juz watched "slumdog millionaire" tonight.

didnt realise dat it won oscars for

cinematography (this is a clear win!), directing, best picture, film editting, sound mixing, music -song (i was surprised to find out that they incorporated chinese drums into the music. simply delightful!), music -score (only cos i think bollywood's beats r novel to the US. i do really wish Wall.E had won this instead!) and writing -adapted!

watched "changeling" wif Schua, and also Curious case of Benjamin Button

button got

make-up & visual effects. i think it wins hands down for those. 

the 166 min long movie didnt drain me as much as it did for many i know. i think i eno

changeling was such an emotionally draining one: her son's alive... no he's not... yes there is hope! sometimes we really dunno which does more harm - to hope or not. should we keep on hoping or let go and move on best as we can? can we even live without hope? 

kate winslet is a v v gracious person. i loved her thank-you speech. 

n yes i m still impressed by sean penn (with watever bits they showed on tv) tho i didnt catch "Milk"

tho there's alot of other movies i would love to catch... but i think i've spent (or wasted) enuf time already. 

i think this year's academy awards is really something. they really worked hard 2 make it different. wat i m so glad abt it was how they got past oscar winners to commend this year's nominees. the look on their faces, soaking up the affirmation, juz drummed in the message that people need encouragement no matter how "big" they are. and wat a way to do it! 

i always enjoyed watching the academy awards. maybe it fuels the performance-loving streak in me (biao yan yu). nonetheless, i also draw lessons and inspiration from it. 

the world gives out trophies and we clamour for them, but at what price? the Lord gives out lasting rewards but there's no glamour about them in this world. the world and all its glory will fade away. what is done for the Lord will last.

i m more visual than audio. (like i said on my fb: i would rather be deaf than blind) this came up in a conversation i had wif ZZ. yes i m. but sometimes i surprise myself cos i hear n remember words. sometimes shockingly well. maybe cos i LOVE quotes. and the below is one:

"i shall pass thru this world but once. any good therefore that i can do or any kindness that i can show to any human being, let me do it now. let me not defer or neglect it, for i shall not pass this way again" 

i heard this on the video tribute to Jerry Lewis (think he said it on some show n they ended his tribute vid with his voice saying this) before he came onstage to receive the jean hersholt award. i googled it and found it mostly attributed to Stephen Grellet. amazing quote. 

i got a new pair of specs. walked ard in it today. felt like the world was spinning. my eyesight deteriorated v badly.  myopia n astig increased by more than 100 degrees. sigh. changed my contact lens to the astig ones too. i didnt realise i had been straining my eyes so much and walking ard pretty "blindly". man, it's amazing how i didnt realise it at all! how can i not know?!?!

read "the shack" by Wm Paul Young. wonderful christian novel. really good writing. it's amazing to have so much theology in such a digestible form! =)  

learnt alot of things, thought thru alot of things. sorry will try shake it out of me another time... =p

i cooked laksa for mum n me tonight. it was pretty yummy. took n pic of it on mum's hp. too lazy to transfer n upload it here. had the best time interacting one on one with mum since eons. 

have been bitten by the cooking bug; have been itching to cook n try out new stuff. will really set time aside to do so. 

perhaps next weekend i'll cook fish stuffed with herbs, with cream sauce n served with olive rice balls. hmmm... n i'll start recording cooking shows. 

been fantasizing about taking leave to read, cook n paint! something like take a half year off work? hmm...yar, like i'd have anything 2 leave on.

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my white sony ericsson slide phone so died-ed-ed. i bought an ice cream - LG ice cream. rather my sis helped me get it tonight. thank you HUI! sorry for all the trouble. it's pretty n has cool lights on the front. funny dat wat i like abt it is not its cool features but that 1) it's PINK! hahah.strawberry pink. 2) it's a flip phone. no more other kinds for me! 3) it's within my budget. i refuse to pay anything above $100. 

now, it's charging n i have problem transferring my 1000+ numbers over.n it seems like my bluetooth is undetectable by it. dear me. 

if you have sms-ed or called me n i seem to not respond, pls give me 2 more days n sms/call me again k? =p

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m excited about the Alpha and the "walk thru the New Testament" courses my church is running. i pray i can get at least 1 fren 2 go for alpha. 

the next american idol's gonna b neither Caucasian nor Black. 

quoting someone:

church attendance shows how popular church is

prayer meeting attendance shows how popular God is.

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i m taking a course in a school dat shall remain unnamed. n doing my reading (the 2 textbooks of the course) left me badly disillusioned. i'm doing some cross-culture course. a christian one. for preparing missionaries. n i m so darn disappointed at how the world's ways have been used to teach the disciples of God rather than the other way round. it's a whole load of crap! i felt as if i was reading my NUS anthropology texts! m i reading a christian course?!?! academics try to infuse the world's wisdom into a Christian topic dat should be filled more with biblical principles. it's world's methods, thoughts, SOPs and the sprinklings of bible verses quoted were there to support their point. academics pumping loads of hot air into the dissertation to get some crap degree but is totally useless when held up to the Bible.  at first i thought i was being closed-minded or critical.but after reading half of the 1st tb n 1st chapter of the 2nd, i felt that i could have better used my time juz reading n gleaning from the Bible about missions and cross-culture. 

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8 years ago i said some things about Bush when he took on his 1st term as president. n i was right. 

the recession we see is not going to go away in 1 or 2 years. obama will not be able to turn it around. it will seem like he can. but it'll all crumble down like a pack of cards. US doesnt have enough money. this is the work of God allowing man to undo himself by his own greed. those are strong will fall. 

it's a time to rethink in whom we place our trust in. in a president who orates well? in a govt to put in place good policies to weather this crisis and take care of its people? has your assurance been how much you ve stashed in the bank or how well your portfolio is doing? that you are climbing the career ladder in good speed, ahead of your peers? it's also a time to question our faith. are we worrying like any other man-in-the-street who do not know God? are we as frightened as one without hope or assurance?  

God is stripping away the glory of the world. and shaking everything dat can be shaken. His word will stand. His glory shall not be given to another. isaiah 48:11. and His people, those who put their trust not in man but Him, will be saved. 

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we prayed for revival. r we ready to pay the price? 

i need resuscitation. i need 2 b revived. 

i'm not a quitter n these r the most unlikely situations i d think i ll quit. 

i didnt quit. but there r pp saying i should. dat once i'm out You'll lead n guide. 

You noe my convictions abt it. yet...

hm.

Lord say something. let me hear u.

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i never thot i'd say "you suck". n i did. n worse, i meant it. every childish bit of it. i m so very disappointed with you. 

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wat i learnt during CNY:

i m so full of pride, i m pathetic. 

i ve got a model on how to love n honour my mother. my aunty's a shining eg. 

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my hp's kinda gone. ka-ponk. waiting for sat for a good deal on non-nokia, non-sony ericsson. 

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uyiwch eimc eipr cjepr hguieh xheuiehuicrheuirzhweuizuaeichfuihuihcwif grui i m incoherent. 

Prayer is not a substitute for hard work — prayer is the work! God does things in and through our lives by prayer that He does in no other way. As we pray, and as our attention is turned toward God, we become more receptive to aligning our lives with His will.
God will not equip us with His power while we are racing off to our next appointment! His Spirit will not empower us if we are oblivious to what He is saying. He requires our complete attention before He will fill us with the powerful presence of His Spirit.

from Experiencing God Day by Day, 
a devotional by Henry and Richard Blackaby
2nd October entry

"in prayer it is better to have heart without words than words without heart." - John Bunyan

to pray is to listen to the One who calls you "my beloved daughter," "my beloved son," "my beloved child." to pray is to let that voice speak to the center of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being. - Henri Nouwen

to get nations back on their feet, we must first get down on our knees - Billy Graham

i declare a week of personal fast n prayer. 

