i havent gotten my tomorrow's message together. not even the bits. n i m wondering if i should be panicking. it's kinda worrying that i m not worried. maybe it's the pub hol mood at work, or the rainy, sleepy weather that's placed a spell, or just maybe i m just too tired after this trying week n my brain's desperately need a break. i'm glad i'm not panicking now cos it'll be so "no-no"... to ask God to give me His message and while waiting i worry my head off. but i must say there is still pricky pokey feeling around me somewhere trying to tempt me to get really desperate. especially when i dont have the night to work on it. well, God pls come thru for me. for Your people. i'm just Your messenger. shant run off without receiving the message. --- sat in wendy's DG yesterday. here's what went on in my head: what i say or do in my DG does have a multiplying effect. it does get passed down. whether good or bad.i was struck at the responsibility yet felt thrilled to see the multiplying effect at work. gotta watch what i do. i began to see the privilege and joy, besides the awesome responsibility of "imitiate me as i imitate Christ" the importance of tranferability is reinforced in my mind. whether what i say n do in discipling others can be learned and passed on well and effectively without a watering down or changing of meaning n message. was thankful that my gals are led and guided by my Lord. what they've learned fr me in DG + their own preparation n Lord's leading = wow! i wouldnt mind being in their DG! so cool huh. it's such a wonderful thing to be involved in God's work, in building into lives and seeing them do it too - disciple others, give messages etc. so proud of my disciples who are spiritual multipliers! what a joy, honour to know them! --- i finally can say i love C.S Lewis! God used his "The Problem of Pain" to minister to me in the area of "resident evil in man", issue of self-will n surrender, about the uniqueness and longings of each soul and heaven! it has been almost like a devotional. i would somehow ponder or talk about an issue, then almost God addressed it in the book! God taught me and brought me to greater depth of understanding. n this went on for about a week. plain amazing. here's my fav part: p150 - There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven; but more often I find myself wondering whether, in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else. You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend to your side who appears to be seeing what you saw – but at first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realize that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported. Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of – something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breakthrough, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat’s side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it – tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear….Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, ‘Here at last is the thing I was made for.’ We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all. [he just goes on n on without breaking for a new paragraph!!!!] …the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you… Your soul has a curious shape because it is hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the Divine substance…Blessed and fortunate creature, our eyes shall behold Him and not another’s. All that you are, sins apart, is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction… God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love. Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it – made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand. …All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of your consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever. …The thing I am speaking of is not an experience. You have experienced only the want of it. The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought, or image, or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself.