Tuesday, December 02, 2008

the self-description i've always used on my blog and websites:

I’m an inanely intelligent girl who is introvertly extroverted and humbly proud; a pessimistic optimist, a talkative listener, a spontaneous planner,a myopic visionary, n a workaholic bummer all rolled into one. i'm also a nocturnal homosapien who's melancholically sanguine and painfully fun to be with! I love Jesus and am passionate about discipleship, evangelism and missions. i m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ!

I’m finally ready to change that description! Why do I want to do that? I think it’s time to update; have a more accurate description, do away with the “try to be cool” mentality and state as plain as I can, as honestly as I know how, the who, what and why of me at this point of my life:

i am a beloved child of the one true, living God. I will give my all to grow in godliness and holiness, to be like Christ and live a life led and empowered by the Holy Spirit. I seek to be congruent and honest to who I am, to come into all I can be in Christ. I want to be known not as a successful ministry leader, charismatic preacher, faithful missionary, humble sage, but as one who knows and loves God. I want to live not for the world’s applause but solely for my Lord’s approval; not for popularity nor fame but for charity and His name; to please God and help others please Him; to know God and to make Him known. I’m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ The world is my scope and Jesus my Saviour, Master and Friend. With His aid I shall fulfill my call, for love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. 


---

more about me:

I think I m intelligent but I have been proven more foolish than wise. Sometimes humble, often proud. Preoccupied with self more than I like. Extroverted but enjoys being alone. I am more people than task-oriented, slightly more left than right-brained. More explosive than even tempered

I enjoy 

starbucks (once in a while due to lack of disposable income!), 

good books,

sunsets,

long walks and slow jogs, 

the seaside as well as the crowded orchard road, 

the stillness of the night, and a splash of rain

Monday, December 01, 2008

Soichiro Honda quotes:
  • Success represents the 1% of your work which results from the 99% that is called failure.
  • The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred.
  • If you hire only those people you understand, the company will never get people better than you are. Always remember that you often find outstanding people among those you don't particularly like.
  • What we learn through failure becomes a precious part of us, strengthening us in everything we do. So let the tough things make you tougher.
juz read his biography. was amazed at his perseverance.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


"Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by his beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose - and all of this gathered up in adoration."
William Temple, Archbishop of Canterbury (1942-44)


reality is larger than we are, and when we insist that reality conform to our perceptions, we have the same mindset as the 2-year-old who sees her parents as hateful because they wont give her a piece of candy. - Dr henry cloud, dr john townsend, it's not my fault
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i m thankful to have a group of galfriends. my thots as i read the 18 or thereabout emails sent in the morning: me friends r cool! haha! i cant wait for our christmas gift exhcange with leen back from chennai. n soon, it'll b CNY wif ning back too. my best friends fr primary, sec n jc n working days all in a group. way cool. my life is good. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

ok ok. i admit. i have become rather lazy about blogging these days. there s so much going on in my life right now n i should tell you about it... but i m juz too preoccupied with 2 thing: getting myself sort out and getting my work done. haha. 

let me type out some stuff to placate you guys:
i m sick. from the staff summit in M'sia. the same bug that plagues me is the same one that has gotten alot of my colleagues down. such a sharing community eh? presenting complaints: sore throat, stuffy noses, fever. 
im reduced to much coughing and unclogging the green phlegm from my system. not much voice to sing/shout with. i ve just handed in my medical costs for insurance claim. i love travel insurance!

actually hitched a ride from a lorry driver (who is God-sent) to the bus stop after a long n tiring run. he kindly offered since he saw us (note: i wasnt alone. i wouldnt dare get onto the lorry if i was alone!) walking n there's no bus/taxi at the stretch of road and he u-turned back to wherever he was going to after dropping us. dat, my friend, was a very cool, way better answer to my prayers for a taxi. 

my bro had his birthday. i m proud of my bro (and sis!) for the persons they have grown up to become - God-seeking, God-pursuing people! 

my good old friend had her birthday on the day her sister threw her wedding banquet (or rather it's the other way round) and i sat at the table with her relatives and maids. i realised we had been good friends for so long that her parents and siblings (and even maids!) dare to ask me what only relatives are entitled to. and i ve begun to know her distant relatives too! sigh. 

i cant wait for stand chart this year! so looking forward to it. so glad next day is a pub hol for me 2 rest sore muscles!

now, the heart stuff:
i've come to reckon with myself in a deeper level. I thank God for tutoring me and leading me to know Him and myself alot better these past weeks. 
i've learnt more about the Father heart of God, been assured of my standing, been overwhelmed by His love.
I've learnt that i m a "blanket optimist", not unlike the ostrich who puts its head into the sand and says to itself, "all will be well." and that has caused me so much dissonance. i cannot truly rest in the sovereignty of God without examining my thoughts, emotions and aligning them to the truth. 
i've learnt that i still go about life wondering "when the other shoe will drop" or when the good things will come to an end. 
and i've been called to rest assured in a loving, unwavering relationship
thank You God!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

you know you have "arrived" when you celebrate your birthday in a chinese restaurant, the kind that people go to celebrate birthdays of OLD people. haha...! 

it was my idea. it is a great restaurant. have to "call to reserve place or else no seat" place. what stood out was the outstanding service. i love great, prompt, courteous service. then again, who doesnt? so here's a salute to all service staff who takes pride in serving well! 

my family doesnt do silly things like getting cake and getting the restaurant to play "happy birthday" song over the sound system.
but... it didnt stop them from "pirating" some1 else's when it was played. n i had to shish them to stop being such "cheapskates"... it's some1 else's birthday song for goodness sake!
but then, we broke out in fits of laughter when an employee walked in from outside saying that they didnt manage to play it on the speakers outside (the huge group of people celebrating that person's birthday was outside) so the birthday person didnt get to hear any of it when his/her cake was brought out to him/her. indeed, the song got played out for me instead. haha. 

yes i had a great birthday so far since the celebrations started. 

here's a summary of what happened so far-

key highlight: i OD-ed on tiramisu. the coffee liquor and cream in those things are near lethal!
finding a nice dress that is not too revealing is so very tough! it takes hard work and commitment to not compromise! 
went to restaurants with great waiters and waitresses. 
eat and eat.
slept alot
spent half day with God
got overwhelmed by His love and blessings. 
touched by the MANY MANY got b'day greetings from many many people.

am pretty booked up till b4 i leave for staff summit. it's an impossible task to rest or lose weight during this period!

b'day celebrations will continue till i m ready to give way to Christmas preparations. HAHA. 
see what i mean when i blogged about self-absorption during birthdays? sigh...
----

"RESOLVED, NEVER TO DO ANYTHING WHICH I WOULD BE AFRAID TO DO IF IT WERE THE LAST HOUR OF MY LIFE" - Jonathan Edwards

----

sometimes we get so caught up with the task of evangelisation that we failed to love the person into the kingdom. while setting faith goals, timelines, getting commitment, strategies, dividing up the job...be careful not to dehumanise. 

----
what is an axolotl (pronounced ACK-suh-LAH-tuhl) ? 
"water monster" and the "Mexican walking fish," 
has amazing traits, including retaining its larval features throughout its adult life, a phenomenon called neoteny. It lives all its life in the water but can breathe both under water with gills or by taking gulps of air from the surface, and the ability to completely re-grow lost limbs. Axolotls have played key roles in research on regeneration, embryology, fertilization and evolution. 
is near extinction. 

Monday, November 03, 2008

evan is overwhelmed by love - God's and her family and friends. 

it's amazing. thank you all of you!! thank you for loving me.