"the whole course of the life is upset by the failure to put God where He belongs." - A.W Tozer

it's not that i juz opened my eyes. it's that now it's time for me to open my mouth. 

it's time 4 action. 2 rise up. no more sleeping. no more lazing. time is short. labour while it is day. 

The real need for depth is not mainly in terms of higher complexity of truth. The real need for most people is greater depth of penetration of the simple truths into hearts and lives.

so when u find yourselves stuck at some "simple ideas" or "familiar passages of the Bible", get off of the theoretical and down to the practical. So ask, "Why don’t we always apply this simple truth?" In other words, "What are the elements of our circumstances, priorities, etc. that keep us from obeying what God so clearly teaches us."

I have been having near-perfect days! i ve been basically going thru days AMAZED by the goodness of God!
say wednesday, i got to meet 6 med students n dentist n got to catch up and hear from them. it is a rather mean feat considering how every1's timing juz fit incredible like pieces of puzzle falling into place in my schedule. n not to mention their willingness to meet!
i was already blessed by the interaction with them. then... stepping into the MRT, i met Evelyn whom i havent met in a long time! and she asked me abt PEPSI n within the travelling to 1 stop, i managed to answer her question n meet her need that helped her cell group's planning. n for me, i was encouraged that she is actively involved in her cell group. and finding her on FB, she is growing n committing herself to the Word more this year. greater encouragement.

then thurs, having a good meeting with my med staff team and then being able to lunch with JL at TTSH. meeting drs n students in middle of sch is almost like ti-kum-ing. they dun know their schedule, when they can have lunch (many times they cant!) n even if we can lunch more than 10min tog! had a good interaction with Jon n prayed. i was so encouraged by his ministering to me! n i was supposed 2 b the staff! then down to Lily's. had a good time with lincoln then also praying. again, it felt like my schedule was God-arranged. so very swee2 swee4

today, went for my last CSM. i m already overjoyed at the prospect that i m no longer in campus. n they were so sweet. wanted 2 do a closure n "send off". n did it as a appreciation to me n ZZ. n of course got a little borders card. got sharon to appreciate me n of course she praised me 2 the skies. i got to say my "last words" and appreciate the leadership n my ex-team. then had a surprise appreciation fr D as he abruptly requested to say sometihng. at first i didnt noe how 2 react. then i relaxed n received his words. a definite leap on his part n for me, answered prayers for restoration n healing. i felt God juz gave me a fabulous closure. something extra but so very good! the sharing n prayer was refreshing. had a gr8 lunch with ZZ n jan choo. then coming back 2 the office, helped calyn. n while helping, gail found me and i could help her get her job done n she kept saying "seeing you makes me so happy". like more than 10 times! n despite it being such a small thing n we not meaning anything more than colleges to each other, this exclamation made me so very happy too! then travelling down to city hall with SW. met evelyn again! we got more chance to chat n she shared with me her life. n so uplifted by my interactions with every1 today.it's like some impossibly perfect day where every1 u meet tells u how great u r, that they love u, or open their hearts n share with u. n the praying tog adds the icing to the cake. it's been such a sweet sweet day. or days. thank You Lord!

it's like God using all of us to resource, encourage and spur one another along. that i can give n help others n others can b brought into my path by God to refresh me. it's like mini perfect demo of the body of Christ living n helping one another. i really feel v loved n favoured.

back to sch! muahaha.

i m confused regarding the structure of my min. where m i? still under NUS? sigh.

my back'll break if i cont carrying such heavy load! next comp i'll buy will be the ASUS EeePC! cos it's light! carrying my laptop to n fro, plus bible, umbrella etc is so not good! 

next hp - a clamshell motorola. yes i miss my clamshell. after so many diff models- slide, candy bar, clamshell... i still like the clamshell. 

hmm... much as i like n embrace change, i still m a creature of habit, going back to my "vomit"! haha. same long wallet (cos i like the features even tho i was trying to get a diff one), same kind, n i think model of phone (cos it's got my heart! haha)

WHY ONE SHOULD NOT WATCH HORROR SHOWS like ghost whisperer etc:

even tho it brings to an awareness of the supernatural, that there is a reality beyond what we can see, and that we are not all in control of our lives, situations etc. 

- it erases God from the picture. a sovereign God is absent. these shows are essentially atheistic in nature. anything that removes God from the picture is diabolically opposed to God and the knowledge of Him. 

- it exaggerates n focuses us on the power of the "evil" supernatural world. and gives authority (which the supernatural forces DONT) to wreak havoc. 

if you are trying to grow in your sensitivity and awareness of God's presence n His ways through understanding the Word, and learning to apply it in your daily life, this totally sets you back.

erm, doesnt knowing these keeps us safe n makes it ok to watch it? 

well, u know about slow cooking the frog eh?

i m not a "puritan", nor m i a killjoy. but... seriously, there are better things to do to relax or  to entertain you. u can make a better choice. n there are better choices. 

God is a God of pleasures. in His right hand are pleasures evermore. ps 16:11. 

every good thing comes from Him. Ps 16:2, Js 1:17

there's no good thing APART from Him. so anything that does not exalt the knowledge of God, anything that opposes the knowledge of God, this we need to cast away.  

go to Him for a really good thing- a pleasure n joy that does not leave a bad hang-over in the morning, does not haunt u in the stillness of night, doesnt leave you scrambling to cover up. 

no, it's not a chick novel stained with sexual overtones. no it's not a video download that gets adrenaline n endorphins into your system. 

some1 asked me this question. n i thot i'd post it for you to help me too:

what is one thing i can learn or do to love people better?

dun tag board ur answer... email, sms, facebook msg me.

is it possible to have a dilemma that i m not yet in?

we really have the choice. it's not as if there arent any in any given situation. 

God really doesnt mess with our freewill.

wat wud i chose? 

it's interesting how this year has unfolded. 2009 promises 2b a blockbuster! =)

it's the last day of a year i cant wait to get over with! wahaha! it's been a tough year...4 most part, i feel lost, bogged down by a lack of vision n passion, dryness of the soul. but then, looking back, i always say that of the year that i'd just lived thru, so yeah, the conclusion is that it's getting tougher with each passing year. well, it never gets any easier eh. but i so think it does gets sweeter =)

i consider my life a pretty good one. blessed with love and support of great family n friends. friends who showed me they love me and stayed with me thru the years... 20 years for 1, 17 for another, 15 for 2 more whom i would almost term "the cashmere mafia" or "sex in the city" as leen puts it. we meet for birthdays n celebrations, our ties transcend national borders, from japan to indian soon thailand. n not forgetting my JC  friends (esp Mong, LL n JY) who warm my heart in their own special ways. mentors who go beyond helping (Pat, yeep, Kim), a church that loves and supports me. a team (LT,SW, CL) who love n care n work tog supporting one another, disciples who have grown n showed me they love me too, n my best friend who challenges me to grow in ways no1 else can. n my family... one who support me in fulfilling God's call upon my life.the sacrifices i made are also made by them - the no money, no time etc they took it well in their stride. actually just saying this, 2008 kinda wins hands down! haha. 

1sts of 2008: my photo exhibitions, electric guit, credit cards, death of a disciple.

highlights: 1 month leave, silent retreat, medsci staff team, women's conference, 2 marathons, coming out from campus min. 

jokes of the year: chennai trip, sabbath year. 

God has shown me that He answers prayers, provides faithfully, loves deeply. there were many times when i felt i was really greatly favoured! n recently I was once again put to shame at how i fretted, worried, vacillated. oh me of small faith! 

ending here seems so unfinished, abrupt etc. but i feel like juz ending here. so here's all the the public eye. thank you for you... for you have journeyed with me thru this year. 

today was p steven's farewell. 

ate "orh ni" n my stomach was unwell the whole day. sigh.

m tired. this lack of drive, purpose n direction is killing me. and some other stuff that are total irritants r the straws that break the camel's back.

it's times like these that i fall into my stupid-less-than-mediocre mode where i'd rather not have something good juz cos i dun want the pain n trouble that comes with it. this is a mode that allows me to wallow in my mud  juz cos i dun wan 2 bother. i want that change without wanting to change. and all it does is to prolong my agonised state of being. why m i so stupid, i dont know.

