessly: i do not fight like a man beating the air. No, i beat my body and make it my slave so that after i have preached to others, i myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

31 Oct monday
the view from the chalet is gr8. can c the sea fr the bedroom, from the hall... all day long can see the boats pass by, airplanes landing... so nice to juz sit n look out, with a book in hand. reminds me of 2 years ago when i spent my birthday at penang w Shin doing the same thing ...

man... i thot it was boring to stay over but now i changed my mind... in fact, i would ve loved 2 b able to spend the day like dat... but... need to go down to NUS. somehow someone'll arrange something on your off day...! no complaints. =)

i bemuse myself reading Jennifer Weiner's book, "Little Earthquakes". haha... wat on earth m i doin wif a book on 3 v pregnant women, n their journey into motherhood anyway?! make myself wan 1 all d more? but it's recommended (by Bu) n a good read anyway. oh...!! CONGRATS KIM!!!!! WELCOME to the world, ASHLEY!!! my only complaint is dat u should ve waited 4 more days... then i'll really dote on u 4eva!! i was hoping n hoping u would!

had a wonderful P comm mit! no regrets rushing down by cab juz 4 an hour b4 rushing to a dinner gathering. wonderful comm. fruitful meet. alot of things i wanted 2 c in the first (oct) P mit which didn't happen was suggested for this nov one. man so glad 2 hear dat fr e freshies! this is exciting 2 c pp excited abt prayer, abt taking our land.

lots of regrets 4 e dinner tho... an ungrateful bunch of gals complaining abt me being late. man... after all the (as one of them put it) "sai kang" of arranging a meet-up i almost kicked myself 4 doing it! P comm 515 mit was arranged late sun nite lor... way after i arranged 630 mit at paragon. work wat. i of course go lah. hearing their complaints abt everyone else being late blah blah, an all-so-familiar sense of regret came over me. it's not the first time. y do i keep putting myself thru all this trouble?! then i recalled d purpose. nearly got thrown off my track. yes. keep ur goal in mind, gal.
still wif goal in mind... rather unfruitful. missed the goal.but... will by faith leave it in God's hands. God, pls help.

start my celebrations liao... woo-hoo! man... 2 pub hols! so blessed!

Happy Birthday Mummy!

yeah yeah!!!!

Happy Birthday to you....!!

Her children arise and call her blessed - Prov 31:28

I love you Mummy!

walked from fullerton to bedok interchange in 2 n a half hours. kinda nice. love walking.

was surprised so soon cos it took me 95 min walking from church home!

will u walk wif me?

when you open your heart and welcome someone into your life, somehow, you are changed by that very presence in your life. you give a piece of your heart to those you open your life to and you can hardly stay the same. and somehow you choose to believe you are all the better because of it.


CA, it was bad. i wanted u to leave. but really i do love you and still do. i'm sorry for the lost and sadness i see in your eyes. and i m deeply saddened too. but i believe it is for your growth and betterment that you go. do know dat i m praying for you - dat God'll show you His ways and His answers to your questions; this whole episode'll soon make sense. i wish u well. GOODBYE.




------

flashback.
L: i want us to be status quo.
[in this world, the only constant is change]

rewind. play.
L(tears streaming): how can you be so rational?!
[wat was really said - how can u be so heartless?!]

rewind. play.
L(teary): hot. must be the chilli.
[it wasn't. it was stupid of me then to believe u.]

flashback:
L: you are ashamed of me!
M: i'm not!
[yes u r]

flashback.
Clarke Quay. Night. clear weather. MAGIC.
i have everything i want in the world.

flashback.
jail cell.
M: can i give you a kiss?

flashback.
walking hand in hand. M eyes closed.
L(singing): close your eyes... gimme ur hand, darling... do you feel my heart beating... do you understand... do you feel the same... am i only dreaming...

flashback.
L(smiling, right hand extended): hi my name is ...

GOODBYE.

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. - Barbara Johnson

poem

I’d rather see a sermon
than hear one any day,
I’d rather one should walk with me
than merely show the way.
The eye’s a better pupil and
more willing than the ear;
Fine counsel is confusing,
but example’s always clear;
And the best of all the preachers are the men
who live their creeds,
For to see the good in action is what
everybody needs.
I can soon learn how to do it
if you’ll let me see it done.
I can watch your hand in action
but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lectures you deliver
may be very wise and true;
But I’d rather get my lesson
by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you
and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding
how you act and how you live.

- Edgar A. Guest

sleepless in singapore

i have retaken the title yet again!!! yes i win hands down! i blogged juz now saying 3 weeks... went home n checked my calendar... nope... it's been slightly more than a month!!!!

man... i can go on n on... how long more b4 i drop?

sigh... sleep has been avoiding me... wat did i do to chase it away? Zhou Gong... come back! i wanna play chess with you! (those not acquainted with Chinese folk lore... check the net... too tired to explain)

stress stress!

my colleagues scared me today by saying that i look ghastly (pale, blood shot eyes etc...) n sick n should go home n sleep. in fact i was seeing stars after lunch. really blurred kaleidoscopic stuff...! n it was prolonged. kinda freaky...

anyway, have been to busy n stressed out. wanted to blog but really couldn't get round to doing it. sleep is a rarity now tho i m dead tired. 3 weeks of not meeting Zhou Gong!

stress lah... this is the longest ever i skipped blogging... shan't do it again. sorry 4 e blog neglect.

man... this is supposed to b the best 2 weeks of d year for me... SUPPOSED
mom's birthday coming... wat shall i gif her?? broke as broke can b!
after this month's mad rush, it's the traditional play time early nov... but i guess i may be so tired i might juz sleep thru the precious week (n the rare 2 pub hols of the week!!!!!) SHUDDER!!!!

i love my gals!

reading my gals' blogs is an uplifting experience! i'm so thankful to God for the privilege of having DG wif them. this is an honour and job i dun take lightly.

gals, thanks for opening ur hearts and sharing your life wif me. I'm so thankful to God for you. Your faith and love for Him encourages me so much!

Love y'all!


oops! time to go home!

I.N.A.H

it's one of those terrible days....!!!! arrrrgggghhh!!!!

