my priority now is to prioritise...
Meta, Gen12, GIG, OA, christmas, Weddings, Coaching, birthdays.
vocals, art, korean, run with the horses, boundaries...

m v v tired. but now since my terrible bout of sullenness is gone... now i can focus on my work... the body will come since my heart is beta now... but but... my throat is v sore! greenish phlegm and all...been dayz... shall try rest. esp b4 party-season starts!

havent been running... it's kinda worrying... since all my colleagues are training well... i dun think i can pull this one off liao... sigh...

juz tot i'd put this up.

SURRENDERING YOUR DREAMS by Stormie Omartian
Most of us have experienced a time when our lives appear to be standing still. No matter how hard we work, it seems like every door is closed and no new ones are opening. Often that's because we have an image in our mind of what we want to be happening, and when we see that it isn't we think NOTHING is happening...God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making.

**have i surrendered all my dreams?**

Lord, i release all my hopes and dreams to You this day. If there is anything that i am longing for that is not to be a part of my life, i ask You to take away the desire for it so that what should be in my life will be released to me.
I realize how dangerous it is to make idols of my dreams - to try and force my life to be what i envisioned for myself .
I lift up to You all that i desire, and i declare this day that i desire You more. I want the desires of my heart to line up with the desires of Your heart.
As hard as it is for me to let go of the hopes and dreams i have for my life, i lay them all at Your feet. I know that as i die to them, You will either bury them forever or resurrect them to life.
I accept Your decision and fully submit to it. Lead me in Your path, Lord. I don't want to speak a vision of my own heart.
You never said life would be easy. You said You would be with me. I now take each step with the light of Your presence as my guide. Amen.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."Psalm 37:4
are my desires from Him alone?

Growth is always worth the price you pay because the alternative is a limited life with unfulfilled potential - John Maxwell

desperate tears rise from the depth - i know not what they mean
silent screams rumble 'neath the facade - things are not what they seem
who can fathom the mysteries of the heart?
who can ever guess the sadness of the lark?
who can comprehend the ode of the soul?
who can escape the clutches of the Ghoul?
- J. Evanson

In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. - Colette.

Show me someone whose life is cringe-free and i'll show you a dead person - "Gemma" in The Other side of the Story by Marian Keyes (p491)

veliyoou
oiyvoule
yvooluie
eoovilyu

陶喆 - 忘不了MV

thanks to 00... who made me sing to David Tao wif her.haha...
songs always remind me of pp... n this song... is for...i miss you 忘不了

juz watched matrix revolutions (i think..) on Ch5... here's some lines i tot were very meaningful:

(during the final Neo/Smith showdown)
agent Smith: only the human mind can conjure something as insipid as love...
(haha... dun think so man... was juz thinking abt it earlier today... sometimes i shock myself with how deeply i love another... me... selfish, self-centred me... can actually love pp so deeply i cant even begin to fathom it's depth! we are made for love, made to love... we love cos He [God] first loved us... 1 John 4:19 )

agent Smith: Why, Why, Mr Anderson?! Why do you persist?
Neo: because i choose to.
(AA's fri morn staff summit devotion question: what makes u keep doing min everyday? stayed with me. my old answer to dat question was - cos i choose to. hearing Neo reminded me of it. incidentally IN n i were talking abt it thurs night/fri morn till we were so tired we were dropping like flies. the staff summit IS very tiring! IN asked me wat kept me on staff... i answered - calling. i am very clear abt it. n i choose to obey my calling, work it out every single day...)

agent Smith: everything that has a beginning has an end.

the 'master' computer/ creator: it is done

(He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. - Rev 21:6)

Morpheus: i imagined this moment for so long (when peace was restored to Zion)
( things i have been imagining about will come 2 pass - revival, Jesus' return...)

Oracle's assistant: Did you always know?
Oracle: oh no i didn't... but i believed. i believed



top question of the month: W.I.M.A??

How am i to squeeze my life into a 27-inch luggage bag?! - ning (when she was still in spore n fretting)

"this is unfair!" - 25 yr old. (21st oct appro 2230)
yeah yeah... go scream it, champion it... welcome to life! as if u havent been around for the past quarter of a century. tell me if u can - wat abt life is fair? sianz... i ll take to that above comment easier if u were 5 instead of 25.

then again... regarding the unfairness of life... i began to wonder if being 26+++++ has made me take life as it is without batting an eyelid or twitching an emotional muscle...

was talking to some1 last fri and she was saying "no work tmr right? Deepavali .... blah blah..." i said "got..." n she said oh so u ll be paid double? i said "no"... n suddenly i din wanna cont the conversation any more... it s a little difficult trying to explain wat on earth my job is. well, i juz set a meeting on the next pub hol - hari raya puasa... i m not actually complaining... juz resigned 2 the fact dat i have not enuf evenings to do wat i need to for my job.

JL juz sms-ed me again: "hey i m back! when can we meet up?" n i replied all my evenings r out... pls do me a favour any1 n every1... dun chide me for my lack of social life or lecture me abt my need 4 rest or breathing space. dun rub salt on wound... my schedule packs up a week in advance... so to avoid disappointment, pls arrange wif me at least 10 dayz in advance... n if u manage to get a slot wif me... make last min changes at d risk of incurring my wrath. haha... i m seriously considering getting a PA to arrange all my appts for me... i d even raise support for her! haha

SAT at C n SC's wedding...
was so touched wen C sang 1 Cor 13 as SC walked down the aisle towards him! realised that i have been on this same 'stage' for weddings for as long as 20 years! wow... i rem my fav wedding - where we (kids then) sang "in His Time" to my fav sunday sch teacher... now her teenage daughter is the beautiful flower gal marching down b4 the bride...
i m in love with my voice! i think the mic n mixer did some kind of magic.yesh i m narcissitic!
had to rush off after my songs... took off my heels, got changed n flagged a cab... somehow kinda feeling like a runaway... would ve loved to stay n catchup with some pp (esp bishop) i havent seen in a long time!

had headache the whole of yesterday. was hoping it'll go away after the Morning... but it stayed... was wondering why cos i had no stress (the wedding was piece of cake, ET later was settled by SS n SS haha... both of them are SS!!!) then concluded i m very tired n my brain was internally breaking down... some form of sadistic renovations were going on... hammers, drills n saws... 100plus didnt work... coke helped a bit... finally in the evening it felt better... got off the bus, rounded the corner only to be greeted with lion dance acts right UNDER my block! thot it was a cruel hand of fate my headache came back in full swing!

and now, sunday, as i type this, the lion dance troupe was at it again! wat is going on? not to pour water on their celebrative (n i think religious) event, but my head's killing me as we speak!
----
more on staff summit:
was kinda jaded n unmotivated abt going... told God abt my feelings n prayed dat it would be a fruitful time... n as u already know, those prayers were answered. the 1st sign of it being answered was when i arrived at the registration tables and 00 came, threw her arms around me (a little breathless, n disoriented n still loaded wif my barang barang) and said "we are in the same room! yeah!" n immediately felt God telling me this summit s gonna b good. stayed in the same bungalow with 00, Su, ZZ, dinedine, IN...

n got exposed 2 David Tao's newest album. ZZ, von n i agree that his vocals are lacking. he really was screeching on the higher register! nice songs tho... but after awhile, they all sound sama... dun understand how MM, 00 n others can b so gaga over him.

felt kinda agoraphobic cos of the haze... checked the PSI... decided cannot run even tho the beach is juz outside, or the pool's a stone's throw away... sigh... i preferred to stay-indoors n breath in air-con...

well, then sprained my ankle on the last night.. silly twist... now i gotta lay off running for a week...
----

was juz pondering on my way back last night abt my current obsession (has been going on for at least 1 week now) - a wet n intimate thing... (previously was revival - was dreaming so much abt it, n almost everything i did, heard was abt it) hope i ll get over my current obsession... esp since actualisation is nowhere in sight. sigh...

okay... linn juz called me... nice of her... gotta go meet them for lunch... n then meeting re youth min... ciao

was away on staff summit hence was not able to blog... too busy lah! so many things...

STAFF SUMMIT - ONE Phil 1:27
besides it being very tiring - using brain in discussions and problem solving, worship, prayer etc fr 9am-930pm! was a wonderful time coming together as an organisation. the objectives of the summit were met (IMO). and the whole week was successful! lots of spiritual lessons...!

game time -
was extremely fun seeing how we were so totally aggressive and competitive, violent and rough! haha... i juz shrug at the intensity of it all.. but the new staff were more than taken aback.. lol... one of them mocked anger as she threw her bandana onto the ground saying, "wah lau staff so violent one ah? i dun wanna join staff liao ah!" i was so tickled. we really put in our all in everything we do huh. think it s an org culture. as if it was business as usual... which is really is... juz dat... all the energy and passion were channelled into games n not work this time.

dressed as big bad wolf, KA as grandma, YK as little red riding hood at Omega nite. acted as "Knee Mole"

had a gr8 time spending time wif colleagues... having long deep talks dat couldnt have taken place otherwise. yet, i missed the much craved for talk wif my darling... (didnt meet up cos we had other work appts n 'emergencies') n during washing up d last night, it dawned on me dat we really do put ministry 1st... time wif frenZ etc after... it wasnt so apparent in the midst of work and all... but, tonight, i realised i miss my darling...

was so busy with everything dat i didnt get to think abt my med min stuff n even read the 2 books i brought. (well, i m not being ambitious... usually i can finish quite fast... esp when i m already in the middle of those 2)

i've been stuck on the book- the other side of the story for a long time! i cant believe i m coming 2 d end of d 3 week loan period n still far fr finsihing! n the more i read, the more i shudder cos it seems like alot of the characters in my life converge n jump out at me as i turn the pages! 1st main character's pain is a tad too familiar, n she communicates thru email 2 her best friend who is is miles away... the next protagonist is called Jojo... the name reminds me of at least 2 pp i m close to, yet she (the one in the book) is the contrast of all of them put tog. then it is L. sigh... n then even G--- has to be featured; no matter how minutely. they were all about to come out of the book as living nightmare for me... n i stubbornly cont reading... wonder who'll pop up next...