2 worship pract, countdown, retreat, plans, proposals, devotion, consultation... 

i m trying now to prep for work n ministry in a befuddled manner. 

hush. be still. 

God is near.

my newsletter has been mailed out. if you havent received it thru snail mail or email and you want 2 have a copy, pls sms me.

Jesus Christ did not only paid for all your sins, He also paid for every answered prayer that you have and will ever have, every blessing that you receive. you cannot, by anything you have done or ever will do, add to or subtract to His grace and all that He has given you. 

it's a joy to see eileen back from IND even for a while. it's been so long. and i gasp at the horror of realisation dat we have been friends for 20 years! 

looking forward 2 tmr's gal gang usual christmas gift exchange. tho getting each other gifts have been progressively challenging. 

i have great siblings who love God and i think are wise in alot of ways. 

i still have alot of things to be done b4 the year closes on me! argh!!!!

m pretty stressed out for the min retreat on mon. Lord will You pls provide?

miscellaneous things i want 2 do:

go to starbucks, get back to running, to go to the gym, swim, give out all the christmas cards and gifts...

dat's on top of work, farewells, worship preparations, retreat and BS material selection, calling of drs n students, friend gatherings, funeral...

why is it that i m never ready to face the new year? oh well...

nonetheless, i think this year's gonna be exciting. despite my reluctance, there is hope that it ll b a better year. i do want to put the purposelessness, the detours, the traumas of 2008 behind and get back a sense of vision and clarity, direction and drive. 

i ve grown. to love better, to sleep deeper. =)

i'm leading worship 3x in 3 weeks. still pretty stuck on the songlist n arrangements 4 1st one. 

bro came back from KL trip. bought fake adidas sweater for me. i look cute n fat in it. haha. he v nice. helped me design my newsletter n got it done. it's a HUGE load off my chest! thanks bro!

n hui got a baby G! maybe she ll b given diamonds next b'day! haha. love the way she smiles... 

went n got some doses of acapella n christmas carols. i LOVE "agapella!" they're good! better than butak pantai. 

my sleep cycle's topsy turvy. all thanks 2 some sleepless nights. it's amazing how i can feel so jet-lagged. hope i can turn it ard. need discipline. 

i'm feeling better. i m surprised at how important closure is. watching the trip vid n photos helped so much, i somehow can b thankful 4 the opportunity of working, serving, travelling tog with david. n hope is returning. tho i still feel kinda knocked out n low, but i m processing with God. it's a little bit at a time here. i wish i can go faster. but i can only trust God knows how to do this cos i really dun and i m holding onto His hands. i need so much from Him at this time. need new vision, passion n direction. i need HS breathe on me, fill me, overflow. the jet-laggedness is more than a physical feeling. sigh. but i m recovering. it still blows my mind 2 know God wants me to go thru this. He is doing something here. 

God's ways are higher. unfathomable. yet good, trustworthy n.... perfect. tho really, to my finite, minute mind "perfect" is totally incomprehensible. one day i shall know. one day. n i look forward to it. when i shall see Him face to face. it'll be then that all the questions will no longer not matter. the day my joy shall be complete. the day i'll be perfect. 

caught IN HER SHOES on channel 5 tonight. i loved the story cos it s abt sisters, about growing up and coming into oneself. read that book, then caught the movie in the cinema, blogged abt it then and now blogging abt it. 

i had wanted, wished 2 watch it with my sis. n yes we kinda watched it tog. 

somehow within my heart, i do really want us to be really tight friends. that we can share our lives. 

i carry your heart in my heart. 

staying up all night at the airport right now. sent off the dental mt. 

i've come to realise how important it is to have closure. to say your "goodbyes." funerals are for the living, not the dead. and it is indeed better to be in the house of mourning than in the house of feasting (ecc 7:2). 

right now, talks about death (i'm sensitive even listening to med student talk abt dying patients!) or hearing abt the state prosecuting the bus driver who caused the accident can bring tears. i need some more time in mourning. sigh. cant believe how big a hole david has left in my life. i didnt even think it would be. so here's the realisation that everyone who has been in my life fills it in an inexplicable, unexplainable way n somehow by leaving i feel my life's been a little unraveled. 

re newsletter writing: still constipated 

a bit pissed right now at T2's coffeebean management. i m obviously typing on my OWN laptop n have a large drink still unfinished. n the manager can come up n say "excuse me, no studying." "i m not studying" "no art n craft (my friend was writing christmas cards!) or anything like that after 5am. m pissed. if i come at peak time, typing on my laptop i wont get chased away lor. n it's 5 am for goodness sake! 

yesterday was a day full of different feelings.

1. excited cos of stand chart. i always look forward 2 it every year since my participation in 2003.

2. frustration - my left knee started to give way at 10km. i started limping n felt like crying at 16k cos for the 1st time in a long time i didnt run with any1 so i could really run my timing but for my knee which havent been any problem for the marathons.

3. pain - it was very painful limping throughout. n even worse was when at 33k my right knee gave way due to over-reliance on it since my left knee gave me problems. i had to get bandage n re-bandaged. it was my lowest point. i teared a number of times cos it so painful limping. 

4. peace n joy - it s amazing how God ministers and speaks through pain. i felt His presence by my side while i limped my way. while i was so very disappointed to not be able to run, n despite my prayers my good knee hurt, i felt i gained a few insights and revelations about myself and my life. 

5. relief - throughout the marathon ( i wanted to type "run" but "limp" was more accurate) i had thought to myself that i would break down n cry after i complete the race cos it was so painful. but when i finally did cross the finishing line, i was just "relieved". no tears, no fainting, no whatever. 

6. numb - after i came home n bathe n ate n went to bed to rest, my legs slowly became numb n i kinda couldnt move them. that's physical numbness. emotional numbness was when joshw sms me during my run to say vince n him were going down to find david cos he was on the coach dat met with an accident. n when i was on my way home he sms to say they juz saw his body. it seem so surreal dat he would leave so soon. 

many asked me why i kept on running despite my pain. i think it's the same reason why i want to run. it's not for the medal or finisher's tee (cos i ve already got liao). cos even tho i did start of my long distance running with it somewhere as a goal years back, i realised that the journey is more precious. one could learn alot from it. oh well, i also know sun a long run is meaningless for many of you. then dont run lor, easy. dont even do it for the medal. you'll realise it's a lousy excuse when you go through the pain. a friend had a "die die must get medal n finisher's tee" attitude despite her injury. (but after she s got them, she said that it's pointless)

reflections:

- people handle pain very differently. some make the prize as incentive, a friend asked me to not think about the pain, focus on something else. whereas i think about the pain. i wonder about it. i feel it. n i tell, ask, complain to God about it. maybe that makes a lot of difference in my walk with God...

