Hear us from heaven - Ross Parsley


Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breathe life into these dry and thirsty souls

Lord hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would you make this a place
For Your glory to dwell

Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Hear us from heaven
Hear us from heaven
Hear us from heaven

in view of christmas some people have asked me what i want...


LOL.... seriously... i dunno leh... i ll think abt it
ever since i started working, Christmas has been pretty shiong for me... always have camp right after Christmas. well, this year, i've chosen to enjoy Christmas even tho this has been one of the most tiring one so far.
so yeah... i wish you a META Christmas (staff joke)!!
by God's grace dis dreaded december has been not as dreary...thank God!

3 scenes in church today spoke to me about me right now:

1) yeep was talking to me about the new song we sang in service... n her daughter ran up to her, arms extended, desperately flopping herself on her saying, "carry, carry" in a near sobbing tone. that vulnerability; helpless desire... n of course i see the deeper, fuller love from her mum as she bends down just as immediately to scoop her up in loving embrace.

2) my 2 nieces (both 2 year olds) trying to hold hands and run together. they stopped every few steps to unclench or change hands position cos they've yet to figure out how their fingers should come together, or who prefer palm up or down etc. it s so cute to see the simple joy of holding hands n running n figuring out how to do so together.

3) my 2 nieces again... they ran towards the stage hand in hand... then stopped n decided to hug each other. n of course, with the usual clumsiness of toddlers, one of them tripped on the other's foot and down they went into a tangled heap on the floor, getting hurt in the process. tears ensued.

man... this is one of the few extended times i see them together cos of the christmas service rehearsal. they are soooooo cute! i wanna b a cool aunt that they can relate n hang out wif when they grow up, 2 guide them 2 stay pure n loving God!

u noe, as adults, we aren't that much different from mere 2-year olds... juz dat we got more complicated n we got more 'sophisticated' in our clumsiness or figuring out process.

I LONG TO WORSHIP YOU - Parachute Band
i have not come to ask You for anything
Except for the privilege to glorify Your name
Let my singing and prayers to You fill You up
O God, that You might be satisfied

i long to worship You
i long to worship You
to stand in Your courts and tell how marvelous You are
To You i raise my hands
i want to lift You up
Here in Your presence Lord
I long to worship You

yeep taught this song today... (they were beginning to say i poor thing - need to pick up on and follow through every other WL's new song! hee) this song expressed my soul. so beautiful... was wondering wat song it was when singing it... turned out it was from the album i did not buy! argh...yeep says this album "Amazing" 's the best. its slant is such contemplative and "God God" kind (if u noe wat i mean)... so beautiful...

God told me in the strong winds and pelting rain today - this is why I resurrected ur heart.
(dun understand? nvm... this is 4 me to rem)

BBC news 17 dec
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6187319.stm?lsf
US parishes weigh Anglican split: Two church congregations in the US are to announce whether they are breaking from the American Episcopal Church amid the continuing row over gay clergy.

pls come for Metamorphosis 2006 "BE THAT SOMEONE"

http://www.everystudent.com.sg/meta

i truly believe this is a very very very good camp! come for a life changing experience... pls! see things like u ve never seen b4... hear like u ve never hear b4.

we want to see christians raised up to be true followers of Christ... will u be that someone?

right now, i m very stressed with coming up with the student notes for Meta workshop. i tell ya, i ve worked at this for the longest time n yet... the pieces are not falling together. think maybe tonight cannot sleep!
n, i m very discouraged at the min sign-up for meta. we've worked at it lor...
Lord... pls come and take our efforts, our labour... and make it good in Your name. if i've been doing it in my own strength, (which i have been examining myself lots), forgive me and help me...

yesterday i fumbled irretrievably at singing "Everyday"! seems like i always outdo my own mistakes in leading worship! oh well...
attended 3 services... was pretty hungry for worship and Word.
what i took home from the process:
we need to go back to the Word always! faith comes from hearing, hearing the word of God.
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. (heb 4:12)
our faith MUST be based on the Word... we need to build biblical faith. anything else is blind, weak, false.
i need to be a preacher of a Theo(God)-centric gospel, not an ego(man)-centric gospel.
i need to shift thru my messages as well as songs i choose... that they dont perpetuate an ego-centric Christianity, or further fuel the consumer mentality - what can God do for me, what can the church do for me me me!
and, actually, my church service/sermon is not dat bad!

God... let us be people who seek
not just Your blessings... but YOU.
not just to receive gifts from Your hand but to behold Your face
help us to desire You.

my heart aches for Home... where we fully come alive... to behold His face... to be wif Him forever...
i cant even begin to describe how much i yearn for Him

had Evangelism Training [E.T reloaded] today... thankfully i opened to sci n SIM n SMU...or else so very small! was fun having them too... hearing this gal Vanessa share, during lunch, abt how God was so real to her was a wonderful treat!

n dunno why i kept meeting Chinese nationals and indonesians! had fun talking to and sharing the gospel with them in mandarin... my mandarin has "gone bad" especially after coming into med. seldom use or even read/write as compared to my earlier days. n too busy to read chinese novels anyway... n m reminded to bring along my bahasa M & I 4SLs next time! sigh...

last nite Casting Crowns concert. thanks Cyn for understanding my stress n dryness to let me go instead of meeting up.
they showed the MV for "Can anybody see her?" - i put it up on this blog last month!

Voice of Truth

dis song ministers to me so much. i realised there's so much lies from the evil one dat i listen to that paralyzes me fr service, fr sharing, fr understanding dat i can do it in His strength, dat i m anointed by Him for the work He has entrusted me with. the voice that taunt me... mentioned sometime back abt my goliaths... gotta slay them... need to hear the voice of truth...

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

chorus

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Praise You through the storm


these 2 songs were back to back n they ministered to me so much...
wow it's so late! i need to settle some stuff (eg. mug "everyday")! GTG... share with u more soon... there's juz so much... but juz no time...!

juz read Yeep's email. she s sucha blessing to me... she's there, encouraging me wen my strength is failing. thank God for her!

met up wif Krys for my birthday celebration... yesh... i m not done yet! wen up sheares bridge n to the marina south breakwater to eat our subway dinners... laid on our backs to admire the full moon n chatted... wow... fr 5-11pm... din expect to hang out this long!
she said i m torrential!(re how i can cry) haha... told her i must blog dis! forgot wat exactly... asked her on msn... then now blog. haha.. so old huh.
other stuff she mentioned that hit me:
i measure pp using me as a standard. she said i did it to her too... n reminded me dat not many pp r like me (n i corrected her dat no1 is like me la). hmmm... need to reflect n rework dat...
wen i updated re L. she added dat i wasted 6 years of our friendship(due to our silly mistake- it was a beautiful thing God has given us n we messed it up!) suddenly realised it was indeed costly... n dat things will be such if i move out of God's will... that i'll miss out on God's best for me in any given situation/relationship (that God has blessed me wif) if i took things into my hands.
n she added i make her cry the most! sigh...

