yesh... the celebrations have officially started on wed when the students surprised me by singing a birthday song after LM and gave me a slice of raspberry cheese cake...(or was it blueberry? LOL) my best friend (with grin on face) came over and say, "you dont like right? can i have it?" was surprised she actually knows i dont like berries. n yesh we decided that spinellis cakes are not as nice as other coffee joints.

was actually caught unaware of wat i wanted... couldnt tell when asked. had to think abt it on the way back on mrt...

n now that i think i have a slightly better idea... i think they've gone n bought the pressies already.

anyway, i find birthdays can be such a self-centred time... haha... yesh me saying it. friends of antiquity would tell ya that i ve been blessed with profuse celebrations all thru the years and mostly cos i perpetuated it. demanded it. wished it. i would pout and sulk and declare one not a friend if any dare to make less of THE birthday, much less forget. a friend who cannot even remember her parents' , boyfriend's birthdays can religiously remember mine. so yeah, i used to, and think still do, take my birthday WAY too seriously... m trying to 'unserious-ify' it over these past years... but havent reach total oblivion to my hatchday just yet. 

so, i ve decided to find a cave and hide on my birthday and find God. not go to work and wonder, expect myself to be lavished upon. will crawl out to have dinner with family at a "restaurant" under a hdb block.

so there you have it, my official statement of how i'll be spending my birthday. so dun need to ask liao. haha

it's times such as my birthdays that i painfully realise how much i adore myself, and allow myself to be adored. way too much for the good of my ego. i love myself, worship myself more than i should God. 

john 3:30. i need to be unEVANful. 

it s only by grace i m sustained thus far... n grace will led me home. 

the earth shall soon dissolve like snow

the sun forbear to shine

the Lord who's called me here below 

will be forever mine

"help us eradicate poverty" an email heading read. this is a noble cause. i was thinking aloud that if the millions that go into US presidential election campaign can just go the the 3rd world, we can do alot to eradicate poverty, improve healthcare, work on developing alternative fuel even in the US. 

having said that however, know that "the poor u'll always have with you." (matt 26:11, mk 14:7). there are more real causes to put ur attention to. why try to save the body when you really need to save the soul?

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i dun like dim sum. pls note. 

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what you can do about wall street. check out

http://www.ccci.org/ministries/priority-associates/pray-for-wall-street.aspx

m i a workaholic? i wonder... 

slept less than 3 hours yesterday, having juz reached home, still in my working clothes, i turned on my laptop, read the news headlines n now checking my work mail. 

was abt to wonder who'd reply or send mails to me this late anyway, the last i checked my inbox was ard 8pm, and while stimulating some evangelism scenario... well well mail fr philippines n korea! haha. *types away*

yes i think i m a workaholic. i enjoy my work and i live for ministry. 

hmmm.... is this bad? yes if it takes the place of God in my life and leave Him standing by the sidelines, that my quiet time with Him suffers, my prayers and my meditation of Him dwindle.

ok u noe wat i gotta do now...since i've also replied my new mails. in mere minutes since i started typing this entry.... i sometimes scare myself at how fast i can work... n well, sometimes my speed can be superseded even by the snail... 

today (or rather yesterday) was pretty good. =) m thankful. 

oh oh, b4 i go off must note this down. today ter found me a "beloved". lol.

got this in the email again. dunno where to kip so thot i'd post it up...

 It is about a mission doctor serving in Africa: 

 

  One night, I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (there was no electricity to run an incubator) nor any special feeding facilities.

    Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and thecotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle.

    She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it was our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed.

    As in the West, it is no use crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa, it might be considered no use crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drug stores down forest pathways.

    "All right," I said. "Put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

    The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could easily die if it got the chills. I also told them about the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

    During the prayer time, one 10-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

    While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know that You really love her?"

    As often with children's prayers, I was put n the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen"? I just did not believe that Good could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so.. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at the time, and I had never ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

    Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the packaging strings, carefully undoing each knot.

    We unfolded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some 40 pairs of eys were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

    Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the... could it really be? I grasped it eagerly and pulled it out. Yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle!

    I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

    Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully- dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked, "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

    That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before - in answer to the believing prayer of a 10-year-old to bring it "that afternoon".