I Need A Hug

my verse of the week

my prayer fr Prov 4:11, 12

Lord, guide me in the way of wisdom and lead me along straight paths. when i walk, let not my steps be hampered, when i run, let me not stumble. amen

i miss running

I have been put ‘out of action’ (still lots of phlegm still. Everything’s clogged. Somebody call the plumber!) i'm not fanatic enuf 2 run when i'm sick but 10 days later, I wanna run. frens cautioned me against running when i'm not fully recovered.

i miss running! frankly, I never thought I would..! I never thought I like running enough to miss not running. In fact, I never thought I would even like running EVER…!

it’s not about competing with others in a race. It’s about you. Not others, not time, not anything but you -

it’s about facing your weakness, and saying “no” to your own excuses… It’s about pushing your limits and seeing how far you can go… it’s about breaking barriers be it psychological or physical. it’s about facing your own demons. it’s about discipline. it's about overcoming you. It’s about knowing when to push and when to stop. It’s about setting your course and finding your pace. It’s about the journey, the sweat, the movement…

I wanna run.

I like the ad which carries the tagline – You are faster than you think. Now… which Label’s ad is dat?

I like the ad concept in “What Women Want” on women running - it’s just you and the road.

Well, I do enjoy other sports – cycling, blading, swimming, kayaking, team sports, blah blah… but when it comes to running, it’s just me and the road… no frills, no fuss…

i will run

wat i have learnt

yesterday finally succumbed to a trip to the Doc... i was kinda frustrated that it was taking this long for me to recover. besides not being able to get down to work, what i was frustrated at was not being able to think clearly n learn.

on my way back home from the clinic, i was mulling over my futile attempts to understand Soren Kierkegaard's Fear & Trembling. that philosopher's writings require my presence of mind to grasp his extensive and 'imaginative' arguments.

that's when i realised! i was more keen about learning about God and enmassing more knowledge about Him, the Bible, n Christian stuff than i am about knowing God. and this time of illness hampered my 'pursuit of knowledge of God', making me frustrated n feeling unproductive. i realised then the drastic difference n need for a pursuit of God, not the knowledge of Him...

this time of illness, was a time for me to have my 'perfect day'... n it's such a gr8 time to juz hang with God. it was kinda difficult for me cos i realised that in my work and all, i became very 'transactional' with Him. i go to Him with an agenda (nothing against agendas!)... in prayer for this this this... (ploughing thru my long list of requests n petitions). when reading the word is for getting sharing pointers to use in my teaching or sharing somewhere etc... BAD!!!!

well, it's not that i no longer wait to listen from Him... juz that i REALLY forgot the simple joy of "doing nothing with God" and enjoy His presence. (usually i m busy working)

so ironically... the perfect day was really kinda perfect! inbetween me gettting K.O by the meds, i eat(yah...), juz talk n think abt.. not getting things from Him, but Him... not about finding direction and guidance for this issue or that problem... but HIM

wat a reminder to seek His face n not seek from His hand (blessings, guidance etc)...wat a call to back "being" instead of "doing"...

don't wait till u r sick 2 do dat w God k?

yesterday's QUESTION OF THE DAY

yesterday i had aburning question... here's it n the answer...

how do you differentiate btw a viral and a bacterial infection?

virual infection is self-limiting...
time is e factor... if it is prolonged, not responding to symptomatic treatment... need anti-biotics.
antibiotics does not work for virual infection...

there's more... cant rem now... will add later...
hey docs... pls add....

haha!! i learnt this over n over again! i realised i asked this qn last year n the year b4... man...! no wonder i'm still stuck in Med fac!!

how do crows mourn?

right now outside my window the crows r going berserk crowing their lungs out. i was irritated and wanted somehow to stop them from continuing their racket. it s giving me such a bad headache. when i looked out, i saw a cat mauling a crow on the ground. man! if they were previously trying to warn their 'friend', they were 'screaming' at that tom cat now...

my irritation turned into sympathy. the cat's gone now... the crow's remains r on the grass below... the crows continue their din... i covered the window without shoo-ing at the crows perched just a few meters away. got no heart to ask them to shut up.

perfect day....?!

it came to mind that some time back, i was telling God how i wish i could spend one whole day at home. i had been busy that my off day for the past weeks were spent in NUS! no, i dun really mind or blame any1... juz dat i was really looking forward 2 a day juz being at home...

somehow somewhere along the past 4 weeks, my idea of "what a perfect day to me is" has become "a day at home doing what i need n like to do at home" (which does not include sleeping tho - i dun really like to sleep!)

well GOT IT... yesterday... skipped church, stayed home but cant do much... cos fever n all... tot it not nice to share my bug w sunday sch kids who r celebrating children's day. wat a pressent dat would b huh? sigh... missed children's day!!!! sigh...

today...?? sama sama.. planned to go into my office today but i d better not... diana told me last night a patient is called a patient cos she needs 2 b patient... er duh... shan't argue w u... my brain's concussed anyway... remember my bamboo-stick-hit-on-the-head? yah.. i'm going w dat excuse 4 now... btw, woo-hoo way-to-go 4 Yappie!! he scored big time last night! n i helped him on his second goal!!!! haha... diana, u gotta gif me credit 4 my perfect timing...! (btw, u din gif him my blog add did u? if u did... i bet u r regretting dis very minute!!! haha!)

n YT, keep up dat indian accent! gal u r hilarious! too bad i really wasnt up to sparring w u last night... 10x 4 downloading ur crap. really. i really sounded bad huh? should hear me today...

anyway, today promises 2 b yet another perfect day... a day to spend it all at home... i shall try my best to enjoy it in the Lord. should be gr8 once i get used to the continual nose blowing, hard sneezing, n grogginess. reminds me of the movie "one perfect day"... the terribly-not-perfect-day can turn out to b a really perfect one. hmmm... my fever better stay down!

weekend weekend!

enjoyed myself w my GLs today... i love medical students....! (n Dental!!!!) haha... rather high today... manic....!>>>>>

was trying to eat my breakfast today n in the middle of it... kena hit by bamboo stick!! hahaha! right smack on my head! there was a second of silence (or two) and i broke out laughing... i thot it was kinda hilarious wat... like some coconut drop on head feeling. my poor mom thot i cried. she was so sim tia (heart pain)...!

m sick sick sick... or going to.... my throat hurts, nose runs... feverish.... sigh... ah Li... u spread ur germs to me!!! nvm... will rest.... was actually looking forward to a long run this weekend... now probably will go to bed after church tmr. VIT C... i'm counting on u! pls save me...

