so many things happened over the weekend... let's c...

led worship for sat. DISASTER. after the power failure, keyboardist said the keyboard was too soft, the mode was wrong etc. her intro was diff fr wat we pract. i couldnt really hear her... n somehow so absolutely couldnt get the key...went irretrievably wrong.. so i had to stop and tell everyone, "i'm sorry! let's start again!" man dat was so embarrassing!! every1 was so gracious tho. but all i wanted to do was to hide my face!! i look at the Guests-of-honour and VIPs in front n i can juz die! i keep telling myself, "get over it" over n over again but juz cant. so so embarrassed! argh! wat was funny was dat steven seriously said dat he thinks the keyboard was off key!

sun worship. still had the lingering fear... n was very pitchy during the pract. went well. tho oso went off on some notes. But m amazed... so so many people came up to me to say it was very very good. P David n Betty had always said how much they've heard fr God thru the worship sessions. dat it's out of a heart of worship n not 2 perform. Wendy said she loved my sweet voice! i m seriously shocked. cos frankly... i feel i cannot sing. charlotte (charmaine's mom) assuringly said, "can, ur voice can." i told her dat i took up leading not cos i can sing, but cos i felt i can lead. (noe d diff?) n thanks deqi 4 ur encouragement.(since u tagged me, i noe u read my blog!!) i really m privileged 2 haf you as my musician!

anyway this is really out of my weakness... not my strength. n i learnt this- God doesnt always use pp in their strengths... at least for me... it's been despite n inspite of my weaknesses, struggles, scars, failings... warts n all. so dat i noe it's Him... not me. His grace is sufficient.

P david's farewell on sun. will miss them. i ve learnt much fr him n betty's quiet, unassuming, gentle spirit has miraculously blessed me much.

p Raphael is back. it's been so long! 14 years! wow. n his willingness to learn n hear fr me... i m humbled!

congrats lyn!
i m super broke this month n next... n come nov oso... weddings weddings n more weddings! n they have 2 b held in atas restaurants lor! cant believe it! it's like 100 bucks every red packet lah! i m so happy 4 my frens... but my pocket's so aching! n not 2 mention i really need to get a gown! man!

SWATCH, pls read

ok... i MUST blog this.
"there's nothing more i want than for us to be frens. we are, yet we arent! so close yet so far, so familiar yet so estranged. we dreamt abt life's big events n being there for each other. now i guess i juz have to content with cheering you on from a distance. i wrote that previous sentence in the card so long ago. then i knew i didn't understand the full implications... now it's dawning on me. n kinda overwhelming me.

i didn't juz lose a huge chunk of my heart and soul, i lost my best fren.

how long more? havent i surrendered? wat else must i do?

wat happened the last few times worried me alot. i know u ve been trying n it s not easy. n there's nothing else left 2 do but to move on... but it's hard, not to say foolish, to journey on wif an iron ball chained to your foot. pls...

i really do have to leave. again. i m walking out. no words can nail how sorry i m. after all dat we ve tried... u noe we cant be friends. n maybe that's wat u ve been trying 2 tell me. well, let me noe when we finally can.
i pray that u will settle for nothing less than God's best for u. 사랑해요"

any1?

i finally got over the korean fever! watched "my sassy girl" today... it kinda dispelled the DAISY magic quite a bit... got me more sane now... but still m really thinking abt learning e korean lang. any1 interested?

world cup coming...! man.. the last time it was on... we were watching it in GC... i rem watching it on some big screen somewhere wif Peikin last world cup! wah... so fast.. 4 years fly by! me looking for soccer kakis... any1 interested to watch some matches tog?

learn sailing, learn spanish, learn sign lang... any1 interested??

juz came back fr church. had a meeting on sat's CDC dedication. man... was wondering wat i got myself into! lead worship. MP and big shots as guests of honour...! the whole estate will hear my voice! shucks! n the songs r not easy to sing some more... those hymns... to God be the glory lah... God u gotta help!

i really m getting old. cant stand staying up all night! was so so tired today! *yawn*

at the airport!!