Friday, October 31, 2008

yesh... the celebrations have officially started on wed when the students surprised me by singing a birthday song after LM and gave me a slice of raspberry cheese cake...(or was it blueberry? LOL) my best friend (with grin on face) came over and say, "you dont like right? can i have it?" was surprised she actually knows i dont like berries. n yesh we decided that spinellis cakes are not as nice as other coffee joints.

was actually caught unaware of wat i wanted... couldnt tell when asked. had to think abt it on the way back on mrt...
n now that i think i have a slightly better idea... i think they've gone n bought the pressies already.

anyway, i find birthdays can be such a self-centred time... haha... yesh me saying it. friends of antiquity would tell ya that i ve been blessed with profuse celebrations all thru the years and mostly cos i perpetuated it. demanded it. wished it. i would pout and sulk and declare one not a friend if any dare to make less of THE birthday, much less forget. a friend who cannot even remember her parents' , boyfriend's birthdays can religiously remember mine. so yeah, i used to, and think still do, take my birthday WAY too seriously... m trying to 'unserious-ify' it over these past years... but havent reach total oblivion to my hatchday just yet. 

so, i ve decided to find a cave and hide on my birthday and find God. not go to work and wonder, expect myself to be lavished upon. will crawl out to have dinner with family at a "restaurant" under a hdb block.
so there you have it, my official statement of how i'll be spending my birthday. so dun need to ask liao. haha

it's times such as my birthdays that i painfully realise how much i adore myself, and allow myself to be adored. way too much for the good of my ego. i love myself, worship myself more than i should God. 

john 3:30. i need to be unEVANful. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

it s only by grace i m sustained thus far... n grace will led me home. 

the earth shall soon dissolve like snow
the sun forbear to shine
the Lord who's called me here below 
will be forever mine

Saturday, October 18, 2008

"help us eradicate poverty" an email heading read. this is a noble cause. i was thinking aloud that if the millions that go into US presidential election campaign can just go the the 3rd world, we can do alot to eradicate poverty, improve healthcare, work on developing alternative fuel even in the US. 
having said that however, know that "the poor u'll always have with you." (matt 26:11, mk 14:7). there are more real causes to put ur attention to. why try to save the body when you really need to save the soul?

----
i dun like dim sum. pls note. 
----

what you can do about wall street. check out
http://www.ccci.org/ministries/priority-associates/pray-for-wall-street.aspx



Thursday, October 16, 2008

m i a workaholic? i wonder... 
slept less than 3 hours yesterday, having juz reached home, still in my working clothes, i turned on my laptop, read the news headlines n now checking my work mail. 
was abt to wonder who'd reply or send mails to me this late anyway, the last i checked my inbox was ard 8pm, and while stimulating some evangelism scenario... well well mail fr philippines n korea! haha. *types away*
yes i think i m a workaholic. i enjoy my work and i live for ministry. 
hmmm.... is this bad? yes if it takes the place of God in my life and leave Him standing by the sidelines, that my quiet time with Him suffers, my prayers and my meditation of Him dwindle.

ok u noe wat i gotta do now...since i've also replied my new mails. in mere minutes since i started typing this entry.... i sometimes scare myself at how fast i can work... n well, sometimes my speed can be superseded even by the snail... 

today (or rather yesterday) was pretty good. =) m thankful. 

oh oh, b4 i go off must note this down. today ter found me a "beloved". lol.

Monday, October 13, 2008

got this in the email again. dunno where to kip so thot i'd post it up...

 It is about a mission doctor serving in Africa: 
 
  One night, I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (there was no electricity to run an incubator) nor any special feeding facilities.
    Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and thecotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle.
    She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it was our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed.
    As in the West, it is no use crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa, it might be considered no use crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drug stores down forest pathways.
    "All right," I said. "Put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."
    The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could easily die if it got the chills. I also told them about the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.
    During the prayer time, one 10-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."
    While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know that You really love her?"
    As often with children's prayers, I was put n the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen"? I just did not believe that Good could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so.. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at the time, and I had never ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!
    Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the packaging strings, carefully undoing each knot.
    We unfolded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some 40 pairs of eys were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.
    Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the... could it really be? I grasped it eagerly and pulled it out. Yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle!
    I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"
    Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully- dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked, "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"
    That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before - in answer to the believing prayer of a 10-year-old to bring it "that afternoon".

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Have you ever picked up a book and upon reading it realized that it speaks exactly to you, answers that every question you are asking at that time in your life? Well, last night I picked out a book for my bro’s friend and this morning, I started reading my pick… n the very 1st question was the question I asked God in tears the very night before. how uncanny…. 


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Blaise Pascal's Memorial was inscribed under a cross on a scrap of paper, which records Pascal's experience on one unforgettable night in 1654, was found in the lining of his coat after his death, for he carried this reminder about with him always.

French/Latin original

+

L'an de grâce 1654,

Lundi, 23 novembre, jour de saint Clément, pape et martyr, et autres au martyrologe.
Veille de saint Chrysogone, martyr, et autres,
Depuis environ dix heures et demie du soir jusques environ minuit et demi,

FEU.

« DIEU d'Abraham, DIEU d'Isaac, DIEU de Jacob »
non des philosophes et des savants.
Certitude. Certitude. Sentiment. Joie. Paix.
DIEU de Jésus-Christ.
Deum meum et Deum vestrum.
« Ton DIEU sera mon Dieu. »
Oubli du monde et de tout, hormis DIEU.
Il ne se trouve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile.
Grandeur de l'âme humaine.
« Père juste, le monde ne t'a point connu, mais je t'ai connu. »
Joie, joie, joie, pleurs de joie.
Je m'en suis séparé:
Dereliquerunt me fontem aquae vivae.
« Mon Dieu, me quitterez-vous ? »
Que je n'en sois pas séparé éternellement.
« Cette est la vie éternelle, qu'ils te connaissent seul vrai Dieu, et celui que tu as envoyé, Jésus-Christ. »
Jésus-Christ.
Jésus-Christ.
Je m'en suis séparé; je l'ai fui, renoncé, crucifié.
Que je n'en sois jamais séparé.
Il ne se conserve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile:
Renonciation totale et douce.
Soumission totale à Jésus-Christ et à mon directeur.
Éternellement en joie pour un jour d'exercice sur la terre.
Non obliviscar sermones tuos. Amen.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

The year of grace 1654,

Monday, 23 November, feast of St. Clement, pope and martyr, and others in the martyrology.
Vigil of St. Chrysogonus, martyr, and others.
From about half past ten at night until about half past midnight,

FIRE.

GOD of Abraham, GOD of Isaac, GOD of Jacob
not of the philosophers and of the learned.
Certitude. Certitude. Feeling. Joy. Peace.
GOD of Jesus Christ.
My God and your God.
Your GOD will be my God.
Forgetfulness of the world and of everything, except GOD.
He is only found by the ways taught in the Gospel.
Grandeur of the human soul.
Righteous Father, the world has not known you, but I have known you.
Joy, joy, joy, tears of joy.
I have departed from him:
They have forsaken me, the fount of living water.
My God, will you leave me?
Let me not be separated from him forever.
This is eternal life, that they know you, the one true God, and the one that you sent, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I left him; I fled him, renounced, crucified.
Let me never be separated from him.
He is only kept securely by the ways taught in the Gospel:
Renunciation, total and sweet.
Complete submission to Jesus Christ and to my director.
Eternally in joy for a day's exercise on the earth.
May I not forget your words. Amen.


Monday, October 06, 2008

TRYING
i m trying to work on applying self-control and discipline in more areas in my life.
i'm trying to not let God slip from my mind. to let Him occupy my mind more than anything else.