We have here with us Evan, who has just completed the Standchart half marathon. Evan, tell us how you did you start running long distance.
Well, I didn’t take to running actually. Just that ever since I started work, running is the easiest form of exercise. No frills, no need another person, no need to bring bathing stuff etc. just put on track shoes and I can be off.

The main contributing factor was med min cos I realised that in full time min, it is for the long haul… not the sprint n crash kinda thing. So the idea of covering distance and running the marathon grew on me.

when i was in JC, my fren SL runs long distance... i remember her sharing why she does it - "it feels really good after you sweat..." being less restrained n tactful, i blurted, "you must be crazy!" it was plain insanity to me 10 years ago... i hated running... even 2.4! well, i've come to join the crazy pp...

Share with us your pre-race experience.
I went over to Darling’s to sleep over. What nice bed she has! Slept after talking a bit. Haven’t had such a deep n restful sleep in a long while! Gr8 bed she has! I didn’t feel like waking up when the alarm went off… anyway, we took a pic n left. Couldn’t get on a cab! N when we finally did, the driver didn’t know how to get there with all the road closures… so we dropped off at lavender and ran for the mrt! [note 2 self: next year pls take mrt!]

We were late already n I was panicky… n ran n ran to the starting point… n juz started the race feeling out of breath n so not ready! Haha… n my muscles were v tight… I had to stop at the 1st bus stop to stretch again… n many times subsequently. Kept telling myself to relax relax! Haha! Body felt so out of whack!

heard you enjoyed running half marathon this time than 10K…
yes, cos starting late has it’s benefits… it means the first 2k is clear for you… n then it’s just mainly overtaking people from there on. So it’s kinda fun. And, by the time I hit the 10k turning point (the place where I dread cos last year it was from there that I struggled through the 10k crowd), I met up with the early 10k women runners. They were all running pretty well so it gave me an extra boost to run too.

Share with us your running journey
I ran the 1st 10k faster than last year. But I was really tired by 12k. I was grumbling inwardly why the 13k marker is taking so long to turn up. At 14k, my MP3 player – Schatz was playing ‘Church on fire’. I was telling God, “God! My calves are on fire!” and Ricky Martin’s hot spanish number couldn’t cajole me to run. I was berating myself for walking cos I felt I wasn’t pushing myself harder, n that I lacked mental strength. But by then I couldn’t get my legs to run.

But what I enjoyed tho was running on roads I couldn’t have otherwise, like shenton way. And Im thankful to God for the weather – it wasn’t hot, but cloudy.. providing the much needed shade. And tho it drizzled when I was at 17k, it refreshed me, n gave me extra impetus to finish n not get caught wen it pours. But of course it didn’t at all till probably after 11 (after I had left).

one thing i especially enjoyed was blatant littering! (throwing the cups by the side of the road) haha...

[smiling] I heard you were eating breakfast at the 15k mark…
Haha. Yesh! They were giving out bananas n drinks at the 15k mark (just after the esplanade). N I, since I was walking, decided to snack n load up too… juz too empty… so yeah… walked another km! heehee… even tho I told myself no more excuses after I finished, I couldn’t run still… it became walk-a-jog for me. I was at the republic boulevard – a place I had enjoyed walking along… n was screaming inside “where the heck is the turning point? I want to turn back!!!”

At 19km, Schatz was playing “Running after You”, one of my must-have running songs. i was telling God, “I cant run liao!” not even when I rounded the last 3oom. But I did run in the end.

what is the highlight of the race for you?
That’ll be the last 100m for me… sprinting past thru the crowd to the finishing line… it’s exhilarating!

were you satisfied with your timing?
oh yes i m! im pretty pleased with myself despite walking n all... i actually hit my personal objective! tho it is not fast or anything (i m the 2nd LAST among my colleagues!) i felt good. this's all i can do for the conditioning i ve done... so yeah. i gave myself 2 pats on the shoulder saying, "well done!" after the race. haha...

Tell us what you did post-race.
I went to Ya-Kun wif Darling. And then went home. I travelled light this year. I only carried my arm band (with hp, easi-link card, atm card, cash, keys), schatz clipped outside, and a small towel. No change no nothing. So juz went home stinking up the train n bus! Haha.

What are your future running plans?
I intend to lay off running at least 1 week… which probably will turn into 2 or 3… shall go back to swimming… probably start gunning down 30 laps. Then oso… maybe be good to my knees n go back to cycling… so then after a while, I can try for a triathlon.. haha… ignore me… I m delirious now.

Darling wasn’t keen on joining me to run for a full marathon. N I think my knees cannot take it… n my work schedule doesn’t permit that… so maybe the other thing is to run half in other countries (standchart has it in 3 other countries!)

well, whatever it is, i wish you many more wonderful racing experience. thank you, Evan for your time.
it's my pleasure.

today's a pretty fine day. woke up today feeling i needed more sleep... realised that i should stop making appts in the morning esp if i dun have meetings... i should sleep in... i cant engage... the rest of the day was pretty nice!

had a wonderful family time... then jammed wif bro a little... kinda fun.

tmr's stand chart! still undecided whether to sleep over at Darling's... a little excited... n reviewing the route... i feel i really CMI!! nvm la.. tmr juz go there n do my best lor... c how... 30000 runners.. sure jam one... last year 10k jam like mad... pp no running ethics... looking at it... i sure hit the 10k-ers n jam there too... sianz...

was pretty drained after DG... had intended to end by 330... but... stretched till 5... at first planned some time for me to go sit by water n sort out some stuff b4 meeting Kr 4 dinner... but then cant liao... n suddenly like a ton of bricks, it hit me - how needful that planned space was for me... i felt weak n tired. i felt i cannot give liao. [cant give wat u dun haf] i felt i needed breathing space... i needed time for myself... i didnt want to tok anymore... i sms-ed to ask for a rain cheque despite feeling real bad abt it.

m glad i did it... was good. realised i miss God. i miss thinking God-thoughts, miss thinking of Him, juz Him, not for His will, not for His leading, not so that i can teach, tell, lead, guide someone else... juz for Him. i ve been so busy dat i havent spend time JUZ. [just let me say...]

was pondering over how Jesus could do it... give n give... n yet handle the heartbreaking knowledge dat they dun have faith... that their hearts r so far from God... i would have broken down seeing that rich young ruler walk away with his head down... did Jesus' heart sink as He saw him go? did He inwardly cry a million tears while saying, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Mk 10:25) yet perhaps He knew what i still dun... "with man it is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." (v27)

mystified by "Love"... God is Love. it's amazing. how God is the source, the giver. how we are created for love, to love. how we love cos He first loved us. (1 Jn 4:19)

i really do think my sis has a great figure... n she's chio too! *whistle (she's gleefully fishing in my wardrobe for clothes for tmr's wedding n FYP presentation... so it's kinda like a fashion show for me!) n i juz got sudden inspiration to dress her in really really hot stuff!LOL i'm glad her examz r over n she s in like the greatest cool mood in a long while... maybe oso cos i had a good time-out earlier... my mood's ok too... juz realised too dat i ve been the "main sponsor" of her clothes n shoes for most of her events! from head to toe! wow... m glad she's gonna wear d over-priced delicate tube/halter i fell in love with n committed to... only to b rudely awoken to the fact dat we r mismatched... i m too fat for it... really happy my sis fit so nicely!
"that's wat sisters r for... to help tie knots!"

i heard this song today at Ben & Jerry's... was so terribly moved by it. went up to the counter to ask 4 title n singer... Ben & Jerry's really haf gr8 sound system - Bose. sounded so terribly wonderful. heart nearly melted there n then.