anyway.. it s a very busy weekend. many thanks to the delayed ETA of an intimate associate, current mood stands as sullen and brooding, easily irritable, volatile... cAREFUL now...

fare well my dar-Ning in the land of the rising sun
Ning, i'll miss u MUCH! things wont b the same without you ard! even tho you say we've not been hanging out tog much anyway... but gal, u always are on my heart. there's much to say too... but words juz wont suffice. so shall juz leave it as I'LL MISS YOU... n you both are in my prayers. cya later at the airport

esp 4 YT

you are leaving on a jet plane....~
sigh... juz sent you off... u r airborne like right now. gal, u r SOOOO popular! wat a riot in the airport! n man... it's amazing... 1st time i send pp off n see so many watery, red eyes! how did u feel getting the first kiss fr me? u asked if it was my first... yesh... it's my 1st kiss! *think i have selective amnesia* hee...

so, finally u r gone! u ve been wanting this so long since i got to know u 6 years ago... n us getting so much closer juz 2 years back wen i was at my LOWEST. thank you for coming into my life, and for being there... for cheering me up and cheering me on... you are God's show of love and providence for me.

m so glad u r going to bless nations! literally nations!! rem "v" hor... so excited for you! jia you! you continue to be strong in the Lord n in His mighty power... and put on His armour! n love, love, love all those He'll put b4 u!

ok... oh oh! me'll go n read ur card now... hee. TC... cya on skype! n like D said - come back n we'll restart our TSC! LOL

back blog: thurs 12/10 super long entry - blown away!

0630- resolved 2 not be grumpy in the morning as i got outta house... jammed up my ears with my earphones n walked to the bus stop. a cyclist came up fr behind me... rang his bell, i kept left, saw fr the corner of my eye he took to d left too... i moved right the same time he moved right.. so there we did a little jiggy dance.. i finally hopped to the far right side and apologised profusely... which he chose to accept none of... n in turn berated me with vulgarities. so much for a wonderful start to a wonderful day. sigh...

on the mrt, my water bottle cap came off and spilled it's contents on me while i was totally engrossed in reading. my jeans, journal (nice purplish CLOTH cover) and bible were soaked! sigh...

i always have to get on buses driven by nice bus drivers who would stop at every stop despite the front of the bus being packed to the max; who would then let desperate passengers-wannabes attempt squeezing up; who would shout for pp to move to the rear; whose shouts fall on the deaf ears of "intelligent" pp n hence resulting in the bus taking WAY long 2 get 2 NUS!!! sigh...

felt led to pray something... but didn't... felt not too good abt that; as if i had abjugated some responsibilty. sigh...

0930- at EAST. late again... i cant really pull off going to NUS n get 2 my training on time. today's session was as if the Holy Spirit has prepared me for it... dat everything juz spoke to me... i was crying so hard dat i had to move to the rear of the class n sit there to wipe n face, blow my nose properly. sat there the rest of the day cos juz couldnt 'turn off my tap'. sigh...

1230- had lunch wif ning n XL at suntec Marche. final farewell lunch. was good catching up. think ning juz really couldn't believe i'd miss her much after she's gone. walking back to EAST, i wondered how i'd feel cos in the next few dayz, 2 of my closest frenz will leave s'pore. it hasnt really hit me yet. sigh...

1530- din think i'd volunteer to be case study... juz DIDNT cross my mind to do so.... until everyone was sitting there waiting for something to happen... n i juz cant bring myself to wait for something to happen. so i hopped up. sigh...

ann B. came up, put her arm around me, rubbed me and told me she was hoping i'd come up. she said that she was praying i would, n that she knew i would! n she said that she liked me... gave me a hug and squeeze. ah...

went in... felt scared! haha... makes me feel so vulnerable to be 'case study' n to be prayed over with 8 other strangers watching me cry, pour out my hurts and pains, and taking copious notes on how the trainer handled the 'case'. yeah... healing prayer training... feels so much like my NUS social work comm lab but much much worse.. cos this is NOT a made-up situation; u dun come up with a bogus problem... u kinda let the Holy Spirit lead how the session would be like n often it goes REALLY deep. anyway... i started crying again right after Steve C prayed to ask the Holy SPirit to lead. sigh...

tunred out I was SUPPOSED 2 b prayed 4 today... juz like Ann sensed n prayed. the Holy Spirit let no one else step up cos that place's mine. I needed the "heart-surgery" . so predestined. ah...

i used half a box of tissue... some of the pp were crying too... haha... kinda funny - them being there... was kinda distracting, yet uplifting. once in the middle of the session, i peeped at them and saw such empathy and felt buoyant by their prayers and silent cheering. Steve affirmed me much and much was resolved in that session. i felt God so gracious n wonderful to have made me go thru this. at the end of the session Steve commented that there's something in my spirit that endeared pp to me, that i have such a wonderful heart, such a gentle and sweet spirit. i saw many unanimous nods.if i werent so "cried out" then, i would have burst out laughing. think at least 5 pp came up (somewhere along i lost count!) to give me long BIG hugs n said alot of stuff. ah...

walked back to the chapel room n met Laurel. she remembered my name! n she even remembered when she taught me! (which was 5 years ago!!!) i expressed my surprise. and she explained, "how could i forget you? you are my fav student! you are sucha character!" i went, "good or bad?" "good of course!" "aww, shucks! that means i m no fun at all!" lol. and of course a hug came right after. man... i m so blown away... (juz when these dayz i kept saying, n feeling disappointed at how lousy a student i m - cos i lose interst v easily n 'dun seem to pay attention') n have u got any idea how dua pai n sought after she is internationally? n so is Ann! (Ann used 2 b a prof in Dallas!) then chatted wif Karen B... n she told me how much she liked me n, of course, d wonderful heart, sweet n gentle spirit thingy came up too (i was beginning 2 wonder if they were reading off fr the same script!) her actual words dat blew me away: evangeline, i adore you!" (eyes looking deep into mine, hand firmly holding my arm) AH...

i was like- what is going on? they didnt speak privately. but out loud 4 all 2 hear! Suddenly these pp(godly, Spirit-filled, well-proven in ministry worldwide) with different nationalities, from diff times in my life converging in EAST n giving me all these affirmation! like God arranged a "super-soaker" time 2 soak me in His overwhelming, extravagant love. n He used these pp i respect ALOT 2 speak 2 me in my 'love languages', not juz remind, but hammer into me HOW precious I AM to GOD! AHHH...! i could feel their love 4 me, n see it in their eyes this clearly n i felt God saying I love you way more than wat u can see in these! AAHHH...!

1830- went to NAFA 2 view the artwork in the galleries n print my fav digital art piece. so beautiful! felt so fulfilled, so satisfied! ate vietnamese food 4 dinner. so X! - i could have gotten it for 50cents in vietnam but paid $4 here!- but authentic! tot lam! ah...

2030- reach home... was so terribly tired. juz like many pp told me i would after the prayer session. i had wanted to type out all the deep stuff n even blog abt the above... but... wisely chose to go to bed. slept till 0530 next morn. ahh...

re Morning (con't)

went to bed way early to put into pract wat i had blogged previously. had a good 7 hours of sleep b4 waking up at 530 today. but after turning of my alarm, a million alarms went off in my head nonetheless. the only way to stop them was to go back to bed... sigh. i forcibly started up my CPU... i was up groping along the kitchen marbled cabinet top trying to fix up my ritualistic milo at the time i usually go to bed. my mum's usual resigned sigh (when she finds me at my work desk or reading still at 530) was replaced by concerned puzzlement. i mumbled, "I'm going down to NUS"...

was reminded of everything i hated about Morning! the sluggish traffic, the dehumanisation of drowsy throngs of uniformed students and power-suited working class packed like sardines on public transport. every inch of my grey matter was screaming, every bit of me breaking out in frustrated allergy to Morning.

apart from my natural inclination to the nocturnal, i wondered how much of my dislike of Morning is a choice, a cultured distaste, a nurtured habit over d years. i resent being part of the shuffling crowd n chose to go against d tide of plodding, trodding masses.

i was piffed at the half-filled buses that refused to stop n let me board. was it even ethical?! but hmm... wat does ethics got to do wif this? sigh... nevermind. who says my brain is working? got to NUS late, hot n bothered.

y m in NUS so early? well.. for something i deem important enuf... n finally haf enuf determination to not "juz be there in spirit" which i had been doing for sometime. i even got into GC earlier than anyone... but still, i marvel at how pp can do this... sigh...

Euge asked me wat's so special today that i was down so early. i answered that "everyday is special wat...this is the day the Lord has made". today is different fr any other that came b4, or is to come. and, i guess that helped set some things into perspective.

so now... to work!

i think i got it figured out: my strained relationship with Morning dat is. i hate Morning cos i love Night way too much. it reminds me of an idea in the bible where "hate" is "love-less". u cannot love something unless u love-less something else. u can love everything... but then that makes everything on the same level doesnt it? anyway, it's cos of this love-less-ness, that perpetuates this vicious circle of me not liking Morning, Morning treating me badly thus, and hence me hating Morning even more.

