fri a 4-star day!

yesterday was a 4 star day! haha..DG was nearly 5 hours!!! was so shocked it lasted so long!! haha... i wasn't leading... joanne was. n it was a v well prepared, well led one! she asked gr8 questions, gave us verses to ponder upon etc... a healthy discussion...

i feel so happy juz hearing the answers JT, joanne, charlene n Blanche gave... there's understanding! it's right theology! Praise God! it's so cool 2 c faith grow! i could ve done a little dance there n then! n JT kinda got alot of things sorted out... how she's grown! yay yay!

n next week we gonna crash at joanne's pl, haf DG n watch movies! yay!

downed some food finally at 4 plus, reach J's pl at 530. had a hard time going thru essay outlines wif her... was lying flat out on her floor b4 long... tired... was tempted 2 go home instead of e art gallery. glad i went despite.

i was surprisingly in the "zone"! did up the sky n it was lovely! yay! it was like i juz knew wat to do... got the right mix, got the right strokes! even wen i plopped too much oil onto the canvas n did a little shriek, i knew how to rectify! wendy wasnt there so used J's palette knife... my sea became more calm... but still dun quite like e effect tho. i was running out of time so gotta leave it 2 next week...

went 4 supper after. was updating them re last fri how God used J to encourage me thru sms last week... J was telling PH how li hai i was wif her theses... PH asked me if thesis-writing was hard 4 me... it sure isn't... think i enjoy doing such stuff! hmmm.. is dis a sign to do my post-graduate??

n there at Mos, PH shared how her mom came to Christ... so miraculous! n encouraged J re her masters! man... it was so fun listening to her! grinning so wide she kept asking me "y?" haha... wanted to quote her unforgettable quote here... but i forgot wat it was...! was a really cool expression of faith n standing on the victory n authority of Christ. cant believe i forgot!

so fri was a whole wonderful day of listening to faith being articulated! thank You, God!

my mom juz scarred my hp 4 life! she hit something dat hit my hp n it fell fr my table! now my beautiful hot pink hp has a scar!!! SIANZ..........

movies: inside man & take the lead

wat got me outta the silent thingy was this - a movie marathon! met L on mon n she said "2 movies call marathon?!" well... dats how low my standards r these dayz... 2 movies n yes it's a marathon... n not juz dat... it made me REALLY happy! i felt like i got out of a rut n can get on moving! =)

22nd sat... 2 peeps i ve been trying to mit up wif asked me wat i was up to dat day... n i was free! yay! so after church meeting, i went down 2 orchard (in my sloppy 1999 FOC t-shirt, mismatching flip flops n specs. i felt terrible being seen in orchard in those but wat2do? confirmed meeting only after i left my house! ), grabbed dinner n caught INSIDE MAN wif Bu @ 7pm, went NYDC for dessert... dissected d movie (was so good to discuss abt a movie- plot, cinematography, intricacies woven in2 script, directing etc... cant really do dat wif some pp... verdict: we loved it! but juz cant understand d choice of song in the beginning n end of movie... bollywood?!?! so disjointed wif movie! other than dat.. it was a smart movie. cant stand brainless ones), talked abt fan fiction - she writes!!! - n (surprise surprise!) Dark Angel!! i din noe any1 who's watched d series much less loved it like she did! haha... so excited! n was inspired 2 draw Max sitting on d Space Needle! cant wait 4 d DVDs. din noe frivolous (d word bu used) talk was so rejuvenating! felt so so good!! talked till 11.15 then rushed back 2 tampines 2 catch TAKE THE LEAD @ 12.20am wif MZ... on the way back i could feel "me" coming back! yay!

4 d 1st time in her life she was early! man... 15 mins early! *applause*

take the lead was e typical sacrificial mentor -"u can do it", "i believe in u", underdog-steals-e-show... was reminded of how much i LUUURRFF dancing!!! i recalled saying "i miss dancing" countless times these past weeks!! then it hit me - i really DO miss dancing! ( i noe i noe, i'm slow...) friday evenings used 2 b 4 ballet... hmmm...

liked d movie all the way until the end where the competition was... then it felt like crap. diehard ballroom dancing fans really start dying hard here... man! e stuff they do... it's crap ballroom lah...! if i were e judge, i would ve thrown them out! creativity my foot! it was like orgy on the dance floor... totally degraded, defiled (!!) ballroom dancing! arrggghhh!!! irritated...! n the end everyone, even the judges, was doing "street"! man! crap!