- my strength is not "physical". (shant elaborate)

- the run's God is training me (shant elaborate)

- i'm intrinsically motivated. i dont go for extrinsic rewards as much as most pp ard me. 

many would say "life is so fragile/short" etc. many doctors who are numb or de-sensitized towards death are "thawed" and are saddened by the lost of their dear friend n colleague. my prayer is that David's death would bring them an awakening n reflection  and grow in godly perspective on their own lives.

the doctor friends who identified his body would have more idea how he had died. i cant imagine the agony they are going thru right now. we "grew up" with him. 

to David:

i thank God for your life. while most think it was shortened tragically, i know that all the days of your life is written before any came to be (ps 139), that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Father knowing (matt 10). i know you are in an infinitely better place. i pray that those whom u love and who love you will know that too. thank you for serving and following the Lord while you were alive. thank you for always being that encouraging gentleman, the faithful ST who i can rely on. your CGH authorities gave testimony that you are a hardworking and promising doctor. you were. n i believe you fulfilled your duty, giving glory to God. and He will take care of those you've left behind.

the self-description i've always used on my blog and websites:

I’m an inanely intelligent girl who is introvertly extroverted and humbly proud; a pessimistic optimist, a talkative listener, a spontaneous planner,a myopic visionary, n a workaholic bummer all rolled into one. i'm also a nocturnal homosapien who's melancholically sanguine and painfully fun to be with! I love Jesus and am passionate about discipleship, evangelism and missions. i m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ!

I’m finally ready to change that description! Why do I want to do that? I think it’s time to update; have a more accurate description, do away with the “try to be cool” mentality and state as plain as I can, as honestly as I know how, the who, what and why of me at this point of my life:

i am a beloved child of the one true, living God. I will give my all to grow in godliness and holiness, to be like Christ and live a life led and empowered by the Holy Spirit. I seek to be congruent and honest to who I am, to come into all I can be in Christ. I want to be known not as a successful ministry leader, charismatic preacher, faithful missionary, humble sage, but as one who knows and loves God. I want to live not for the world’s applause but solely for my Lord’s approval; not for popularity nor fame but for charity and His name; to please God and help others please Him; to know God and to make Him known. I’m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ The world is my scope and Jesus my Saviour, Master and Friend. With His aid I shall fulfill my call, for love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. 

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more about me:

I think I m intelligent but I have been proven more foolish than wise. Sometimes humble, often proud. Preoccupied with self more than I like. Extroverted but enjoys being alone. I am more people than task-oriented, slightly more left than right-brained. More explosive than even tempered

I enjoy 

starbucks (once in a while due to lack of disposable income!), 

good books,

sunsets,

long walks and slow jogs, 

the seaside as well as the crowded orchard road, 

the stillness of the night, and a splash of rain

Soichiro Honda quotes:

• Success represents the 1% of your work which results from the 99% that is called failure.
  
• The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred.

• If you hire only those people you understand, the company will never get people better than you are. Always remember that you often find outstanding people among those you don't particularly like.
• What we learn through failure becomes a precious part of us, strengthening us in everything we do. So let the tough things make you tougher.
  

juz read his biography. was amazed at his perseverance.

"Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by his beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose - and all of this gathered up in adoration."
William Temple, Archbishop of Canterbury (1942-44)

reality is larger than we are, and when we insist that reality conform to our perceptions, we have the same mindset as the 2-year-old who sees her parents as hateful because they wont give her a piece of candy. - Dr henry cloud, dr john townsend, it's not my fault

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i m thankful to have a group of galfriends. my thots as i read the 18 or thereabout emails sent in the morning: me friends r cool! haha! i cant wait for our christmas gift exhcange with leen back from chennai. n soon, it'll b CNY wif ning back too. my best friends fr primary, sec n jc n working days all in a group. way cool. my life is good. 

ok ok. i admit. i have become rather lazy about blogging these days. there s so much going on in my life right now n i should tell you about it... but i m juz too preoccupied with 2 thing: getting myself sort out and getting my work done. haha. 

let me type out some stuff to placate you guys:

i m sick. from the staff summit in M'sia. the same bug that plagues me is the same one that has gotten alot of my colleagues down. such a sharing community eh? presenting complaints: sore throat, stuffy noses, fever. 

im reduced to much coughing and unclogging the green phlegm from my system. not much voice to sing/shout with. i ve just handed in my medical costs for insurance claim. i love travel insurance!

actually hitched a ride from a lorry driver (who is God-sent) to the bus stop after a long n tiring run. he kindly offered since he saw us (note: i wasnt alone. i wouldnt dare get onto the lorry if i was alone!) walking n there's no bus/taxi at the stretch of road and he u-turned back to wherever he was going to after dropping us. dat, my friend, was a very cool, way better answer to my prayers for a taxi. 

my bro had his birthday. i m proud of my bro (and sis!) for the persons they have grown up to become - God-seeking, God-pursuing people! 

my good old friend had her birthday on the day her sister threw her wedding banquet (or rather it's the other way round) and i sat at the table with her relatives and maids. i realised we had been good friends for so long that her parents and siblings (and even maids!) dare to ask me what only relatives are entitled to. and i ve begun to know her distant relatives too! sigh. 

i cant wait for stand chart this year! so looking forward to it. so glad next day is a pub hol for me 2 rest sore muscles!

now, the heart stuff:

i've come to reckon with myself in a deeper level. I thank God for tutoring me and leading me to know Him and myself alot better these past weeks. 

i've learnt more about the Father heart of God, been assured of my standing, been overwhelmed by His love.

I've learnt that i m a "blanket optimist", not unlike the ostrich who puts its head into the sand and says to itself, "all will be well." and that has caused me so much dissonance. i cannot truly rest in the sovereignty of God without examining my thoughts, emotions and aligning them to the truth. 

i've learnt that i still go about life wondering "when the other shoe will drop" or when the good things will come to an end. 

and i've been called to rest assured in a loving, unwavering relationship

thank You God!

you know you have "arrived" when you celebrate your birthday in a chinese restaurant, the kind that people go to celebrate birthdays of OLD people. haha...! 

it was my idea. it is a great restaurant. have to "call to reserve place or else no seat" place. what stood out was the outstanding service. i love great, prompt, courteous service. then again, who doesnt? so here's a salute to all service staff who takes pride in serving well! 

my family doesnt do silly things like getting cake and getting the restaurant to play "happy birthday" song over the sound system.

but... it didnt stop them from "pirating" some1 else's when it was played. n i had to shish them to stop being such "cheapskates"... it's some1 else's birthday song for goodness sake!

but then, we broke out in fits of laughter when an employee walked in from outside saying that they didnt manage to play it on the speakers outside (the huge group of people celebrating that person's birthday was outside) so the birthday person didnt get to hear any of it when his/her cake was brought out to him/her. indeed, the song got played out for me instead. haha. 

yes i had a great birthday so far since the celebrations started. 

here's a summary of what happened so far-

key highlight: i OD-ed on tiramisu. the coffee liquor and cream in those things are near lethal!

finding a nice dress that is not too revealing is so very tough! it takes hard work and commitment to not compromise! 

went to restaurants with great waiters and waitresses. 

eat and eat.

slept alot

spent half day with God

got overwhelmed by His love and blessings. 

touched by the MANY MANY got b'day greetings from many many people.

am pretty booked up till b4 i leave for staff summit. it's an impossible task to rest or lose weight during this period!

b'day celebrations will continue till i m ready to give way to Christmas preparations. HAHA. 

see what i mean when i blogged about self-absorption during birthdays? sigh...

----

"RESOLVED, NEVER TO DO ANYTHING WHICH I WOULD BE AFRAID TO DO IF IT WERE THE LAST HOUR OF MY LIFE" - Jonathan Edwards

----

sometimes we get so caught up with the task of evangelisation that we failed to love the person into the kingdom. while setting faith goals, timelines, getting commitment, strategies, dividing up the job...be careful not to dehumanise. 

----

what is an axolotl (pronounced ACK-suh-LAH-tuhl) ? 