The way you look at me - Christian Bautista
No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up to
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes say everything without a single word

CHORUS
'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stand still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

BRIDGE
I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

this is the way my day usually go:

i usually am down with what i call the silent scream syndrome (SSS). i wake up with a whole body full of silent screams... wondering where i've 'topped up' in the night. i dread the start of the day, and drag myself out of the bed eventually, not without wrestling wif sleep for a long while.

then with much prayer n grumbling to God, i struggle thru the day, doing my work with increasing joy and thankfulness to Jesus for His srength, grace and encouragement. and usually, my day will end with a bang - a climax i wouldnt have imagined.

like yesterday, i was eating dinner wif Liebe wen the lady i sat diagonally across turned out to be my pri 3 classmate! she initiated the conversation (if not, i would've blur blur not have noticed). turns out she is Liling- an EXTREMELY quiet gal. she refused to talk to anyone, didnt even respond to teachers' questions! but only talk to her 2 other friends. she had always puzzled me as to why she doesnt talk to other pp... however she dun rem me trying to talk to her!( i was like " of course i got try to talk to you lah.. i so friendly one.... i was much less noisy, obtrusive, obnoxious 18 years ago...) i think she forgot she never talk to others! but thankfully she remembered me (my full name some more!) and even remembered that i had wanted to be a doctor (she oso asked if henry is a doc. both of us didnt become docs. CMI lah... hee... but turns out everyone knew i wanted 2 b doc... even henry, after finding me on friendster asked me if i m a doc now! so much for being the sci whiz kid...). n also mentioned that i was pretty (note: WAS!!!) haha. [like i always say... i tihnk puberty is the great equalizer - reverses one's fortunes! hee hee]

my highlight was that Liling is also a Christian and was juz recently baptised. she had even gone for mission trip to M'sia! i really was overjoyed at our reunion! n was super giving thanks for her salvation. n also puzzled over how is it that we both, having stayed in the same place for the past 18 years, have not even bumped into each other (not even once!) till now! asked her her prayer requests, prayed for her... n left still feeling so high. wow. found another friend!

woke up today actually calling out (aloud) to Jesus cos again had SSS! i m blogging now cos decided to take half day leave... to sleep in... n blog and think thru some stuff... the morn's short man... need to go off liao... DG at 1 in NUS... but yesh... m looking forward to today... knowing that God has written a wonderful day filled with His blessing and wonderful opportunities for me to be a blessing to others too... enjoy yours too.

OD on frappuccino....
juz came back from Starbucks... had "venti" mocha frap with java beans... went str to toilet after meeting... too much caffeine... always has a laxative effect on me... n now a bit high too... the only time i feel energised for this whole day! Christmas task force meeting... thank God for a good comm! my goals 4 the meeting met... praise God for the event skeleton! juz hope we can keep to the timeline and everyone can communicate properly n work well...

today was a shiong day... felt a bit too worn out by 6pm... was telling God how i m still not used to such intensity. pretty draining emotionally n spiritually... but thank God He worked inspite of us human beings... n even answered my prayer re wat to do re DN... felt His guidance and empowerment.

my schedule's still a bit more tight than i liked... YuP juz sms-ed me n i realised i forgot 2 get back to her wen we were supposed to meet this week... so yeah... must postpone meeting her to next... n Cyn as well... nearly had to postpone meeting krys too... but glad i could still pull it off on fri nite. phew!

talking to Kimi on d way to the meeting was cool... glad she came despite her having exam tmr. she asked me abt my work... briefly told her wat i do... n before i was even half way thru, she interrupted n commented, "sounds like u r very overloaded!" sigh... i was not even half-way thru answering her! haha.

well, i m glad i m outta the pity party n low fuel zone... now beta a bit... will rest more... n rely on His strength. time's running out... n dec's juz round the corner... shudder shudder.... jia you, evan!

m glad n thankful to God for my family's faith n walk with Him. esp re my bro. bro n i caught Casino Royale recently (n separately), n discussed it last night... juz read this on his blog... n wat i read caused me to be glad... n relieved... here's part of his reflection:
"guess I loved it because it resonates what I secretly covet… Being intelligent, sophisticated, and arrogant...However, being a Christian, these aren't values and lifestyle I should hold on to... Instead of self-pride, I should be filled with humility and dependence on Christ. Humility isn't discrediting oneself of one's strengths….. Basically, I just feel that I need a spiritual revamp... Pride tells me I can do it by my own strength. The Bible tells me I need to submit myself to God's transforming power…. If we have our focus set on earthly things, we would desire earthly things and miss out on God's call on our lives..."

all the confusion, discouragement were dispelled on thurs late night (or rather wee hours of fri morn...) when i realised wat God was doin in my life... i needed to struggle through wat is ME n wat ISNT... i had to face my worst fears, and slay my goliaths... was kinda tough time till i began to stand up in the Lord and in His mighty power instead of cowering in fear at the spiritual battle... God was helping me re-errect my boundaries n 'definition of self'. thinking back, it seems like i was putting into pract wat Drs Townsend n Cloud wrote in their book-BOUNDARIES.
if you've been praying for me... thank you so much!

the tok wif Darling helped me better understand re David & Jonathan and how God knitted their hearts/souls tog. it s a beautiful friendship

collected the runner's pack on fri... was so excited... glad it was a little gym bag instead of shoe bag (gave dat for the past 2 years!). but realised i really CMI... sigh...
nvm lor... i ll walk then... m a bit paranoid abt not getting myself injured these 2 weeks from over straining my muscles or anything...cos i havent run for a long time (or rather i havent run for long in a long while)... so yeah... m not pushing myself for this week... cannot anyhow juz run alot without building up one... shall only do dat on sun. i dun wan to forfeit this race due to injury
had a wonderful time last nite. watched casino royale, then watched DVD all nite - appleseed, taxi1 n 2... then went down to NUS.. then GC... only to find out i DUN need to attend the meta meeting cos it's for the ops pp... i speaking so alot of meetings dun need to attend! sigh... so blur... waste time... could have gone home n 1. slept, 2. prep 4 my workshop! anyway ok lor... was a good day overall... thank God!

mum's operation went ok... will be resting at home for the next few dayz... pls continue to pray for her healing... n hopefully the results will be fine...