Monday, September 29, 2008



could i written and sung by Kim McMechan (Vineyard Songs 2001) 
"Fall on me" Women in Worship *Live

Could i just sit here a while
know that there's nothing that i need to say
safe in the knowledge that You know my ways
Love me completely, no need to hide a thing

Could i just stay here awhile
Letting You melt away all of my fears
I feel Your comfort when You are so near
I'll hide myself in this shelter You've made for me

Could i, could i

Could i just kneel here a while
Doing what i was created to do
Bowing in reverence, i long to adore You
willingly giving all that i can surrender

Could i just rest here a while
Letting You whisper my burdens away
in all my journeys there's no other place
where i find refuge, strength for my weary heart

could i, could i

oh, Could i just let You wipe my burdens
Could i let You whisper my tears away
could i just let You wipe my burdens away

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Jehovah (Yahweh or Lord) The Self-Existent one (Ex 3:14,15)
Jehovah-Elohim  The Lord God, Creator-Redeemer (Gen 2:4)
Jehovah-Jireh The Lord will provide (Gen 22:14)
Jehovah-Rapha The Lord that heals (Ex 15:26)
Jehovah-Nissi The Lord my banner (Ex 17:15)
Jehovah-Kanna The Lord who is jealous (Ex 20:5)
Jehovah-Mekaddeskum The Lord who sanctifies (Ex 13:13)
Jehovah-Shalom The Lord is our peace (Judges 6:24)
Jehovah-Shaphat  The Lord is our judge (Judges 11:27)
Jehovah-Saboath The Lord of Hosts (1 Sam 1:3)
Jehovah-Elyon The Lord most high (Ps 7:17)
Jehovah-Roi The Lord my shepherd (Ps 23:1)
Jehovah-Hosenu The Lord our maker (Ps 95:6)
Jehovah-Gibbor The Lord is mighty (Is 42:13)
Jehovah-Tsidkenu The Lord our righteousness (Jer 23:6)
Jehovah-Shammah The Lord is there or everpresent (Ez 48:35)
Jehovah-Jehoshua-Christos Jehovah's Saviour Anointed (Matt 1:21)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Jesus loves me this I know
Phra ye Su Rak Chan runn Nea,
Phra kam pii mii sarn wai tea
Mea tua chan nan on yon yang
Tea phra Christ son rit khem kheang

Phra Ye su en duu rak chan
Sin phra chon pur perd sa-wan
Doei yom tai bon mai kang ken
Chuie dek tang lai pon bap wen

Phra Ye Su rak Chan nak naa
Pen dang nan tuk wan wa la
Chan phuie long phra one lea hen
Sa det ma ra sa chau yen

Phra ye su rak chan yuu klai
Mi ting khwang ni tang dai dai
Chan ja rak jon tung wan nan
Phra ong ma pa pai sa wan

chorus:
Phra Ye su Rak Chan, Phra Ye Su rak chan
Phra Kam pii sung sorn,
Jung ruu dan nan nea non


God is so good
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Song ean dee taw chan

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

it's a surprise but Rocky Master is becoming my fav hang-out n min place. it doesnt play music, there's hardly any business so i can have my meetings n bible studies in a quiet environment!

i need 2 not let God slip from my mind. =)

well, i m busier than i had thought. now i m doing "2 jobs" at least. due to structural and organisation glitch if i can put it dat way. boss and team are very nice about it and have been asking how to lighten my work. may God grant us wisdom to know how to.

during today's prayer meeting. oh after typing dat sentence, i realised i have had few prayer meetings today! ok the med one. God is moving in certain areas pretty clearly. evangelism. He has burdened the MMReps for it. i need to know how to work alongside God on this. need 2 really seek Him for tactical plans.

i need to rest. =)

Friday, September 19, 2008

how did the goal of entertaining come to play such a big role in the christian world when it is not even found in the Bible????
in our bid to follow Jesus, are we sure that our actions show that we are modeling after Him or the world's?

Did Jesus try to entertain people to keep his popularity ratings up? did He use humour to engage people?
did He try to be funny? throw in a joke to spice things up, to keep his audience hooked? did he strive to be known as a funny, cool person?

why do we find ourselves trying so hard to keep the congregation entertained? instead of giving them the truth of the WORD and rely on the conviction of the Holy Spirit to draw them and keep them coming?

Entertainment is such a lousy substitute for joy and meaning. it's giving a bored generation what the world is actually better than us at giving. but what the world cannot give, are we going to give?

Peter Simon answered, "to whom shall we go? For You have the words of eternal life." John 6:6

Friday, September 12, 2008

i juz stumbled upon dictionary.com's word of the day. n it is:
evanescent
ev-uh-NES-unt, adjective,Liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting.

haha. wat a reminder. so many things in my life are fleeting. why am i so caught up with them?
there are those that are eternal, that are worth my while to take time for them. why am i so unwilling to do so?


God has, through the women's retreat, shown me His love and the love of His body. it was such a refreshing time. we so often know... but we dont really KNOW.

God is calling me back to WORSHIP. to reckless, self-abandoning worship of HIM who is the lover of my soul.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

we are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies? - Edward Young

you cant have the liver wanting to be and doing the work of the gall bladder.
in the body of Christ, if organisation loses sight of what's God's purpose for it, it begins to copy another. God has called each having its own distinctives. you cant have piracy in the kingdom of God. you'll miss fulfilling your call and you rob another of his. in God's kingdom, we are all complements, not competition. those who do not reap together scatters.

Friday, August 15, 2008

spore table tennis goes into finals FINALLY! was a very good match against the south koreans. feng tianwei saved the day
we ll have to wait till 17 aug for the finals. let s hope for a gold for spore. it s been a long wait. put spore on the medal tables darlings!

was a good off-n-lieu for me. rest, pack table. enjoyed my own company. still got lots. would ve been better if they werent burning the joss papers. had to close all the windows so it felt as if i was also playing a game cos i seemed to be perspiring more than li jai wei. haha.

still coughing. maybe i ll go buy more lozenges. the burning doesnt help. i m v v sensitive. sigh.

postponed my date with the dentist. maybe tmr?? still have phobia even tho i ve been working with them for so many years. it's the thing abt pain and the chair... scary stuff. haha.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

can u believe that i actually get carsick when i travel in buses or cabs even if it is a short distance?!!

sitting in coffeebean
pondering about life
intermittently breaking into prayer,
half-dizzy half-brained
nearly desperate, nearly lost
almost recovering almost gone

*disclaimer* this is not a pathetic attempt at poetry. it's juz me typing what is my state right now.
i think i m a proud and arrogant person. sigh...
i m disappointed at my proud arrogant thoughts, attitudes, actions.
how difficult it is to love and to be kind, to extend grace, to be patient.
O Lord, how hard it is to humble oneself. Help me Lord.
what's more difficult is how not to exalt oneself but to remain contrite. Help me Lord.
what a wretched person i m.



so many people are asking me whether You have spoken to me about a career change. like some cyclical thing, i get bugged by numerous job offers and people asking me have i heard from God, has He asked me to move on, what are my plans, how long will i stay in...etc. well, here's my public statement: i havent heard from God about any change in ministry/work. if you think you've heard on my behalf, please do let me know.

Monday, August 04, 2008

We have a God who delights in impossibilities." by Billy Sunday.

quick recap of days passed: (notes for self)

felt "they put burdens on people they themselves refuse to help lift". so wanted 2 quit (24 july)
next day felt uplifted by God. and renewed strength 2 do all the impossible tasks (25 july)
felt next time give a better answer to "how r u doing?" rather than "will be better" or "good" etc. eg"i am finding hard to find rest or keep my sabbath." put into words the struggle of my heart as much as possible. to help yourself and others. (KH asks)
if its ur project/idea, see thru it yourself. dun allow it 2 b sub out. (OIC vids)
lost voice for 4 days. couldnt do OIC presentation, couldnt lead worship today. now coughing like crazy.
the same day i lost my voice, i also fell down n sprained my ankle.
lesson learnt -
God ll vindicate. do your job. if it's not but heaped onto you, watch. God ll vindicate.
my immobility brought new insights into how i could ve caused my own needless energy loss n lack of rest.
i dun think much n juz do if i can do. but my sprained ankle caused me to consider the necessity of a particular action. n hence there's alot i decided not to do. if i was mobile, i wouldnt even have sat myself down to think. then perhaps there's much more on my plate that i dont need 2 do. hmmm...

now starting a brand new week. gave up BSF. or rather finally got kicked out. 3 consec weeks of absence.

focus.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

yesterday was my off in lieu. i didnt realise how exhausted i was until i woke up at 5.30PM!! yesh! 5.30pm! i slept more than 15 hours! had planned to have a day of silence and solitude but God and my body conspired against me to have silence n inactivity of another kind. woke up feeling refreshed like i never felt in a long time.

i realised i ve carried around a huge load of guilt and disappointments generated from high standards for self, for ministry for everything. further meditation and reflection got me back to Heb 12:1-2, my freshmen camp's theme. "lay aside every weight..." so that can run properly ah...

need 2 better draw margins... say "NO" so that i can better say my "YES"

working 12 hour days again... need to pace. too crazy b4 sch start. cant imagine how when matric happens!

now, inbetween meetings. went 2 NTUC n did my grocery shopping cos these weeks i end after shop closes. so now i'm a cross between aunty and cosmopolitan white collar wage-earner in BK with bags of groceries beside me, typing furiously away on my macbook n shoving lunch into my mouth...

fix your eyes on Christ, the author and perfector of your faith..........