Have you ever picked up a book and upon reading it realized that it speaks exactly to you, answers that every question you are asking at that time in your life? Well, last night I picked out a book for my bro’s friend and this morning, I started reading my pick… n the very 1^st question was the question I asked God in tears the very night before. how uncanny…. 

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Blaise Pascal's Memorial was inscribed under a cross on a scrap of paper, which records Pascal's experience on one unforgettable night in 1654, was found in the lining of his coat after his death, for he carried this reminder about with him always.

French/Latin original

L'an de grâce 1654,

Lundi, 23 novembre, jour de saint Clément, pape et martyr, et autres au martyrologe.
Veille de saint Chrysogone, martyr, et autres,
Depuis environ dix heures et demie du soir jusques environ minuit et demi,

FEU.

« DIEU d'Abraham, DIEU d'Isaac, DIEU de Jacob »
non des philosophes et des savants.
Certitude. Certitude. Sentiment. Joie. Paix.
DIEU de Jésus-Christ.
Deum meum et Deum vestrum.
« Ton DIEU sera mon Dieu. »
Oubli du monde et de tout, hormis DIEU.
Il ne se trouve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile.
Grandeur de l'âme humaine.
« Père juste, le monde ne t'a point connu, mais je t'ai connu. »
Joie, joie, joie, pleurs de joie.
Je m'en suis séparé:
Dereliquerunt me fontem aquae vivae.
« Mon Dieu, me quitterez-vous ? »
Que je n'en sois pas séparé éternellement.
« Cette est la vie éternelle, qu'ils te connaissent seul vrai Dieu, et celui que tu as envoyé, Jésus-Christ. »
Jésus-Christ.
Jésus-Christ.
Je m'en suis séparé; je l'ai fui, renoncé, crucifié.
Que je n'en sois jamais séparé.
Il ne se conserve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile:
Renonciation totale et douce.
Soumission totale à Jésus-Christ et à mon directeur.
Éternellement en joie pour un jour d'exercice sur la terre.
Non obliviscar sermones tuos. Amen.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

The year of grace 1654,

Monday, 23 November, feast of St. Clement, pope and martyr, and others in the martyrology.
Vigil of St. Chrysogonus, martyr, and others.
From about half past ten at night until about half past midnight,

FIRE.

GOD of Abraham, GOD of Isaac, GOD of Jacob
not of the philosophers and of the learned.
Certitude. Certitude. Feeling. Joy. Peace.
GOD of Jesus Christ.
My God and your God.
Your GOD will be my God.
Forgetfulness of the world and of everything, except GOD.
He is only found by the ways taught in the Gospel.
Grandeur of the human soul.
Righteous Father, the world has not known you, but I have known you.
Joy, joy, joy, tears of joy.
I have departed from him:
They have forsaken me, the fount of living water.
My God, will you leave me?
Let me not be separated from him forever.
This is eternal life, that they know you, the one true God, and the one that you sent, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I left him; I fled him, renounced, crucified.
Let me never be separated from him.
He is only kept securely by the ways taught in the Gospel:
Renunciation, total and sweet.
Complete submission to Jesus Christ and to my director.
Eternally in joy for a day's exercise on the earth.
May I not forget your words. Amen.

TRYING

i m trying to work on applying self-control and discipline in more areas in my life.

i'm trying to not let God slip from my mind. to let Him occupy my mind more than anything else.

could i written and sung by Kim McMechan (Vineyard Songs 2001) 

"Fall on me" Women in Worship *Live

Could i just sit here a while

know that there's nothing that i need to say

safe in the knowledge that You know my ways

Love me completely, no need to hide a thing

Could i just stay here awhile

Letting You melt away all of my fears

I feel Your comfort when You are so near

I'll hide myself in this shelter You've made for me

Could i, could i

Could i just kneel here a while

Doing what i was created to do

Bowing in reverence, i long to adore You

willingly giving all that i can surrender

Could i just rest here a while

Letting You whisper my burdens away

in all my journeys there's no other place

where i find refuge, strength for my weary heart

could i, could i

oh, Could i just let You wipe my burdens

Could i let You whisper my tears away

could i just let You wipe my burdens away

Jehovah (Yahweh or Lord) The Self-Existent one (Ex 3:14,15)

Jehovah-Elohim  The Lord God, Creator-Redeemer (Gen 2:4)

Jehovah-Jireh The Lord will provide (Gen 22:14)