shall blog better... tired... too many things... oh.. yesh.. m trying to rest more too... =)

some people haf impeccable timing!
G--- sms-ed me after so long asking me how i m... n asked if it is possible to meet up... n asked me to take care... haiz... how is it he knows wen i m most down?
other then the above shudder moment, there were msn surprises:
MA came online n outta blue opens the conversation wif: *sends love and hugs*
n so did wolverine: evan! how now brown cow? dun frown drink chin chow!
juz brought smiles to my face... esp wen dey had no idea i so needed love n hugs... or dat i was really wearing a frown on my face! these 2 peeps never fail to cheer me up and warm me with their love! thank you darlings!

thanks, Liebe, for the dh... was just telling God i want it b4 i met the Ns... n... i m so sorry...
thanks, yeep, for always extending ur hand.

i have a splinter, a huge one lodged deep in my flesh... recently tried hard to get it out n made a whole load of mess... pricked, pinched, clawed, dugged, n made a bigger wound... lost alot of blood, body tired n numb, brain began to swoon... seems like my whole world's coming down in a crash... n yet... there still firmly stuck is dat hateful splinter in my flesh

oh weary weltered pilgrim beaten back by satan's power
there's still a place of refuge to be found
come back into His presence to the altar stained with blood
and renew again your covenant with Him

let me find You in the desert
till the sand is your holy ground
and i m found completely surrendered
to You, my Lord and friend.
so let me say how much i love You,
with all my heart i long for You
for i m caught in this passion of knowing
this endless love i found in You
oh the depths of grace, the forgiveness found
to be called a child of God
just makes me how much i love You
o my Saviour, my Lord and friend

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER DEAREST!!

милочка

я люблю вас (russian)

was pretty down today... but thank God He turned it around rather beautifully...1st...Liebe sms-ed stuff... then i could put a finger to my dissonance... then MM called n i felt dat God arranged tmr s meeting to help me get out of it... i was just crying to God dat i really dunno how... cos of min... feelin demoralised... discouraged n all... realised the extent of my tiredness

i love Liebe so much! feelin' so strong... (this line of some song juz came to mind... but dunno wat song... really wanted the dh thingy... but nevermind... janC gave me a huge one... n an excellent massage... n she noted dat we've not spoken for a long time... n admitted she missed talking to me... heehee

in the afternoon, apple delivery called to say they ll deliver today...! n then the recruitment vid recordin was fast, then my shuffle reached my table by 1905, then went for S&V dinner... was at 1st bad... but wat turned it ard were the pic-taking session (boycotting QW! lol) n taking to L... had a gr8 time catching up... all is good. n then a whole host of compliments –

WL, QW, SW, evie: You look great!

WL: "i didnt know u sing so well!" (my friends of 10 years didn’t know!)

SW: “you quite stylo one wat…”

trying to name my ishuffle... n i m taking forever!

yeahyeah!!! finally! after like hours... i found THE name!!!!!!!!!!!!! Schatz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i m getting so fat!!!! months ago i blogged (i tihnk) dat i have only one pair of dress pants that i can fit into... tonight, i realised, while trying them on, dat they too are getting tight! n it's not just my imagination... the scales oso say i m heavier than i've ever been before! sigh...

i really CMI man.... ran 1 mile, but walked 2! how m i gonna finish half M??? sigh...

weddings weddings... not that i dun share in my frenz' joy.. juz dat my attendance means torching my pockets! one of those things where i regret having legions of frenz... L was right... i wont turn up if i m not involved... anyway i ve done my fair share of so really getting involved havent i? sigh...evie n WP juz cant believe i can b dis bad...! yesh i noe it's "tsk tsk" to me... but the gal's gotta live right? =p but yesh yesh.. i cant wait for tonight...!

i have a whole load of sucky attitude! i m sick n tired of my excuses... of my whining, of my complaining...

my life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
i do not choose the colours He worketh steadily,
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and i in foolish pride,
Forget he sees the upper, and i the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
- Anonymous

27/C/F
Past Medical Hx: IBS, atypical pneumonia, asthma, chronic fatigue and delirium
c/o: frequent diarrhoea (psychosomatic), a bit "off" and forgetful recently( often double booking herself), sustained trauma re teenagers, lack vitamin S-11, has escapism tendencies, moody, irritate behaviour, erratic sleep patterns. suspected depression and early onset of dementia.
refer PSY.
Imp: chronic lethargy secondary to prolonged min overload
Plan:

- sleep x 6 hrs a day (at least)

- cut down meetings, & appts.

- retail therapy

- prescribed TLC cream and increased dosage of social(non-min related) activities.

- decrease food intake, increase running mileage.

- heed Matt 11:28, Ps 46:10, SOS 8:14, Mk 6:31
- 14 day MC!!! muahaha!

can u believe it? this guy traded paper clip for a house!

http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/story.html?id=4e3cf973-9ade-48cd-bffc-124fa67e60b4&k=35012

Ally McBeal!

Searchin' My Soul - written by Vonda Shepard with additional lyrics by Paul Gordon
I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind

Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind

Oh I belive I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in my life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

sudden nostalgic craze.. all thanks to D&D singing baby don't you break my heart slow...

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got wacky
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you say, do you say what you mean?
I want our love to last forever
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

i actually went n dug out my copy of the OST! sigh...

i feel like screaming man...! so very tired. i'm juz taking things one day at a time now... it's the i'll ony prep for it the night b4... cannot manage looking into it any sooner... as D wrote in her mail "she is really swamped now..." haiz...oh oh.. pls pray for the Evangelism training for 2 cells on sun... i can only b looking into it on sat after work... hmmm...

thank God for last night's E LM... prayed for 15 people who would really b E warriors to come... who would b aligned to our E plans n commit to E... got 16...! was good time i think... hee... noting that i had an equivalent of writer's block for a whole day on wed! n of course... was good to hear B & JL's feedback and how the message spoke to them.

checked out D&D wif evie n WP last night... great voice n great voice n great guit playing... heard so many nice songs... will put up one of those songs soon... will search wen i got time... which... i dunno wen... was good to really got affirmed by evie when she told the singer that i sing very well... great voice... so embarrassing... he had to say over the mic dat i can sing but refuse to come up... thankfully not many people in there... well, had a weird moment too, when suddenly when i suggested evie to ask God for guidance she intitated for me to pray for her and started holding hands with me n WP... n there we were.. at Harry's... holding hands on the table and praying... so much for my E message... who would've tot God'll give me opportunities like dat so immediately? Praise God...

ok... breath in... breath out... oh gtg down nus now... ciao...

Whatever you think about most
Whatever you surround yourself with
Whatever you listen to
Whatever you enjoy, you will become as a person. Through repetition you start to gravitate to that which is your deepest interest.
Style is literally the particular way a person acts, his personality, and his mannerisms
It takes years to cultivate but it is not something that most people are aware of on a daily basis.
– Dave Brooks

makes me wonder... wat is my heart's deepest interest? would it be something of the world... or would it be Jesus?