Monday, July 21, 2008

"Do you seek any further reward beyond that of having pleased God? In truth, you know not how great a good it is to please Him." by John Chrysostom (347-407 a.d.)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C.S. Lewis

Saturday, July 12, 2008

we've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
we've added years to life, not life to years.
we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
we pane more, but accomplish less.
we've learned to rush, but not to wait.
these are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies.
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
it is a time when there is much in the show window
and nothing in the stockroom.
- unknown

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

if the work you are doing obscures your sense of God, pause.
work not out of fear, worry, stress.
work out of faith, a sense of anticipation of what God will do.
fix your eyes on Jesus.
cant see Him? move to get a better view.

Monday, June 30, 2008

some1 challenged me on something dat i wanted n believed, yet my actions dun really reflect that.

i want people, on hearing a message that i deliver, say, "what a great God!" and not "what a good speaker!"
not technics, not theatrics, not training...
but power, but abiding, but presence of God. so it's about walking close to God.
not work on your tone, your eye contact, your powerpoint presentations etc. you work on knowing the word of God.

if u are running a spiritual race, you dont train in human methods.

i must watch what i put my focus on.

i must relearn to consider rubbish as rubbish.
philippians 3

Saturday, June 28, 2008

will b working thru the weekends again. sat n sun retreat. last weekend was games dry run in NUS. next week will be "D" weekend b4 "D" camp! yikes! will have 2 pace myself properly. it s gonna b crazy.
i cant believe how much work i gotta do with more n more "mini" projects coming my way. but wat is amazing is dat i m feeling better abt it.... like a runner warming up to his race in the 5th, 6th km where he ups the tempo. ok steady now, evan...

run the race with perseverance, fixing your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

i got my dream band for worship tmr! and we had such a fun time jamming today. they are so good! every single instrumentalist, backup vocalist! my dream band! haha.

God will U come and be enthroned in the praises of Your saints? come Lord, come.

Testify to Love - Avalon


Testify to Love - Wynona Judd in Touched by an angel (psalm 151)


oh i have to keep blogging vids! a Wynona judd's version of one of my fav songs! except the music is 1.something secs faster than the visual. sigh... this contains her testimony too.



blogged the mercy me i can only imagine MV b4 so i shant put it here again.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

busy n stressed out right now. so if u r reading this, juz say a prayer for me ok? 

Friday, June 13, 2008

mon, i got a new baby! a white electric guit! n an accompanying blackie - an amplifier. at 1st i was worried abt my buy - that i should ve gotten d other way cheaper one blah blah... but wen i got home n looked at it again, those worries melted away. i made a right choice. a way better guit n amp. u noe, these things seem 2 have a personality, a soul, a life of it's own, n of course, its own voice. buying a guit is a very personal thingy. u gotta connect. n yesh, at home, connected we did. hee hee. it has a great feel, a good tremble sound to it.  N i look good with it! haha. so in everyway, we connected. juz hope i can play it to its best.

i had a guit connection gone wrong b4. yeep gave me an acoustic which was better than wat i had, but i juz didnt click with it. so didnt really pract or sound good on it. i kept going back to my own (d one i had blogged abt dec ago.) so i ve decided to return it to yeep, n rely on the blackie tin helped me buy fr thailand. i hope this blackie wont feel neglected by me tho. i ve been spending time with whitey so far!

m hoping to change the look of this blog for 4eva! but sorry somehow i m not getting to it yet. oh well... juz bear with it longer eh?

i ve been feelin rather scattered this whole week. like i m missing something hence cant function properly. juz cant engage my gears to go into overdrive. i need 2. lots of deadlines comin up. FOC prog, games write-ups, emails, IES OIC storyboard n ppt. 

ok. i noe wat i gotta do now. i d betta spend some time now doing QT. writing this so i d hold myself to it instead of launching back into work. yep. tata for now.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The way we talk about sin betrays our ignorance of the absolute devastation of the sin. - Paul Washer

The way we live our lives/do ministry betrays our ignorance of the God we profess to truly follow. 

Monday, June 02, 2008

i ran my 1st ever marathon! sundown marathon. a misnomer if u ask me. should b called sunrise cos we started off at 11.59pm on 31st may n effectively run till the sun's nearly up. or in my case, when the sun comes up!

was a gr8 run. b4 this i was concerned abt my health cos i had a bad bout of bronchitis which didnt clear for weeks. had residual stuff that worried me abt whether i was fit for the marathon. had a little heart attack scare which my dr put me thru ECG n x-ray. both results being normal, did away with the stress ECG test, n upped my meds. that did helped n he concluded dat he should ve done it earlier so i wouldnt have such a long drawn thingy with the lung infection. so yeah, by the time the run came along, i havent trained and was still a tad worried abt my heart. committed it to God and asked Him if i should run, n if i shouldnt, asked Him to juz stop my stupidity. anywayz, i had peace, n my health was fine. had a gr8 run. i was in pretty good shape. n surprisingly so since i hadnt trained.

then met my fren at ard 19k who said she couldnt go on.she busted her hips n knees said she was v v tired n couldnt go on. i stopped n walked with her. tot since the route was bringing us out of ECP to siglap, kembangan etc, i could walk her till she reaches the road to get a cab. then of course, encouraged her to go on. esp so after she said "hey u r supposed to scold me n tell me not to give up!" so yeah. we walked the rest of the 23k!

pp tell me it is very excruciating not training well to walk in a marathon. i fully agree! walking 23k was no joke! it took SOOOOOOO long! wat could be a 3 hr run become a 6-hour walk. 

PS grimaced in pain every step of the way. after the run we joked n laughed abt it n she said "oh no! u saw my ugly side!" i didnt. wat i saw was her strength. walking 23k, 6 hours in pain is no mean feat. she could ve quit. hailed a cab or took the bus (since we were v much along the roads after the 19k). i wouldnt n couldnt have tahan so long. 

aside fr dat, we had a gr8 time catching up. lots had happened since we last met (3 weeks ago) n tears ran down her cheeks as she recounted the various ridiculous incidents. we turned out walk into a prayer walk at tampines ave 10. then when we were at ave 9 the sky lit up with lightning. b4 long, it poured. we were soaked to the bone. took the opportunity to go to toilet at petrol station as we wait out the downpour. when we finally got out,the rain become a drizzle so we cont walking, our shoes n socks squeshing out water as we went along. 

of course i was in pain after the marathon. but surprisingly, i recovered faster than last dec when i ran half marathon. today d pain is gone. no knee or ligament prob. 

that's y i love to run long dist. reminds me dat life/ministry is not a sprint. it is not a 100m event. u need to last, to persevere, to pace yourself. the run lasts longer than an adrenaline rush. u go thru energy ebbs. fatigue sets in, doubt too. dont rain on my parade? well this time it did. i started running when i was in med min. when i was alone in min. then i realised i needed to learn how to go the distance for God, with pp. 

some lessons i learnt on this marathon:
1. heb 12:1-2. the theme for the camp i m organising. ECP was crowded with campers, teenage "ton-ers", cyclists, pp fishing... sometimes, pp come out fr their tents n shelters as we round close to them and they cheered and clapped. i was touched n reminded of "since we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses..." i wondered abt the true cloud of witnesses who are cheering us on as we run this christian race. dat this knowledge of being cheered on should encourage me 2 run on, 2 run well.i thought about the sin and hindrances. and of course, perseverance. Jesus, for the joy b4 Him endured the cross. i had thought the joy was the medal n the tee. but after getting them, i came 2 admit dat they were but shows of pride. they didnt thrill as much as the thought of getting them did. my true joy was not in them. it was in crossing e finishing line, knowing dat i did the whole distance and did it well. (well not in timing but in attitude and character) and despite me walking to it instead of sprinting to it in past races, the joy was far greater at this one than the rest.

2. a filippino stood by a cardboard as she looked out for her fren. the board blasted, "JO FULFILL YOUR DREAM!" Running a marathon b4 i m 30 is my dream n i was fulfilling it by a margin. but this is a small dream, a by-dream if there's one. i tot abt my dream. THE dream. i tot abt THE dream of those i love. i teared.

