Sunday, July 19, 2009

leaving tonight for Lebanon. feeling v sleepy. my flight's at 3am! sigh... i dun want to sleep now n then later cant sleep on the plane. 
 
"He has great tranquility of heart who cares neither for the praises nor the fault-finding of men. He will easily be content and pacified, whose conscience is pure. You are not holier if you are praised, nor the more worthless if you are found fault with. What you are, that you are; neither by word can you be made greater than what you are in the sight of God." - Thomas a Kempis

met ZL today. v interesting. i'm beginning 2 c how Hilter and NK's regime can con't so brilliantly. some men die to lead, others die to follow. *in Jerry's tone* to each his own.

i noe my posts have been rather disappointing these months. sorry. will do better once i leave my job. LOL. 

Saturday, July 18, 2009

thanks YW for smsing n calling to ask abt my "worthlessness" bout. 
i think it is merely growing pains coupled with lots of stressors. no worries abt depression. cos if anything it's too exciting for me right now. 

"Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. peace does not dwell in outwards things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on HIm who has all things safely in His hands." - Elisabeth Elliot.

now i m alone in my office. trying 2 prepare for my talks etc for my work trip this coming week, n awaiting tonight's nursing grads min meeting. a good 3 hours to myself 2 get some work done. praying for effectivenes n peace. =)

Friday, July 17, 2009

i have been very stressed out lately. it's becoming apparent there's quite a bit to be done b4 i fly off to the US.
o yes, i'm leaving on a jet plane... to study. 
i'm trading my work for a christian brand of "hogswart sch of magic". sigh... u noe i dunno harry potter wen i dunno how to spell his sch! hee hee.

anyway, pray for me as i go to the Middle east for a work trip. it's the main cause of this stress. up until now i have yet to be able to prepare for it! ARGH! N I'll leaving on sun night! 

also been hit by a huge spell of worthlessness. yes, i, too get those terrible spells. and it's during such stressed out  and worthless state makes focusing on the things at hand- not just the physical to-do lists but the spiritual battle that is going on - difficult. makes me focus on self( what's going on inside) way too much. 

hmmm... blogging this reminds me once again why i got into blogging in the 1st place: catharsis. n there's more clarity in doing so. i have not been blogging n in such states, journaling is so much harder.. typing is faster n hence it's easier to keep up with my messy thoughts. "easier". not totally able to. 

so, this time, this typing out helped show me the very blaring n vital thing i need 2 do tmr. inbetween my appts, instead of focusing on the many things to do.... i shall do that ONE thing that is needed. n to aid me doing this one thing, i shall not bring out my laptop. 

makes it all the more convenient cos i m doing camp rece tmr evening. lugging my laptop sure isnt a good idea. 

n u must be thinking isnt it simple? yeah... but it wasnt so clear until just now! i had thot i needed my laptop for the many things to get done. but i m convinced i shant. sigh.... i really need to blog more.... blabber on more so that there's less clutter in my head. 

there u go... thank u.
u have been such a great psychotherapist. =)
i'm going to sleep now. 
cheers! 

Saturday, July 11, 2009

from a friend who forwards LOTS of stuff to me... i was actually blown away by this. praise the Lord! 

check out the youtube interview:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmTiqcIbXrw

website link:
http://www.venusmagazine.org/cover_story.html

A Lesbian's Deliverance
By Charlene Israel


CBN News June 23, 2007

After 29 years as a gay activist, former lesbian magazine publisher Charlene Cothran stunned the
homosexual community when she announced she had become a Christian. She has renounced her
homosexuality, and changed the format of her magazine to spread the Gospel to the gay community.
As a gay rights activist, Cothran was never afraid to fight for what she believed in. For 30 years, she
was as vocal and in your face as they come. She organized and marched with other lesbians in gay
rights parades. And as editor-in-chief of "Venus" magazine, a national gay and lesbian publication,
she wasn't about to change -- until something happened at a gay pride celebration that she never
expected.

"In 2003, I was in Chicago at a gay pride event, in the middle of this beautiful park," Cothran recalled.
"I took a panoramic view, and as far as I could see there were men with men and women with women,
all just partying and having a good time. But a shame fell on me, I felt so out of place. I knew
something in my spirit spoke that, 'this is that road that leads to destruction, and you're on it.'"