Jehovah-Rapha The Lord that heals (Ex 15:26)

Jehovah-Nissi The Lord my banner (Ex 17:15)

Jehovah-Kanna The Lord who is jealous (Ex 20:5)

Jehovah-Mekaddeskum The Lord who sanctifies (Ex 13:13)

Jehovah-Shalom The Lord is our peace (Judges 6:24)

Jehovah-Shaphat  The Lord is our judge (Judges 11:27)

Jehovah-Saboath The Lord of Hosts (1 Sam 1:3)

Jehovah-Elyon The Lord most high (Ps 7:17)

Jehovah-Roi The Lord my shepherd (Ps 23:1)

Jehovah-Hosenu The Lord our maker (Ps 95:6)

Jehovah-Gibbor The Lord is mighty (Is 42:13)

Jehovah-Tsidkenu The Lord our righteousness (Jer 23:6)

Jehovah-Shammah The Lord is there or everpresent (Ez 48:35)

Jehovah-Jehoshua-Christos Jehovah's Saviour Anointed (Matt 1:21)

Jesus loves me this I know
Phra ye Su Rak Chan runn Nea,
Phra kam pii mii sarn wai tea
Mea tua chan nan on yon yang
Tea phra Christ son rit khem kheang

Phra Ye su en duu rak chan
Sin phra chon pur perd sa-wan
Doei yom tai bon mai kang ken
Chuie dek tang lai pon bap wen

Phra Ye Su rak Chan nak naa
Pen dang nan tuk wan wa la
Chan phuie long phra one lea hen
Sa det ma ra sa chau yen

Phra ye su rak chan yuu klai
Mi ting khwang ni tang dai dai
Chan ja rak jon tung wan nan
Phra ong ma pa pai sa wan

chorus:
Phra Ye su Rak Chan, Phra Ye Su rak chan
Phra Kam pii sung sorn,
Jung ruu dan nan nea non


God is so good
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Song ean dee taw chan

it's a surprise but Rocky Master is becoming my fav hang-out n min place. it doesnt play music, there's hardly any business so i can have my meetings n bible studies in a quiet environment!

i need 2 not let God slip from my mind. =)

well, i m busier than i had thought. now i m doing "2 jobs" at least. due to structural and organisation glitch if i can put it dat way. boss and team are very nice about it and have been asking how to lighten my work. may God grant us wisdom to know how to.

during today's prayer meeting. oh after typing dat sentence, i realised i have had few prayer meetings today! ok the med one. God is moving in certain areas pretty clearly. evangelism. He has burdened the MMReps for it. i need to know how to work alongside God on this. need 2 really seek Him for tactical plans.

i need to rest. =)

how did the goal of entertaining come to play such a big role in the christian world when it is not even found in the Bible????
in our bid to follow Jesus, are we sure that our actions show that we are modeling after Him or the world's?

Did Jesus try to entertain people to keep his popularity ratings up? did He use humour to engage people?
did He try to be funny? throw in a joke to spice things up, to keep his audience hooked? did he strive to be known as a funny, cool person?

why do we find ourselves trying so hard to keep the congregation entertained? instead of giving them the truth of the WORD and rely on the conviction of the Holy Spirit to draw them and keep them coming?

Entertainment is such a lousy substitute for joy and meaning. it's giving a bored generation what the world is actually better than us at giving. but what the world cannot give, are we going to give?

Peter Simon answered, "to whom shall we go? For You have the words of eternal life." John 6:6

i juz stumbled upon dictionary.com's word of the day. n it is:
evanescent
ev-uh-NES-unt, adjective,Liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting.

haha. wat a reminder. so many things in my life are fleeting. why am i so caught up with them?
there are those that are eternal, that are worth my while to take time for them. why am i so unwilling to do so?


God has, through the women's retreat, shown me His love and the love of His body. it was such a refreshing time. we so often know... but we dont really KNOW.