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Phil 4:8

---
man... i realised i've regressed and lost alot of ground esp these past 3 weeks! lost my1st love (haha.. suddenly the meanings dawn on me), lost my mental strength and vigour, lost my discipline (should be pushing myself to run more but i so very lazy! really think i wont be able to make it liao... was juz recalling how at last year's 10k run i was tihnking i would ve died if i was running the 21 k and seeing the 10k-ers finishing while i have alot more to go! sigh...) and lost lots more...
only thing i ve super gained is WEIGHT! i m at my heaviest EVER!! (juz weighed myself!)
sigh...
----
started the week well rested.. all thanks to the wedding on sun that took every ounce of energy i had... (was the most stressful one i org n emceed... cos of reasons only my old classmates could understand... sigh... ) slept early sun night... was good cos i smart smart took leave today to rest n regroup n reflected! hee... so now... i m fine... was juz thinking dat all s well fr now... but then realised the wedding's only an item on my IMPT things to do list... up next is my message, then training, then big big stuff like my workshops on sun, for other youth camps n meta n mission trip liaising... sigh... hence i begin yet another hectic week... but in a much better state i hope! hee...
---

God broke my heart over the things that break His again...

CASTING CROWNS - does anybody hear her?
She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her ...
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction...

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians
Who acknowledge Him with their lips, walk out the door, and deny by their lifestyle
that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable

another has fallen...
WHAT IF I STUMBLE? - DC TALK
Father please forgive me for I cannot compose
the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows
If a struggle has a purpose on a narrow road you've carved
why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?

(Do they see the fear in my eyes?) Are they so revealing?
(This time I cannot disguise) All the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
What if I lose my step and i make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when the walk becomes crawl?
What if I stumble? And what if I fall?

Book of Jude
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy,
to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

had a gr8 time wif D. nearly postponed it cos i was so deadtired! decided against cos i go by the "never leave to tmr wat u can do today" saying... n i m not like cheong-ing or anything these dayz lah... n not as if i packed my celebrations way OTT... even tho been dressing up a little more these dayz... celebrations wat... but then remembered i need to save the nicest clothes for my weddings weekend! i toned down on my 'festivities' already liao... low key, nice dinners dats all... anyway, was telling ya abt dinner wif D... nice cheap cafe... can go back there again. this gal ah... is getting so MANY HUGE diamonds! was joking dat she s getting my guy n my wedding minus A! there are (i think) 4 BIG things on D's list that A n I r similar... well darling, i juz like the diamonds... n the vn part... otherwise... juz keep your pigpig. (haha... suddenly rem wat u both said - a shudder scenario: A getting intro-ed to me by PD instead of meeting u... LOL... well well... God IS good to us 3 huh! LOL!) loved the catchup and conversation. priceless!

i think i dun wanna Nov to end! not dat i cant finish my bday celebrations... (was juz joking i m taking 12 days to celebrate... n sang, "on the 1st day of birthday my true love send to me....") juz dat i really shudder abt dec wif all its work, christmas n meta! sigh... n m getting really irritated wif frenz asking how's V's wedding coming along... (sorry L n evie) yesh yesh... me the organiser... sigh... not complaining abt the weddings i m coordinating now... but note to self: no saying yes to organising weddings till further notice! haha

i m tired... m getting WORRIED dat i m THIS tired... when i m not sick, when i have more than 6 hours of sleep... y m i still SO EXHAUSTED???!!

MSN conversation dat JUZ took place:
MA says: your blog always makes me wonder about your schedule
MA says: and how can it be so packed
MA says: without killing you
evanLESS - toi rat met says: wat makes u think it HASNT ??
MA says: maybe you need to take a look at it next year and learn how to say no, and prioritise
MA says:not to say that you're not doing it now
evanLESS - toi rat met says: yesh mdm... wise advise... shall blog it
MA says: but it just looks unbalanced to the point of being really unhealthy
MA says: and i'm rather worried
MA says: i won't say that I UNDERSTAND, for understanding is impossible without being you
MA says: but I *GET* how busy life can be
MA says: especially with "good activities"
MA says:and ministry, and listening to people, and spending time with others
MA says: and it's hard, very hard, to come to a point when you say "no" to people and activities, because there's no point in time when ALL the requests come in to you; they tend to trickle in singularly, and then you say yes to individual activities, and then slowly they pile up again, and you're in the middle of another month, and dog tired and sick (again)
MA says: so if you can, start saying NO to activities (such as my christmas dinner) now, and thin your life
MA says: a too-rich diet has killed many a king
evanLESS - toi rat met says: ok! i ll say NO to your christmas party now thanks gal
MA says: okay
MA says: i'm just worried about you
MA says: not that you're not big enough to take care of yourself

n here's the clincher:
MA says: i love you very much and would hate to see you collapse from exhaustion

so touched! thanks gal... i love you very much too! wat a way to end a not-so-busy yet exhausting day...!

will u forgive me?

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23, 24

i juz did something long overdue. and felt the brunt of anger and got a glimpse of the damage i've done. and all i could say was "i'm sorry". it was all very humbling. and inspite of all i did, or tried to, i guess i have to admit i was so wrong. "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." - Prov 10:19

was so tired, needed to sleep early... was on my bed when i made the call... and now i m wide awake. n i think i've wrecked someone else's sleeping plans too.

n i realised it s easy to b like some who sweep it under the carpet, act like all is well, n pretend to have moved on, or others who, on the surface, seem to be your friend but sing another tune behind your back or some others who know restitution is needed but yet do nothing... Matt 5:23, 24 isnt easy... n while i try my best at it, i cant help but feel angry at these many others. oh well, juz do wat u need to la huh... set your eyes on Jesus, not on people.

God, pls come heal the hurt. sorry i had messed up and took so long to 'fess up, took so long to clean up.


thanks LP for sharing wif me dat which triggered this long forgotten "to do" item... your obedience reminded me there's something i needed to obey... jia you!

i had a gr8 birthday this year~! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!
m really thankful to God! was so overwhelmed by His love and the love of my frenz!

had a frantic start tho... conveniently overslept and took cab to NUS, then rushed n took cab down to GC... being late for BOTH meetings...

d students were such sweeties...! (Simz, Euge, YX, telle, WT, Char, Liebe... JonL, Shee, Hyun) waited to sing and wish me "Happy birthday" b4 rushing in for their lect. had Bakerzin's tiramisu cake and precious moments card, waterbottle (which i soaked in hot water in GC and used it that very afternoon).

Dr Gilbert Beers spoke about the Power of Presence - being there. that it is 1) God, 2) family, 3) ministry. that FAMILY is very impt. and also the need to ponder about the person of God. was v ministered to by the message and the worship. felt that it was a special present fr God to me since TPs wasnt supposed 2 b on fri. this one's special!

had oishi pizza with darling, za, tin, QW...

sorry had to turn down a few "last min" breakfast n lunch dates... see see... cannot last min one... must call and book at least one week b4 k? sorry for d disappointment. n yesh... i did NOT take leave! haha... so many pp thot i would...! hee.

had checkout.... then after work, went New Asia... with JL, XL & E. was a little high.... i'm on the TOP OF THE WORLD!!! oh well, at least top of s'pore...

dinner at prego. their service is v good man... had complimentary b'day cake whihc was v v yummy! n also off-key singing by the waiters. overall a great dining experience! haha!

and can u believe it? i met and was blessed by Dr Samuel Doctorian! He gave me a cross from Bethlehem too.

celebrated wif family on sat...

there's more to come this week... n i m so looking forward to them!

how u can pray for me esp or my b'day:
Pray that i have love for God, and fear of God in me always... that i will walk humnbly before God and man... that i will walk in the path ordained before me and not veer to the right nor to the left.

pray also for strength. i m very, very, really, really, extremely fatigued! juz seems like no amount of rest is helping... not dat i ve been resting too much. pray for rejuvenation of my body, mind and soul... pray for wisdom to do all i have to get done.