"water monster" and the "Mexican walking fish," 

has amazing traits, including retaining its larval features throughout its adult life, a phenomenon called neoteny. It lives all its life in the water but can breathe both under water with gills or by taking gulps of air from the surface, and the ability to completely re-grow lost limbs. Axolotls have played key roles in research on regeneration, embryology, fertilization and evolution. 

is near extinction. 

evan is overwhelmed by love - God's and her family and friends. 

it's amazing. thank you all of you!! thank you for loving me.

yesh... the celebrations have officially started on wed when the students surprised me by singing a birthday song after LM and gave me a slice of raspberry cheese cake...(or was it blueberry? LOL) my best friend (with grin on face) came over and say, "you dont like right? can i have it?" was surprised she actually knows i dont like berries. n yesh we decided that spinellis cakes are not as nice as other coffee joints.

was actually caught unaware of wat i wanted... couldnt tell when asked. had to think abt it on the way back on mrt...

n now that i think i have a slightly better idea... i think they've gone n bought the pressies already.

anyway, i find birthdays can be such a self-centred time... haha... yesh me saying it. friends of antiquity would tell ya that i ve been blessed with profuse celebrations all thru the years and mostly cos i perpetuated it. demanded it. wished it. i would pout and sulk and declare one not a friend if any dare to make less of THE birthday, much less forget. a friend who cannot even remember her parents' , boyfriend's birthdays can religiously remember mine. so yeah, i used to, and think still do, take my birthday WAY too seriously... m trying to 'unserious-ify' it over these past years... but havent reach total oblivion to my hatchday just yet. 

so, i ve decided to find a cave and hide on my birthday and find God. not go to work and wonder, expect myself to be lavished upon. will crawl out to have dinner with family at a "restaurant" under a hdb block.

so there you have it, my official statement of how i'll be spending my birthday. so dun need to ask liao. haha

it's times such as my birthdays that i painfully realise how much i adore myself, and allow myself to be adored. way too much for the good of my ego. i love myself, worship myself more than i should God. 

john 3:30. i need to be unEVANful. 

it s only by grace i m sustained thus far... n grace will led me home. 

the earth shall soon dissolve like snow

the sun forbear to shine

the Lord who's called me here below 

will be forever mine

"help us eradicate poverty" an email heading read. this is a noble cause. i was thinking aloud that if the millions that go into US presidential election campaign can just go the the 3rd world, we can do alot to eradicate poverty, improve healthcare, work on developing alternative fuel even in the US. 

having said that however, know that "the poor u'll always have with you." (matt 26:11, mk 14:7). there are more real causes to put ur attention to. why try to save the body when you really need to save the soul?

----

i dun like dim sum. pls note. 

----

what you can do about wall street. check out

http://www.ccci.org/ministries/priority-associates/pray-for-wall-street.aspx

m i a workaholic? i wonder... 

slept less than 3 hours yesterday, having juz reached home, still in my working clothes, i turned on my laptop, read the news headlines n now checking my work mail. 

was abt to wonder who'd reply or send mails to me this late anyway, the last i checked my inbox was ard 8pm, and while stimulating some evangelism scenario... well well mail fr philippines n korea! haha. *types away*

yes i think i m a workaholic. i enjoy my work and i live for ministry. 

hmmm.... is this bad? yes if it takes the place of God in my life and leave Him standing by the sidelines, that my quiet time with Him suffers, my prayers and my meditation of Him dwindle.

ok u noe wat i gotta do now...since i've also replied my new mails. in mere minutes since i started typing this entry.... i sometimes scare myself at how fast i can work... n well, sometimes my speed can be superseded even by the snail... 

today (or rather yesterday) was pretty good. =) m thankful. 

oh oh, b4 i go off must note this down. today ter found me a "beloved". lol.

got this in the email again. dunno where to kip so thot i'd post it up...

 It is about a mission doctor serving in Africa: 

 

  One night, I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (there was no electricity to run an incubator) nor any special feeding facilities.

    Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and thecotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle.

    She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it was our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed.

    As in the West, it is no use crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa, it might be considered no use crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drug stores down forest pathways.

    "All right," I said. "Put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

    The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could easily die if it got the chills. I also told them about the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

    During the prayer time, one 10-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

    While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know that You really love her?"

    As often with children's prayers, I was put n the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen"? I just did not believe that Good could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so.. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at the time, and I had never ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

    Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the packaging strings, carefully undoing each knot.

    We unfolded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some 40 pairs of eys were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

    Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the... could it really be? I grasped it eagerly and pulled it out. Yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle!

    I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

    Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully- dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked, "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

    That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before - in answer to the believing prayer of a 10-year-old to bring it "that afternoon".

Have you ever picked up a book and upon reading it realized that it speaks exactly to you, answers that every question you are asking at that time in your life? Well, last night I picked out a book for my bro’s friend and this morning, I started reading my pick… n the very 1^st question was the question I asked God in tears the very night before. how uncanny…. 

--------

Blaise Pascal's Memorial was inscribed under a cross on a scrap of paper, which records Pascal's experience on one unforgettable night in 1654, was found in the lining of his coat after his death, for he carried this reminder about with him always.

French/Latin original

L'an de grâce 1654,

Lundi, 23 novembre, jour de saint Clément, pape et martyr, et autres au martyrologe.
Veille de saint Chrysogone, martyr, et autres,
Depuis environ dix heures et demie du soir jusques environ minuit et demi,

FEU.

« DIEU d'Abraham, DIEU d'Isaac, DIEU de Jacob »
non des philosophes et des savants.
Certitude. Certitude. Sentiment. Joie. Paix.
DIEU de Jésus-Christ.
Deum meum et Deum vestrum.
« Ton DIEU sera mon Dieu. »
Oubli du monde et de tout, hormis DIEU.
Il ne se trouve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile.
Grandeur de l'âme humaine.
« Père juste, le monde ne t'a point connu, mais je t'ai connu. »
Joie, joie, joie, pleurs de joie.
Je m'en suis séparé:
Dereliquerunt me fontem aquae vivae.
« Mon Dieu, me quitterez-vous ? »
Que je n'en sois pas séparé éternellement.
« Cette est la vie éternelle, qu'ils te connaissent seul vrai Dieu, et celui que tu as envoyé, Jésus-Christ. »
Jésus-Christ.
Jésus-Christ.
Je m'en suis séparé; je l'ai fui, renoncé, crucifié.
Que je n'en sois jamais séparé.
Il ne se conserve que par les voies enseignées dans l'Évangile:
Renonciation totale et douce.
Soumission totale à Jésus-Christ et à mon directeur.
Éternellement en joie pour un jour d'exercice sur la terre.
Non obliviscar sermones tuos. Amen.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION

The year of grace 1654,

Monday, 23 November, feast of St. Clement, pope and martyr, and others in the martyrology.
Vigil of St. Chrysogonus, martyr, and others.
From about half past ten at night until about half past midnight,

FIRE.

GOD of Abraham, GOD of Isaac, GOD of Jacob
not of the philosophers and of the learned.
Certitude. Certitude. Feeling. Joy. Peace.
GOD of Jesus Christ.
My God and your God.
Your GOD will be my God.
Forgetfulness of the world and of everything, except GOD.
He is only found by the ways taught in the Gospel.
Grandeur of the human soul.
Righteous Father, the world has not known you, but I have known you.
Joy, joy, joy, tears of joy.
I have departed from him:
They have forsaken me, the fount of living water.
My God, will you leave me?
Let me not be separated from him forever.
This is eternal life, that they know you, the one true God, and the one that you sent, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I left him; I fled him, renounced, crucified.
Let me never be separated from him.
He is only kept securely by the ways taught in the Gospel:
Renunciation, total and sweet.
Complete submission to Jesus Christ and to my director.
Eternally in joy for a day's exercise on the earth.
May I not forget your words. Amen.