complimentary tics to the museum for the Vatican Collection... went there already 4 the curator's talk... they compensate me cos it was too crowded... now go again lor... going later... yeah yeah.
----
2 hours later... (5pm)
CMI CMI (cannot make it)!!!!!! sigh... classic case of too little too late (of vit c)... i...feel....terrible.... nid 2 go home rest... ran outta tissue liao... finished 2 pkts... cant go museum. i insist no panadol... tho... "i got a fever i'm hot i cant b stopped.... i got a......fever!" (Arts fac cheer) c... shao huai brain liao

ask, seek, knock

"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matt 7:7

we are to ask with a begger's humility, to seek with a servant's carefulness, and to knock with the confidence of a friend. - unknown

let me show u

I can’t pretend I know what you are going through
And it would be so easy to be glib,
But I am sure you know I mean it
When I say I’m always thinking of you
I am here any time you need me
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Or someone to hug or to hold you close
Maybe just to run an errand or help in any other way
Whatever it may be, please don’t think no one cares –
Let me show you how much you mean to me .

fairy tale

Once upon a time, there was a princess who didn’t know or think or even want to be a princess. She thought dreaming of being a princess are for naïve little girls! She didn’t believe in fairy tales and “happily ever after” endings. She didn’t like looking into the mirror, definitely wasn’t the fairest of them all, didn’t have the smallest feet in the land, she didn’t like putting on skin whiting products like snow white, nor keep long hair n sing at her window like Rapunzel. She did like dancing like Cinderella though. But all in all, she’s more like Fiona in “Shrek” – independent, kick-ass gal minus the sleeping in the castle waiting for her prince charming part.

I guess she identifies with Fiona as she feels and sees more the ogre of herself and despises the helpless damsel in distress stereotype. What she didn’t realize is that she unwittingly rejected the feminine, demure, gentle, beautiful (perhaps vain?!) side of her.

Well, to cut the long story short, this princess found out she IS really a princess. She found out that princes and princesses, kingdoms and magic do exist. Oh, and witches, and dragons and dragon slaying for that matter. She knows cos she has had a few dragon slaying episodes and not a few brushes with magic!

She began to take on her new found identity as a princess and allow that title to change her (in a good way, not the spoilt brat persona!) The ogre in her seemed to appear less and less, become less and less dominant. And the girly, princessy side, which she never thought was in her, began to show. These took time, as there was no fairy godmother to wave her wand in this story (which is really fine cos the process of change, is magical in itself). Though when the metamorphosis is a struggle and it hurts, and it seemed better to get it over and done with at the snapping of fingers, the princess realized the value of the slow, arduous transformation; the value of the process. This, my friend, will last beyond the setting of the sun, the strike of 12 at midnight, and will remain untouched by every witch’s curse.

Anyway, the best part is that she now believes in her prince coming for her, not so much to rescue her because her Father, the King, has already done so and freed her ( unlike the rich old incompetent, cowardly kings who send knights off and stay safe in their own castle!) She awaits her prince and the ride into the sunset together on an adventure of their own. She now believes in “happily ever after”. Or more accurately put, “rejoicing ever after.”

The End

Pseudo-community

Pseudo-community
Its hallmark is the avoidance of conflict. In pseudo-community, we keep things safe; we speak in generalities, we say things that those around us will agree with. We tell little white lies to make sure no one’s feelings get hurt, no one gets tense. We keep relationships pleasant and well-oiled. Conversations are carefully filtered to make sure no one gets offended; if we feel hurt or irritated, we are careful to hide it. Pseudo-community is agreeable and polite and gentle and stagnant – and ultimately fatal. – Scott Peck, The Different Drum

Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one’s community back from the path of sin. – Dietrich Bonhoeffer in “Life Together” p105

real community

We all need to make decisions about what values we want to honour, what spiritual practices we need to engage in, what kind of friends and neighbours and sons and daughters and husbands and wives we will be. But decisions alone are not enough.

We need accountability. We also need someone who will ask us, “how it going?” is your way of life working? Do some things need to change? What are you struggling with in regard to sin or temptation?

Anything that is subject to human limitation or error requires the collegial presence of another person to ensure responsibility. It is a fact of life. - David Watson (Covenant Discipleship p17)

In the movement associated with John Wesley, people met together in little communities to help hold each other accountable for their deepest values and most important decisions. Wesley had a beautiful phrase - “watching over one another in love”.

Before someone entered into this community, they would be asked a series of questions to see if they were serious about living in mutual accountability:
Does any sin, inward or outward, have dominion over you?
Do you desire to be told of your faults?
DO you desire to be told of all your faults – and that plain and clear?
Consider! Do you desire that we should tell you whatsoever we think, whatsoever we fear, whatsoever we hear concerning you?
Do you desire that in doing this we should come as close as possible, that we should cut to the quick, and search your heart to the bottom?
Is it your desire and design to be on this and all other occasions entirely open, so as to speak everything that is in your heart, without exception, without disguise, and without reserve?

Can u imagine people in your family or your circle of friends answering yes to such questions? In Wesley’s day they did – by the thousands. They did so simply because they knew they could never grow into the people they wanted to be without help.

Over time, however, the commitment to truth-telling got lost. When these small groups shifted their focus from mutual accountability to vague sharing, most of the power of these little communities was lost. Eventually they die out. People tend to drift away from truth-telling.

p173, 174 Everybody's Normal till You Get to Know Them John Ortberg

A life of total dedication to truth also means a life of willingness to be personally challenged… but the tendency to avoid challenge is so omnipresent in human beings that it can properly be considered a characteristic of human nature – Scott Peck (The Road Less Travelled p52,53)

real power

Moravian Prayer Movement
100 year prayer meeting established by Moravian believers in 1727. Prosecuted Christians from Bohemia and Moravia sought Zinzendorf, a devout nobleman living in Saxony (modern Germany). Zinzendorf had named the community Herrnhut, meaning “the watch of the Lord.”

Sadly during the first five years of Herrnhut’s existence the community scarcely resembled its name. By the beginning of 1727, Herrnhut, now numbering about three hundred, was racked with dissension. Any hope of revival was out of the question. In desperation, Count Zinzendorf and others convenanted to seek God for one of the most basic focuses of all intercessory prayers, spiritual awakening.

And then on May 12 it happened. An unusual visitation of God swept through Herrnhut. In days, all dissension disappeared, every unbeliever was converted. Of those days, Count would later say, “The whole place represented a truly visible habitation of God among men.”