there's a reason y ballroom dun mix wif street... juz like classical music dun mix wif funk! imagine jazz mixed with techno... jazz fans will flip! u lose the sophistication, u lose the structure, u lose the movement, u lose the grace!

reminds me of d gal in SO U THINK U CAN DANCE? she wore pointe shoes n did wat really were 'horse stance' n squats on pointe... n said her style was her own kind of ballet... too bad she wasnt sexy or anything. else they'd probably get her do movie sequel of TAKE THE LEAD --"GET THE POINTE?"

playing music vid: I wanna dance with somebody - whitney houston

sunday afternoon @ short peter

c wat c?!?!

super slacker-poser! love dis pic tho!




sarah studying...! jia youz! ..............n lydia shooting me!

speak to the hand!

i m more reclusive than u think i m. in fact, i'm more reclusive than i think i am! (dat s y i like those tests write-ups by the side bar. kinda accurate!) i used 2 think i suffer fr a "terminal" case of verbal diarrhoea... but i juz realised that now when i'm sad, angry, frustrated, more goes inside than out... n i need time (long time!) 2 process. i wish i could juz 'vomit it n get it outta my syst! BUT i cant juz blab like i used to... now i cant tell ya wat's wrong over msn or sms juz like dat... but thanks for asking anyway! appreciate d concern. i need 'down time' and prefer 'face time'. so...

so yeah... i shall end my blog silence... those who ve been faithfully looking out 4 new posts... sorry 2 disappoint! but here's some assurance, i'm back!

ya noe, i went 4 massage... n d masseusse (or therapist, as they r called nowadays) told me dat i m v v heaty! n if i dun get rid of d heat, my heart will burn! guess dats y it's been 'heartburn' time for me d past few weeks!

n wat s more disturbing was re my mother's day present... i m painting a pic (hope it'll be done by then!). my teacher n the gallery owner r art therapists... (how 'conincidental!') n they both saw my painting... their pupils dilated... in alarm. n they took long hard looks at it. i could c their brains churning pages n pages of psychoanalysis. haiz... i oso noe... c'mon, we study d same fraud... opps i mean freud! haha!

my teacher only said, "u look so calm on the outside... but there's alot of unsettledness..." the gallery owner, who crooned "oh... it's gonna b beautiful! i can't wait 4 it 2 b finished!" 2 weeks back, was deep in thought... n wen pressed by me 4 answers, she gave professional uncommitant yadda yadda(which is actually right of her). n said, " i noe this is not finished n i'm sure u'll add details... it's surprising dat the sky is so calm... yet the sea is so rough..."

now i get a taste of my own med!! all those times of psychoanalyzing pp, unnerving n giving them e feeling dat i noe something abt them dat they dunno... well well... how d tables r turned! now i m d 1 getting unnerved!

n my darling teacher who is my faithful prayer warrior sms-ed me later dat night saying she was reading the bible n came across this:

but when u ask him, be sure that you really expect him to tell you, for a doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven n tossed by the wind. - James 1:6

hmm... wonderful huh... so i've been spending sat n sun meditating n reflecting on chap 1... it's so right, so right!

i ve been silent on my blog for 1 week! quite a record! if i ever commit blog AWOL, it s either:
1) i'm swamped wif work. BUSY!!!
2)too messed up to write

this time cos no.2...

haiz... shake head... words arent enuf... they arent suffice... they cant even begin to grasp wat is! haiz...

I know You had me on your mind
When You climbed up on that hill
For You saw me with eternal eyes
While I was yet in sin
Redeemer Savior Friend

Every stripe upon Your battered back
Every thorn that pierced Your brow
Every nail drove deep through guiltless hands
Said that Your love knows no end
Redeemer Savior Friend

Redeemer, redeem my heart again
Savior, shelter me from sin
You're familiar with my weaknesses
Devoted to the end
Redeemer Savior Friend

So the grace you poured out on my life
Will return to You in praise
I'll gladly lay down all my crowns
For the name of which I'm saved
Redeemer Savior Friend

"If Jesus Christ is God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him." - C.T Studd

Love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul, my life, my all....

haha... dis was wat kept me occupied 2nite!

inspired by a comic artist... a comment by her went something like: "u can do it too"... so decided 2 gif it a shot at copying her piece. wanted to do in graphic pens... but dun have... they so x! last time draw comics burned hole in pocket! must save up!wanted to do it in pencil... but wanted some colours to perk me up. n her original was done in colour pencils... so today 2 1sts!