TRYING

i m trying to work on applying self-control and discipline in more areas in my life.

i'm trying to not let God slip from my mind. to let Him occupy my mind more than anything else.

could i written and sung by Kim McMechan (Vineyard Songs 2001) 

"Fall on me" Women in Worship *Live

Could i just sit here a while

know that there's nothing that i need to say

safe in the knowledge that You know my ways

Love me completely, no need to hide a thing

Could i just stay here awhile

Letting You melt away all of my fears

I feel Your comfort when You are so near

I'll hide myself in this shelter You've made for me

Could i, could i

Could i just kneel here a while

Doing what i was created to do

Bowing in reverence, i long to adore You

willingly giving all that i can surrender

Could i just rest here a while

Letting You whisper my burdens away

in all my journeys there's no other place

where i find refuge, strength for my weary heart

could i, could i

oh, Could i just let You wipe my burdens

Could i let You whisper my tears away

could i just let You wipe my burdens away

Jehovah (Yahweh or Lord) The Self-Existent one (Ex 3:14,15)

Jehovah-Elohim  The Lord God, Creator-Redeemer (Gen 2:4)

Jehovah-Jireh The Lord will provide (Gen 22:14)

Jehovah-Rapha The Lord that heals (Ex 15:26)

Jehovah-Nissi The Lord my banner (Ex 17:15)

Jehovah-Kanna The Lord who is jealous (Ex 20:5)

Jehovah-Mekaddeskum The Lord who sanctifies (Ex 13:13)

Jehovah-Shalom The Lord is our peace (Judges 6:24)

Jehovah-Shaphat  The Lord is our judge (Judges 11:27)

Jehovah-Saboath The Lord of Hosts (1 Sam 1:3)

Jehovah-Elyon The Lord most high (Ps 7:17)

Jehovah-Roi The Lord my shepherd (Ps 23:1)

Jehovah-Hosenu The Lord our maker (Ps 95:6)

Jehovah-Gibbor The Lord is mighty (Is 42:13)

Jehovah-Tsidkenu The Lord our righteousness (Jer 23:6)

Jehovah-Shammah The Lord is there or everpresent (Ez 48:35)

Jehovah-Jehoshua-Christos Jehovah's Saviour Anointed (Matt 1:21)

Jesus loves me this I know
Phra ye Su Rak Chan runn Nea,
Phra kam pii mii sarn wai tea
Mea tua chan nan on yon yang
Tea phra Christ son rit khem kheang

Phra Ye su en duu rak chan
Sin phra chon pur perd sa-wan
Doei yom tai bon mai kang ken
Chuie dek tang lai pon bap wen

Phra Ye Su rak Chan nak naa
Pen dang nan tuk wan wa la
Chan phuie long phra one lea hen
Sa det ma ra sa chau yen

Phra ye su rak chan yuu klai
Mi ting khwang ni tang dai dai
Chan ja rak jon tung wan nan
Phra ong ma pa pai sa wan

chorus:
Phra Ye su Rak Chan, Phra Ye Su rak chan
Phra Kam pii sung sorn,
Jung ruu dan nan nea non


God is so good
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Phra jau sean dee
Song ean dee taw chan

it's a surprise but Rocky Master is becoming my fav hang-out n min place. it doesnt play music, there's hardly any business so i can have my meetings n bible studies in a quiet environment!

i need 2 not let God slip from my mind. =)

well, i m busier than i had thought. now i m doing "2 jobs" at least. due to structural and organisation glitch if i can put it dat way. boss and team are very nice about it and have been asking how to lighten my work. may God grant us wisdom to know how to.

during today's prayer meeting. oh after typing dat sentence, i realised i have had few prayer meetings today! ok the med one. God is moving in certain areas pretty clearly. evangelism. He has burdened the MMReps for it. i need to know how to work alongside God on this. need 2 really seek Him for tactical plans.

i need to rest. =)

how did the goal of entertaining come to play such a big role in the christian world when it is not even found in the Bible????
in our bid to follow Jesus, are we sure that our actions show that we are modeling after Him or the world's?

Did Jesus try to entertain people to keep his popularity ratings up? did He use humour to engage people?
did He try to be funny? throw in a joke to spice things up, to keep his audience hooked? did he strive to be known as a funny, cool person?

why do we find ourselves trying so hard to keep the congregation entertained? instead of giving them the truth of the WORD and rely on the conviction of the Holy Spirit to draw them and keep them coming?

Entertainment is such a lousy substitute for joy and meaning. it's giving a bored generation what the world is actually better than us at giving. but what the world cannot give, are we going to give?

Peter Simon answered, "to whom shall we go? For You have the words of eternal life." John 6:6

i juz stumbled upon dictionary.com's word of the day. n it is:
evanescent
ev-uh-NES-unt, adjective,Liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting.

haha. wat a reminder. so many things in my life are fleeting. why am i so caught up with them?
there are those that are eternal, that are worth my while to take time for them. why am i so unwilling to do so?


God has, through the women's retreat, shown me His love and the love of His body. it was such a refreshing time. we so often know... but we dont really KNOW.

God is calling me back to WORSHIP. to reckless, self-abandoning worship of HIM who is the lover of my soul.

we are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies? - Edward Young

you cant have the liver wanting to be and doing the work of the gall bladder.
in the body of Christ, if organisation loses sight of what's God's purpose for it, it begins to copy another. God has called each having its own distinctives. you cant have piracy in the kingdom of God. you'll miss fulfilling your call and you rob another of his. in God's kingdom, we are all complements, not competition. those who do not reap together scatters.

spore table tennis goes into finals FINALLY! was a very good match against the south koreans. feng tianwei saved the day
we ll have to wait till 17 aug for the finals. let s hope for a gold for spore. it s been a long wait. put spore on the medal tables darlings!

was a good off-n-lieu for me. rest, pack table. enjoyed my own company. still got lots. would ve been better if they werent burning the joss papers. had to close all the windows so it felt as if i was also playing a game cos i seemed to be perspiring more than li jai wei. haha.

still coughing. maybe i ll go buy more lozenges. the burning doesnt help. i m v v sensitive. sigh.

postponed my date with the dentist. maybe tmr?? still have phobia even tho i ve been working with them for so many years. it's the thing abt pain and the chair... scary stuff. haha.

can u believe that i actually get carsick when i travel in buses or cabs even if it is a short distance?!!

sitting in coffeebean
pondering about life
intermittently breaking into prayer,
half-dizzy half-brained
nearly desperate, nearly lost
almost recovering almost gone

*disclaimer* this is not a pathetic attempt at poetry. it's juz me typing what is my state right now.

i think i m a proud and arrogant person. sigh...
i m disappointed at my proud arrogant thoughts, attitudes, actions.
how difficult it is to love and to be kind, to extend grace, to be patient.
O Lord, how hard it is to humble oneself. Help me Lord.
what's more difficult is how not to exalt oneself but to remain contrite. Help me Lord.
what a wretched person i m.



so many people are asking me whether You have spoken to me about a career change. like some cyclical thing, i get bugged by numerous job offers and people asking me have i heard from God, has He asked me to move on, what are my plans, how long will i stay in...etc. well, here's my public statement: i havent heard from God about any change in ministry/work. if you think you've heard on my behalf, please do let me know.