THANK YOU to you for remembering my b'day, sms-ing, msn-ing, calling, emailing your well wishes. SPECIAL THANKS to you who wrote cards, gave presents, asked me out, took the trouble to make reservations, arrange group and individual meet-ups to spend time to bless and shower me with your love. i thank God for you! i love you! you are precious to me! (gollum's voice *my precious...!*)

thanks GraceC, JanChoo, Jansen, Mag, Da, Hui (1st one on hp), Liebe, Glo, krys, charm, TN!

my fav part about haircuts is the wash. i love to have some1else wash, massage my scalp and neck... well, today, wat i got was a very very sore scalp! i think her nails so totally annihilated not juz the dandruff but everything else... when she returned me to my chair after rinsing the shampoo, i touched my poor scalp wondering what was left of it... yelp... it hurt!

had been wanting to streak it pink... but my senses kicked in last minute... shall save up the money... probably will live to regret it... oh well.. i could wait next year when i hit 28... so went for a simple trim...

my crazy, gungho bro went n got all 4 of his wisdom teeth extracted today... now he looks so terribly fat-faced... man... i wonder how he bears wif all the pain!

so sianz... juz found out the bank charge me $2 service charge for having less than the min amt in my bank! bully poor people! hmph!

still haven been running... leave home 7plus, reach home way nearly midnight... hmmm... i think this time really CMI liao...

"how we think and what we think will affect what we do, how we lead, and how we use our time" - BX at ELT training this morning.

"you've got to think about 'big things' while you're doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction." - Alvin Toffler


i really m v tired! need to take leave man... my phlegm is so not clearing... i felt the room spin and my vision blur during meeting (despite clocking 2 hours of sitting down!)

been misreading or forgetting the contents of my emails! like forgetting 2 prep my devo 4 last fri's ELT, like today's pm meeting - i 've been exempted fr attending... n i didnt realise! could have arranged a DG this afternoon! sianz... so much work to do yet i keep dropping some balls! like dat how can i ever get round to doing everything? today's ELT was on OCM... and i realised i ve got to play too many roles, sit in too many comms/FGs and wear too many hats... while b4 i was underchallenged, now i m drowning! muahaha...

realised too dat i need to rest, n get back a social life! felt happier meeting up wif JL last night!

and was thinking i really need to start running or else i'll have to pull out of the race. CMI lah.

pray for me... dat i grow in love for and fear for God, and for wisdom to prioritise and strength to do what i need to...

sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit...

Phil 4:13

i m sui generis! muahaha


God sent some pp to show me concernthru sms/msn:
J, D, MH, Allan, HY... then IN
IN: hey gal...remembered n prayed for you "He satisifies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Ps 107:9

Nguyện người ta ngợi khen Đức Giê-hô-va vì sự nhân từ Ngài, Và vì các công việc lạ lùng Ngài làm cho con loài người! Vì Ngài làm cho lòng khao khát được thỏa thích, Khiến cho hồn đói được đầy dẫy vật tốt.

Chúa ởđâu? Anh ởđâu?

a puro dolor!

the essence of prayer

"The essence of prayer is simply talking to God as you would to a beloved friend—without pretense or flippancy. Yet it is in that very attitude toward prayer so many believers have trouble.

"Because communion with God is so vital and prayer so effective in the fulfillment of God’s plan, the enemy attempts constantly to introduce errors into our understanding of and commitment to prayer. Every generation faces the necessity to reprioritize and purify a corrupted or confused perception of prayer.

"For many, prayer has been replaced with pragmatic action. Function overrides fellowship with God; busyness crowds out communication. For others, prayer lacks a sense of awe and respect. Their efforts are flippant, disrespectful, and irreverent.

"Then there are those who believe prayer is designed to make demands and claims on God. They attempt to force Him to do what they believe He should do for them. Finally, for some prayer is nothing more than a routine ritual."

John MacArthur 1995. Alone with God. Victor Books: Wheaton, Ill.

wat some pp said of me today:
Za: Zai, vulnerable
LT: Good storyteller
WY: charismatic
WT: very interesting.... straightforward yet more than meets the eye.

went to City Hall's S'pore Biennale for the 2nd time... this time wif WT...

okay.. my voice has changed... pretty sexy i think... throat really hurts now... n really really tired... gotta go sleep...

a puro dolor
ich denke an dich
ich denke oft an dich auch

my priority now is to prioritise...
Meta, Gen12, GIG, OA, christmas, Weddings, Coaching, birthdays.
vocals, art, korean, run with the horses, boundaries...

m v v tired. but now since my terrible bout of sullenness is gone... now i can focus on my work... the body will come since my heart is beta now... but but... my throat is v sore! greenish phlegm and all...been dayz... shall try rest. esp b4 party-season starts!

havent been running... it's kinda worrying... since all my colleagues are training well... i dun think i can pull this one off liao... sigh...

juz tot i'd put this up.

SURRENDERING YOUR DREAMS by Stormie Omartian
Most of us have experienced a time when our lives appear to be standing still. No matter how hard we work, it seems like every door is closed and no new ones are opening. Often that's because we have an image in our mind of what we want to be happening, and when we see that it isn't we think NOTHING is happening...God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making.

**have i surrendered all my dreams?**

Lord, i release all my hopes and dreams to You this day. If there is anything that i am longing for that is not to be a part of my life, i ask You to take away the desire for it so that what should be in my life will be released to me.
I realize how dangerous it is to make idols of my dreams - to try and force my life to be what i envisioned for myself .
I lift up to You all that i desire, and i declare this day that i desire You more. I want the desires of my heart to line up with the desires of Your heart.
As hard as it is for me to let go of the hopes and dreams i have for my life, i lay them all at Your feet. I know that as i die to them, You will either bury them forever or resurrect them to life.
I accept Your decision and fully submit to it. Lead me in Your path, Lord. I don't want to speak a vision of my own heart.
You never said life would be easy. You said You would be with me. I now take each step with the light of Your presence as my guide. Amen.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."Psalm 37:4
are my desires from Him alone?

Growth is always worth the price you pay because the alternative is a limited life with unfulfilled potential - John Maxwell

desperate tears rise from the depth - i know not what they mean
silent screams rumble 'neath the facade - things are not what they seem
who can fathom the mysteries of the heart?
who can ever guess the sadness of the lark?
who can comprehend the ode of the soul?
who can escape the clutches of the Ghoul?
- J. Evanson

In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. - Colette.