heehee... i m in T1 blogging! cool...! heeha...
anyway this is juz to kip me awake... walked in and i started yawning n yawning... n if i rest in those big red armchairs... i ll juz kong off! man, i dun believe... n i tot i was nocturnal... age is catching up! i really can sleep like NOW...! tired lah.... how to dong until the tokyo team go off?!?

anyway.... must say... i wonder.. who will win American idol... missed it cos i was at the 9th Pacific East Asia NCF conference. one stark diff fr a doctors' conference (which i m more used to) is dat 95% were women! where r the male nurses?!

anyway was good... kinda got me excited cos the delegates were in their national costumes... wanted to post those pics up. but c how lah... esp loved those... wah... dunno how 2 spell... i think is papua new guinea... n jap too... n my fasv - the koreans looked so so so good! i think i m still having korean fever! m surprised i even got it in the 1st place...!

ok... here's to me staying awake all night... ganbade!! i really got a duel wif the Zzzz monster leh! hmmm... not a good night to even meet him!

need a holiday

i need a holiday! nothing against MTs... juz need a break. BREAK.

haiz... looking ard for a "silent retreat" place... (ya noe those cannot talk one. haha.. something i m sure u guys din think i m capable of huh?! hee) but the retreats are set on dates i CANT!

wanna go Rome... (see side bar below) even HK would be nice! (yes i happen to LOVE HK!) dunno y i feel ambivalent abt vn. dare not go there even for a hol even tho i kip telling pp i m a gr8 asset to bring along 4 a vn hol!

yesterday mimi was enouraging me 2 go for the vn MT despite it being during matric...'so wat?" she says. 'your students can do it right?' yeah... i cant get into MPSH anyway. but...looking @ my responsibilities think no...

God i so wanna go! but they only give that matric period. also, i, dare not fuel a desire i cannot yet fulfil. i dunno.

work n long term plans aside... i need a hol 2 get me going for the long haul

i wanna learn the korean lang!!!!!
juz realised y it's such a kick watching Da Chang Jin in korean... they say "yeh..." alot! hee hee... (i noe i ego!)

사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해

my Father owns e cattle on a thousand hills...

i was sooo tired... kinda discouraged... so needed to receive something fr the Lord. He knew exactly how to blow my mind!

God really shocked me outta my socks! i sobbed so uncontrollably! He provided for me. He always has. but this one's the biggest shocker so far! thank You Father! i m amazed at the generosity and the decisiveness of the giver and the Giver. (confused? haha... nevermind)

noe this... He is my Shepherd, i shall not be in want... He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides still waters, He restores my soul...

for every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.
I know every bird in the mountains,
and the creatures of the field are mine.
psalm 50:10, 11

i m so tired. juz came back fr ST retreat. was ok. hmm. thanks 4 praying!

i actually locked the keys to our meeting room in when we left 2 attend church service! was so fun trying 2 hook it out from the window! hee hee.

i m so tired. trying to stay awake cos body v used to sleeping 3,4 hours...
i m afraid if i sleep now i'll wake up by midnight! (happened a number of times)... so trying to "dong" till say way later till i drop.

got a few sms over the weekend saying i got a few work mails waiting for me in my mailbox. i refused to check them str after the retreat tho i was in my office anyway. so shall endeavour to settle them now...

last night for "heart of a leader" we took sometime for introspection n retrospection. i realised i really need 2 juz let go of whether i stay or go. n i so need the word. i m SO starved! n i so need a good extended time of worship. last tues went to a rally wif Bu... juz a short time of worship n short word segment n i was SO uplifted. i need SO SO much more!

so 1) need to rest. 2) need to gorge on spiritual food. juz like carbo loading b4 running a marathon... i need 2 load spiritual food b4 i start another academic year. lots lots.

this coming week looms without prospects of both!

pls pray for us...! Servant Team training and planning retreat. pray for me as i attempt to teach everything... pray for clear mind, effective communication. pray for the students to catch the vision, the philosophy, the strategy. pray that we are sensitive to the Spirit as we pray, and plan. pray for wisdom and discernment.