The entire community was seized by a spirit of intercession. By August 27, 24 men and 24 women had covenanted to spend one hour each day in intercessory prayer, thus sustaining continuous prayer. Before long, many others made similar commitments. On and on the intercessions went, month after month, year after year, decade after decade. Quoted in Decision magazine, historian A.J. Lewis relates: “For over one hundred years, the members of the Moravian church all shared in the ‘hourly intercession’. At home and abroad, on and and sea, this prayer watch ascended to the Lord.”

The Moravians’ spirit of intercession took on tangible form as they started sending missionaries abroad. Within the first 2 years of beginning their intercession for the nations, 22 Moravian workers had died. Future Moravian missionaries would refer to that season as “the Great Dying”.

But still they persisted, and still they prayed. Within 65 years the Moravians dispatched 300 missionaries throughout the world. Some of their victories, indeed, altered history. Just eleven years after the beginning of the continuing prayer watch, for instance, a young man troubled by deep spiritual doubts and apprehensions wandered into a Moravian prayer meeting in London. Years later he would say of that night that his heart was “strangely warmed” as he came to a personal knowledge of Jesus Christ. The man’s name was John Wesley.

from Love on its Knees by Dick Eastman

more on the Moravian Movement:

童话

http://www.lcbtv.com/flash/movie/tonghua.swf
光良 童话

忘了有多久 再没听到你
对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了
是不是我又做错了什么
你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手 变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局 我要变成童话里
你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你 你要相信
相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

23

i woke up on mon feeling EXTREMELY tired. my insides juz feel all wrong. i dunno if u know what i mean... getting old!!!! tired!! haha

anyway, tues night i was praying rather desperately re some stuff... n then i went to bed. the very first sms i read on wed morn was:

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart
all His commands are user-friendly
his directory guides me to the right choices for His name sake
Even tho i scroll through the problems of life
i will fear no bugs for
His anti-virus n firewall, they comfort me!

what a cool way to start a day with! wonderful medicine this Psalm 23 is to the burdened soul!

here's the real version:

The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever

problems problems

everywhere u turn they r everywhere. trying to overwhelm u, attempting to tempt u to worry n lose ur sanity if not ur patience.

seems like an uphill task? mission impossible? a mountain of immovable problemoS? fires that dun seem to be "put-out- able"? feel on the losing side?

it's almost too easy to forget that God is still in control; almost too easy to think that all's lost since WE lose control.

i dunno abt u... i never seem 2 b in control. this might come as a surprise to some... but not to those who know me better. i really m NOT in control. but i do have the tendency to wrestle 4 some control.

sometimes, wat's worse is that we r holding unto the reins yet deludedly thinking we have put God in control.

then it's time to go back to God and return to Him what's His. we have to admit He is better at the wheel than us.

i mean... come on... even the winds and waves obey Him and become silent. How more in control do u wanna get? it's better to be in His boat! (mark 4:35-41 *this is NOT an exposition of the passage...! but to give a context since i write abt winds n waves obeying Jesus*)

this world has no friends, juz strangers u never met?!?!?!?!?!

that was wat my fren said while we stood at the junction waiting to cross. i seriously pondered over the profundity of her statement. "so... we are strangers who have met?" i asked.

turned out what she actually meant 2 say was the cliche: this world has no strangers, juz frens u havent met.

well, come to think of it... she may be kinda right... if u see the harshness of this dog-eat-dog world where u gotta watch ur back n mind ur words. n even if u have met some pp n probably meet them a number of times... they might jolly well STILL b strangers... the bottom line: how well do u noe who u noe? r they actually strangers?

ok... weird, sombre thots aside, today has really been such gr8 fun! hadn't had so much fun in s'pore in a long while! (had a gr8 time in US juz last month!)

felt like a kid all over again exploring the National Library n playing on the escalators n lifts, squeezing all our bags in the little locker, sitting on the couches... that simple joy in being with frens n acting silly! hahaha!

n the va va voom cafe! haha! nice vietnamese food... gr8 conversation...! hearty laughs! HO HO HO! can u believe a seminar for teachers on how to instill humour in their lessons?!

man... to my frens who refuse to b identified other than by the pseudonym "HO-LY"... thank u 4 such a wonderful time! tis a pity we didn't have camera. but i ve got it down in my memory... well, LOW, hope u dun turn up in my dreams tonight! =) haha... love u gals! so... we gonna partner in setting up the LAO NUA Vietnamese restaurant? n... yep... next month come celebrate at my house by popping corn k?

this world has no strangers, juz friends u havent met

i really only love God as much as i love the person i love the least. - Dorothy Day

without friends no one would choose to live, even if they had all other good things in life. - Aristotle

there is a little volume called "The All the Better Book" in which elementary school children try to solve some of the world's knottiest problems. here's the toughest:
"With billions of people in the world, someone should be able to figure out a system where no one is lonely. what do you suggest?"

"People should find lonely people and ask their name and address. then ask people who weren't lonely their name and address. When you have an even amount of each, assign lonely and not lonely poeple together in the newspaper."-Kalani, 8 (obviously this is a girl with the gift of administration.)

"Make food that talks to you when you eat. For instance, it would say, "How are you doing?" and "What happened to you today?" - Max, 9

"We could get people a pet or a husband or a wife and take them places." - Matt, 8 (this makes you wonder about his understanding of marriage.)

"Sing a song. Stomp your feet. read a book. (Sometimes i tihnk no ones loves me, so i do one of these.) - Brian, 8

from John Ortberg's Everybody's Normal till You Get to Know Them p28

got someone u gotta meet!
Greater love has no one than thus, that he (Jesus) lay down his life for his friends. - Jn 15:13
"Never will i leave you, never will i forsake you" - Jesus

NO TAME FEAT

If we could but show the world that being a follower of Christ is no tame, humdrum, sheltered monotony but the most exciting experience the human spirit can know, then those who are standing outside the church looking askance at Christ would come crowding into our churches to pay Him allegiance and we might well see the greatest revival since Pentecost.
~Dr James Stewart

kids sharing Christ

yesterday was the beginning of my church's missions conference. the focus was on reaching our "Jerusalem". we demonstrated the sharing of the gospel using the wordless book. nearing the end of the service, i passed a wordless book to one of the kids who was at the back of the hall and i went thru the book with him (Caleb). He immediately turned to share with the boy (Ian) who was by this time drwan towards us. i was standing there listening to Caleb share and he really got it. i was so surprised. Caleb is 3 years old. n before long a group of pre schoolers gathered around and Ian was sharing with them what the wordless book was about!

man! talking about spiritual multiplers!

this is Jolyn's story. uneditted.
A few weeks ago, Evan gave me a booklet to share with my friend. It was about telling other people about Jesus.