Show me someone whose life is cringe-free and i'll show you a dead person - "Gemma" in The Other side of the Story by Marian Keyes (p491)

veliyoou
oiyvoule
yvooluie
eoovilyu

陶喆 - 忘不了MV

thanks to 00... who made me sing to David Tao wif her.haha...
songs always remind me of pp... n this song... is for...i miss you 忘不了

juz watched matrix revolutions (i think..) on Ch5... here's some lines i tot were very meaningful:

(during the final Neo/Smith showdown)
agent Smith: only the human mind can conjure something as insipid as love...
(haha... dun think so man... was juz thinking abt it earlier today... sometimes i shock myself with how deeply i love another... me... selfish, self-centred me... can actually love pp so deeply i cant even begin to fathom it's depth! we are made for love, made to love... we love cos He [God] first loved us... 1 John 4:19 )

agent Smith: Why, Why, Mr Anderson?! Why do you persist?
Neo: because i choose to.
(AA's fri morn staff summit devotion question: what makes u keep doing min everyday? stayed with me. my old answer to dat question was - cos i choose to. hearing Neo reminded me of it. incidentally IN n i were talking abt it thurs night/fri morn till we were so tired we were dropping like flies. the staff summit IS very tiring! IN asked me wat kept me on staff... i answered - calling. i am very clear abt it. n i choose to obey my calling, work it out every single day...)

agent Smith: everything that has a beginning has an end.

the 'master' computer/ creator: it is done

(He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. - Rev 21:6)

Morpheus: i imagined this moment for so long (when peace was restored to Zion)
( things i have been imagining about will come 2 pass - revival, Jesus' return...)

Oracle's assistant: Did you always know?
Oracle: oh no i didn't... but i believed. i believed



top question of the month: W.I.M.A??

How am i to squeeze my life into a 27-inch luggage bag?! - ning (when she was still in spore n fretting)

"this is unfair!" - 25 yr old. (21st oct appro 2230)
yeah yeah... go scream it, champion it... welcome to life! as if u havent been around for the past quarter of a century. tell me if u can - wat abt life is fair? sianz... i ll take to that above comment easier if u were 5 instead of 25.

then again... regarding the unfairness of life... i began to wonder if being 26+++++ has made me take life as it is without batting an eyelid or twitching an emotional muscle...

was talking to some1 last fri and she was saying "no work tmr right? Deepavali .... blah blah..." i said "got..." n she said oh so u ll be paid double? i said "no"... n suddenly i din wanna cont the conversation any more... it s a little difficult trying to explain wat on earth my job is. well, i juz set a meeting on the next pub hol - hari raya puasa... i m not actually complaining... juz resigned 2 the fact dat i have not enuf evenings to do wat i need to for my job.

JL juz sms-ed me again: "hey i m back! when can we meet up?" n i replied all my evenings r out... pls do me a favour any1 n every1... dun chide me for my lack of social life or lecture me abt my need 4 rest or breathing space. dun rub salt on wound... my schedule packs up a week in advance... so to avoid disappointment, pls arrange wif me at least 10 dayz in advance... n if u manage to get a slot wif me... make last min changes at d risk of incurring my wrath. haha... i m seriously considering getting a PA to arrange all my appts for me... i d even raise support for her! haha

SAT at C n SC's wedding...
was so touched wen C sang 1 Cor 13 as SC walked down the aisle towards him! realised that i have been on this same 'stage' for weddings for as long as 20 years! wow... i rem my fav wedding - where we (kids then) sang "in His Time" to my fav sunday sch teacher... now her teenage daughter is the beautiful flower gal marching down b4 the bride...
i m in love with my voice! i think the mic n mixer did some kind of magic.yesh i m narcissitic!
had to rush off after my songs... took off my heels, got changed n flagged a cab... somehow kinda feeling like a runaway... would ve loved to stay n catchup with some pp (esp bishop) i havent seen in a long time!

had headache the whole of yesterday. was hoping it'll go away after the Morning... but it stayed... was wondering why cos i had no stress (the wedding was piece of cake, ET later was settled by SS n SS haha... both of them are SS!!!) then concluded i m very tired n my brain was internally breaking down... some form of sadistic renovations were going on... hammers, drills n saws... 100plus didnt work... coke helped a bit... finally in the evening it felt better... got off the bus, rounded the corner only to be greeted with lion dance acts right UNDER my block! thot it was a cruel hand of fate my headache came back in full swing!

and now, sunday, as i type this, the lion dance troupe was at it again! wat is going on? not to pour water on their celebrative (n i think religious) event, but my head's killing me as we speak!
----
more on staff summit:
was kinda jaded n unmotivated abt going... told God abt my feelings n prayed dat it would be a fruitful time... n as u already know, those prayers were answered. the 1st sign of it being answered was when i arrived at the registration tables and 00 came, threw her arms around me (a little breathless, n disoriented n still loaded wif my barang barang) and said "we are in the same room! yeah!" n immediately felt God telling me this summit s gonna b good. stayed in the same bungalow with 00, Su, ZZ, dinedine, IN...

n got exposed 2 David Tao's newest album. ZZ, von n i agree that his vocals are lacking. he really was screeching on the higher register! nice songs tho... but after awhile, they all sound sama... dun understand how MM, 00 n others can b so gaga over him.

felt kinda agoraphobic cos of the haze... checked the PSI... decided cannot run even tho the beach is juz outside, or the pool's a stone's throw away... sigh... i preferred to stay-indoors n breath in air-con...

well, then sprained my ankle on the last night.. silly twist... now i gotta lay off running for a week...
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was juz pondering on my way back last night abt my current obsession (has been going on for at least 1 week now) - a wet n intimate thing... (previously was revival - was dreaming so much abt it, n almost everything i did, heard was abt it) hope i ll get over my current obsession... esp since actualisation is nowhere in sight. sigh...

okay... linn juz called me... nice of her... gotta go meet them for lunch... n then meeting re youth min... ciao

was away on staff summit hence was not able to blog... too busy lah! so many things...