We have a God who delights in impossibilities." by Billy Sunday.

quick recap of days passed: (notes for self)

felt "they put burdens on people they themselves refuse to help lift". so wanted 2 quit (24 july)
next day felt uplifted by God. and renewed strength 2 do all the impossible tasks (25 july)
felt next time give a better answer to "how r u doing?" rather than "will be better" or "good" etc. eg"i am finding hard to find rest or keep my sabbath." put into words the struggle of my heart as much as possible. to help yourself and others. (KH asks)
if its ur project/idea, see thru it yourself. dun allow it 2 b sub out. (OIC vids)
lost voice for 4 days. couldnt do OIC presentation, couldnt lead worship today. now coughing like crazy.
the same day i lost my voice, i also fell down n sprained my ankle.
lesson learnt -
God ll vindicate. do your job. if it's not but heaped onto you, watch. God ll vindicate.
my immobility brought new insights into how i could ve caused my own needless energy loss n lack of rest.
i dun think much n juz do if i can do. but my sprained ankle caused me to consider the necessity of a particular action. n hence there's alot i decided not to do. if i was mobile, i wouldnt even have sat myself down to think. then perhaps there's much more on my plate that i dont need 2 do. hmmm...

now starting a brand new week. gave up BSF. or rather finally got kicked out. 3 consec weeks of absence.

focus.

yesterday was my off in lieu. i didnt realise how exhausted i was until i woke up at 5.30PM!! yesh! 5.30pm! i slept more than 15 hours! had planned to have a day of silence and solitude but God and my body conspired against me to have silence n inactivity of another kind. woke up feeling refreshed like i never felt in a long time.

i realised i ve carried around a huge load of guilt and disappointments generated from high standards for self, for ministry for everything. further meditation and reflection got me back to Heb 12:1-2, my freshmen camp's theme. "lay aside every weight..." so that can run properly ah...

need 2 better draw margins... say "NO" so that i can better say my "YES"

working 12 hour days again... need to pace. too crazy b4 sch start. cant imagine how when matric happens!

now, inbetween meetings. went 2 NTUC n did my grocery shopping cos these weeks i end after shop closes. so now i'm a cross between aunty and cosmopolitan white collar wage-earner in BK with bags of groceries beside me, typing furiously away on my macbook n shoving lunch into my mouth...

fix your eyes on Christ, the author and perfector of your faith..........

"Do you seek any further reward beyond that of having pleased God? In truth, you know not how great a good it is to please Him." by John Chrysostom (347-407 a.d.)

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C.S. Lewis

we've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
we've added years to life, not life to years.
we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
we pane more, but accomplish less.
we've learned to rush, but not to wait.
these are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies.
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
it is a time when there is much in the show window
and nothing in the stockroom.
- unknown

if the work you are doing obscures your sense of God, pause.
work not out of fear, worry, stress.
work out of faith, a sense of anticipation of what God will do.
fix your eyes on Jesus.
cant see Him? move to get a better view.

some1 challenged me on something dat i wanted n believed, yet my actions dun really reflect that.

i want people, on hearing a message that i deliver, say, "what a great God!" and not "what a good speaker!"
not technics, not theatrics, not training...
but power, but abiding, but presence of God. so it's about walking close to God.
not work on your tone, your eye contact, your powerpoint presentations etc. you work on knowing the word of God.

if u are running a spiritual race, you dont train in human methods.

i must watch what i put my focus on.

i must relearn to consider rubbish as rubbish.
philippians 3

will b working thru the weekends again. sat n sun retreat. last weekend was games dry run in NUS. next week will be "D" weekend b4 "D" camp! yikes! will have 2 pace myself properly. it s gonna b crazy.
i cant believe how much work i gotta do with more n more "mini" projects coming my way. but wat is amazing is dat i m feeling better abt it.... like a runner warming up to his race in the 5th, 6th km where he ups the tempo. ok steady now, evan...

run the race with perseverance, fixing your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of your faith.

i got my dream band for worship tmr! and we had such a fun time jamming today. they are so good! every single instrumentalist, backup vocalist! my dream band! haha.

God will U come and be enthroned in the praises of Your saints? come Lord, come.

Testify to Love - Avalon


Testify to Love - Wynona Judd in Touched by an angel (psalm 151)


oh i have to keep blogging vids! a Wynona judd's version of one of my fav songs! except the music is 1.something secs faster than the visual. sigh... this contains her testimony too.



blogged the mercy me i can only imagine MV b4 so i shant put it here again.

busy n stressed out right now. so if u r reading this, juz say a prayer for me ok? 

mon, i got a new baby! a white electric guit! n an accompanying blackie - an amplifier. at 1st i was worried abt my buy - that i should ve gotten d other way cheaper one blah blah... but wen i got home n looked at it again, those worries melted away. i made a right choice. a way better guit n amp. u noe, these things seem 2 have a personality, a soul, a life of it's own, n of course, its own voice. buying a guit is a very personal thingy. u gotta connect. n yesh, at home, connected we did. hee hee. it has a great feel, a good tremble sound to it.  N i look good with it! haha. so in everyway, we connected. juz hope i can play it to its best.

i had a guit connection gone wrong b4. yeep gave me an acoustic which was better than wat i had, but i juz didnt click with it. so didnt really pract or sound good on it. i kept going back to my own (d one i had blogged abt dec ago.) so i ve decided to return it to yeep, n rely on the blackie tin helped me buy fr thailand. i hope this blackie wont feel neglected by me tho. i ve been spending time with whitey so far!

m hoping to change the look of this blog for 4eva! but sorry somehow i m not getting to it yet. oh well... juz bear with it longer eh?

i ve been feelin rather scattered this whole week. like i m missing something hence cant function properly. juz cant engage my gears to go into overdrive. i need 2. lots of deadlines comin up. FOC prog, games write-ups, emails, IES OIC storyboard n ppt. 

ok. i noe wat i gotta do now. i d betta spend some time now doing QT. writing this so i d hold myself to it instead of launching back into work. yep. tata for now.

The way we talk about sin betrays our ignorance of the absolute devastation of the sin. - Paul Washer

The way we live our lives/do ministry betrays our ignorance of the God we profess to truly follow. 

i ran my 1st ever marathon! sundown marathon. a misnomer if u ask me. should b called sunrise cos we started off at 11.59pm on 31st may n effectively run till the sun's nearly up. or in my case, when the sun comes up!

was a gr8 run. b4 this i was concerned abt my health cos i had a bad bout of bronchitis which didnt clear for weeks. had residual stuff that worried me abt whether i was fit for the marathon. had a little heart attack scare which my dr put me thru ECG n x-ray. both results being normal, did away with the stress ECG test, n upped my meds. that did helped n he concluded dat he should ve done it earlier so i wouldnt have such a long drawn thingy with the lung infection. so yeah, by the time the run came along, i havent trained and was still a tad worried abt my heart. committed it to God and asked Him if i should run, n if i shouldnt, asked Him to juz stop my stupidity. anywayz, i had peace, n my health was fine. had a gr8 run. i was in pretty good shape. n surprisingly so since i hadnt trained.

then met my fren at ard 19k who said she couldnt go on.she busted her hips n knees said she was v v tired n couldnt go on. i stopped n walked with her. tot since the route was bringing us out of ECP to siglap, kembangan etc, i could walk her till she reaches the road to get a cab. then of course, encouraged her to go on. esp so after she said "hey u r supposed to scold me n tell me not to give up!" so yeah. we walked the rest of the 23k!

pp tell me it is very excruciating not training well to walk in a marathon. i fully agree! walking 23k was no joke! it took SOOOOOOO long! wat could be a 3 hr run become a 6-hour walk. 

PS grimaced in pain every step of the way. after the run we joked n laughed abt it n she said "oh no! u saw my ugly side!" i didnt. wat i saw was her strength. walking 23k, 6 hours in pain is no mean feat. she could ve quit. hailed a cab or took the bus (since we were v much along the roads after the 19k). i wouldnt n couldnt have tahan so long. 

aside fr dat, we had a gr8 time catching up. lots had happened since we last met (3 weeks ago) n tears ran down her cheeks as she recounted the various ridiculous incidents. we turned out walk into a prayer walk at tampines ave 10. then when we were at ave 9 the sky lit up with lightning. b4 long, it poured. we were soaked to the bone. took the opportunity to go to toilet at petrol station as we wait out the downpour. when we finally got out,the rain become a drizzle so we cont walking, our shoes n socks squeshing out water as we went along. 

of course i was in pain after the marathon. but surprisingly, i recovered faster than last dec when i ran half marathon. today d pain is gone. no knee or ligament prob. 

that's y i love to run long dist. reminds me dat life/ministry is not a sprint. it is not a 100m event. u need to last, to persevere, to pace yourself. the run lasts longer than an adrenaline rush. u go thru energy ebbs. fatigue sets in, doubt too. dont rain on my parade? well this time it did. i started running when i was in med min. when i was alone in min. then i realised i needed to learn how to go the distance for God, with pp. 

some lessons i learnt on this marathon:

1. heb 12:1-2. the theme for the camp i m organising. ECP was crowded with campers, teenage "ton-ers", cyclists, pp fishing... sometimes, pp come out fr their tents n shelters as we round close to them and they cheered and clapped. i was touched n reminded of "since we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses..." i wondered abt the true cloud of witnesses who are cheering us on as we run this christian race. dat this knowledge of being cheered on should encourage me 2 run on, 2 run well.i thought about the sin and hindrances. and of course, perseverance. Jesus, for the joy b4 Him endured the cross. i had thought the joy was the medal n the tee. but after getting them, i came 2 admit dat they were but shows of pride. they didnt thrill as much as the thought of getting them did. my true joy was not in them. it was in crossing e finishing line, knowing dat i did the whole distance and did it well. (well not in timing but in attitude and character) and despite me walking to it instead of sprinting to it in past races, the joy was far greater at this one than the rest.