She taught me how to share it and a few days later, during recess, I satdown with one of my best friend and read the booklet to her. When I asked her if she wanted to be a child of God, she agreed! After that, I prayed with her. That was when I knew that sharing the gospel with someone else was such an easy task. When I went home, I called Evan and told her the good news. She was elated and told me I had to invite her to church. Unfortunately, when I asked my friend if she had told her parents about it, she was afraid. I prayed with her again and told her to tell her parents. The following Sunday, I asked Evan for another booklet. The next day, I excitedly shared it with another friend. She too, agreed! I prayed with her the same prayer and after that I gave the booklet to her.

My next wish is that both of my friends would be able to come to church after our PSLE examinations.
- Jolyn, 12

in conversation with Hudson Taylor on...

bringing the gospel to others:
“How long have you had the Glad Tidings in your country?”
Some hundreds of years,” was the reluctant reply.
“What! Hundreds of years?”
“My father sought the Truth,” he continued sadly, “and died without finding it. Oh why did you not come sooner?”
---

And we do well to remember that this gracious God, who has condescended to place His almighty power at the command of believing prayer looks not lightly on the blood guiltiness of those who neglect to avail themselves of it for the benefit of the perishing…

relying on God's provision:

“a foolhardy business,” said those who saw only the difficulties.
“a superhuman task,” sighed others who wished them well. And many even of their friends could not but be anxious.

“You will be forgotten,” was the concern of some. “With no committee or organization before the public, you will be lost sight of in that distant land. Claims are many nowadays. Before long you may find yourselves without even the necessaries of life!”

“I am taking my children with me,” was the quiet answer, “and I notice it is not difficult to remember that they need breakfast in the morning, dinner at midday and super at night. Indeed, I could not forget them if I tried. And I find it impossible to think that our heavenly Father is less tender and mindful of His children than I, a poor earthly father am of mine. No, He will not forget us!”

---

.. it is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Saviour, to be a member of Christ! Think what it involves. Can Christ be rich and I poor? Can your right hand be rich and your left poor? Again, think of its bearing on prayer. Could a bank clerk say to a customer, “it was only your hand, not you that wrote that check”; or “I cannot pay this sum to your hand, but only to yourself”? no more can your prayers or mine be discredited if offered in the name of Jesus (i.e., not for the sake of Jesus merely, but on the ground that we are His, His members) so long as we keep within the limits of Christ’s credit – a tolerably wide limit! If we ask for anything unscriptural, or not in accordance with the will of God, Christ Himself could not do that. But “if we ask anything according to his will… we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.”

The sweetest part, if one may speak of one part being sweeter than another, is the rest which full identification with Christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient. It little matters to my servant whether I send him to buy a few cash worth or things, or the most expensive articles. In either case he looks to me for the money and brings me his purchases. So, if God should place me in serious perplexity. Of great difficulty, much grace; in circumstances of great pressure and trial, much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me.

what a gr8 encouragement to those who are support raising! take heart! God will provide our daily bread.

Let us see that we keep God before our eyes; that we walk in His ways and seek to please and glorify Him in everything, great and small. Depend upon it, God’s work, done in God’s way will never lack God’s supplies.

my Heavenly Father spoke to me through my earthly father

22 Aug:
we had our Survivor Talk (How to survive year one) for the M1s. we got seniors who did very well to share tips on the year one subjects like anat, physio, and biochem. I prayed hard that God will use this to establish a bridge between us and the year ones so that we could have more targeted evangelistic programmes in time to come. My dad’s sms on 11.54am that day read: Isaiah 45:22 Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth: for I am God & there is no one else.
I felt it was God’s reassurance of His presence and His unction on this events and also on the outreach work we will be doing in this year.

26 Aug:
I was very tired. Have 2 back to back Discipleship groups and speaking at LM. Slept 2 hours due to various fire fighting situations. Was very unsettled, fretful and even angry that morning. Was trying to calm myself and get ready for the day and praying so terribly hard and desperately from 730-930. was telling God He had to show up in the ministry. at 949am, dad sms-ed me: “Ps 12v5/6 But now I will come.’ Says the Lord. Because the needy are oppressed and the persecuted groan in pain. I will give them the security they long for.
I checked my Bible which was the NIV. It didn’t read like this. In fact, if the verse was given in NIV, it wouldn’t have spoken to me in my situation. The funny thing was that this version (whichever it is from) starts with “but now I will come” and when I read it, it almost seemed audible to me as if God was speaking as He arose. I was in awe and at rest. Indeed He came and supernaturally sustained me. I know I couldn’t have survived the day on my own strength. He held me throughout the day. It was really amazing.

30 Aug:
the storm has blown in.
I had not been so anxious in a long while. I was so edgy and my hands were cold (usu I m more on the warm side. Pp use my hands to ‘warm them’.) and the whole afternoon was a “wash-down the drain”. I just don’t seem to be able to find the peace and assurance that I so needed from God. Dad sms at 4.42pm when I was on my way to NUH for DG: Ps 91v14 God says, “I will save those who love me and will protect those who acknowledge me as Lord.” This is not a word just for me but also for the others involved in this situation.
I really dunno how to pick up the pieces. Nevermind I was misrepresented at certain points, nevermind that my actions probably are misconstrued, nevermind that perhaps I have lost the friendship that I have been putting so much effort building up. I have to trust that God who has led me, and even the min to this point knows what He is doing and is bringing about a good for all that we now cannot see.
The tension and strain will be there. But I will trust the Lord of reconciliation to work things out. I desire to see growth and that the persons to succeed. How I wish this “cup” can pass from me. but this is my lot for the moment. Not an enviable position but a faith stretching one. And somehow I m led to give thanks nevertheless. I will trust. What an interesting blend of fear and faith, of love and anger, of anxiety and rest.