I love Night cos he gives me the space and silence i need, cos of the solace and serenity i find in his embrace. i don't like the demands n hustle-bustle of Morning. while the only noise of Night is the "snoring symphony", Morning's flurry of activities starts with the shrill of alarms, which is, well, alarming. looking at scurrying, flustered people, i wonder how many feel the same way as i do.

n one other important factor is this: Morning and Meeting are best buds! Morning always comes with Meeting! n i SO dun like meeting Meeting! Meeting always demand a high level of engagement and decision-making, and presentation of alot of facts and figures, which i m usually ready for only after Morning. and, in my opinion, Meeting is mostly a huge waste of time. alot of Meeting is NATO - no action, talk only. but, but, let's juz keep the discussion to Morning and Night shall we?

so... i shall try to spend less time with Night... rest n prepare for Morning and Meeting. i m sure Morning has his merits which i have failed thus far to appreciate. n since i m a peace-loving person... i shall call for a truce until we work something out between us.
----

it's useless wiping the oil n grime off your specs these dayz. your vision would still be blurry anyway. it's like someone has clicked 'fill' and clicked 'white' n increased the opacity. coming out fr worship pract today, n walking down the hill, i got a wonderful view of how thick the haze was. these dayz, everything seem cloaked with dreaminess. n while i romanticized strolling with my Darling in such conditions, i was, of course, duly worried that my lungs n nose would start sputtering n choking up. yes... cough cough... *gasps* PSI 150!! praying dat my host of respiratory problems will not avalanche on me. this is when a gym membership will be needed!
----
i opened my work email n found >30 mails! whoa shudder...~!

i m fuming! dun believe it... it's just the last few dayz left n still... why? why?? why?! argh!!
think i so need 2 quit being nice. MM said i cannot let pp walk all over me lydat. i noe n i will put my foot down on dis... but God, pls grant me wisdom in this.

i m surprised how my gaping wound seem to be healing so fast after the salt-rub. i recognized God's timing in this. n i realised now that perhaps the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" is true for alot of pp. n while i m still bewildered at how long this took, i m grateful that it was even said now rather than 10 years later?!? so yeah... Thank You God, n thank you MM.

i battle with Morning everyday. and without fail, i'd lose horribly. He overwhelms me with fatigue, sees to it that i'd struggle to get up from my bed & sniggers as i stumble around the house trying to gather myself. just today while my alarms went off at 0530, 0600, 0530 n 0730, he taunted me saying i don't have it in me to face him, that i was pathetic... & late. & he was... right. i hate Morning! why cant he just leave me alone? why must he have me concussed and zombified? what have i done to have deserved this?
one day, i'll triumph over Morning. i'll not be wasted nor wash-ed out. i'll be alert and ready to meet him. I'll show him who's boss!
---
n tonight, i got on the bus on at 1130...check-out took way long. but enjoyed my time. reach home way after 12... yawn... was another long day...
---
who would've thought today s the day i'd get the answers i had pined and whined for. she admitted to her crimes yet pleaded insanity. i kept asking "Why?" today... n i got answers in return... answers dat eluded me, kept me awake, kept me crying, kept me hurting for so long. truth betold, it was not i that was broken n yet got broken. the "sorry" was long overdue & yet fell disappointingly short. not because i wanted more. on the contrary, it only was wat i needed.it fell short because it only came solicited.

teared in the middle of check-out as fear n horror crept up on me... i'd swear a chill ran down my spine. i looked at her. wat if...i fail her juz like i've been? No... it will not happen. God forbid.

wow... i juz typed a very long entry dat got wiped off! so here's erm... my 2nd entry for the day...

anyway... tonight's grey's anat was... heart stopping! literally man... i give izzy an A+ 4 dat hysterical scene. not OTT acting. really good show of desperation. m looking forward to more good acting wen danny dies. n i tot george should've at least, AT LEAST said something like "thanks" or "i love you too" or smiled. leaving callie hanging after she bared her heart was terrible. yet dun we all have moments like dat? i have my own fair share of stunned, open-mouthed, non-intelligible, all-too-disappointing returns. oh no... is this gonna b another episode review? lol

today started out sucky. the weather din help. the haze hasnt been doing my nose n lungs any good. the sun's lurking somewhere, u cant see it but u still get blasted by UVs anyway. i didnt like it. would've tot it dreamy, romantic. too bad...not today.

my mood did turn. a good book, journal, in a cafe always does wonders for me... even if without a nice view, even tho it is the noisy crowded macs. stayed back after meeting krys. felt so happy n contented sitting there alone, not dat i minded company. sat till 1030 despite my stomach kept reminding me d whole time dat dinner's not yet arrrived. (not keen on fast food) oh... i think dat d prayer time wif her did help too! lol

d book's another of jennifer weiner's. i realised i kinda like to 'suck' up all a particular author's books, like how i did dan brown's. but this time's kinda coincidental. sms-ed XL asking her if she'd want to read this novel b4 i return it 2 lib. turned out she's juz finished another by the same author. so tmr we'll b exchanging! haha.

mood's not affected even after reading SS's email giving me notice dat she'll be handing me her leave form for approval. after taking all those leave, she'll have ONLY 5 dayz wif med! wada...

juz had the weirdest tot on sun after i came out of the lib wif an arm loadful of books - i should write a novel on myself! like how weiner pours so much of herself into every one of her novels. it's like her in different lives n roles! lol. dun worry, i wont try to publish... sure CMI one la... lol

ok... nite!

Happy Children's Day!
"childhood is what u spend the rest of ur life getting over"
here's to you who realise dat at watever age u may be, there's still a kid in you! celebrate!

praying dat u'll have dat child-like faith before God, that child-like trust in His leading, dat child-like wonder at life and not be blind to the miracles that God brings your way each day.

celebrate for you are HIS CHILD...!

one of my fav songs: I HOPE YOU DANCE by Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that youll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin might mean takin chances but theyre worth takin,
Lovin might be a mistake but its worth makin,
Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
(time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and
wonder where those years have gone.)

thurs
it's amazing... blogged i need company to go beach - 陪我去吹吹风 and turned out the very next night, SL brought me there... i didnt even plan dat... n we had a good time catching up. it s been so long since we tokked. n y i did even call n met up was cos of how God filled me up at the sem.

it was juz thru the song - You are so beautiful. n i felt God asking me whether i would show the people i encounter n minister to what God has been showing me - that they are beautiful; that God loves them so much. i cant help but see the glory and beauty that God has packed into them. yes besides seeing flaws and weaknesses, chips, the flesh n all it's evil, wounds and scars... it was a challenge, an invite... to love and to choose to see as God does... these past 2 dayz i was so drained and so "juz abt to give up". i had felt dat whatever i did was juz not enuf n the perennial question popped up again - is this worth it? so it was again with great embarrassment that i was reduced to tears (the previous night i was crying non-stop too!) during the song "You are so beautiful".. dat not only had i saw myself thru God's eyes, i was filled with the desire and strength to again see others thru His eyes.

n so, SL... looking at her, m reminded dat whatever failures and all, despite our faithlessness, God who is faithful is always there. m i m amazed at His love for her. it is so unconditional... n dat love dat i saw... beckons me to encourage, to exhort, to love her as He did.

T_T

---
ministry is not about giving to others as much as God using it to mold his likeness into me... to cause me to see as He sees, love as He loves, feel as He feels. it is His masterful way of using others to help me as i, too, help them, on this journey to be more and more like Him.

i ve been changed. much. i blogged/shared b4 dat it is THE most exciting thing to have front row seats to witness God at work. n it is amazing juz seeing Him at work in me. i wanted to see/experience 1sthand, close up. yeah there i have it!
---

fri
it was really good finally catching up wif FL over lunch. after so many postponements (cos meetings last min work responsibilities etc), missing each other n all... FL, my hero! she helped me clear the comm room at the end of her long meeting day! saved me from my hesitation and indecision! yay yay! applause!

sorry ev, too tired to hang out at ECP. amazing how i needed pp wif me at the beach n suddenly got 2 in consec days! another time, gal.

i have lots i wanna say... yet... i dun wan to say it. hah. go figure.

"u've got d right 2 remain silent. anything u say will be held against u..."

juz din stop raining today
T_T
无知, 无能, 无奈...
陪我去吹吹风

ok ok...let me say some intelligible stuff. last week doc say my throat looked bad... n i was saying, "really? i dun even feel it." now really felt it. v sore! thank God it's only now n not during the retreat.

n here's the answer to the riddle posted previously.
What falls but never breaks? what breaks but never falls?
Night, Day and/or Countenance, heart

give you another riddle:
what is the beginning of eternity and the end of time and space,
the beginning of every end and the end of every place?

ok...ru entertained? gr8. wake up me when september ends.

tokked 2 jo the whole night again. settled lots of backlog stuff i din noe existed (but thanks to d outburst over the card thingy). i m so insensitive, prideful, carnal, dim-witted, half brained. sigh. n never used "par" as much till today. so golf like. man, instead of talking on the phone i could have been watching the PGA tour like how i sometimes do.lol. but well, this is way better. i'm a masochist! blogged abt it here cos i dun think i'll get to my journal soon enuf... so yeah... this is like note to self so i'd kinda rem.

time 4 bed. sigh... i gotta work at getting my sleep cycle back or else this whole week's gonna b flushed down the bowl!

God, i'm so un-Christ-like. Help me hor... pls... on my own i CMI leh... floundering here. it s juz amazing how You dare to risk ur precious ones wif me. well, guess cos U r this BIG... so... everything s in ur control. ok.. i rest in Ur peace as i labour in Ur strength. help me use this day well.

back fr retreat. was good. Praise God. tahan-ed the lack of sleep pretty well till last night where i decided to sleep instead of staying up. Thank God for strength. had a lot of take back lessons. alot to chew on. realised i really dun like inane, purposeless stuff.

talked to Pat... he touched on something i tot was so relevant. He said dat blogs give readers a false sense of knowing a person cos it juz reveals the blogging "voice" of dat person which can b easily 2 b mistaken as who "all of" this person is. it is juz one aspect that others may juz take it as a "whole".

called for cab after checking out.. was the only one to doing check out so no more cars, peeps. NO CABS wanted to take the call!!! held on for 7 mins n they had to keep saying no cabs responded. of course la... no cab driver wants to drive all the way to changi some ulu "hill" for a SHORT trip.. not even for the extra booking fees. there was no way i could carry d fan, guit, my bag n a box 10min downhill. so i called my frenz!!