1) 1st time drawing animae. never really fancied animae... so this kinda kicked start me.

2) dun like colour pencils since it is the medium i am worst at! i prefer softer mediums like pastels, charcoal... but after today... i wanna get a proper set of colour pencils! wat i used today r remnants of my bro's childhood!

thank you Sakura! n... was drawing to d cd joanne W gave me... animae songs... haha... got me soo in the mood! so thanks joanne! n thanks krys for shrinking this for me!

books i m reading concurrently:
- The ultimate make-over:becoming spiritually beautiful in Christ by Sharon Jaynes
- Under the Duvet (hilarious movel by Marian Keyes)
- Broken Children,Grown-up pain (understanding e effects of your wounded past)
- Psychiatry for Doctors. (cant believe i ve been reading this like 4 e longest time! juz dun ve d motivation despite all dat has happened!)
- the Runners Book of Training Secrets

i should be able to finish the top 2 books by tonight!

writing paper on:
- Develop a thesis on why you think society needs to be concerned for the development of mental illness. your paper is to be entitled "My philosophical belief in the causes of mental illness in modern society." just began my readings on it... so not a piece of cake!
- thinking abt doing one on grief since juz did course n i have ample real life cases at hand! too good to let up tracing their progress.

it's kinda uncannily "coincidental" (it's in inverted commas cos i dun believe in coincidents... i believe in... well read my previous posts!) dat it's gonna b like the 3rd psychiatric TB i'm reading, my recent developments in extended family, n current (f n y) situation dat this thesis actually even lands in my lap! hmm...

a word on grief:
tonight's episode of Grey's was on pain. the emotional pain? grief. and a patient asked Izzie how to deal with her grief... she answered "i wish i'd know". well, i hope all my docs-to-be and docs KNOW how to answer dat question.

so totally pissed!!!

arrrgghhhh!!!

highlight of my day

XL bought me a book! she s one of those (actually my only fren) who meticulously wraps books. she presented me a nicely wrapped "Going the Distance: How to stay fit for a lifetime of ministry". i was so excited! if i were to go into a bookstore to pick a book, this is the book i'd pick! n of course in her usual clinical, succint, pointedness, her note reads: "For you. continue to go the distance for the Lord." means so much... not juz cos she s so terribly dear to me... know me for more than half my life! but also the pertinent message of d book (dun get me started on dat! i got lots to say!)

the write-up behind says: "the Christian ministry is not a sprint; it s a marathon, a long term race, requiring noy just inital enthusiasm and ability, but staying power."

haha... i always say my min is a marathon... coming to med got me started liking long distance running... (sprinting dun work here). when i was younger, i hated running... i'd run my 2.4 in sprints n walks... which really doesnt work dat well. sure i get my "A" (now was it A or gold? cant rem!) but by yr2 in JC... XL always overtakes me ard 1.4... she starts slow... runs consistently n picks up her pace as she goes... n i m left eating her dust.

well well, as it turns out... this evening's weather is great. juz woke fr my usual sunday recharging nap... n was feeling to lazy to run... n was doling out excuses... now dat i ve blogged this... think i should be changing into my running gear... ifnot, i wont be ready for my half m at the end of d yr... need to keep my end in mind! so ciao for now.

eclectic

krys juz asked y i havent blog abt dis yet. so i might as well do it now...

Rachel said yesterday at DG @Millenia TCC: "you are an eclectic mix"
"of...?" i enquired
"of.............. emotions." n adds, "dat's d best word i can come up wif now"
fair enuf assessment. blog worthy.

e·clec·tic ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-klktk)adj.

-Selecting or employing individual elements from a variety of sources, systems, or styles
- Made up of or combining elements from a variety of sources
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

adj : selecting what seems best of various styles or ideas
Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

faith

LOST 4 8 15 16 23 42
in today's episode:
Lorke: why is it so hard for you to believe?!
Jack: why it is so easy for you?
Lorke: it's never been easy!!

belief aka. faith is never easy...
we human beings, left on our own, like to take the path of least resistance... like water dat finds the path of least resistance n goes down into the ocean... we go down... we degenerate instead of grow.

taking faith steps is likened to "taking the plunge" cos it's never easy.
no one likes the idea of free fall (without the bungee attached, dat is!). people usually ends up in a gross "splat!" (trust me i noe!)