It’s surprising that God chose to speak through my most unlikely person. My dad is someone who has chosen to repeatedly turn his back to God. And he is Chinese educated. His English is BAD. The verses, I believe have been sms-ed to him by another bro-in-Christ who is trying to reach out to him at the moment. But God chose to use him. Why? Perhaps to remind me that He has not given up on him. But definitely to show that He speaks and is able to use ANY.

Pls pray with me for my dad that those words of life will not just pass through his hands as sms-es received and forwarded. But that the scales in his eyes will drop and he will see the truth and repent. Pray with me that he will see that he is walking towards destruction and will turn back to the God who has been calling out to him. Pray that the prodigal will return. Pray that just as my Heavenly Father is speaking to me through my earthly father, one day my earthly father will speak of my Heavenly Father. I typed this in tears. I claim that we who go out sowing in tears will indeed reap in joy. Thank you for praying with me.

Jesus a great teacher? think again

In his famous book Mere Christianity, Lewis makes this statement, "A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic - on the level with a man who says he is a poached egg - or he would be the devil of hell. You must take your choice. Either this was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us."

heartache hard egg

havent been writing though there's so much to put down onto "paper"... during this week i wanted so much to sit down to blog but juz could afford the time...!


this week has been a real challenging week.... learnt a lot... gone thru alot.... slept v little..ate v little...


hope i'll lose weight...! haha... really m too heavy. (aiyah cant go for the Army Half Marathon on 11 sept. sad.)

i realised i've grown... besides older n more haggard, wiser and more trusting n restful in God. found that He has enlarged my capacity... odd were the ways n means He used tho. =)

was so thankful n joyful to be able to serve God. such a wonderful honour n privilege to do what i m doing!


was praying hard on fri (cos i was so so dead tired n it was a packed day) that God will show up and got an sms fr my dad (haha! of all people!) that reads: (now... where's my hp?!?!) "But now i will come," says the Lord................. "!!!!
and he n HE were right! the Lord showed up! gave me strength n presence of mind so supernaturally! i felt so incredible! thanks to those who prayed...


i c a storm brewing from a distance... coming nearer! sigh... God have mercy!


love being single! such freedom n haha so much more time! more able to serve!
(for those asking abt "somebody"... i think no lah... i HOPE no lah...! so stop lah!)



a friend in NTU said something that i tot was interesting: friendship is one long conversation. (M.A, thanks!)
yah... we juz pick up where we left off
always saw it more like a journey n friend is a so-journer.



Eunice, happy birthday! wanted so much to join u on fri... sorry...!
n louis! happy birthday!

hmmm... how communications have evolved... how even writing journals have changed! i used to have an online diary somewhere in diaryland before the blog thingy caught "fire"... it's kinda secret. no one knows... juz me n whoever stumbles onto my page. now... i have no idea wat my user name was... sad. got some nice poems there... i want to put a poem here... but... the 'mood' isn't right.
"the distance is not of heaven n earth.................."
lost my muse... nothing rhymes now.

heartache hard egg hart etch
miss u mis ewe
crisis cry sis

wanted to change the MTV to daniel beddingfield's song... but they juz took the MTV down.. cant find liao....!


had a number of dreams... of people i have never seen or dreamt off before...
eg. taxi driver who turns out to be my mom's TKGS sch mate, lady in a cafe whose mascara runs... haha...





wonder why some pp can really live for frivolous things... wat do you live for? u might b surprised what some can come up with.



why do we not put God in the first place when we KNOW we should?
why do people like to deceive themselves by saying they are trying to get right with God but are not?
why do we look for God-substitutes?
why m i asking funny stuff when i should be in bed sleeping? hahahaha

really heartache re my frens.... know them for most of my life.... sigh...



by now u should have realised that i m rambling n trying to capture random thoughts n happenings of the week...

should sleep soon.... NOW maybe.
will try to finish the hudson taylor book by today(later today i mean)... wonderful book.. will share with you soon.

now, this is commitment!

excerpt of letter by an American college student explaining to his fiancee why he had to break off their engagement-

We communists have a high casualty rate. We live in virtual poverty, and turn back every penny we make to the Party above what is absolutely necessary to keep us alive. We communists don’t have the time or the money or movies, concerts, or T-bone steaks or decent homes or new cars. I am in dead earnest. Communism is my life, my business, my religion, my sweetheart, my wife, my mistress, my bread and meat. I work at it in the daytime and dream about it at night. Its hold on me grows, not lessens, as time goes by. Therefore, I cannot carry on a friendship, a love affair, or even a conversation without relating to this force which both drives and guides my life. I’ve already been in jail because of my ideas and if necessary I am ready to go before a firing squad.


Man! i look at this communist's great faith and passion and i am ashamed. i have not let the cause of Christ so consume me that all of my life is driven and guided by Him. if only we Christians know but a fraction of what it means to be thss "sold out", if only we allow God's hold on us to grow and make Him our all. to think an aetheist knows better what it means "to live is Christ" (Gal 2:20, Phil 1:21), except that for him to live is communism. it's all or nothing for Christ!

God is the issue - recapturing the cultural initiative

“Welcome to a culture where right and wrong have taken such a beating they’re no longer recognizable. If you think this debasement of our culture can never really affect you, think again. Today’s moral relativism and selfish agendas are moving through the body of society like a cancer, putting all of us at risk.”
~Tammy Bruce, The Death of Right and Wrong, p11

“What we do know is that the choices we make today will have consequences – for better or worse.

Will we rise to the challenge or will we bury our heads in the sands of indifference, prosperity, and busyness until it is too late? If we chose not to make God the issue now, our grandchildren may never even get the opportunity to do so.