XL came to my rescue! thank u gal...! n JB too. she said my timing was perfect. she juz reached home so she could come. Thank You God 4 providing!

went jogging... but din feel like it. mind was occupied thinking abt the past few dayz n what i realised a few things. the biggest hurts come from pp whom i trusted most. the closest such that their shots hit home n even barrel thru me thus making a bigger exit hole in my back.

came back n Kiss of the Dragon was on... caught this scene where the lady lying on the hospital bed was telling Jet Li:
you are the person i trust. you are the only person i trusted my whole life. i trusted you.
i actually teared. wah i m dat touchy huh. turns out i havent resolved it on my "jog-turned-walk"

SI finals. i really do like Jon leong! (even tho i think hady is fantastic too!) i noe a jonathan whom reminds me of jon leong n i told him dat. haha... he didnt refute wat i said but confessed dat he totally cannot hold a tune unlike Jon (so yeah... he even agrees they look alike). well, nvm la. jon, u r gr8 enuf anyway.

here's a few songs dat jon sang dat was way memorable.
Snow Petrol's Chasing Cars (Grey's Anat)... lyrics reflect wat my inner voice is saying i guess.



Police's "Everything she does is magic" brought a smile to my face when i heard jon sing it. cos this song reminded me of _ n it makes me happy to think abt how it felt dat way.

my gosh! i m totally insomniac! din sleep a wink since waking up 40 hours ago... n i m still not sleepy! how long more b4 i crash?? man... this is so not helping my silly ear nose throat thingy... n diarrhoea! today it was BAD! so glad i hadnt really had proper chance to eat lunch. watever cake somehow juz barely forestalled my stomach fr having a coup! but dinner got me running to the toilet 3 x! whoa my *peep* hurts man!

anyway today was a totally long day. RFG, then EFG, then some alignment briefing, Gen12ii updates, meta stuff......... got me a little fed up dey ran overtime. settled some retreat log then rushed 2 catch the infrequent bus svc down to NUS. was praying hard dat God'll help me thru d day cos was feeling sleepy n under the weather. felt like my heart pounded on my ears. man.. the swelling increased. my balance was a little affected. n my gastric was working up.had M1 DG... we celebrated (B)'s bday n Gl joined us 1st time... was surprised she asked how much the BS material costs n paid up! means she s joining us! haha... was kinda worried cos she was a little quiet for my liking n looked a bit uneasy while the other gals, guys n i juz raved all around her. DG was LLLOOOONNNNGGG... tokked on wif Shee till 5 plus... was really good... she is really open n teachable. m surprised at my stamina. still m shocked i m going strong now! waited to haf meeting wif krys. her lect juz turned into long MBBS briefing... why do they even use the word "briefing"? wat a misnomer! haiz.

finally left without meeting cos ah Li n F waiting. super late cos jam. had a good time. it turned into support raising meeting. haha. thank God! then went down after 10pm to Lou's granddad's wake. was really feeling the strain n tiredness. was wondering how much i can push myself. somehow i noe, i got it in me to run at least a 2.4k. it thrills me to push my limits, see how much more i can take. apparently...
anyway it seems like a routine now to reach home juz slightly b4 i turn into a pumpkin.

i really need to get some sleep... cant sleep leh. shucks. tmr till sun is the min retreat. cannot lah... i cant crash then. SOS!

God, come n meet us in this retreat. have Your way. we want You. we are Yours. RENEW us.

overview: staff meetings(!), then check-out, then chat wif von n trainees, went queensway, then to the doc's.

painful diarrhoea today. sigh. went to the 'crying' room during meeting 2 rest. Za n darling were there. looking at them fr where i laid.. it dawned on me how we've aged! (beautifully dat is!) they've grown more nu ren! esp my darling! so glad her hair's longer these dayz... she look beautiful these 2 TPs. yeah! (hmm... a thot juz crossed my mind.. does she have someone new in her life?? man... i should've asked! lol ) i'm amazed these 2 dear batchmates whom i havent hanged out much wif since we grad actually remembered wat my fav flowers r! (krys had sms-ed 2 ask them 4 GLAD) wow-dey actually can rem, wow-krys actually took d trouble. but she finally got me these

(sianz cannot load photos!! argh... shall do it another time)

at staff meeting break, my colleagues scared me into realising i need to start training EVERYDAY. it's way late liao! they say i must be running at least 6k everyday to make it. sigh... darling n i juz shake head. it's impossible! n i've only been running 2 dayz out of my 4 day-weekend. glad i planned to run round GC in the evening. shall b disciplined.

my running shoes gave way again. both soles which were superglued half came apart. cannot run another 10k in them. time 2 get new ones...went queensway at night. the much desired Nike wms Shox Revive is finally mine! yippee!

the old ones had 4 digits of mileage on them... no kidding... really saluate their long service! everytime i wear them, someone will ask, new shoes? i m like? huh? so old, cant u c?! lol.

i love 20th of every month... dat's wen my bank acc moves fr single digits to more digits! hee.

my 1st b'day pressie 4 this year: sonic7 called 2 tell me he got me something i can consider as a bday gift. dats early! thanks but sorry i really dun have time to mit this week!

went 2 doc's 2 get my long-postponed flu vaccine. n oso cos there's a rather alarming clicking sound in my ear when i run. doc says it's cos my nose... my allergies working up again. my ears, nose n throat pretty bad. sianz... dun c doc dun even noe i sick. i din even feel it. Dr say i've gotten so used to my allergic reactions i dun even notice anymore. he prescribed more meds 4 me.. i dun wan. told him if i need i still can get fr him or any other docs coming 4 the spiritual retreat over the weekend.

realised this.. i dun take leave i dun fall sick. last time i was pretty sick (for weeks!) after my weeklong leave at cameron. now 2 dayz leave, my nose runs like a river... everything is affected. ear nose throat all connected. sigh.

reading this christian novel. pretty fine. got this riddle inside:
what falls but never breaks? what breaks but never falls?

can u get it? stay tuned for the answer!

cant believe

cant believe it...
1) it's been a week n the gals whom i hang out wif at the food n book fairs last sun were still harping abt how MUCH i ate! (basically ate a whole day's worth of food intake at one go) shocker huh

2) dat lydia said my blog is dead... hey 4 entries (mon, wed, fri n sat!) n one more b4 the new week starts. wat is dead??

3) did a choral reading on "God's heart for all nations" for missions conf at svc. had fun rehearsing wif D b4 svc. was good comic relief. i meant me. made a few mistakes at the real reading. i wished we had made it more fun instead of so sombre. the highlight of the day was dat some pp came up to me to say they like my voice! dat it was so nice, sweet. i was like "huh?" haven t they heard my voice enuf? but this was a reading thingy... n i was more narrator/compere-like... n, haha.. my youths were saying i sound so nice n gentle. so unlike me... some say i should talk like dat more... n i did... n got them fits of laughter. yeah... cant believe sometimes i can sound very nice, esp over the mic... most times, i sound hoarse n brutish (muahaha!)

4) my 2 dayz leave is not enuf. took leave 2 salvage my brain. it's a case of "too little too late". i'm a little more needy than i think! hee... such a loafer! a bit wasted i havent gotten round 2 do as much as i hoped. cant believe i can b so busy doing nothing!

5) cant believe i've turned into such a homey! stayed home 2 dayz.. n today came home by 230 i think... (cos i din eat lunch wif the youths... man... pasta mania cum movie... they cant believe wen i say it's expensive. dey dun noe how little i earn huh... i'd earn more working at macs... but dat's not the point. ) n i wanna stay home more!

6) cant believe i dun wanna talk much these dayz... nope not depressed or anything... juz not as keen to yak.

7) cant believe i'm in this paradoxical mood... wanna hang out wif frenz but dun really wanna hang... wanna find someone to share deeply... but... as i go thru the long list of close confidants... i dunno... like i said, dun feel like tokking... guess i'll juz stick wif Jesus for now.. not much time at hand anywayz. sorry if i din seem so keen in meeting up... sorry YT for today's snub.

8) cant believe i wanna watch matrix all over again! watched hlaf of matrix reloaded on ch5 today... thot i'd like to rewatch the whole trilogy. haha... shall end wif quote fr Morpheus: "what if the war will end tomorrow? isnt it something worth fighting for? isnt it something worth dying for?"

1.40pm i finally stop procrastinating. signing up 4 MULTIPLY n LJ account now. so irritating la... esp LJ! argh... i was trying to get it over n done wif but all my usual nicks r taken! like evan-essence n watever deviations! 5 min later... still struggling wif LJ! man! 10 min later... ok gr8! i'm done. now i have 2 more accounts wif new nicks n passwords to rem. wat a challenge for my over-taxed, low-capacity storage facility... think some pp call it "brain". eh shucks! i 4got my multiply password!

was on leave yesterday. actually had a whole day planned...but woke up 2 heavy rain... n i couldnt possibly lug my oil painting and easel n paints ard in dat torrent. so i cancelled my outdoor plans grudgingly... was asking God y? then kinda got the answer. the last time when it rained the whole day (i was at work in NUS) like how yesterday was, i was telling God i would like to be able 2 stay at home on a day like dat! n so... here it is! wow! u mean... God arranged it on my leave day juz as i ve asked some time back? wow... suddenly my whole perspective changed. stayed in... played my guit, my piano (the "black gang" as i lovingly termed them yesterday), read, journalled... then managed to jog in the late afternoon wen it finally stopped pouring. so i had my much-needed beach visit during my jog. was a nice restful day.

went out to paint at night.it had started drizzling again. (then i realised the rain stopped nicely so i could go for my hour-long jog! cool....!) donned in surfing berms (those nice waterproof kneelength ones), my standchart marathon tee, and my trusty bertulas, with a book, PDA, paints, brushes, palette n easel stashed into my huge duffel slung over my right shoulder, my acoustic guit over my left and my 'oil-on-canvas-80%-done' painting in my hand, i thot how i looked was a good snapshoot of me.

staying in today 2 finish my backlog journal entries n read my book, check email, settle some work stuff, prep for tmr svc n cell, n hopefully jam wif the black gang! thank God for rest! aaaaah..!

this is a disclaimer i long wanted to write:
i noe my entries used 2 b more didactic n some will say "spiritual". but now it has 'degenerated' into some lousy blow-by-blow account of my daily life... well... all i can say to those who r disappointed cos of your high regard of 'spirituality' and how full time workers should act or write... i kinda want this 2 b abt my "meaningless" (hey it's biblical! it's in Ecc! actually only in NIV) or, as this blog's title suggests, evanescent(which is nearer the original meaning in Ecc) existence... so if u want some educational sermon-like stuff, go read online sermons... or other blogs which i'm sure u've found. if not, i can direct you to some. n i thank you 4 visiting nonetheless. (if u think i m directing this at you, NO I M NOT. dun b so sensitive. i'm juz writing this for fun, to get it off my chest.)