3. i rediscovered myself. i like myself again. it's been sometime actually. these past months God was doing a good work tearing "me" down. n now building me up. thru this run, i liked who i was, or maybe who i've become. i liked wat i valued and how i acted. i had thot dat i became this goal-oriented, results-focused person. but He showed me, no. He showed me i was less "self" than i tot. that i do love pp, the process, the journey. i like me! haha. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

hero. love this song. (if u ve been watching this blog for a long time u'd know i ve put up this song many times!) blind basker at simei mrt was singing it so beautifully. 
i can be your hero, baby
i can kiss away the pain
i will stand by you forever
you can take my breath away

non-heros need not apply.
FP - Wednesday, May 28
LONDON (AFP) - - Aid workers and peacekeepers are sexually abusing young children in war zones and disaster zones but their actions are largely going unpunished, a British charity said Tuesday.

"Children as young as six are trading sex with aid workers and peacekeepers in exchange for food, money, soap and, in very few cases, luxury items such as mobile phones," Save the Children said in a report.

It also highlighted instances of rape, verbal sexual abuse, child pornography and prostitution and trafficking of youngsters, many of whom are poor, displaced or orphaned by conflict.

The group said the scale of abuse was "significant". Its findings were based on work with hundreds of youngsters from Ivory Coast, southern Sudan and Haiti, said the charity's chief executive Jasmine Whitbread.

"This research exposes the despicable actions of a small number of perpetrators who are sexually abusing some of the most vulnerable children in the world, the very children they are meant to protect," she added.

"It is hard to imagine a more grotesque abuse of authority or flagrant violation of children's rights."
The charity said "endemic failures" in responding to the abuse that was officially reported were letting down the abused, and better reporting mechanisms should be introduced.

Fear of aid and assistance being withdrawn, being stigmatised by the local community, fear of reprisals, lack of faith in the response or simply ignorance about how to report abuse were also major factors, it added.

Whitbread said the United Nations, the wider world as well as humanitarian and aid agencies have made important commitments to tackle the problem in recent years.

But most had failed to turn their promises into action, she added, calling for all agencies working in emergencies, including her own, to "own up to the fact that they are vulnerable to this problem and tackle it head on".

The UN Department for Peacekeeping Operations was said to be the group most likely to be responsible for abuse. Save the Children said there had been 15 claims against its staff and partners last year, of which three were upheld.

UNPKO spokesman Nick Birnback said it was "entirely unacceptable" that those sent to help the most vulnerable are instead causing grievous harm.

"Clearly a lot more has to be done," he told BBC radio but he rejected allegations that the problem was widespread and those responsible were getting away with it.

"The vast majority of UN peacekeepers all over the world, of which we have over 100,000 now, serve with honour and courage in very difficult situations and don't engage in this unacceptable behaviour," he added.

The reputation of UN peacekeepers has been tarnished in the past by cases of sexual abuse against women, notably in Democratic Republic of Congo, Ivory Coast and Haiti.

In November last year, the UN said that more than 100 Sri Lankan soldiers were to be sent home over charges that they paid for sex while stationed in Haiti.

After turning a blind eye for decades to cases of abuse by its peacekeepers -- the world body recommended in 2005 that erring soldiers be punished, their salaries frozen and a fund set up to help any women or girls made pregnant.

The "zero tolerance" policy towards sexual misconduct includes a "non-fraternisation" rule barring them from sex with locals.

It was brought in after revelations in December 2004 that peacekeepers in DRC were involved in the sexual abuse of 13-year-old girls in exchange for eggs, milk or cash sums as low as one dollar.

YOU GIVE PEACE A BAD NAME

Sunday, May 18, 2008



gonna live my life, like everyday's the last...
for no reason why, i cant cry hard enough...
the truth does not alter with your inability to believe

the barrier between your life now and the life you've always wanted is YOU. 

the power to change does not come from you. 

there is no such thing as a self-made man. just because he is successful in his work, probably made more phenomenal by a rags to riches story, doesnt mean he made himself. what he did succeed in making is merely a name for himself. which, he probably likes more than the one given to him at birth. or maybe not. can u imagine calling a tiger, with 100% successful hunts/kills, a self-made tiger? i think "self-made man" is the most used, most delusive paradox. dun get it? think self created creature.




Friday, May 02, 2008

Bernard of Clairvaux(1091- 1153), Sermons on the Song of Songs:
We must not give to other what we have received for ourselves; nor must we keep for ourselves that which we have received to spend on others… You dissipate and lse what is your own, if without right intention and form some wrong motive, you hasten to outpour yourself on others when your own soul is only half-filled.

If you are wise therefore you will show yourself reservoir and not a canal. For a canal pours out as fast as it takes in; but a reservoir waits till it is full before it overflows, and so communicates its surplus… we have all too few such reservoirs in the Church at present, though we have canals in plenty… they [canals] desire to pour out when they themselves are not yet impoured; they are readier to speak than to listen, eager to teach that which they do not know, and most anxious to exercise authority on others, although they have not learnt to rule themselves… let the reservoir of which we spoke just now take pattern from the spring; for the spring does not form a stream or spread into a lake unti it is brimful… be filed thyself; then, but discreetly, mind, pour thy fullness out of thy fullness help me if thou canst; and if not, spare thyself.

Ole Hallesby(1879- 1961), Prayer:
Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only he who is helpless can truly pray.

Listen to this, you who are often so helpless that you do not know what to do. At times you do not even know how to pray. Your mind seems full of sin and impurity. Your mind is preoccupied with what the Bible calls the world. God and eternal and holy things seems so distant and foreign to you that you feel that you add sin to sin be desiring to approach God in such a state of mind. Now and then you must ask yourself the question, “Do I really desire to be set free from the lukewarmness of my heart and worldly life? Is not my Christian life always lukewarm and half-hearted for the simple reason that deep down in my heart I desire it that way?

Thus an honest soul struggles against the dishonesty of his own being. He feels himself so helplessly lost that his prayers freeze on his very lips.
Listen, my friend! Your helplessness is your best prayer. It calls from your heart to the heart of God with greater effect than all your uttered pleas. He hears it from the very moment that you are seized with helplessness, and He becomes actively engaged at once in hearing and answering the prayer of your helplessness.

Marva Dawn, The Sense of the Call:
If we lack prayerfulness, then the solution is not to hammer ourselves with guilt that we are so bad at it, but to engage in practices that help us know God. We receive grace best by watching it descend from God rather than focusing on our reception of it. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Austria. woman kept hostage by her father for 24 years! click this for the CNN report of the article below

AMSTETTEN, Austria (CNN) -- Police in Austria have confirmed that three children freed from a cellar in which their mother had been imprisoned and raped by her own father for 24 years had never seen daylight.

Austrian police spokesman Franz Polzer told CNN that the 73-year-old man, known as Mr. F., admitted holding his daughter, Elisabeth F., 42, hostage in the windowless cell and fathering seven children by her.

"The mother had memories [of the outside world] and got used to the situation," Polzer told a press conference Monday afternoon. "The others knew nothing else."

Elisabeth F. told police that she and her three children Kerstin, 19; Stefan, 18; and Felix, 5, did not see the light of day during their entire time in captivity underneath the building in Amstetten, a rural town about 150 km (93 miles) west of Vienna.

Elisabeth F. is described as "very disturbed" and having trouble talking to police about her ordeal, reports CNN correspondent Fred Pleitgen. She went missing in 1984, when she was 18 years old, police have said. Watch police describe House of Horror investigation. »

More details also emerged at the news conference about the basement dungeon in which the daughter and her children were kept -- and how her father managed to keep them captive for more than two decades.

The authorities have revealed that the prison, constructed in the basement of the 1960s building, ran underneath both the building itself and the garden outside.

The entrance was via a small door, hidden behind cupboards in the basement, controlled by an electronic keyless-entry system. Polzer said that the prison was hard to find, even if someone was looking for it, and had been soundproofed.

"Even though they shouted and called they were not in a position to let anyone hear them," Polzer told the press conference.

Polzer said that the father made clear to his wife and other children that the area was out of bounds and they were not to go into the basement. He bought food and took it to his captives in the evening.