Sat & Sun.

unilateral conjunctivitis!!

britney vid

Gissy was telling abt some Jessica Simpson song. while checking it out, i stumbled upon britney spears vids... which, brought an avalanche of memories... once nearly put 'Everytime' as my ringtone! juz dug up d CD of britney's songs Jansen gave me. haha... listening 2 it now! i m not ashamed of admitting i love britney spears! think she's really a gr8 performer.
those who pray, pls rem to include celebs! they need Jesus!

man! the nocturnal thingy has kicked in after the overnight prayer! haiz... my day's night, my night's day!

mother's day! called n called 2 make reservations! man.. those places i wan dun take reservations! shucks... tmr's gonna b so crowded!

overnight prayer

had an overnight prayer in church. glad i went cos within an hour i felt a refreshment of my spirit... somthing i so desperately need. i felt my spiritual tank being refilled. God's presence was so strong in the place. n i felt there's much breakthru in the spiritual realm re wat we prayed 4. was glad 2 c a number of youths there in the 1st watch. hope to c more next time...

we need to pray. it's the most impt work we can do yet the least done. n we ask y things r so screwed up? or y does revival tarry?

some things dat spoke personally to me: Pastor's devotion on Ps 86
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
psalm 86:11

the song: I serve a God who is faithful. it didn't hit me at first, but we sang this over n over again and then it was a "hammer" moment - a moment when the Holy Spirit has to hit me on the head so dat i can "get it". i then realised that God was telling me something personal thru this:
I serve a God
who is faithful and true
i will hide
in the shelter of your wings
for i find my rest
in Your faithfulness
yes i serve a faithful God
---
i'm surprised God is showing me so much re the church more so since the beginning of dis year. of course it is needed so dat i can effectively lead worship n pray. i guess, i want dat kind of clarity re med min as well.

데이지

got a free tic 2 watch this movie. otherwise i wouldnt ve. well, it's beautiful! n heart-wrenching!!! cried so much i had no choice but to embarrassingly rummage thru my bag for tissue!

i love any movie dat has stuff i love inside. this was oil paintings!!! (outdoor "nature' painting in s'pore very much means the pulaus: my frens wanted to go Ubin... but m not too keen. dun really like the attention one gets painting outdoors; n MacRitchie - which i had done: sianz, i was captive audience 2 retirees, who juz pretty much hang out there the whole day. sat ard me, asked me loads of questions- "u so free 2 paint ah?" tell me their life stories or abt some bro's wife's cousin's son is also an artist... v talented...blah blah...1 uncle told me " i can tell u r a v patient person...fr ur drawing!" he was so darn sure he s right. *shake head* talking's not too bad. but cant stand them coming right up n putting their noses a mere cm fr the pic, or lean so close dat i can kiss him if i ever turn my head so ever slightly... exasperated. "i'm trying to paint here, uncle!") n black tulips! wen i was younger, i told myself i d buy black tulips for myself if i ever go to holland. no use buying them over here. they die b4 i can get home! n yes, u'd fall in love wif daisies watching this.

who cares i dunno who the stars r. ok storyline. gr8 story-telling! liked the way it dabbled w ur curosity then give u answers - wat was dat cop looking @ while she was drawing him? d assassin killed the cop?!?! loved d way u get 2 hear the characters' voices; like u get 2 peek into their souls. loved d way they cut it; giving each char a chance to tell their side of the story, wat happened that caused these 3 char's paths to intertwine... n i ESPECIALLY loved the last scene where people were taking shelter fr the rain. the 3, n d paints being washed fr d palette on2 d ground n the pot of daisies were in full colour while the rest of the frame was in monochrome. beautiful!

juz indulge me. here's the OST n trailer:

s-l-o-w

walking's a huge workout these days. i take 4 times longer walking the same distance these 2 days... even old peeps r zooming pass me! in fact, today, i had a very elderly couple overtake me on my way to the MRT elevator, pressed for it, it came n literally hold the door open 4 me! (they din use the 'door open button'!) was kinda frustrating initially... like walking 2 the bus stop in the hot sun, n seeing it come... pick up loads of passagers... n GO... while i inch slllllooooowwwwwlllyyy towards it! but by the end of monday, i began to juz take it slow n 'smell the roses'. then it really aint dat bad. no point getting mad @ something i cant get round. well, glad the air's fresh in s'pore! =)

i'm lame

outdoor wedding @ fort canning last night. devious wooden planks n red carpet posing as innocent walkways... it all takes a simple twist... gal downed. recovered as swift n gracefully as i could... but ouch!