It took several years to come to terms with this vision, and during that time Cothran continued to
publish her gay and lesbian magazine. But she couldn't escape the message she'd heard that day in
2003. She said, "I kept myself busy with marches and activism and public appearances. But in the still
of the night when everything is over, there was still that little voice, "You're not right with God."

Cothran says she longed for peace, but even in the midst of a long-term relationship, she felt intense
loneliness. She'd grown up in a Christian home, and had come into the lesbian lifestyle at 19, after
several bad relationships with boys. "I didn't want anything to do with men anymore," she said. "I was
away at college and that was a whole new world, and in that world there were many, many women
who were attracted to me, and, of course, I was attracted to them. And these women were nurturing,
wanted to get to know me intellectually -- they were organizers whom I found a lot of comfort in. It felt
good, it felt right."

But it didn't feel right anymore. Then in June 2006, local Pastor Vanessia Livingston of Miracle
Deliverance Church called Cothran, regarding an article in one her publications. She didn't know
anything about Cothran's life and proceeded to talk to her about God. Livingston asked Cothran,
"What are you going to do about your life?" Then she told her, "'You need to get your life together.'
Cothran said, 'I'm in the life.' I said, 'Yes, I know, that's why I'm talking to you, but you don't have to
stay in the life. You can be delivered today, right now, right where you are.'"

They talked for awhile and Cothran remembers her words: "I can tell that you want to come back to
God, but you feel unworthy, you feel that God can't use you because you've been marching and
publishing and you've been such a proud lesbian all these years, but that's not true. He's waiting."

That day changed everything for Charlene Cothran, as she finally asked Jesus Christ to come into
her heart and forgive her. It was a personal transformation that she immediately wanted to share
with her gay and lesbian followers. She wrote a front page article in her magazine called, "Redeemed!
Ten Ways to Get Out of the Gay Life, if You Want Out.

http://www.venusmagazine.org/cover_story.html
*Redeemed! 10 Ways to Get Out of the Gay Life, If You Want Out by Charlene E. Cothran, Venus Magazine Publisher *

"When the Lord saved me, I knew everything would change," she said. "All of the ads, the editorials,
the mission of the magazine had changed. We're going to be calling people out of homosexuality."
Most of the response from the gay and lesbian community has been fierce and negative. But she
says she knows that many of them are just as conflicted as she was.

Cothran said, "In order to fill up this empty space, they pretend to put on this wonderful face,
'how gay and happy I am,' when in fact -- there's a lot of loneliness in the gay community that's not
talked about, and it's real." But there has been positive feedback as well. Cothran says she gets lots
of e-mails from people who say they struggle with homosexuality and want out.

CBN News asked Cothran, "I know people probably ask you, do you still have feelings for women,
and are you dating a man?" Cothran replied, "I'm living a celibate life. I'm so focused on the
spirit right now, that I have no urges for anyone -- man or woman."

With a new outlook about herself and life, Cothran is still on the frontlines of the gay rights battle,
only now she sees it as a spiritual fight to lead others to the freedom she's found. "Our mission now,"
she said, "is to educate and to turn people away from the homosexual lifestyle simply by presenting
the truth. We simply want people to question what they've learned through the pages of Venus
magazine over the past 13 years."

Prior to Cothran's conversion, Venus circulated about 35,000 copies per issue which ran four times
a year. But after the issue featuring her testimony, the gay political machine pressured advertisers
to drop the magazine. And gay pride events and college campuses no longer subscribe. But in her
own words, Cothran has no regrets about her change.

She said, "There is a joy and a peace that you can't find in a club, I don't care how good the music is.
You can't find it in the middle of a gay pride parade, I don't care if you have the biggest, prettiest float.
I have a joy and a peace that I wouldn't trade for anything."

Over the past 29 years of my life I have been an aggressive, creative and strategic supporter of gay
and lesbian issues. I've organized and participated in countless marches and various lobbying efforts
in the fight for equal treatment of gay men and lesbians. I have kept current on the issues and made
financial contributions to those organizations doing work about which I was most passionate. As the
publisher of a 13 year old periodical which targets Black gays and lesbians, I have had the opportunity
to publicly address thousands, influencing closeted people to 'come out' and stand up for themselves,
which is particularly difficult in the African-American community.