God is the issue. God is the watershed. He is the only one who can push back the raging tide of moral relativism and secularism. If we fail to make God the issue, we shall most certainly and inevitably fail at all other tasks.”
~ Brad Bright, God is the Issue p148

prayer

Intercessory prayer is the Christian's most effective weapon. Nothing can withstand it's power. It will do things when all else has failed. And the marvel is that we turn to other agencies in order to accomplish what only prayer can bring to pass. God has placed this mighty weapon in our hands, and He expects us to use it. How disappointed He must be when we lay it a side and substitute natural means for supernatural work.
~The Work God Blesses by Dr Oswald J. Smith



Prayer is not overcoming God’s reluctance, it is laying hold of His highest willingness
-- Archibishop Trench

Charlie n the choco fac

Charlie got the last golden ticket. he told his family he would not be going as he could sell his ticket to help out his family's financial situation - "We need the money!"

one of his grandparents (or is it greatgrandparents?) said this to him, "Don't ever trade it for something as common as money!"

how often do we do that?

you may say, "of course not!"

yet, how often do we neglect that which is invaluable, eternal, irreplaceble in the name of work? what you do trade off? your family? God? your walk with Him? your soul?

the old man wisely advice Charlie, "Don't you ever trade it for something as common as money!"

dunno wat's wrong!!!

man! there's something wrong with my blog! sorry to those who have been accessing n find it the same since 6th August!! i have written some stuff but somehow they juz dun get posted!?!?!?!!

kinda frustrating...! so this is my last attempt before i rewrite my blog AGAIN...!

invitation

the church has many organisers, but few agonizers; many who pay, but few who pray; many resters, but few wrestlers; many who are enterprising, but few who are interceding. People who are not praying are playing.

Two prerequisites of dynamic Christian living are vision and passion. Both of these are generated by prayer. The ministry of praying is open to every child of God…

Tithes may build the church, but tears will give it life. That is the difference between the modern church and the early church. Our emphasis is on paying, theirs was on praying. When we have paid, the place is taken. When they had prayed, the place was shaken (Acts 4:31)

In the matter of effective praying, never have so many left so much to so few. Brethren, let us pray.

~Leonard Ravenhill, “No wonder God wonders,” Great Commission Prayer League

r u listening?

i have a hearing problem.

i don't listen. someone reminded me of that last night. it was not the first time.

listening is my job. i even teach attentive hebaviour, active listening! other than work, i shut my ears. and my mutli-tasking nature aggrevates the situation.

i need treatment for my problem. i need to correct my listening deficiency or it'll corrode the relationships i hold dear...



Wherever you are, be all there.
Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.
~Jim Elliot

wat is your fish?

in John 21, Peter had gone back to fishing. Perhaps out of boredom, perhaps out of a sense of hopelessness. whatever it is, he is going back to what he used to do. why? cos there's a sense of familiarity; it's something he has some sense of control over, rather than the uncertainty at this point of time in John 21.

the story then goes to tell of yet another night of futile labour. having caught no fish and it's daybreak.

Jesus appeared to them, giving them another miraculous catch of fish- 153 to be exact. and John was careful to let the readers know 2 details in that sentence:
1. not 153 of any fish but LARGE fish,
2. that despite such a large catch the net did not break.

Peter recognises Jesus and swims ashore. there was already breakfast waiting. Jesus did not need that miraculous catch. and after the sumptuous meal, we read about the famous "DO you love me?" conversation. (those who know me know that that is my favourite question!)

Jesus asked Peter "do you truly love me more than these?"

many have debated over what the "these" were.

some say the other disciples. which is rather unlikely cos if Jesus frowned upon His disciples' comparison and strife with one another, He was definitely not about to encourage a "i-love-Jesus-more-than-you" contest.

i m more disposed to thinking the "these" were the 153 large fishes.

u c, all his life, apart from the 3 years he was following Jesus, Peter was a fisherman. while most of us cannot stand the stench, Peter lived that stench, worked that sweat for fish. He spent his days and nights looking for fish. and he markets them. He LOVED fish. Fish represented his life, his means of livelihood, his identity, what he is good at. Fish presented him a means to make a living, presented him with a life and friends who made up his world.

the 153 fish now represented all that, and more. 153... what a lot of fish! what alot of money that represents too! he could kick back and feed on that income for months! He could live on that wonderful reputation this catch of 153 large fish would give him! the wonder fisherman!

Yet, Jesus was asking him, "Do you love me more than these?"

is he going to give this up just like he had when Jesus called him to follow Him? will he again leave what he thought life was about, leave the life he has carved out for himself, leave what was so terribly familiar, leave the prosperity this 153 large fish can give him?

sometimes, i feel i loved my fish more and that call from the Lord alot harder to answer. Lord, help me to love You more than "these".

what makes u come alive?

Don't ask what the world needs
rather ask "What makes me come alive?"
cos what the world needs is people who are alive


one worship session at the US conference was led by latin americans n blacks. u noe lah... their worship style is not like what we see in the movies... was kinda hard to follow sometimes cos it's so impromptu... and they follow the worship leader. what caught me was one line which the worship leader sang and we echoed like a zillion times. the truth of it sang deep into my heart. the line was:

"I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive!"

sometimes we Christians live as if we were better of dead. yes we are supposed to live looking forward to heaven, but that doesn't mean we dun enjoy the journey getting there. and the effect of it is that non-Christians look at us n r not impressed by the way we live. we forget that Christ has made us alive. (nonwithstanding answering the question "what does being alive mean?")

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
Ephesians 2:4,5

Besides that, God has put within each of us a unique set of personality and characteristics, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. what do you enjoy doing? what is that which make u tick? that answer, my friend, need not be "reading the bible", or "telling others about Him"... no 'pharisee-like' model answers pls! if that's really your genuine answer fine. but answers like "drawing", "singing" are just as spiritual. the guy in the "chariots of fire" (whose name i can't recall now in this jet-laggedness!) said that he feels God smile when he runs. running makes him feel alive.

what makes u feel alive?

super jetlagged!!!!!!!

oh man...!!! remmeber i told u i was in the right time zone when i was in the US? well, well, well...! welcome me back to my insomniac life once again!!! totally cant sleep at night...! it's been yet another wide-awake night! sigh... n now... another day!