G.L.A.D

i wanted to call it a day n not come online... but tonight got stuff MUST blog! it's GLAD - Group Leader Appreciation Day.
was surprised 2 c my M5 guys whom i ve not seen 4 quite sometime! 2 read the card dey wrote... i almost forgot all d heartaches dey gave me over these past 4 years! hee...

my gals wore pink today! n i stupidly din make the connection! Jo, WT, Shee, (B), xTelle, krys... i was even commenting "how come every1 is wearing pink today?" without suspecting some form of conspiracy! i must have turned innocent again! lol. then again, in my defence, i must say, S n LF n a nursing student, von n i were oso wearing pink lor... dat makes 11 pink pp! so i juz tot: "YAY! today's pink day!" n dat made me really happy!

realised (in retrospect) dat i ve grown... changed my ministry attitude... not looking 2 man 4 applause/affirmation as desperately as i used 2... in the past GLADs, i would b thinking - wat will my disciples do? etc... but today, i was...well, nonchalant! din even suspect or detect their ploys

anyway, the MAIN thing i wanna blog abt was the song d gals sang to me. was an across 3 years item. was sidesplitting la!
I love You Jesus deep down in my heart.... (along with the giggly wiggly butt action!)
then 2nd verse - I love you, DARLING....(then they do the "guns" action at me. quite stylo. lol)
aiyoh! was sooooo touched dat they were willing to subject themselves to such embarrassment juz cos i'd get such a kick outta this! was trying to stifle my giggles on the bus wen i think back on tonight. such a waste dun have camera or vid cam to catch the item n capture all of us donned in pink!

n of course.. the side HIGHLIGHT is the cards i got! (haha... sorry it's not d pressies...) i love WORDS! med pp quite eloquent wen it comes to writing. will read them over n over n over n over again!

WT juz told me (over msn) : "if tt day u didnt call me aftr tt lab session, i might not hv had committed to c____" wah!!!
i recall calling out her name, waving n saying hi... as she past my bench. wow... the power of remembering names n greeting pp!
dun underestimate the POWER OF THE WAVE! lol

2.41am
i have so much to blog... but but... haiz... the words r not flowing! shall attempt later...

2.44am
to LJ or not to LJ? to multiply or not to multiply?
i really want 2 leh...but m really not keen to hold so many accounts la... sianz. Y cant my friends juz b simple n keep everything on the public domain? Y haf diff levels of privacy? of course i wanna kip in touch wif wats up in ur life... but why cant things b simpler?
think wat i want to blog abt comes in spurts... my brain's like a car breaking down... moves a bit... stalls... driver starts up the engine... jerks forward... stalls...

2.57am
i miss driving. i really do want to drive... i wanna car!

3.03am
i'm tired.
y m i staying up? cos i have unfinished business for the nite. juz aint happy abt not getting stuff done b4 hitting the sack.

3.05am
learnt so much thes few dayz... it's amazing how God teaches me something or shows me something...then confirm it thru some1 else! eg the sem speaker, (B) sharing what God has shown her, the book i m led 2 read... i juz wrote in my journal some dayz back asking God to confirm d stuff He has told me. n, He has been! n i m expecting more signs

attending LEADER FORMATION seminar all day mon-wed. learnt alot. got alot of thinking n reflecting to do. many many questions (dat shant b posted here). m kinda surprised n comforted by my good (godly) attitude! (haha), dat i m not discouraged or frustrated. must b God answering your prayers, guys! thanks!!! kisses!

3.11am
aarrrggghh! i juz found out i m so totally broke! no wonder my card cannot get thru! my cheque 4 $71.82 even bounced! n the bank charged me $40 for a bounced cheque! seriously, y does the bank charge me 4 d money dey noe i DUN HAF?! btw, i lost my easilink... AGAIN... 2x in a month! wat a record! d last time was eons ago! it never rains but pours huh.

3.17am
went 2 SUNTEC today... man...! was made to walk thru Msq, Millenia n almost 1/2 round d place lah! m pissed so called jo on the hp to rant while i walked... n cont 2 wen we met. jo got sucha kick out of it. i juz cant believe such lousy human traffic directions lah. they so efficient in road traffic, security control n all... it's kiasuism at its best! *applause* almost swore off coming to suntec in the near future... but after a whole night there n there's practically no1 ard, i might juz come back 4 d quietness during this World Bank n IMF meetings! the bars n eateries ard oso not happening liao! hah. juz recalled i noe some1 working at world bank! ooooohh...

met Ben n Jo...wasnt expecting to stay out long much less even reach home after midnight. (anyway had to back track to look 4 my easilink). wasnt expecting 2 take so long to decide on where to eat... then watch them agonize over wat to eat. was ok la.

4.20am
thankful Jo accompanied me 2 look 4 my easilink. company makes detours bearable, even memorable. (locked doors n walking looking up at millenia)

realised oso dat i didnt subject myself 2 d usual self-battering i wld've in the past. after i gave vent 2 - as joanne pointed out - a smiley "angst" (which was a short while), i was ok. im surprise la... usually takes a long while 4 me 2 get over my own tirade

oh, had a stye for 2-n-a-half dayz. gone now. (haha.. so random... but must blog cos my journal's not so frivolous... =p)

another random one-
last sun, SL asked me wen can go vietnam wif her... YY offered mom n i 2 return air tics 2 bangkok... but NMNT *shrug*

1-liners on lessons learnt (well, u noe e verses so shant type out) :
whatever is in your heart will come out in your hands(actions).
b watchful. dun let weeds overrun the ground of your heart.
dat requires discipline, obedience
tongue, anger. bridle it... or let it set u on fire.

okay *yawns* ttfn(tata for now)

how handicapped i feel wen MSN is down! man... it really is a HUGE part of my everyday work and social communication with students and friends! come back on soon k?

m reminded 2 'check heart' at Leader Formation Seminar today. m glad finally have taken leave! need dat time to spend wif God. (juz dis little each day is not enough.. need extended. i'm troublesome, ya noe! hee)

n learnt today dat i've grown indeed! my attitude towards hearing the "impending S inevitable" (haha... i call it however i like!) at this aft's "TIME-OUT"... the restful surrenderedness, the recognition dat beyond management failures, men's reluctance, seemingly "coincidences", is God's invisible hand at work, not juz in the min, but also in my life, molding my character, my skills... yep.. all my whining and frustrated venting... despite dat, underneath dat, hidden fr the naked eye - metamorphosis!

next lesson to nail - HOW TO SAY "NO"
(dat one i fail alot of times liao! sigh... latest failure... today! sorry N & X... it's easy for u to suggest all the harsh stuff... but i cant bring myself to...!)

tonight, God was calling out to me, reminding me of the burdens He has placed in my heart. He wants to pour His Spirit mightily in Med min and ASE. He has again called me again not to settle for less... to tear down strongholds... n to build up. Jer 1 He will send revival.

3x 40min

it's been a crazy few dayz!

wed was stressful.
did a team Birkman. got the results and review. got lots to think mull over. and.. the biggest stress question i had was... now dat i noe this, how do we go fr here? how do i lead?
my brain was messy/chaotic. bad sign. too many things to do! so many pp to meet...finally nailed my schedule down a bit. gives me a bit more stability and order. haha.

thurs:
had a long long day! din expect M2 DG to go way long. tokked abt priorities. was juz reflecting on my priorities earlier in the day (in the toilet!) my priorities were pretty non-mainstream...
then had a gr8 time wif Ning n Leen (DVD, food, stay-over thingy) would ve been way better if i had organised it on fri... but yeah... i have funny logic (fuzzy logic - muahaha). De-lovely is a gr8 movie! something u wont mind watching a few times over! n dat z wat they did cos i reached 40min after they started. so we watched it the 1st hour of the show again after it ended. then watched 2become1. pretty educational...then tokked the whole night!

then pia my teaching notes n ppt at dawn.
was a disaster IMO(in my opinion) but they(director n some new staff) said good leh. i realised i dun really take into account when pp say i did well one.. think i abit previcarious! i din tihnk i did ok n dat s the bottomline. think i din really understand the lesson notes n purpose well enuf... it's such a loaded question dat s juz as much i can do for 60 min mah. so yeah. haha.. can u imagine? 60 min lessons stretched to 2 hours?! n it's really not my doing! HP didnt mind us going on! the questions came relentlessly! some pitied me cos they say i kena bombed/shelled/blasted. i din really feel the heat tho... maybe thermometer down. juz tried to answer best as i can. then leave it to God lor. i like this kind of class better than another dat doesnt ask.

hence was late for lunch appt by 40 min! Paul was mad - "is it me? u wont do dat if u were meeting PM right? i noe saving the whole or evangelising the ibans is more impt but can do dun do dis to me again? tell me if u dun wan to meet me, u dun need to resort to this ok?" for goodness' sake la, Paul. i was trying not 2 get fed up wif him cos it's my fault 2 begin wif. the tiredness n lack of sleep was getting 2 me too.

then M5 guys were late for DG... then DN was 40 min late meeting me. i was so falling asleep... couldnt hold up... TCC coffee din work. i think i snored at NLB while waiting, then nod off uncontrollably at city hall reading my book.

went home finally at 10pm. sis wanted to pack her stuff in our room. got awoken by her at least 4 times! n mind u, i m dead tired, n i m a heavy sleeper. so waking me up wen i crash was no easy feat. so by 1am i was so awoken n bothered dat i wanted to get up n do some work but wisely decided my body cannot take it. went back 2 sleep after screaming at her. (!)

glad the weekend is here. shall unwind n keep hold my peace. man... GTG out again.

akan datang - politically charged entries...