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Detectives made the grim discovery about the cellar earlier this month after Kerstin was hospitalized in Amstetten after falling unconscious and taken to a hospital in Amstetten by her grandfather with a SOS note from her mother hidden on her.

A DNA test was later carried out which revealed her grandfather, Mr. F., was also her father, according to ORF, Austria's state-run news agency.

That sparked a police investigation, which revealed that Mr. F. fathered at least six children with his daughter, forcing her and three of the surviving children to live in the cellar of his house, according to ORF's Peter Schmitzberger.

On Sunday, police searched the hidden rooms where Mr. F. admitted he kept his daughter and their children, including sleeping quarters, a kitchen and a bathroom, which Mr. F. told police he built, Polzer said.

Amstetten police say they were put on Mr. F.'s trail following an anonymous tip off. They apprehended the pair on Saturday near the hospital and once police assured the daughter that she would never have contact with her father again, "she was able to tell the whole story," Schmitzberger said.

Elisabeth F. said her father began sexually abusing her at age 11. On August 8, 1984 -- weeks before she was reported missing -- her father enticed her into the basement, where he drugged her, put her in handcuffs and locked her in a room, she told police.

For the next 24 years, she was constantly raped by her father, resulting in the six surviving children, she said, according to the police statement.

She also told police she gave birth to twins in 1996, but one of the babies died a few days later as a result of neglect, and Mr. F. removed the infant's body and burned it in an oven.

She told police that only her father supplied her and her children with food and clothing, and that she did not think his wife knew anything about their situation

Mr. F. lived upstairs with his wife, Rosemarie F., who police said had no idea about her husband's other family living in the cellar. The couple adopted three of the children that Mr. F. had with his daughter, according to police. He told his wife that his missing daughter had dropped the unwanted children off at the house because she could not take care of them, police said.

When Kerstin fell ill, Mr. F. apparently told his wife and the hospital that his "missing" daughter had dropped off the sick girl on his doorstep.

In an effort to find out about Kerstin's condition, the hospital asked the media to put out a bulletin requesting any information about the girl or her missing mother, attorney general Gerhard Sedlacek told NTV.

Sometime later, Mr. F. brought Elisabeth F. out of the cellar, telling his wife that she had returned home with her two children after a 24-year absence, police said.

He took Elisabeth F. to the hospital to talk with doctors about Kerstin's condition, and at that point, authorities became aware of her situation, Sedlacek said.

more on it:
click on this for news coverage of the same shocking crime on asia one

pray for them. pray for the team of psychologists helping the victims. pray for salvation, healing. for everyone including the dad. pray for many others who are in such abuse!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?" - Corrie Ten Boom

my med students see death during their studies in the hospital n i quote one of them here "the tragedy is not in the death but in the life." sometimes we think it is sad when some1 dies. dun get me wrong, it is indeed sad. but sometimes, the life that was lived was a sadder tale than how death came upon the person. how do you live?
Jesus said, "i came that they may have life and have it to the full. " John 10:10 how do you live life and live it to the full? do you know Him who claimed "I m the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6)"?

(blogged the above on 21 april but didnt published it)
---

my fren's mum passed away suddenly. severe stroke in the day then passed on in the night. she was younger than my mum. i was a little shakened. fren was having her 2nd baby due in 2 weeks' time n she is in a terrible state now. wanted to go n be there for her. but finding myself too tired n dry right now to offer her anything.

came back from a team retreat on fri. most of us went into it kicking n screaming. well, not literally. but nearly. but all of us agreed it was a good time of fellowship. did work a little. not too much to cause us to feel repulsed. for me, i havent laughed so much in a long time. i missed laughing. some of u might be surprised cos i do laugh v easily n heartily. well, yeah. where did all the mirth go?

the working part of the retreat made me question so much. n i asked more questions than we manage to find answers for. there were so much uncertainty n hesitation from me n SW. we r still v raw from a v draining acad year. the late night talks with her were so good. i didnt realise how fearful n tired we ve gotten. still reeling from last year.

the workshops n team birkman were good. still trying to find my footing in the new team n coming new year. new role, new team. so much apprehension, so much past baggage. so much fear n hurt. gotta trust God to help us heal n move on in His strength.

came back v tired. planned to get back to office to get some accounts n IT things done. but was SO beat. slept from 11-3pm. then struggled to go out. came home n immediately slept from 11pm last night-12.30pm today! so darn tired! can u believe it?

hoping right now that today or whatever's left of it can be productive. need to prep the 2nd session of a message which i blew last week. i so desperately need clarity, not juz for the message but for my life.

so many questions, so little time.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

on leave today n d rest of the week.
went down to NUS at 830. bumped in XL n Grace on the train. saved a trip to go n view her wedding day photos. she is the only fren whose wedding i helped out dat didnt get 2 c wat went on! well well...
met the M1s b4 their physio paper. had McGriddles meal for breakfast in eng. was wonderfully surprised by the the maple syrup in the pancake thingys... went down to mass media spent $217.26 on books! i got myself a whole lot of reading 2 do! haha. well, not all for myself. also as gifts 4 others.

somehow i seemed 2 b so famished 4 books after the seemingly slow rate of reading since the beginning of this year due 2 busyness n fatigue. all this l change. i ve finished 4 books since last sat! they're rather easy reads tho. yet, i ve gleaned alot fr them - a sense of gratitude n appreciation for my mum, for those i hold dear, for the everyday small blessings in my life yet BIG in the way they hold me thru the grind of living, a new awe at Creation (Genesis), a tribute to friendship and love. i felt, after my first novel on sat, as if my brain went on a holiday. sometimes when u bring yourself on a hol, your brain doesnt really go on a hol... u know wat i mean? reading is to my brain like a ice-cold drink to my body on a hot day. so darn refreshing!

went for facial after my few hours combing thru bookshelves. was so very tired. came home 2 sleep till american idol. slept thru 5 missed calls n not a few sms-es even tho my hp was right by my ear. tho now it seems my day has turned into night once again. hope i can go back 2 sleep in a few hours' time instead of when the sun is next up.

had a rather fruitful day nonwithstanding. felt it a gr8 timing 2 begin fasting lunch with LB today n finally a renewed sense of purpose n passion came flooding back as i prayed. this i so desperately need cos it's the biggest reason for my tiredness n fatigue. i know of pp who can drift thru life without much thought on purpose, much less on passion. yet for me n some others i know, it's a slow but sure death for us when the 2 "P" words dissipate.

O Lord, come, direct us, renew us. help us 2 pray once again even tho words may fail. we push past our disappointments, our weariness, our questions n press on in to seek You. refresh us dat we may want 2 ask once again, dat we may know again. wipe away the tears, the grime, the cuts n bruises. make us lie down in green pastures, lead us to quiet waters. restore our soul.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

the best proof of Christ's presence in lives is the costly love flowing out of us. - John Sater, staff of CCC, Here's Life inner city



AMERICAN IDOL gives back FINAL 8 actually sang "shout to the Lord"! but instead of starting of with the actual lyrics "My Jesus, My SAviour" they sang "My Shepherd, my Saviour"... but it s "wow!" still! singing a worship song on TV to the world! way 2 go! the show was so clearly christian... mariah carey sang some v christian song too... actually i didnt watch the show. heard fr it fr my gals...checked out youtube... n praised God. ahaha.

Monday, April 14, 2008

time to blog~!
4 the 1st time (dat i can rem), i didnt have the "urge" to blog. i was on this chill pill. juz wanted not to do anything much.
so yeah... finally the said urge came back! dun u juz heave a sigh of relief? hha.yeah... i was in tis weird state right... n i didnt wan to do much n also feeling tired physically (oh m still recovering fr bronchitis. puffing my puffs still. n yes i mean puffs. plural.) so after a long day in a prayer min session n a seminar on sat, started reading A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS. maybe cos i was so tired, i didnt wan 2 pack my table, embark on my to-do list, or hack thru my work... so i decided 2 juz read... n read n read. finished it in a night. a very woeful night i must say. i cried so hard n loud, my bro said it felt as if some1 REALLY passed away. it's such a sad tale! so sad dat i cried the first few minutes i woke up this morning recalling the story. so darn sad la! but i think it s better than kiterunner. i felt kiterunner was a little OTT (over the top)! rescuing sohrab. well, it's like Hosseini is fixated on the number "1000". in kiterunner- "for you a thousand times over!" Hassan to Amir, then at the end of the book, Amir to Sohrab. thousand splendid suns -the title taken from a poem.