But now, I must come out of the closet again. I have recently experienced the power of change that
came over me once I completely surrendered to the teachings of Jesus Christ. As a believer of the
word of God, I fully accept and have always known that same-sex relationships are not what God
intended for us. I don't expect that this message will be widely received, quite the contrary. But, I do
know that there is someone, possibly reading this very article, who is tired and unhappy living this way.
Someone, in your heart of hearts, is searching for a way out, but you just can't seem to break free on
your own. I am speaking to my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who want real peace; the kind
you've heard about, sung about, read about. It is simpler than you think to acquire it and there is no
condemnation once you've entered it.

Although I have lived as a lesbian for my entire adult life, it is without a doubt my soul's purpose to
use my gifts to LOVINGLY share the truth about how we got here: how we came to be gay or lesbian,
how we came to enjoy our 'lifestyle' and how we came to believe that this was OK with God.
[Romans 1:21-28]

Many argue that each individual should determine for themselves what God intends for him or her.
This would indicate that we each have a separate set of biblical rules to live by. This is untrue. If you
are ready for change and willing to open yourself to the truth, God's love can bring your current
belief system in line with His Word. Jesus will cleanse and forgive all confessed sin from a willing heart.
Homosexuality is only one of them. It is no greater sin than any of the others, but it is sin.

By now you're asking, 'Has she lost her mind? My answer is NO. I didn't lose it, I gave it away!
In fact, I traded it in for a new one! [Romans 12:1-2]


*ONE TUESDAY MORNING*

I was minding my own business one fine New Jersey morning when I received a call from a local
pastor, the Rev. Vanessia M. Livingston. I had never spoken to her previously. She was calling to
add a statement to an article about her gospel group in another paper we own called the "Kitchen
Table News".

I don't remember how we got on the subject of salvation but she could not have known how much
I had been struggling with trying to reckon my spiritual upbringing with my lesbian lifestyle. My
stiff-necked resistance to the truth arose in me as she ministered. I honestly figured that if I simply
mentioned the 'L' word that she'd drop the phone, anoint it with oil and that would be the last I'd hear
from her. But that's not what happened. The pastor prophetically confirmed what I've known for years,
'one day you will come out of the world and bring many gay and lesbian souls out with you.' She
asked if today was the day that I would choose but I said no. I felt the power of conviction upon me
as she spoke but I resisted and hardened my heart against the truth as I had done many times before.
I was not willing to hear her or give up my all to God, especially knowing that I had a confirmed
speaking engagement scheduled the following week at the Schomberg Center during New York City
Gay Pride.


*HAVE MERCY*

As I blurted out that I was a proud card-carrying lesbian, the pastor reminded me that God's mercy
allowed me to survive my experiences as He developed my gifts, all as a part of His plan to lead
others to Him, others who will not perhaps hear her or other ministers who have not LIVED this
experience.

She could not have had a clue about my encounters with the mercies of God. Mercy had indeed
covered me during those dark 1993 days when my good friend Venus Landin, for whom this
magazine is named, was shot and killed. I recalled how I went with her to her ex-lover's home to
recover her things, how the woman had built a fire using Venus' precious journals as fuel, how she
burned her clothes and how the flames and debris had fallen out of the fireplace's box and were
ablaze along the carpet.

I remembered the look on the woman's face and in her eyes. I know in my heart that she had
intended to murder Venus that night but she did not expect me to arrive with her. There, I stood at
the very gates of hell. Given her state of mind, there was no reason for the woman not to have killed
us both, then turn the gun on herself as she did Venus a week later. When I received the call that
they were both found dead, I knew instantly that mercy had covered me, but why?


*I YIELD*

The spirit of God spoke directly into my soul and said you will choose this day who you will serve and
if you make the wrong choice, I will allow you to drift so far away from me that you will never hear my
voice again.

I gave God my heart and soul in the parking lot of the mall, right there in my car. A river of tears
flowed as Jesus washed me and forgave me and redeemed me for His work. I intend be just as 'out'
about my transformation as I was about my lesbian life. I have given every gift I have back to God,
including VENUS Magazine. The target audience will remain the same but the mission has been
renewed. Our new mission is to encourage, educate and assist those in the life who want change
but can't find a way out. My brother, my sister, please follow me out of this.

1. Establish and accept for yourself that God's Word is true AS-IS.
Do not allow gay theology to divorce the Old testament from the New or the written words of the
Apostles from the spoken words of Jesus Christ. This is a good trick, but its no longer working
because God is preparing to bring millions of gays and lesbians back to His feet. He has already
chosen many of us for this specific purpose and He is waiting for YOU to accept His call.