Ning, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
darling, may you keep your eyes on the Lord so that you will sway neither to the left nor to the right; that you love Him, choose Him, seek Him above all else. may He lead and guide you, keep u safe from harm, cause u to delight always in Him.

lookin forward 2 d DVD/fast food hang-out cum pyjama party! kip ur fingers crossed dat i'll be able 2 finish prep my lessons!!

juz got off the phone wif charm. wata sweet gal. thanks, gal

so feeling under the weather... m so tempted to change the blogskin... went surfing for it... but, but...
liked a very pink one... angel motif... but it's too diabetic for my current mood... the other one i deliberated on was more reflective of my "under the weather mood"... dunno... may change later.

had lunch wif yeep. was the most "life saving" act i did this week... felt so much more revived. she 1) agreed i was pathetic. LOL ( i seriously m still hitting myself over my head on y i m STILL this pathetic!) 2) told me: i'm not back at square one... i've grown. 3) exhorted me - it's nice 2 b humbled isnt it? be humbled not discouraged.

the other life saving (or rather mood saving) act i did was 2 have my first ever proper pedicure last monday. made me happy. really needed such pick-me-ups in view of current sucky bout.

came back n napped for 6 hours! now head aching bad. groggy n all. wonder if it s possible to get some sleep b4 the work week starts.

mood forecast - overcast, might turn stormy.

i m such a bitch. i feel a growl rising inside. i bite. i'm not a nice, friendly person. there's so many pp/things i dun like. i break rules. i challenge norms. i dun fit in2 d holy moly mold (even tho tons of pp errantly think so.) i rebel. n, i dun care if u dun like me. so... bite me.

charm kept telling me dat b4 i came in2 youth, she saw me outside more than couple of times. she didn't dare call me cos i looked so dao wearing my sunglasses, wif a tight-jaw, cold, dun-mess-wif-me expression... now dat she gotta noe me, she said i m so diff, so friendly, so easily amused. dis is me, dat s me too...!

gotta watch my lang... MINORS like charm, sarah k, lydia n a whole lot who dun tag me (tsk!) read my blog! yikes! maybe i should do those "peeP" censors, like instead of blogging "i m such a b*****", i should say i m such a "peep".

anyway, had so much fun wif the GALS (E,D,X,N) last nite celebrating N's b'day. n we'll need 2 celebrate X n mine b'days, christmas n new year b4 she goes over 2 japan! cant believe time flies this fast! had dinner at PL's, had fondue at HD. terribly stuffed! joked last nite wif the Gals dat i m suppressed, repressed, depressed, impressed. haha. wanted 2 order a cold dark one... din. missed bumming into CL at PL... cos i stayed late in NUS wif DN. realised i miss CL... we've been wanting 2 hang but havent been able to... i need 2 meet her soon... i need my cold dark 1... dat reminds me... my list of "to meet up SOON" runs fr tampines to buona vista! argh.

it's like an annual event bumming into G. last time was oso last sept, us out celebrating N's bday.. at some cheesecake factory izzit? something lydat. i realised, to my horror, i dun even miss G. i wasnt thrilled we bummed n dat the rest called her to join us. we used 2 b REAL close! wat happened? man...i've become this cold, heartless PEEP. ohh... so alter ego... i'm splittting!!!!!

n, re men...D is proudly marrying a cradle-snatcher... last nite i confessed 2 them n sis im turning in2 one! i outdo myself on the age gap limit on both ends. x years younger (my baby bro - as he calls himself, puts his foot down on dat one) n 23 years senior! recovering fr the JS upset. the GALS had much 2 say abt dat. started a whole series of "men...blah..they use $...blah.. lead up to..." nope we r not sexists nor feminists, i assure u. dey were more sympathetic than i expected.

it s incredible who we end up wif... 2 of us end up wif sec schmates... as did loads of our AH counterparts. E is in dis retro-have-coffee-wif-ancient-x thingy, n as she puts it we 3 r swinging singles.... even tho 1 of us is refusing 2 "come of the 'attached' closet"! haha.

n X still insists i make a lousy wedding planner based on my track record of late turn-ups (4 d record, i only went wif her to ONLY 1 wedding!) i asserted dat (similar to wat L told me too) dat to make sure i m there on time, or even b there for the matter, my frens get me to org their wedding! G asked if i would turn up for hers... i chirped dat i'd have to consider. much to her chagrin.

stayed wif E until her super-late frens turned up. they went DXO.originally 2 go velvet... i cld ve joined her... but didnt, despite lamenting dat i m so outta touch wif e clubbing scene! juz name me any club n i 'd admit i havent been there! the party animal inside hasnt really died... but i m so not releasing it into the open.

this song s 4 the in-the-valley-me. introduced 2 us at ST retreat by S.. (oh.. i have alot of "S" in my entries! hmmm... hope i can rem who dis S is... lol!) cheers, evan!

MOUNTAIN of GOD
I thought that I was all alone,
broken and afraid,
but you were there with me,
you were there with me.
And I didn't even knowI had lost my way,
but you were there with me,
yes, you were there with me.
Till you opened up my eyes I never knew,
that I couldn't ever make it without you.
Chorus:
Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard.
Well the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley
to stand upon the Mountain of God.

As I travel on the road,
you have led me down,
you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
that you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way,
but you were always there to bring me back again.
~chorus~
Bridge:Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from,
And the things I've left behind.
Well, of all I've had,what I posess,
they can't quite compare,
with what's in front of me,
with what's in front of me.
~chorus~

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Heb 12:1
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:14
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Cor 5:17

i m a step closer 2 straightening this out... i hope!
i'm pretty sure of myself in any other stuff... noe wat i want, where i wanna go, wat i wanna/ gotta do... but this... *shake head* has YET AGAIN caused me 2 not dare trust my heart n mind. i dare not trust myself! can u imagine so many pp tell me they 'admire' me 4 my rationality?! n how sure-footed i m?! muahaha. anyway, juz realised i need 2 forgive myself... dat s one i havent covered. yep.
---
m pretty touched by how my colleagues have looked out for me this week. how AA said he wouldnt like it if he was in my position & tried 2 work out something 4 me... n MM listening 2 me blow, looking out for me in meetings n explaining wen she tot i'd b lost. n another staff! new staff! i'm finally a field coach! i love 2 coach. err... but havent tried this area yet. we'll c.
---
a saluate to all my frenz who's poured so much of themselves into the lives of their students.
HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!
Ms Yew! miss u! haha...! m so impressed n touched d other time (wat u did 4 ur student!) u really got my respect, gal!
n Mrs Chan! gal, sorry i keep postponing my visit! really swamped! so amazing seeing how u've changed fr spunky, cant-care-less student 2 some1 who s responsible n loved by students!
n WL... Ms Hohoho! u so cute... i'd love 2 ve u teach me!
n my x YA frenz! Happy teachers' day!
---
GTG sleep... been feeling unwelll today... actually for d past few thurs n fris i think...had prob wif d weather changes...hot/cold. today's cold n wet weather'd b gd if i m on leave n plan 2 stay in wif e books! too cold n wet! felt feverish. had a hard time in meetings n going thru d day! come 2 think of it... time 2 take leave again...
anyway... nitez...

finished e 599-paged novel, isobel's wedding this morning. frankly, i have no idea y my fren recommended me this book. isobel is some1 who s pretty sordid n really doesnt noe herself! fed up n wondered where this all is heading... i succumbed 2 d temptation ard p560+ n turned 2 e last page... yep... she actually decided in d very last min dat it was a mistake n left her 'original' fiance at the altar! thereby trumping his scumbag act of leaving her high n dry 2 weeks prior 2 their "wedding" 1st time round. i cant believe it! well, since i had only 30+ pages left, i finished it anyway, shaking my head totally disapprovingly...

it's wedding galore! hah... L sms-ed me yesterday - "woman why you never answer call or reply sms one? does that mean you dun wanna attend my wedding?" whoa.. so shiong! i was in meeting the whole morning mah... phone on silent lah... then when i finally got 2 explain my hesitation: i'm organising V's wedding d very next day... she said, "oh, so for a rehearsal u r not coming for my wedding?!!" whoa.. i got worried. her tone was !! hmm... "it's juz a clarifying question!" she said twice(n rather harshly too!) hmm... called her back later at night to hear dat she was "juz joking lah..." yeah yeah... "i'll still love u even if u dun come..." well, i'm not putting dat claim to test! moreover, i really wouldnt wan 2 miss seeing how gorgeous she ll look in her gown, would i? ;)

i need something un-depressing 2 read! finished Sophie Kinsella's Can You Keep a Secret? on sat. side-splitting! was shaking so uncontrollably on mrt n buses trying to contain my laughter... helped dispell my sucky mood... a little (n finally finished freakonomics today)

now reading Isobel's Wedding by Sheila O'Flanagan (like her last name!), so far it's abt this gal whose fiance cancelled on her 2 weeks b4 her wedding... depressing stuff... think it's the 1st time ever i'm tempted to flip 2 the back 2 read its ending n chuck it if it's a bad one... but well... i dun give into temptation easily (yeah rite.......) so shall plough thru the 400+ pages more. like the psyho-med text dat's taking me ages... depressing stuff - these psychiatric disorders... n not anywhere near being well-written. i juz cant get myself 2 complete it earlier, neither can i bring myself 2 walk away fr it mid-way. so yeah, shall finish it anyway in 10 dayz n return it.*promise*

n QT - doing Ecclesiastes now... those "meaningless, meaningless..." passages... i seriously cant get past ch4 in my state. decided to do philippians instead. yeah... the rejoice book. going thru the verses with feverish desperation hoping 2 get some truths esp on the rejoicing part hammered into my thick head!
this feels like a prolonged PMS! except dat i really m not having PMS now! argh!
i wanna change my template too... but... then, looking at my super long to do list, this will make... number 169!