God is calling me back to WORSHIP. to reckless, self-abandoning worship of HIM who is the lover of my soul.

we are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies? - Edward Young

you cant have the liver wanting to be and doing the work of the gall bladder.
in the body of Christ, if organisation loses sight of what's God's purpose for it, it begins to copy another. God has called each having its own distinctives. you cant have piracy in the kingdom of God. you'll miss fulfilling your call and you rob another of his. in God's kingdom, we are all complements, not competition. those who do not reap together scatters.

spore table tennis goes into finals FINALLY! was a very good match against the south koreans. feng tianwei saved the day
we ll have to wait till 17 aug for the finals. let s hope for a gold for spore. it s been a long wait. put spore on the medal tables darlings!

was a good off-n-lieu for me. rest, pack table. enjoyed my own company. still got lots. would ve been better if they werent burning the joss papers. had to close all the windows so it felt as if i was also playing a game cos i seemed to be perspiring more than li jai wei. haha.

still coughing. maybe i ll go buy more lozenges. the burning doesnt help. i m v v sensitive. sigh.

postponed my date with the dentist. maybe tmr?? still have phobia even tho i ve been working with them for so many years. it's the thing abt pain and the chair... scary stuff. haha.

can u believe that i actually get carsick when i travel in buses or cabs even if it is a short distance?!!

sitting in coffeebean
pondering about life
intermittently breaking into prayer,
half-dizzy half-brained
nearly desperate, nearly lost
almost recovering almost gone

*disclaimer* this is not a pathetic attempt at poetry. it's juz me typing what is my state right now.

i think i m a proud and arrogant person. sigh...
i m disappointed at my proud arrogant thoughts, attitudes, actions.
how difficult it is to love and to be kind, to extend grace, to be patient.
O Lord, how hard it is to humble oneself. Help me Lord.
what's more difficult is how not to exalt oneself but to remain contrite. Help me Lord.
what a wretched person i m.



so many people are asking me whether You have spoken to me about a career change. like some cyclical thing, i get bugged by numerous job offers and people asking me have i heard from God, has He asked me to move on, what are my plans, how long will i stay in...etc. well, here's my public statement: i havent heard from God about any change in ministry/work. if you think you've heard on my behalf, please do let me know.

We have a God who delights in impossibilities." by Billy Sunday.

quick recap of days passed: (notes for self)

felt "they put burdens on people they themselves refuse to help lift". so wanted 2 quit (24 july)
next day felt uplifted by God. and renewed strength 2 do all the impossible tasks (25 july)
felt next time give a better answer to "how r u doing?" rather than "will be better" or "good" etc. eg"i am finding hard to find rest or keep my sabbath." put into words the struggle of my heart as much as possible. to help yourself and others. (KH asks)
if its ur project/idea, see thru it yourself. dun allow it 2 b sub out. (OIC vids)
lost voice for 4 days. couldnt do OIC presentation, couldnt lead worship today. now coughing like crazy.
the same day i lost my voice, i also fell down n sprained my ankle.
lesson learnt -
God ll vindicate. do your job. if it's not but heaped onto you, watch. God ll vindicate.
my immobility brought new insights into how i could ve caused my own needless energy loss n lack of rest.
i dun think much n juz do if i can do. but my sprained ankle caused me to consider the necessity of a particular action. n hence there's alot i decided not to do. if i was mobile, i wouldnt even have sat myself down to think. then perhaps there's much more on my plate that i dont need 2 do. hmmm...

now starting a brand new week. gave up BSF. or rather finally got kicked out. 3 consec weeks of absence.

focus.

yesterday was my off in lieu. i didnt realise how exhausted i was until i woke up at 5.30PM!! yesh! 5.30pm! i slept more than 15 hours! had planned to have a day of silence and solitude but God and my body conspired against me to have silence n inactivity of another kind. woke up feeling refreshed like i never felt in a long time.

i realised i ve carried around a huge load of guilt and disappointments generated from high standards for self, for ministry for everything. further meditation and reflection got me back to Heb 12:1-2, my freshmen camp's theme. "lay aside every weight..." so that can run properly ah...

need 2 better draw margins... say "NO" so that i can better say my "YES"

working 12 hour days again... need to pace. too crazy b4 sch start. cant imagine how when matric happens!

now, inbetween meetings. went 2 NTUC n did my grocery shopping cos these weeks i end after shop closes. so now i'm a cross between aunty and cosmopolitan white collar wage-earner in BK with bags of groceries beside me, typing furiously away on my macbook n shoving lunch into my mouth...

fix your eyes on Christ, the author and perfector of your faith..........

"Do you seek any further reward beyond that of having pleased God? In truth, you know not how great a good it is to please Him." by John Chrysostom (347-407 a.d.)