This poem was written in the 17th Century by Saib-e-Tabrizi

KABUL
(Translated by Dr. Josephine Davis)
Ah! How beautiful is Kabul encircled by her arid mountains
And Rose, of the trails of thorns she envies
Her gusts of powdered soil, slightly sting my eyes
But I love her, for knowing and loving are born of this same dust

My song exhalts her dazzling tulips
And at the beauty of her trees, I blush
How sparkling the water flows from Pul-I-Bastaan!
May Allah protect such beauty from the evil eye of man!

Khizr chose the path to Kabul in order to reach Paradise
For her mountains brought him close to the delights of heaven
From the fort with sprawling walls, A Dragon of protection
Each stone is there more precious than the treasure of Shayagan

Every street of Kabul is enthralling to the eye
Through the bazaars, caravans of Egypt pass
One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
And the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls

Her laughter of mornings has the gaiety of flowers
Her nights of darkness, the reflections of lustrous hair
Her melodious nightingales, with passion sing their songs
Ardent tunes, as leaves enflamed, cascading from their throats

And I, I sing in the gardens of Jahanara, of Sharbara
And even the trumpets of heaven envy their green pastures



then, it's as if one wasnt enough, i spent sometime today at borders reading FOR ONE MORE DAY by mitch albom. man... i nearly finished it too. so yeah... its on my mind now... n tho i was so cheapskate enuf 2 sit at borders to read, i wanna buy DAT book! i think it is a must read! for all of us mummy-ingrates!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" -- John Keith Falconer

"God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supply" -- Hudson Taylor

"God isn't looking for people of great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him" -- Hudson Taylor

"God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him." -- Hudson Taylor

"The Great Commission1 is not an option to be considered; it is a command to be obeyed" -- Hudson Taylor

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" -- Jim Elliot, missionary martyr who lost his life in the late 1950's trying to reach the Auca Indians of Ecuador

"If Jesus Christ be God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him." -- C.T. Studd

Sunday, March 23, 2008


SACRIFICE - Bob Fitts

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unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a grain, but if it dies, it produces much grain... Jn 12:24

it s v easy to ask a right question with the wrong slant. a theo-centred question can turn to a ego-centric one all too easily.
what happens if ______ no longer exists?
asking the right question is pertinent.
wat kind of leader do we want to have? vs who has God raised up and given the mantle of leadership to?

be careful who you deem to be proud. it tells more of the pride in your heart than that of the other person's.
check your heart.
Guard ur heart above all else for it is the wellspring of life. prov 4:23
Lord grant us Your eyes that we may no longer consider anyone from an earthly perspective. 2 cor 5:16
grant us discernment, that Your shepherds will know their flock and how to care for them well. grant your sheep obedience and humility to follow the path You have set before them.

Sunday, March 16, 2008



Amazing grace (my chains are gone) by Chris Tomlin
i m finding out how true this is.
"my chains r gone, i ve been set free"
the old is gone, the new has come 2 cor 5:17

Saturday, March 15, 2008

XL n CC got married today! yeah!!! was so happy... n of course so very tired!




i want to do all things at once, and do nothing at all.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

this morn, my counter was at 11,222. beautiful number! its kinda special 2 me... d number dat is.

http://downloads.creationontheweb.com/emailnewsletters/67_BeingBlessed_Mar08_INT.html
here's a website that should check out. pass on the info. we should financially and prayer support such documentaries!

something TK said today dat stuck: "i cant let God down cos i am not holding Him up."

i'm free... it's amazing how i've finally come into a deeper sense of freedom. since last thurs. deceived no more.

watched Evan Almighty 2nd time (half the time somewhere else) with sis n mum last night.from the movie:
God says:
"Whatever i do, i do because i love you"
when He gave the mammoth task of building an ark to Evan Baxter, a task sure to get him ridiculed n perhaps out of job. it seems so difficult n almost cruel a joke when the purpose/reason for God's request was still unknown. it's only after the "flood" (breaching of a dam) that God's love and salvation is shown. and also, a wondrous answer to Evan's prayer and goal to "change the world" by calling him to such a task.

God says:
"you build it, i fill it"
what is God's job, what's ur job. He ll do His job. will u?

"sounds like an opportunity"

"Act of Random Kindness" (A.R.K)

Monday, March 10, 2008

cant believe it's been a week already!

sales persons say the darnest things! i was trying to get a dress for XL's wedding. took me 3 days shopping to find the right one!
here's wat they said to me:
"you can get your daughter to look after your bag while u change in here." (...!)
" you so big size it's hard to get the right kind of dress." (when i am actually paying up for the $116 purchase! i cant believe i still signed on it.)
sigh...

m'sia politics! sigh.. makes it me thankful for how our ex-PMs r still on so good terms with the current one. makes me marvel n respect them all the more for stepping down gracefully n pitching in instead of tearing down. doesnt Mr M think that by slamming his successor, he is also inevitably slamming himself? he chose him for goodness sake... speaks of such good taste n foresight eh? n wat good is it to throw mud at someone already in the pits? doesnt show much of good character. n moreover, if the country's wellbeing is his concern, wouldnt trying to stabilise it after such polling shock (drop in shares r forecast. economy suffers) be a better move? makes u wonder if he is suffering from PM-withdrawal syndrome n trying to prove he is a better PM than his successor. seriously, M'sia is doing "not good" already. wat on earth is he trying to do? foolish. i m really pissed. n i dun even know y i care so much for Msia's politics! time for a malaysian malaysia pls... the country belongs to the chinese n indians too. i should shut up already.

Monday, March 03, 2008

11 099 on the counter.
nice number.

i thoroughly enjoyed yesterday's sermon
from 1 Sam 7:3-12
a call to clean up (v3)
"if you are returning to the Lord with all your hearts,
a call to look up
a call to set up (v12)
"then Samuel took a tone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, 'thus far has the Lord helped us.' "

a wake up call to
reckon & re-examine
restore & rebuild
respond & return

this is juz the sermon outline. i ve scribbled so much more personal notes on the outline sheet. God's been so good. felt so refreshed from the word.
---

finally fulfilled my date. watched Leap years with en n lyd n yq. thoroughly enjoyed the movie. really enjoyed the lit.

the depth of longing was well brought out. the 4 gals well represented star-crossed love scenarios - a divorcee, a les, a mistress turned good, n a pining lover. spore's music, landscape, ethnic diversity n even food culture were even showcased! i love the soundtrack. a bonus was corinne may's familiar tunes. wat was unexpected was the humour in the lines! had the audience laughing n crying like some on-off switch!

now the slamming. haha n i really do LLLOOOOVVVEEE the movie! the guy could ve pursued the gal harder than he did la. i was a little concerned abt the message sent out really young pp out there abt going all out. esp one line dat goes "we dont need anyone's approval to love someone. why bother wat other pp think?" (said by the les!) well, like it or not, we cant live as if there is no God. there r consequences.
---

the other romance film was P.S. I love you. n yes i loved it loved it too! well, thankfully i didnt read the novel first. SE who s read it complained. but me? i was totally satisfied with all the crying i did. i wonder if i d read the book.. think i d pass. shall keep the movie good in my mind.
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turns out this is the subsitute for the missing valentine s day blog afterall! haha.
home is not a place. home is a person.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

2 Hs represent v much of how i felt for the past few months - harassed and helpless.
haha.. i blogged abt this sometime ago abt sharing on dat passage. but oh well, related or not, some pressing, repeated smses yesterday made me realise i've been feeling v harassed n hence helpless. and K helped me work thru some of those which insightful questions.

r these goals what i want? is this where i want to be going? m i motivated to obtain this goal?
is this something i m convicted to do? something God is telling me to do it? if yes, n if i m not ready, what needs to happen 1st ?
if i've got enough ___________ would i b able to do it? (if i think there is something that i lack)

i'm not helpless. i need not react. i can act.i have options. more importantly, i can say "no"... which evidently didnt really make it into my dictionary or vocab.
my overblown sense of obligation can be thrown to the wind!

realised i really should take the Sabbath year thingy seriously. shall use my leave, n take no pay leave if i need. which i do. desperately.
pls dont ask me to take care of my body, that i need to rest. do u really think i m not trying to do that?! that i have this secret death wish to burn out?! (pls keep your yes-es to yourself! i might bite.)

another realisation today: to me, it is luxury to be able to have a workless meal. i would love to eat by myself, not at some meeting table/ study bench.
today, as like many others, i rushed from staff meeting to an evaluation, closure meeting that included lunch. it lasted the whole afternoon. then when it ended at 515, i went over to another part of the "sprawling" campus to have another "fellowship" that catered dinner. that event lasted till 930. so yeah,i actually have 12 hour days with really NO free time inbetween. n if u think the meals were free, rest assured that my double-digit bank account shows that the most of these times the meals cost more than if i would dine on my own lunch breaks.

oh, cheers to Spore for winning the bid to host the 1st ever Youth Olympics in 2010. and yes NUS will be the the lodging place. wow. i dun noe if i wanna b ard then. but i guess it'll be fun. but... in 2010.... it'll be a stretch to call me a "youth".