2. Seek the truth within the Scriptures about homosexuality and it will be revealed to you
as you read and pray.
Know that we were NOT born this way. This myth was fashioned by the gay establishment as a
basis for changing laws in favor of gay rights. Again it works for their purposes, but it is biblically
UNTRUE. There is no way that anyone, without an agenda, can come away from the bible with an
endorsement by God of the gay lifestyle. Gay theology starts with an agenda ['Let's make the bible
say gay is O.K.'] in order to arrive at its conclusions, but it is a lie.


3. Do not resist God's call on your life.
Get alone with God and let Him minister the truth directly to you. That conviction you feel is a gift
to keep you near the cross. If you keep resisting Him and hardening your heart, He will eventually
stop calling you. You can then have a great time fulfilling all the fantasies of the flesh without
feeling a thing, but what awaits you at the end of such a life? [Romans 2:28]


4. Know with certainty that you are loved by God exactly where you are and that your
experiences are of great value for kingdom work.
I had BEEN tired, but the enemy kept my mind trapped for years by convincing me that I could not
be of any real use to God having lived as an openly gay publisher, but that was a lie.


5. Say Yes.
That's really all it takes to accept the truth which is accepting Jesus Christ. Pray this prayer of
repentance with me now.

"Lord, I'm coming to you because I believe your Word and I need your help. I can't change myself,
I've tried. Please forgive me for every thing I've done that did not glorify you. I believe that you ARE
the Word, I believe that Jesus IS your son, I believe that He DIED for my sins, and BECAUSE I believe
this, I AM NOW SAVED BY YOUR GRACE. Thank you for saving me! Amen."


6. Make your salvation real.
Keeping the good news of your personal salvation a secret is another trick the enemy uses to buy
time as he tries to pull you back to your former life. We must believe with our hearts AND confess with
our mouths. You don't need to 'out' yourself but clobber the enemy by immediately sharing your
testimony with SOMEONE about how the Lord has revealed the truth directly to you; about the level
of joy and peace you now have which you could not reach without full repentance; about the
welcomed change this brings in your life, and all the wonderful things He has done for you.
[Romans 10:9]


7. Experience paradise NOW!
Consult God first, then go ahead and live your life! Welcome new friendships, start that new venture,
expand your experiences, obtain nice things, just don't put them before God. Enjoy your life to a new
degree, without the burden of sin AND with the confidence of ALL of God's promises on your side!
It is totally possible to live for God in this present age and enjoy yourself immensely. When I say live
for God I mean totally 'sold out' for God. But you cannot be 'sold out' for God and live a gay/lesbian
lifestyle at the same time. [Titus 2:11-12]

It's possible to have a BETTER time than you did in the clubs, in the parks, BETTER than all those
secret encounters with folks whose names you've long forgotten, BETTER than your long-term
relationship, BETTER than all your priceless possessions, BETTER than money! Most of us have
experienced some of this AND WE WERE STILL MISERABLE. But thanks to God's mercy and saving
grace we don't have to wait years and years to get to heaven to experience paradise. The earth is
the Lord's, the fullness thereof, the world, and they that dwell therein. Enjoy God's earth, now.
[Psalm 24:1]


8. Walk Carefully or 'circumspectly' as the Scriptures describe.
This is about being careful to keep your spirit clean and fresh. Prayer, along with reading and hearing
the Word AND seeking ways to apply it to your daily life is the way to STAY saved and delivered from
any sinful habit.

Isn't it interesting that we sometimes give our garments of clothing more care than we give our very
souls. When we put on an outfit, we're so careful not to lean against anything that might soil it.
We protect it while we're eating so as not to get a spot on it. We sit in such a way to prevent it from
wrinkling. Treat your soul's salvation with at least this much care. [Ephesians 5:15-16]


9. Have fellowship with believers.
We know that the church has largely failed gays and lesbians by not being a welcoming place for
those who have sought spiritual change. The invitation to 'come as you are' seems to be extended to
everyone but us. However God has people everywhere who are open, real and willing to walk out with
you. Ask the Lord to lead you to a loving, caring, bible-believing fellowship where you can be nurtured,
be blessed, grow AND be a blessing. [Hebrews 10:25]


10. Stay in touch.
We'd love to hear from you! If this article has helped you, please let us know. Also, if you'd like to
share YOUR testimony with VENUS readers, email us at editor@venusmagazine.org