2. a filippino stood by a cardboard as she looked out for her fren. the board blasted, "JO FULFILL YOUR DREAM!" Running a marathon b4 i m 30 is my dream n i was fulfilling it by a margin. but this is a small dream, a by-dream if there's one. i tot abt my dream. THE dream. i tot abt THE dream of those i love. i teared.

3. i rediscovered myself. i like myself again. it's been sometime actually. these past months God was doing a good work tearing "me" down. n now building me up. thru this run, i liked who i was, or maybe who i've become. i liked wat i valued and how i acted. i had thot dat i became this goal-oriented, results-focused person. but He showed me, no. He showed me i was less "self" than i tot. that i do love pp, the process, the journey. i like me! haha. 

hero. love this song. (if u ve been watching this blog for a long time u'd know i ve put up this song many times!) blind basker at simei mrt was singing it so beautifully. 

i can be your hero, baby

i can kiss away the pain

i will stand by you forever

you can take my breath away

non-heros need not apply.

FP - Wednesday, May 28
LONDON (AFP) - - Aid workers and peacekeepers are sexually abusing young children in war zones and disaster zones but their actions are largely going unpunished, a British charity said Tuesday.

"Children as young as six are trading sex with aid workers and peacekeepers in exchange for food, money, soap and, in very few cases, luxury items such as mobile phones," Save the Children said in a report.

It also highlighted instances of rape, verbal sexual abuse, child pornography and prostitution and trafficking of youngsters, many of whom are poor, displaced or orphaned by conflict.

The group said the scale of abuse was "significant". Its findings were based on work with hundreds of youngsters from Ivory Coast, southern Sudan and Haiti, said the charity's chief executive Jasmine Whitbread.

"This research exposes the despicable actions of a small number of perpetrators who are sexually abusing some of the most vulnerable children in the world, the very children they are meant to protect," she added.

"It is hard to imagine a more grotesque abuse of authority or flagrant violation of children's rights."
The charity said "endemic failures" in responding to the abuse that was officially reported were letting down the abused, and better reporting mechanisms should be introduced.

Fear of aid and assistance being withdrawn, being stigmatised by the local community, fear of reprisals, lack of faith in the response or simply ignorance about how to report abuse were also major factors, it added.

Whitbread said the United Nations, the wider world as well as humanitarian and aid agencies have made important commitments to tackle the problem in recent years.

But most had failed to turn their promises into action, she added, calling for all agencies working in emergencies, including her own, to "own up to the fact that they are vulnerable to this problem and tackle it head on".

The UN Department for Peacekeeping Operations was said to be the group most likely to be responsible for abuse. Save the Children said there had been 15 claims against its staff and partners last year, of which three were upheld.

UNPKO spokesman Nick Birnback said it was "entirely unacceptable" that those sent to help the most vulnerable are instead causing grievous harm.

"Clearly a lot more has to be done," he told BBC radio but he rejected allegations that the problem was widespread and those responsible were getting away with it.

"The vast majority of UN peacekeepers all over the world, of which we have over 100,000 now, serve with honour and courage in very difficult situations and don't engage in this unacceptable behaviour," he added.

The reputation of UN peacekeepers has been tarnished in the past by cases of sexual abuse against women, notably in Democratic Republic of Congo, Ivory Coast and Haiti.

In November last year, the UN said that more than 100 Sri Lankan soldiers were to be sent home over charges that they paid for sex while stationed in Haiti.

After turning a blind eye for decades to cases of abuse by its peacekeepers -- the world body recommended in 2005 that erring soldiers be punished, their salaries frozen and a fund set up to help any women or girls made pregnant.

The "zero tolerance" policy towards sexual misconduct includes a "non-fraternisation" rule barring them from sex with locals.

It was brought in after revelations in December 2004 that peacekeepers in DRC were involved in the sexual abuse of 13-year-old girls in exchange for eggs, milk or cash sums as low as one dollar.

YOU GIVE PEACE A BAD NAME

gonna live my life, like everyday's the last...
for no reason why, i cant cry hard enough...

the truth does not alter with your inability to believe

the barrier between your life now and the life you've always wanted is YOU. 

the power to change does not come from you. 

there is no such thing as a self-made man. just because he is successful in his work, probably made more phenomenal by a rags to riches story, doesnt mean he made himself. what he did succeed in making is merely a name for himself. which, he probably likes more than the one given to him at birth. or maybe not. can u imagine calling a tiger, with 100% successful hunts/kills, a self-made tiger? i think "self-made man" is the most used, most delusive paradox. dun get it? think self created creature.

Bernard of Clairvaux(1091- 1153), Sermons on the Song of Songs:
We must not give to other what we have received for ourselves; nor must we keep for ourselves that which we have received to spend on others… You dissipate and lse what is your own, if without right intention and form some wrong motive, you hasten to outpour yourself on others when your own soul is only half-filled.

If you are wise therefore you will show yourself reservoir and not a canal. For a canal pours out as fast as it takes in; but a reservoir waits till it is full before it overflows, and so communicates its surplus… we have all too few such reservoirs in the Church at present, though we have canals in plenty… they [canals] desire to pour out when they themselves are not yet impoured; they are readier to speak than to listen, eager to teach that which they do not know, and most anxious to exercise authority on others, although they have not learnt to rule themselves… let the reservoir of which we spoke just now take pattern from the spring; for the spring does not form a stream or spread into a lake unti it is brimful… be filed thyself; then, but discreetly, mind, pour thy fullness out of thy fullness help me if thou canst; and if not, spare thyself.

Ole Hallesby(1879- 1961), Prayer:
Prayer and helplessness are inseparable. Only he who is helpless can truly pray.

Listen to this, you who are often so helpless that you do not know what to do. At times you do not even know how to pray. Your mind seems full of sin and impurity. Your mind is preoccupied with what the Bible calls the world. God and eternal and holy things seems so distant and foreign to you that you feel that you add sin to sin be desiring to approach God in such a state of mind. Now and then you must ask yourself the question, “Do I really desire to be set free from the lukewarmness of my heart and worldly life? Is not my Christian life always lukewarm and half-hearted for the simple reason that deep down in my heart I desire it that way?

Thus an honest soul struggles against the dishonesty of his own being. He feels himself so helplessly lost that his prayers freeze on his very lips.
Listen, my friend! Your helplessness is your best prayer. It calls from your heart to the heart of God with greater effect than all your uttered pleas. He hears it from the very moment that you are seized with helplessness, and He becomes actively engaged at once in hearing and answering the prayer of your helplessness.

Marva Dawn, The Sense of the Call:

If we lack prayerfulness, then the solution is not to hammer ourselves with guilt that we are so bad at it, but to engage in practices that help us know God. We receive grace best by watching it descend from God rather than focusing on our reception of it.