Nocturnal no more

i had always suspected that i was born in the wrong time zone. since young i had so much trouble trying to sleep. it s a 'normal' thing to hear the first of the alarm clocks go off n not having slept a wink!

yet, here i suffer no jetlag, i feel sleepy by midnight n wake up at daybreak! wat a wonderful feeling! instead of saying "Good night God" n then go to bed at the break of dawn, i finally say "Good morning, God!" it's more than a week since we've been here... n for the first time in my life i have to say i m a morning person!

man, i should consider moving to the US to stay huh? =)

Campus Ministry Days

People of Mission
Captivated by God | Called to the World

the above is the theme of the campus conference which just ended today.
the campus ministry days had been nothing short of inspiring.

we were reminded by John Piper the need to be captivated by God, to teach the whole counsel of God, to understand the lostness of Man and the role and importance of teaching.

tomorrow we will see the commencement of the main conference. i m looking forward to the county fair after the opening ceremony. well, we sure know how to mix work with pleasure!

leaving everything

Peter said to him (Jesus), "We have left everything to follow you!" Mark 10:28

it's not a one-time act leaving of 'everything'. we may think "we have left everything", i dun have anymore stuff to surrender or leave...

it's more of a continual leaving and surrendering of our "things". often we start the christian life or service leaving everything to follow Christ. yet, along the way we tend to pick up things and form attachments that we find hard to give up (and thus hinder us) when Jesus calls us to a deeper level of commitment; a deeper walk with Him. and it becomes hard to give up 'everything' (whatever little or seemingly insignificant; whatever important or dear).

for me, it's giving up of material comforts i will not b able to afford for myself or my family. it's not a choice i made and forget the moment i started on my first step. it's a continued choice that has a continued price.

what are some "things" that are hard to give up or leave in order to grow in your walk with God? time? money? possessions? someone?

yet listen to what Jesus says to Peter -
"I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me ad the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life." Mark 10:29, 30

celebrated 4 years on staff...!

met up with our International President twice today. once when he came over to our fraternity house to speak to us and another later the afternoon.

it was such a gr8 time of hearing fr him how God revealed the vision for the organisation and allowing my own vision for the ministry be refreshed and sharpened. and he is someone really humble and Spirit-filled. i m so surprised that in a conversation with someone who was seeking God re whether to come on full time ministry, he did not challenge her the way most eager leaders would to join us. rather he said he does not know God's plans for her but he will be praying for her and asked her to update him. he took the time to talk and find out about her. couold c the genuine concern for her... n it could have been that se was asking him about exploring another organisation and that wouldn't have made any difference.

besides that, meeting other global leaders up close and personal was inspiring.

what a "wow!" way to celebrate my 4th anniversary!!! haha...

i thank God for His wonderful way of allowing me to b a part of this huge conference;

2 remind me of the call of God in my life, the vision and work specifically in this organisation. such needed fuel for the journey ahead.

pls hear what i m NOT saying

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING
[by by Charles C. Finn September, 1966]

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the mask I wear!
For I wear a mask.
I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.

Pretending is second nature with me,
but I beg you, don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny, unruffled,
that confidence is my name
and coolness is my game
and I need no one.

But don't believe, please don't!
My surface is my mask.
Beneath is the real me,
in my confusion,
in my fear,
in loneliness.
But I hide this,
I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness
and of being rejected.
That's why I frantically create
a mask to hide behind.
To help me pretend,
to shield from the glance that knows!
If that glance is followed by acceptance,
if it is followed by love, it will save me.

It's the only thing that will assure me
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this, I don't dare, I'm afraid to!
I'm afraid your glance will not
be followed by love and acceptance.

I'm afraid you will think less of me
that you will laugh at me
and your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down inside I'm nothing,
I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play games.
My desperate pretending games,
with assurances on the outside
and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks
and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter with you
and tell you nothing of what hurts me inside.
Please listen carefully
and try to hear what I'm not saying.
Those things I need to say but cannot.
I dislike the hiding, honestly I do.
I dislike the superficial, phony games I'm playing.

I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me
but I need your help.
You can help me by holding out your hand,
even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.
For each time you are kind or gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care about me,
my heart begins to grow wings!
Very feeble wings but wings!

With your sensitivity,
empathy and understanding I can make it.
You breathe life into me.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
Only you can wipe away from the eyes
the blank stares of the breathing dead.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I hide.

You alone can remove the mask.
You alone can release me
from my lonely prison of panic and uncertainty.

Please do not pass me by.
Please try to beat down my wall with firm hands,
but be gentle -- for inside
I am a very sensitive and frightened child.
Who am I... you may wonder?
I'm someone you know very well
For I am ...................
Every Man! Every Woman! Every Child!


wow...! wat a poem! it reminds me that we are not alone in our insecurities... and more so, that Jesus reaches out to us... n loves us as we are...

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38, 39

gone to US

yo yo...!
not in Spore! gone to Colorado! till 29 july!
beauiful place, they say... will check out the sights!
m rather excited hearing all the hype re the conference i ll b attending and the place itself!

pray for me... that i'll be given a fresh vision, renewed strength and resolved conviction of the things God has placed on my heart - calling, ministry, personal questions...

thanks!

John Maxwell free seminar

John Maxwell will be speaking on "Raising & Equipping Leaders".

Date : this coming Sunday, 10th July 2005
Place: 4th floor, Worship hall at Faith Methodist Church
Time: 7.30 pm - 9.30 pm

Free Admission

Prayer II

Anne Morrow Lindbergh - "the Gift from the Sea"

I want 1st of all... to be of peace with myself. i want a singleness of eye, the purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities so well as i can, i want, in fact - to borrow from the language of the saints - to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible. i am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. by grace i mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. i am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in prayer from the Phaedons when he said, "may the outward and inward man be one." i would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which i would function and give as i was meant to in the eyes of God.

Prayer

Dear Father in heaven,
only You know what's best for me. Only You are powerful enough, wise enough, to guide me in what is right and good. i can't see my own way, and i can't walk in the path of goodness unless You lead me.

Give me only what i need to do Your will. Give me as much or as little as You will. Supply my need whenever You choose, and not according to my demands... Because i know that You will lead me on the path that brings best profit to my soul - whether i am given the desires of my heart or that they are withheld.

I ask you to teach me and help me to push away the voices that call and distract me... demanding from me until i am empty and burned out... left without strength or passion.
Cause me to still my soul before You right now... to fix my inner being on the vision of You... passionate, holy, afire with love.

Father, i need you to help me face the truth about the hungers that lie in my heart. i've become so good at letting other people see i'm a "good person" that i no longer truly know what is in my heart.

For every want that's in me, show me Your way to fill it. Feed my soul, Father so i will not allow the evil one to tempt me with his sweet offerings that leave a terrible gnawing and bitter after-taste.

I know that the purpose of my life is to have Your light and peace of Your presence in me... giving me the strength to overcome satan, the world and my flesh... I want to live by the Spirit. Teach me, allow Your living waters to flow. Help me to live for Your glory and Your glory alone.

think abt it

if God created Man then there is someone outside of Man to whom he becomes responsible. He is not in and of himself the master of his own fate.; he is neither the final authority nor the only one to whom he must finally answer. - Charles C. Ryrie