dis is gonna be a long week... m so not ready for it! God, SOS!

i blogged sometime back dat i dun wan to give in to the voice dat keeps telling me all dis is juz too unfair... but... i guess sub-consciously heeded it... like the unwitting sailor enticed n drawn to the sirens' song...

rules of economics n psy tell us dat we function fundamentally on dis question - "wat is it for me?" more nicely put "is it worth it?"
n hence we try our utmost/bestest/chi nai de li(chinese) to gain leverage/adv/an edge. FREAKONOMICS showed again n again we are incentive-driven... dat given the right (or rather wrong incentives) even teachers cheat!

then again... i think... n so does FREAKONOMICS... dat we too r very much FEAR-driven!

wen we say "unfair" or try to get ahead... it is cos we r afraid of losing... (so s'porean huh)
watever it is, it all boils down to self-reliance n a failure to acknowledge n c dat God is sovereign n in control.

haiz... *shake head* i'm tired of dis... fed up at dealing wif incentive n fear-driven pp... pp who constantly ask "wat s in this for me?" fed up of me too.
oops. hmmm... i dunno how i got to blogging this... anywayz...

i have to stop wanting to run-away... i'm not an escapist but i m tired of battling. so tired of being the nice person.. always there... for u to walk all over... for u to impose all those demands... for u to dump dis on me. i'm so not-gotten-together. dun think i m lah pls. i feel like screaming... but somehow i lost my voice.

i need to get back to God... to recognise He is in control.however unpleasant, it s worth it cos He has put it in my life for a purpose. it is Rom 8:28...

Lord, i hand dis S thing to u... i repent fr de thinking dat dis is all too unfair... n the coaching thingy... n the guys recruitment. i'm sorry to have let these bog me down so so much. i cast them back to You. in You i trust. i lost my eloquence. i dunno how to pray anymore. but You do. Rom 8:26. You do. n i thank You.

super long chinese MVs entry

给在我的生命中留下足迹的你 (XLLLAC)…
时间不能冲淡或让我遗忘我们的一切

都是你 - 光良
谁改变了我的世界 没有方向没有日夜
我看着天这一刻在想你 是否会对我一样思念
你曾说我们有一个梦 等到那天我们来实现
我望着天在心中默默念下一秒你出现在眼前
想念的心装满的都是你
我的钢琴弹奏的都是你
我的日记写满的都是你的名
才发现又另一个黎明
这是我对你爱的累积

珊瑚海 词:方文山 曲:周杰伦

男:海平面远方开始阴霾
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈
女:你用唇语说你要离开
男:心不在
男女:那难过无声慢了下来
男女:汹涌潮水你听明白
不是浪而是泪海
男:转身离开分手说不出来女:你有话说不出来
男女:海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
男女:我们的爱差异一直存在
女:回不来
男:风中尘埃竟累积成伤害女:等待竟累积成伤害
男女:转身离开分手说不出来
男女:蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白

男:当初彼此不够成熟坦白女:你有我的不够成熟坦白
女:不应该
男女:热情不再笑容勉强不来
男女:爱深埋珊瑚海

男:毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切结束太快
你说你无法释怀
女:贝壳里隐藏什么期待
男:等花儿开
男女:我们也已经无心再猜

女男:脸上海风咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来
男:转身离开分手说不出来女:你有话说不出来
男女:海鸟跟鱼相爱只是一场意外
男女:我们的爱差异一直存在
女:回不来
男:风中尘埃竟累积成伤害女:等待竟累积成伤害
男女:转身离开分手说不出来
男女:蔚蓝的珊瑚海错过瞬间苍白
男:当初彼此不够成熟坦白女:你有我的不够成熟坦白
女:不应该
男:热情不在笑容勉强不来女:你的笑容勉强不来
男女:爱深埋珊瑚海

孤单北半球

i love 欧得洋enuf to have spent my birthday last year at his concert! haha. finally found d 2 versions of this song! or rather.. finally bothered 2 look 4 them...

check out d gal's version - a reply 2 d original version

woke up today(sunday) telling God, "God, help me be patient... i dun want to lose my patience wif the kids..." well, i din! my 'boiling point' was lifted way above... hah... we 'celebrated' teachers' day today... finally the THANK YOU item is over! d kids did well. haha they anyhow perform during pract... but on stage they suddenly became all prim n proper n respectful! n take instructions so well! such angels! haha! m proud of my sis too! did well today! hee!

was walking back to cc alone n was humming dat song dat s so deeply drilled into my head this week n pondering over the power of "thank yous" - they have such 'fuelling' effect... n how we need to know n be reminded dat we make a diff... was even pondering over how it links to wat i was reading in freakonomics abt incentives... nvm...shant type out all i have thot...

was v touched by FA who wants 2 b blogged as XX ! she actually took e trouble 2 teach me how 2 play this! wow! i shall pract! listening to it, realised d song s not in C! in F maybe??nvm...toi se co gang hoc de choi!!


akan datang - Jay Chou's MVs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRYS!!

i love you, gal!

went to see those boeings and airbuses fly by overhead. i cant cry anymore. hopefully cos i m done crying.
think i'll go uncover my piano n play a few tunes now b4 it's too late... i must b really stressed n upset huh... (re S n min) i never want to play piano one...

somehow waking up, i knew today is a "I NEED A HUG" day... thankfully got some... fr YT, Sha FR 2x (haha... she was so generous!) n jan C ( knowing touch is my love lang, hugged 2x n gave me a massage! so touched!) i guess they helped ready me for wat came after....

i dun wan to give in to the voice dat keeps nudging me, n telling me this is all too unfair.
it s not unfair... juz a bit hard to noe where all these will lead to... gotta walk by faith...

warning! verbal diarrhoea AGAIN.
9.37pm juz opened a mail dat went:
"Congrads! You have been elected as an emerging leader of your local ministry. As part of our on-going process of getting you ready for leadership, we have put together a simple program to give you some traction. As per my discussion with your TLs the dates below are ..."
wat discussion wif my TL?! i m the TL! so, now, on top of TP, Med team mit, med undergrads team mit, LTTF+, DFG, HR, CITF, TL, i need to attend a meeting dat TL's dun attend - emerging leaders meetings. (which r for pp going to be TLs...) sianz... so much for the merge. i noe it s beneficial, n much alignment is needed. but so many meetings?!?!wat abt min man?!?!

called MM immediately after i exploded (actually right aft i blogged the previous paragraph)while the mushroom-like toxic cloud of emotions(very much like the A-bomb pics) looms... slowly dissipating...
i'm calm now. like i told MM, i'm fine... juz needed some air 2 breathe. too many meetings. need 2 noe wat s my priorities n key contribution areas n equipping i need 2 go 4... cant spread myself too thin... counter-productive.

ok. here's pics taken at planetshakers concert:






had a gr8 time wif these peeps! n then hanging out at macs after... fun! n i love e opposite jumps we did! haha

today's Grey's Anat ended wif something like:
we know we'll get bitten in the end
yet we do it anyway... [on derek n meredith agreeing on hanging out tog as juz frens]
juz frens [yeah... cheat urself, cheat d other person... end up hurting more than b4...]

there's no such thing as "juz frens" [stop cheating urself if deep down u noe dat at least 1 of u wan more than "juz frens"]

12.25am scrubs this episode's theme question:
wat was ur best moment in medicine? [LOL!]

saluate to my sis, the super sunday sch superintendent

took the whole sunday sch session today cos sis asked me to do teachers' day item. took time to go thru OA wif them, then the song... vomit blood man... funny how coming out of sunday sch i cannot tahan them anymore... so close 2 boiling point. until on stage, i shouted, "HEY!" then reb "whispered" to sa, "whoa she can be fierce one..." think i nice, easy 2 bully huh?!

i juz go sunday sch 2 x dis year i already feel the toil... i saluate my sis who perseveres in her service week after week... work on her "crowd control" n patience, n disciplining skills... n how she cares n pours so much effort n heart into them... m encourage n spurred on by her faithfulness. i really respect dis gal man! Lord, honour her, bless her, cos her to bear much fruit!

do you love me?

rant. rave.
hvhefui cewyruivhewuirshuifdyty uihdfsuidhfuiagetiashuihuifd
do you love me?
i need u. i need u.

kinda feeling discouraged n upset. tired. empty. i run out of gas so easily huh! "If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?" Jeremiah 12:5
feeling real deflated right now...
farnie cos my stomach's so full of air n krys says she havent heard someone burp so much b4...silly. took milk...then curry... diarrhoea like crazy... my stomach's growling so much it sounds like a disgruntled bulldog.
Lord, too much giving out. i need refilling...
You promised Your strength in my weakness, You promised Your grace is sufficient. i rest in Your embrace.

everyday really is an adventure... started out not so ready to plunge into today... but bo pian... got meeting... n i were not really looking fwd 2 meeting my appts today. but they all turned out real well! i felt overwhelmed by God's grace n His assurance in my life, n min.

hearing JY's MBBS miracles, i felt God again speak to my heart saying what He has been telling me during this period- ask anything in my name n i'll do it. steph called me 2 tell me how the meeting wif housegroup leaders went. they were v supportive abt OA! n they themselves said they'll discuss n partner for accountability n prayer in hsegroup! yay! n whom i tot is my biggest critic emailed her to ask her to tell me dat i'm doing a good job! wow! come home, got call fr JWei. m encouraged by him... got end of posting test... cant come up wif sharing etc... but still pressing on. n he said YES to being SM!!! *little dance* n msn... MA asked me... "dear, are you ok? your blog posts have gotten rather alarming" felt loved... jo's sms in d afternoon dat she s praying for me... felt loved... n her meeting up wif the M1s... n how they kinda knew each other n senior crusaders n how they have tokked abt considering crusade... n now msn-ing a D5 n he is saying "I do want to go down myself too cos I feel the burden for them"...