now i know wat's more painful walking after a fall - walking in heels after a fall!

after lunch, i split n decided 2 sniff out a "die da". wld ve split sides laughing @ how i wince if not 4 e excruciating pain. nearly clawed d sinsey wif my manicured nails! look@ my "zhu jiao"! n yes i m lame! so...?

post GE...

i actually purchased my 1st ever copy of Wan Bao today! i juz gotta read abt it in mandarin!

i'm piffed about:
- some results. haiz.
- i think SOME (hey gotta b politcally right? haha) pp are a bunch of scaredy cats- dare 2 talk, dare not act. dare 2 grumble, dare not put their 'vote' where their mouth is. 2day heard an uncle who wants 2 c more opposition in parliament yet he doesn't want it 2 b fr his constituency! yah yah u juz want others 2 bite e bullet.
- is our PM seriously happy abt e 66.6%?? (stats fr The Straits Times 07/05/06) seriously? i wouldn't. but i m not him.
- the missing opposition. Pasir Ris-Punggol, Tampines and Jalan Besar residents reportedly have yet 2 meet u! tsk! tsk! provide an alternative voice...? frankly... i cant hear u!
- SDA... 1 resident who actually met u said u couldn't articulate ur agenda. 1 of u actually replied "there r 5 of us" to the question "what's ur platform?" oh pls... n btw, u really desperately need to look into renewal

i'm glad about:
- i think we have grown as a nation. in the past, other nations n political scientists snigger at the use of "democracy" on S'pore. dun need to go far... juz sit in PS lectures in NUS n u'll get e picture... well, we are on our way there... we r, we r... (yes i'm an optimist!)
- the interview MM Lee had with the 20-somethings on TV: "my vote matters" (wanted to blog abt it long ago. but din get round to it!) so yeah...thanks, MM!
- i've been lamenting abt s'poreans' political apathy for years (haha... yes i m OLD 4 my age!) this time i c more young adults r getting involved in politics, finding out what is happening, seeking answers, voicing their opinions... yay 2 us post-65ers! i'm glad we are not juz concerned about our little lives & getting along in our careers. cheers also to WP's renewal and consolidation efforts & kudos to d very young WP's AMK team! well done!
- the opposition is more cohesive n coherent this time round. the PAP needs a tougher challenge. they are up to it. it's been real BIG yawn watching weak punches thrown by d opp in past elections.

so yeah... till the next time d govt doles out big $ n we go 2 d polls... i'll chill on d "politik tok"

i'm so glad i finally went n got a manicure n pedicure!!!!!!!! haha... was waiting for 51 after lunch in front of a "hair n nails bar"... wait n wait... then turn n haha! in i went for an express! this has been on my "to do" list for soooo long... n i've been rationalising it away - it's a waste of money, i could do it myself blah blah... well... must say it really is money well spent cos i dun get dat much satisfaction outta 20 buckaroos!

shucks... now i have to match my outfit for HK's wedding to my pink nails! (was supposed 2 b d other way round...!) watever... i ll rummage my wardrobe tmr... now my bed beckons... oh oh... HK's prayer requests!

S'pore goes to the polls! GE2006

this will b d 2nd time i'm voting... last time was on my b'day. i'm so glad i get the chance to. this is how i realised it is indeed precious to be able to have a choice, to take it n choose... no wonder God gave us free will. without it... our lives will be a 'walkover' constituency.

s'pore govt is superb! where will we b without them? have no doubt, i'm pro-govt

i think this year, the opposition has pulled tog. the most candidates fielded. the most coherent n proper bunch since 1988 when i began watching politics. con't to grow guys.

my view on politics can b summed up in the latin quote by Decimus Junius JuvenalisRoman poet & satirist (55 AD - 127 AD):

quis custodiet ipsos custodes? - who will guard the guards??