Christian life is a life of faith. "for without faith it is impossible to please God.." Heb 11:6

grab every situation that presents an opportunity to act in faith. faith is like a muscle, u dun use it, u ll get muscle atrophy. every opportunity to shrink away from acting in faith weakens you. dat's y it seems easy for some people to exercise faith and others struggle. it takes practice!

from my colleague's newsletter who is serving in Japan now:
"When you have to decided between 2 paths- always choose the one that requires FAITH, that requires you to CARRY THE CROSS. Then you know you are on the right path. Becos that path is one where you know you can ONLY DEPEND ON HIM. You CANNOT NOT DEPEND on Him."

Grey's Anatomy

http://abc.go.com/primetime/greysanatomy/

i defected from watching CSI to Grey's! man... rem i blogged abt how excited i was abt CSI Las Vegas coming back on Ch5? i havent even watched a single episode cos i moved my TV day fr tues to mon! LOVE this series! any1 got the DVD? pls pls lend!!

realise how TV drama has become more didactic these days? they have strong storyline revolving ard theme that is introduced in the first minutes by narrator. they teach u abt life, n they tell u dat (esp in their conclusions). they ve turned philosophical!

i like that, except sometimes while we sit there agreeing with wat the narrator is saying, we need to know that the wisdom is dat of the world nonetheless and we need to sift thru it wif values and principles in the Word. i'm not saying that u need 2 disagree with wat s said in. wat i m saying is that we need 2 b clear of wat we r taking in... cos if not, we Christians are quoting, and living out the wisdom dat really is fr the world instead.

always been left "Huh?"-ing re the cases n watching last episode, i resolved to know those things that flew past my head... so tonight i checked out the medical cases in Grey's.

Kalpana's illness: Munchausen's Syndrome. another PSY!

• It's a type of psychiatric disorder or mental illness. Those who suffer from it either fake or embellish disease symptoms and seek treatment for those diseases.
• Most people with Munchausen's fake physical ailments - but, some pretend they have psychiatric disorders - like schizophrenia or OCD.
• It's named after Baron von Munhausen, an 18thC German officer who spun tall tales about his life n accomplishments. In other words the disease was named after a notorious liar.
• Those afflicted will lie about symptoms, or make them up, in order to get doctors' attention. They'll also create symptoms by harming themselves (Kalpana took pills to produce heart arrhythmias) or falsifying test results (i.e. - adding things to urine samples).
• No one knows why some develop Munchausen's.

Doctor's suspect Munchausen's when their patients:

• Recite textbook definitions of symptoms and know an unusual amount of medical terminology (Kalpana regurgitated her symptoms to Stevens in textbook style, to which a surprised Stevens asks, "i thought your Ph.D's is in ____pharm. how is it that you are so familiar with ____ pharm?")
• Get better - then decline inexplicably
• Have multiple surgical scars
• Suffer fr stronger symptoms when no1 is present to observe
• Are almost eager to have invasive testing and procedures
• Tell a dramatic medical history with inconsistent details
• Won't allow Dr 2 speak with their family or previous Drs

The great irony of Munchausen's… those afflicted with it are willing to undergo extremely invasive procedures and tests to treat or diagnose their fictitious ailments. HOWEVER they refuse to acknowledge or be treated for the ONE condition they ACTUALLY HAVE - Munchausen's syndrome.

God-incidences. thank u Za!

mon night(technically tues 4th april cos it's 1.45am) after blogging, did QT. somehow by some God-incidence, i did Psalm 40... felt God speak to me thru it. said it as my prayer to God, claimed it for my circumstance...

still kinda sad in the day... hence the previous blog entry. was msn-ing Za in the middle of it... her empathy helped me release the pent up sadness... a simple "i understand" n "hugs". finally could bawl. (i always prided myself for being able 2 shed tears on demand... hey i got A for theatre of course lah but wen it comes to real thing... it takes a bit longer n much more sadness 2 cause the dam 2 break.)

then today, she sms-ed me to say *scrambles for hp*: "i was reading Ps 40 and prayed that for u!" wah...! m amazed! THANK YOU GOD!! so God-incidence! (u noe how many verses there r? wat r the odds?!) felt so encouraged...

told her... then got this in reply: "God is amazing eh. why dun u ask God for a verse to encourage me!"