God is working n encouraging me so much... how can i not be excited, uplifted?! it really is by His grace we are called to serve, to do what He has given us to do. n wat He has given us to do, He will accomplish it thru us by His power. such grace. such privilege. i'm so happy.

tmr... meeting more freshies! n then ST... n then...! i'll go planetshaking! haha! planetshakers r in town! woohoo!

so Lord, i've ask, n i thank You. love You. Need You.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY S'PORE!

why i wont ever want to b a president:
come to the national day parade real late (miss all the pre-parade fun!) and leaving earliest (cant tok to other pp,sit there alone n only nod head to start the parade...so minimum partying...(this year Mr President got in more handshakes... he din juz go into his limo, but went round giving handshakes to kids standing near).

why i love being a S'porean:
- it has the good, clean, SMART, visionary govt!
- gd economy, security, sound policies
- look where we've come in these short 41 years! so glad we kena kicked out of m'sia in 1965!
there's no beta place on earth than Singapore!

wat s wrong wif mahathir?? does he want 2 bring down d m'sian govt? yo man! chill... retire gracefully lah... dun hurt ur daughter like dat la. c father shoot hubby.. no fun. y use machine gun n spray the whole govt? v noisy... bloody mess. relac lah.. let ur son-in-law do his job. the pp who followed u feels he's doing well... so y tarnish ur legacy? dun turn pp against u.

i've been lugging my swim stuff ard 4 2 dayz 4 nothing! haiz... deserately need 2 exercise! feeling sluggish!
bro says CLICK is good.... hmm...

spent 2day tokking wif LF,joanna,Shee,Lyd, jo... interesting. *taps fingers on chin* this year's freshmen v diff. chey, every year oso diff...
20 ok... 20M1s...
still upset... Lord, i give u my upset. grant me love, patience n wisdom 2 lead.

wow... i juz found out i m totally broke! thot i had $... but i was wrong! haha... gotta get reimbursed soon!!!
- - - - - -
i m again at a point of my life where i need 2 choose 2 trust the sovereignty of God as oppose to just seeing man's hand. in fact today hearing fr SS, i felt momentarily tranported back to 4 years ago... hah. the lesson - trust God's hand, trust your leader's heart has been learnt well. think i passed.
was gearing and gaining momentum... then was thrown a curve ball on monday afternoon. lost alot of steam. felt deflated. today hearing fr SS herself... more deflated... yet... somehow... got a feeling i will get pumped up again by the Holy Spirit cos i believe (n so does SS) dat dis is fr God. yes... n of course... that makes SS more than an answered prayer! yippee!

i said things r getting exciting... i really dun any idea!
the booklet "have you made the wonderful discovery of the Spirit-filled life?" has this line: Every Day can be an Exciting Adventure for the Christian who knows the reality of being filled with the Holy Spirit and who lives constantly, moment by moment, under His gracious direction...

..............

was a good day... exciting tho cos guitartist played a song in way slower tempo, n drummer played another wif changing tempos! haha... but i enjoyed it today...
after svc, spoke to a korean. tried my limited korean on her... her response was "oh! u speak very correctly!" then after much struggling wif her english, n my 10-word korean vocab, i found out she studies Chinese lang in uni! chey! then understanding each other went more smoothly afterwards! her chinese was pretty good!
youth- wen on this food trail... was kinda fun. 1st stop was to eat my fav - laksa!! went to order 3 bowls to share amongst my group of 11 pp! haha... d uncle asked "ai hum mai?" (eat laksa how can dun eat hum? it's a vital ingredient! juz make sure u ve got ur hep A jabs.) gissy taught me song fr the movie "3 good men" (to the tune of the nursery rhyme "i hear thunder"):
lang jiak hum ah
lang jiak hum ah
lang pang sai
lang pang sai
hum jiak sai ah
hum jiak sai ah
lang jiak hum
lang jiak hum!
was SO amused i kept singing it n even taught others! it's in hokkien btw... abt the vicious cycle! LOLOLOLOLOL!
disappointed dat we din get to eat fried ice-cream...
met up wif the gals at 430. glad it's 100% attendance.
reach home. was so tired. slept fr 730-1030pm... hmm...
now having meaningful msn conversations. gr8! PTL!

FOP!!

woo hoo!! had fun tonite! CCC band (christian city church), don moen, ed silvoso... was tired lah... back-to-back stuff d day whole day... so needed this time of worship. was rejuvenated.. for tmr! yay! seeing the indoor stadium totally packed reminded me of last summer at colorado state uni. totally packed wif staff worshipping- wonderful feeling!

in the midst of worship, felt God ask me to surrender all to Him - including the promises He gave me. i felt Him impressed upon my heart not to hold on so tightly but to give it back to Him with open hand - not even allowing His promises or answered prayers to hinder my irrevocable surrender unto Him. claim in faith, yet with an open hand.

i love my SMs! wat a wonderful God given bunch. had a gr8 time at SM training n ST meeting.

it's d end of d MSN conversation when...

1) i am lied to more than once. i hate liars. there's a HUGE diff btw crap/nonsense n lie. crap n nonsense, tears, screaming etc i'll take. but not lies. i dun get angry easily... but when i ask "who is lying?" i better not get silly pointing-of-fingers n "she's the queen of lies". if u lied, juz own up n i m cool. dun give me a lie, n another n another. dat s the surest way to end our conversation. i juz asked a simple question, n i told u i m not angry with you. now dat u lied, i m angry.
2) the person who wants to talk but doesnt listen. (can u pls listen? u arent! pls dun use ur "logic" 2 infer n jump 2 conclusions. u noe me. i mean wat i say, say wat i mean. ur sms replies tell me u still dun get wat i've been trying to tell u 4 d umpteenth time.

today (4th august) after i blogged the previous entry, i had my fill of irritating msn conversations! enuf is enuf! 2 final straws dat broke the camel's back.
whenever i m on msn, i m working. dat means either i m in my office or at home working on the comp. y do i go on msn? i work wif pp. it involves talking with them ALOT. i dun mind chatting. n some pp asked me abt interruptions n whether they r disturbing since i m working. i m fine. i'd love 2 talk 2 you.

2 possessions i value most are my words n time. i plan my use of them carefully. when i spend time n talk 2 u, NOE DAT it means i care n love u. i m willing 2 put my work on hold n give u as much time n talk(words) fr me as u wan. i dun need u to reciprocate. but... when i find dat i get falsehood in return, or find dat all u wan is mindless ego stroking instead of truth, i choose not 2 further squander my time n words.

excerpt of a msn chat dat took place JUZ now:

only Your grace, says: hello
evan says: hihi
only Your grace, says:

just wanna say GOOD NITE'S REST AHEAD!
only Your grace, says: love you!
only Your grace, says: <3

evan says: haha! ok... dats nice
evan says: u going off already?
only Your grace, says: man im like smiling now...thinking of the times when i love disturbing you
only Your grace, says: HAH
only Your grace, says: soon lah.
evan says: realli ?
only Your grace, says: yah lah
only Your grace, says: I FEEL SUPER RANDOM
only Your grace, says: hahahaha
evan says: nevermind... i m used to it
only Your grace, says:TSK.
only Your grace, says: is that a good or bad thing then?
only Your grace, says: haha
evan says: u decide haha
only Your grace, says: tsktsktsk
only Your grace, says:

eh wait, i realise i didn't see you last sunday!
evan says: u did...

only Your grace, says: did i?
only Your grace, says: haha
only Your grace, says: but you didn't have lunch with us.
only Your grace, says: oh you did
only Your grace, says: the other table.
only Your grace, says: NO WONDER.
evan says: yah... walk down to mrt tog, took same mrt tog, went KFC tog...
only Your grace, says: hahaha
only Your grace, says: haiya i was walking with i-cant-remember-0who what
only Your grace, says: hahaha

charm, u make me smile... =)

ok... frivolous stuff 1st: i really love jon leong's voice! ahhhhhhhh!! n hady's! i dun follow much but yeah fr watever i ve heard... my pick 4 final 4 in SI2:Jon Leong, Hady, Rahimah, Paul 2hill.
i still get the creeps reading wat pp blog abt me (wat i said or did) or simply mentioning my name! juz read 2 entries fr youths... was good things...1 was abt wat i said during cell (my initial response was like "huh? i did?!" shudder!). haha... all d spiritual stuff i said she din blog... something abt "feelings" hit home. was extremely encouraged by d other1 who said in response 2 my OA presentation dat she wants 2 bring pp 2 Christ! whoa made me so happy lah.. anyhowz still got d tingling feeling in my spine - kena mentioned in blogs... eeks!

oh oh... abt youths wanting 2 bring pp 2 Christ... sunday Woot shared wif me abt her sharing experience. was so so amazing how she turned (as she said) a moment of crappiness to a witnessing opportunity abt "what's the meaning of life?" leading up to the gospel! got her to promise me to share it in church some weeks later during OA's step 5!

haiz...OA... sis n i tokked abt something dat so irritated me on sun:
K.I.S.S - Keep It Simple, Stoooopid!!!

OA... must really sit down to plan carefully, properly... a 6 mths lead-up 2 christmas... teach, gather, consolidate, lead, build momentum...

got more contacts fr NUS today... whoa... this year feels so different! must prepare our nets!

直到看见复兴

was something i wanted to lay my hands on since i saw it on TV eons ago... the beauty of languages!
every tribe, every tongue... waiting 4 d day!


last week MINIMITATOR, today, matric.
yesterday's Channel News Asia was saying they will focus on the influential. the tagline i caught was "influencing the influential"... hmmm... so crusade! ha