---
the way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into predestined, clearly delineated plan of the future... all these challenges require a willingness to risk a journey into the unknown and a readiness to trust God even in darkness. - Brennan Manning

love, generally, is that principle which leads one moral being to desire and delight in anther, and reaches its highest form in that personal fellowship in which each lives in the life of the other, and finds his joy in imparting himself to the other, and in receiving back the outflow of that other's affection into himself.
James Orr (Hastings Dictionary of the Bible, III, 153)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Non-believers take an average of 7.6 times before they receive the gospel.


75 to 90% of new believers come to Christ through a friend who explained the gospel in a one to one basis to them. Only 17% of conversions are the result of a rally or church service.

Only 5 to 10% of an average church shares their faith in one year. But Jesus showed us in John 4:39 that when we seize opportunities to share our faith fully, they can grow into chain reactions.

1 Peter 3:15 says Christians should not just throw hints abut their faith but need to share enough information about their faith to allow the Holy Spirit to effect a change of heart.


We must be prepared to share the whole gospel. Every presentation is a seed that may eventually breed fruit.
----
taken from some brochure in my email...
juz when i m mulling over evangelism tactics, n struggling over "pre-evangelistic" means.

----
i think i need to deal with my overly sensitive sense of obligation. i can say no.

Friday, February 22, 2008

i wanna go home n sleep it all off like it's a bad dream

Thursday, February 21, 2008

i ve been wanting to blog...! finally, rebelling at my "office" in NUS... cant seem to focus on the huge workpile waiting for me. sigh...

i think i got prob. i have gained ALOT of weight. n i have been eating ALOT. yes i think u n i see the correlation. haha. seriously, i have become a stress eater! n have been wanting to eat so much esp when i m working. today, i m turning to food like every hour! help help.

i ve watched alot of movies over the past 3 weeks!
CJ7, Ah Long Pte Ltd, Kite Runner, The Notebook, PS I Love You, Jumper. actually 6 movies in 10 days.

let me tell u wat i didnt enjoy n share about those i enjoyed anoter time.
Ah long i give half star for the attempt to touch the conscience of the real ah longs out there.
Jumper was a disappointing show from the directors of Bourne Identity. nice effects n gr8 idea tho. would love to b a jumper. ahaha.

net to watch, another local production - feb 29!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

i had so much to blog throughout this week!

so here's the whole of it (or watever's left):

i was SOOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to valentine's day. it's my 2nd most fav day of the year! no prizes for guessing which is my fav day. but if u do not yet know, u'd better find out!

n the 3 days preceeding it were the worst days of this year... i hope! (keeping my fingers crossed tightly!) but... it's fat chance cos i already know one 3-day period dat will top this one - FOC which i m IC of. (loud sigh). mon-wed were really drop dead days for me. i discovered yet a deeper pit of tiredness! i really never knew i could be this tired! sun was frantic wif calls n checking emails abt the distribution. then when mon came by, i realised i entered the week with my fuel indicator needle at "E". so dead by the end of the day i was delirious. no kidding. SW was laughing at how i was "high" n sprouting nonsense. was so anxious n stressed i couldnt sleep on tues, woke up feeling nervous. my M2s could c i was still quite delirious on thurs am when i had back-to-back DGs.

but i surprised myself at how i could still trudge on despite really hitting an all-time low on strength. i surprised MH wif a b'day bouquet on mon night, making my way down to pasir ris, wed going down to XL's after midnight 2 print stuff n staying up all night 2 get it done. or how i become eloquent, awake n spirited when i talk abt the Word.

i really thank God for how He really is so faithful. that despite me letting ministry get between me n Him, He is always there, holding me thru it all. i was really stressed out n anxious n maxed out. He has proven yet again that He is sufficient.

but yes, need 2 rest. so i had taken leave on fri in foresight. had a gr8 rest at home. then out to wendy's 21st party. she tried to give a testimony abt God. she actually cried when she "thanked a very important person in my life."

next few weeks would be a mini step down from the hectic chaos. frankly, my mind's reeling from the pace n the amt of things i need 2 do. i had refused to work today... so shall have to plow thru the mountain of emails containing more work! i started on some already n realised they really do need brains to work on. so... shall leave tackling them to when i've seated myself comfortably in starbucks, energized by a shot of caffeine, sugar n milk tmr. so much for taking leave. for now, i shall go to bed, and end this post with thanks for those pp who have given me stuff on valentine's day. it's nice to know u love me. know too that you are loved.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

i have been resting. turned down all invites for home visitation, n rested at home ytd n today. so yeah.
stil not enuf however, n so i m wondering if it's the slacker in me that i m feeding or dat i juz really need more chilling out n dat s something healthy. hmm... shrugs.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

the grueling 2 days passed with my eyes opened to how God provided my every bit of strength. i wake up feeling i cant go on, i wanna roll over in bed (which i did until i can no longer b4 being really late). but when i finally do get outta bed, i feel i got an ounce of strength, n i use it, n then when i thought i m finishing that ounce, i find i can go on. it's like a step at a time. i find i could do my impossible schedule, n get stuff done. God is amazing isnt He?

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When God has blessed others by using certain methods, we sometimes presume that we should use those same methods. we don’t realize that God blessed that way for others because that's the way he ordered them to do things. nowhere is this more common than in church programs. one church prays and receives an answer - a specific method of carrying out a certain order of God. they are richly blessed because God blesses what God orders. Then another church, seeing this blessing, copies the program – because they believe God is blessing the program itself. They fail to realize that what he is really blessing is obedience. And they never stop to ask him, “Father, what do you want us to do?”
- Peter Lord, Hearing God p58,59

Holy Spirit
think through me
till your ideas
are my ideas
- Amy Carmichael

thank You Lord.

blessed CNY peeps!

Monday, February 04, 2008

this begins yet another hectic week. the dreaded 2 days. n i shudder to think what lies after this week.
why do i feel so alone in battle?

2 Kings 6:16, 17
"Oh Lord open his eyes so he may see." and the Lord opened the servant's eyes and he saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

1 Chron 14:14,15
"DO not go straight up, but circle around them and attack them in front of the balsam tress. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move out to battle, because that will mean God has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army."

Ps 127:1
unless the Lord builds the house, the labourers labour in vain.

we will seek Your face Almighty God
turn and pray for You to heal our land
let revival start in us
then every heart will know Your kingdom come

lifting up the name of the Lord
in power n in unity
we will see the nations turn
touching heaven changing earth

never looking back we ll run the race
giving You our lives we'll gain the prize
we will take the harvest given us
though we sow in tears we'll reap in joy

send revival send revival send revival to us

Saturday, February 02, 2008

feel like i m on a train heading full speed towards plunging into depths, no brakes whatsoever...
argh.




A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look

Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom,
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight

The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said:"

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling smal
land I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small
I trust in you I trust in you

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you willI surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small

Friday, February 01, 2008

juz in case u ve been wondering. yes. been resting.
"we have heard this holy Whisper at times. only at times have we submitted to His holy guidance. we have not counted this Holy THng within us to be the most precious thing in the world. we have not surrendered all else, to attend to it alone. - Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion, p159