hmm... i'll do dat... but God may not use the same method to encourage u as He did me... nonetheless He'll amaze us by doing beyond wat we can ask or ever imagine. thank you, darling, for how u always seem to understand; how u knew i needed a hug so desperately; how u allow God 2 use u to uplift n encourage the downcast. i love u

for Psalm 40 and other verses fr the bible, u can go to: http://www.blueletterbible.org/

how sucky can it get?!!!!!!!!! i m now sitting in my office drenched! i juz wiped myself dry with my jeans lest i catch a cold. man.. of all the days i carry my umbrella wif me... today i didn't!

sadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsadsad

well, it could ve been worse. i could have struggled to bring back 100+ lose magzines myself in the pouring rain... i got a ride fr Josh. i m wet cos the rain's juz too torrential! the response of the distribution of the DVC mags could ve been worse... it was better than the M4 distri... frieda came to help wen i said i may not have enuf pp to give out... today's staff meeting... was a closure for AN... m reminded n m grateful for how i ve been blessed by their friendships. c so many things to give thanks for despite all the suckiness. for that i m thankful.

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
-Blessed be Your name (Matt Redman - Where Angels Fear to Tread 2002)

i cant believe it but i m still grieving. y m i so surprised? i studied it as a undergrad... n i juz did a continuous professional education course on "Understanding & Attending to grief & loss"! i'm supposed 2 b competent at grief counselling for goodness' sake! y m i so surprised? maybe cos i'd prefer 2 neatly fold it away after taking a long hard look... but alas... it's staying. staying longer than i would ve liked.

so... counsellor, counsel thyself.

Denial is not a river in Eygpt. it's an ocean! u could drown in it

nope... i need the Wonderful Counsellor Himself.

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." John 14:16-17

of poems, apples n bananas

slept only 90min b4 going 2 church this morning... thot i d die... din!

D showed me e poem her darling wrote her titled 'Cognitive Dissonance'. wah... was so impressed! so moved! asked 2 publish poem or part of it on my blog. she paiseh... pending Yuppie reply... y cant i find a guy who writes poetry?! y they cant sing, cant write, cant dance?!?!?! n people ask me y i m still single?!?! *sulks* (no lah... dat's not my criteria. i m not dat shallow! er.... yah!i'm not dat shallow) D told me no need guy write, i write for my muse lor...

write? i refuse
no longer enthuse
wat's d use?
lost my muse
now a recluse

haha... had such a gr8 time after youth! juz dunno y we were in such a K song mood... sang Deng Li Jun's songs, "i don't wanna close my eyes...", weilun started singing "dang ni gu dan"... me took guit fr yanquan n played... then played "tong Hua" (e song he kept singing during announcements) d others joined in... so fun!

went swensons' cos yanquan wanna treat... he going 2 serve God n our country dis sat! i noe i said it alot of times juz now... but... THANKS Yan Quan! b assured of our con't prayers! go in the courage, strength, wisdom and favour of our Lord.

shared food wif charmaine, shared apple crumble wif An Ee... playing wif spoons, getting all psyched up abt dessert. here the story unfolds...

[comes by with the hot plate]
waitress: apple crumble?
[evan n An Ee signal to her. waitress places hot plate on the table n then pours bananas in, then the syrup. evan n An Ee look shocked]
An Ee: er.. apple crumble?
waitress: yah, apple crumble. [notices it's NOT apples but bananas on the plate] EH!!!!

i can still remember e look on An ee's face (which i think mirrored mine). he looked incredulous. we laughed n laughed. hey guy, (who insists, n i concur, dat we both ve e same gr8 taste!), if u cant stand having same msg ringtone... u change lah! haha... =p

some delightful mouthfuls later...

Charmaine: [takes spoon fr evan's hand, scoops apple crumble, feeds evan. says in a serious tone] you were the apple of my eye...
[evan's eyes wide with alarm, eats the crumble. Charmaine, scoops crumble n continues] you are the apple of my eye... you will always be e apple of my eye... until the end of time...

errr... next time, i'll juz go for the banana crumble.

usually i'll walk home from d outside bus stop or fr interchange. but when i got off the bus, i felt led 2 take the 2nd bus which stops beside my blk. my bus had barely moved 10m fr the bus stop when it poured! tho i had umbrella i would still be soaked 2 d skin if i had walked! i reached home wif umbrella unopened in my hand cos got sheltered walkway to my blk.. thank God. guidance comes in small ways, 4 small things too!