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” - Frank Outlaw

i think we r all on path to destruction. we kinda self-destruct... seriously.

look at yourself... dun u have times wenu look at yourself n have to admit dat not juz life sux, u yourself sux too? we love to be in control... but seriously... we have to admit we are more often outta control than we'd ve liked. man! wat's d hella wrong wif us??!

we make more mistakes than we've liked. n we tot we'd get it right this time... this time... imean, we keep at it long enuf we wld've driven off the bridge! n we tot being adults we've gotten it together... now we wish dat one day we would... get it all together, dat is... would we?? now, would we?

n we insist that no one should tell us how we should live our lives! like we noe better... do we? if we dun, y is it dat we resist on not hearing out d very One who can show us wat IS better?

Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth and the life..." and "my peace i leave with you... i do not give you peace like the world gives..."

listen 2 the song again... click on the "Who is Jesus?" n find out what else He's said... u really dun have anything to lose...

if u r a Christian n life still sux... u really need get outta driver's seat... n noe dis: http://www.greatcom.org/english/spirit.htm

may day! may day!

today i'm insisting on staying at home! yay!

sorry SL... gotta turn down ur invite 4 shopping @ metro. dun take it personally... as e classic 'break-up' line goes: "it's juz me, not u..."

weighed myself 2day. gained 2 kg! no wonder i cant fit in2 so many clothes anymore! church pp will notice sooner or later dat i wear d same pants 2 lead worship! cos it's d ONLY dress pants i can fit into! i cant go on like dis! must watch or else i'll really need 2 go shopping! (whoa... n u tot i'd jump at d slightest opportunity to shop! haha! actually no money lah...)

so... today's been TV, guit, edit essay (man! was tough! kudos to teachers out there!) DVD - Dark Angel! man... i din noe Jessica Alba is Dark Angel! haha... watched it like in 2000, din noe who she was! shall ve 2 plunge into 2 Tim soon... need it 4 my T-net! jere shouldn't have told me "u can take a few more days if u need..." i'm so de cun jin chi...!

mom made this bitter gourd soup... it's wat i call a sad soup! it's so sad drinking it! hey i love eating bitter gourd.. but that was "bitterest bitter"! n soup's supposed to b nice n 'comforty'... haiz... cant really eat juz dat n rice so i made my own dinner... n still drank the soup nonetheless...

"y do i keep doing dis 2 my nerves...?!"

dat s wat i ask myself every music pract n worship i lead! i get so spooked singing up in front even if the congregation dun get spooked by my singing! really... n u think it'll get better after so many times! ha!

abi tot she'll take a break n not come 4 music pract... n it was a disaster! i usu look 2 her 4 voice coaching... n then i din noe how 2 help d keyboardist wif the songs... i noe a little of wat i wan wif the guit n drums n can help in dat but.. keyboard?!?! yep i noe where all the notes r (as opposed to guit!) but i cant put a piece of music tog! so i juz basically hear the keyboard, i noe wat i wan... but i dunno how to help her play wat i want! so much for trying a hand at music direction! thankfully yesterday, DQ was there so he could help wif guit n drums better than me...

was good nevertheless... quite liked how we handled e music! today vince n abi din come (thankfully she told me earlier so i din panic) but i dunno how 2 wire my amp! so couldnt hear myself. think i went off for "The Offering", n "Give us clean hands" was a key too low 4 me... but e "How great is our God" acapella was simply wonderful! barry backed-up, DQ harmonised... so glad we went ahead n sang it despite me telling e band so last min, n pastor coming up. i nearly juz gave d mic 2 him! immediately after, kimi took my hand n whispered "it was so beautiful...!"(during benediction!)

D said my singing improved. really think u get better (at anything) wif pract..so maybe i shd lift up my dusty piano cover! n oh...K box any1?

really love my sis, bro n mom lor... so supportive! my bro always gives feedback at home - where i went off, wat was gd/bad etc. n these 2 times he tells me i was good right outside d worship hall. he rox!

eternal flame OD

for s sake of my mental health, doc prescribed listening to "Eternal Flame" only once a year, no more, definitely can do with less... i ODed... think it's at least 7 times since fri! 5 times in CBTL on fri's DG... i held up well... but it was d song wen the credits rolled out for "the Sweetest Thing" on Ch 5 tonight... i'm getting fits... wat's wrong wif the world?!