STAFF SUMMIT - ONE Phil 1:27
besides it being very tiring - using brain in discussions and problem solving, worship, prayer etc fr 9am-930pm! was a wonderful time coming together as an organisation. the objectives of the summit were met (IMO). and the whole week was successful! lots of spiritual lessons...!

game time -
was extremely fun seeing how we were so totally aggressive and competitive, violent and rough! haha... i juz shrug at the intensity of it all.. but the new staff were more than taken aback.. lol... one of them mocked anger as she threw her bandana onto the ground saying, "wah lau staff so violent one ah? i dun wanna join staff liao ah!" i was so tickled. we really put in our all in everything we do huh. think it s an org culture. as if it was business as usual... which is really is... juz dat... all the energy and passion were channelled into games n not work this time.

dressed as big bad wolf, KA as grandma, YK as little red riding hood at Omega nite. acted as "Knee Mole"

had a gr8 time spending time wif colleagues... having long deep talks dat couldnt have taken place otherwise. yet, i missed the much craved for talk wif my darling... (didnt meet up cos we had other work appts n 'emergencies') n during washing up d last night, it dawned on me dat we really do put ministry 1st... time wif frenZ etc after... it wasnt so apparent in the midst of work and all... but, tonight, i realised i miss my darling...

was so busy with everything dat i didnt get to think abt my med min stuff n even read the 2 books i brought. (well, i m not being ambitious... usually i can finish quite fast... esp when i m already in the middle of those 2)

i've been stuck on the book- the other side of the story for a long time! i cant believe i m coming 2 d end of d 3 week loan period n still far fr finsihing! n the more i read, the more i shudder cos it seems like alot of the characters in my life converge n jump out at me as i turn the pages! 1st main character's pain is a tad too familiar, n she communicates thru email 2 her best friend who is is miles away... the next protagonist is called Jojo... the name reminds me of at least 2 pp i m close to, yet she (the one in the book) is the contrast of all of them put tog. then it is L. sigh... n then even G--- has to be featured; no matter how minutely. they were all about to come out of the book as living nightmare for me... n i stubbornly cont reading... wonder who'll pop up next...

anyway.. it s a very busy weekend. many thanks to the delayed ETA of an intimate associate, current mood stands as sullen and brooding, easily irritable, volatile... cAREFUL now...

fare well my dar-Ning in the land of the rising sun
Ning, i'll miss u MUCH! things wont b the same without you ard! even tho you say we've not been hanging out tog much anyway... but gal, u always are on my heart. there's much to say too... but words juz wont suffice. so shall juz leave it as I'LL MISS YOU... n you both are in my prayers. cya later at the airport

esp 4 YT

you are leaving on a jet plane....~
sigh... juz sent you off... u r airborne like right now. gal, u r SOOOO popular! wat a riot in the airport! n man... it's amazing... 1st time i send pp off n see so many watery, red eyes! how did u feel getting the first kiss fr me? u asked if it was my first... yesh... it's my 1st kiss! *think i have selective amnesia* hee...

so, finally u r gone! u ve been wanting this so long since i got to know u 6 years ago... n us getting so much closer juz 2 years back wen i was at my LOWEST. thank you for coming into my life, and for being there... for cheering me up and cheering me on... you are God's show of love and providence for me.

m so glad u r going to bless nations! literally nations!! rem "v" hor... so excited for you! jia you! you continue to be strong in the Lord n in His mighty power... and put on His armour! n love, love, love all those He'll put b4 u!

ok... oh oh! me'll go n read ur card now... hee. TC... cya on skype! n like D said - come back n we'll restart our TSC! LOL

back blog: thurs 12/10 super long entry - blown away!

0630- resolved 2 not be grumpy in the morning as i got outta house... jammed up my ears with my earphones n walked to the bus stop. a cyclist came up fr behind me... rang his bell, i kept left, saw fr the corner of my eye he took to d left too... i moved right the same time he moved right.. so there we did a little jiggy dance.. i finally hopped to the far right side and apologised profusely... which he chose to accept none of... n in turn berated me with vulgarities. so much for a wonderful start to a wonderful day. sigh...

on the mrt, my water bottle cap came off and spilled it's contents on me while i was totally engrossed in reading. my jeans, journal (nice purplish CLOTH cover) and bible were soaked! sigh...

i always have to get on buses driven by nice bus drivers who would stop at every stop despite the front of the bus being packed to the max; who would then let desperate passengers-wannabes attempt squeezing up; who would shout for pp to move to the rear; whose shouts fall on the deaf ears of "intelligent" pp n hence resulting in the bus taking WAY long 2 get 2 NUS!!! sigh...

felt led to pray something... but didn't... felt not too good abt that; as if i had abjugated some responsibilty. sigh...

0930- at EAST. late again... i cant really pull off going to NUS n get 2 my training on time. today's session was as if the Holy Spirit has prepared me for it... dat everything juz spoke to me... i was crying so hard dat i had to move to the rear of the class n sit there to wipe n face, blow my nose properly. sat there the rest of the day cos juz couldnt 'turn off my tap'. sigh...

1230- had lunch wif ning n XL at suntec Marche. final farewell lunch. was good catching up. think ning juz really couldn't believe i'd miss her much after she's gone. walking back to EAST, i wondered how i'd feel cos in the next few dayz, 2 of my closest frenz will leave s'pore. it hasnt really hit me yet. sigh...

1530- din think i'd volunteer to be case study... juz DIDNT cross my mind to do so.... until everyone was sitting there waiting for something to happen... n i juz cant bring myself to wait for something to happen. so i hopped up. sigh...

ann B. came up, put her arm around me, rubbed me and told me she was hoping i'd come up. she said that she was praying i would, n that she knew i would! n she said that she liked me... gave me a hug and squeeze. ah...

went in... felt scared! haha... makes me feel so vulnerable to be 'case study' n to be prayed over with 8 other strangers watching me cry, pour out my hurts and pains, and taking copious notes on how the trainer handled the 'case'. yeah... healing prayer training... feels so much like my NUS social work comm lab but much much worse.. cos this is NOT a made-up situation; u dun come up with a bogus problem... u kinda let the Holy Spirit lead how the session would be like n often it goes REALLY deep. anyway... i started crying again right after Steve C prayed to ask the Holy SPirit to lead. sigh...

tunred out I was SUPPOSED 2 b prayed 4 today... juz like Ann sensed n prayed. the Holy Spirit let no one else step up cos that place's mine. I needed the "heart-surgery" . so predestined. ah...

i used half a box of tissue... some of the pp were crying too... haha... kinda funny - them being there... was kinda distracting, yet uplifting. once in the middle of the session, i peeped at them and saw such empathy and felt buoyant by their prayers and silent cheering. Steve affirmed me much and much was resolved in that session. i felt God so gracious n wonderful to have made me go thru this. at the end of the session Steve commented that there's something in my spirit that endeared pp to me, that i have such a wonderful heart, such a gentle and sweet spirit. i saw many unanimous nods.if i werent so "cried out" then, i would have burst out laughing. think at least 5 pp came up (somewhere along i lost count!) to give me long BIG hugs n said alot of stuff. ah...

walked back to the chapel room n met Laurel. she remembered my name! n she even remembered when she taught me! (which was 5 years ago!!!) i expressed my surprise. and she explained, "how could i forget you? you are my fav student! you are sucha character!" i went, "good or bad?" "good of course!" "aww, shucks! that means i m no fun at all!" lol. and of course a hug came right after. man... i m so blown away... (juz when these dayz i kept saying, n feeling disappointed at how lousy a student i m - cos i lose interst v easily n 'dun seem to pay attention') n have u got any idea how dua pai n sought after she is internationally? n so is Ann! (Ann used 2 b a prof in Dallas!) then chatted wif Karen B... n she told me how much she liked me n, of course, d wonderful heart, sweet n gentle spirit thingy came up too (i was beginning 2 wonder if they were reading off fr the same script!) her actual words dat blew me away: evangeline, i adore you!" (eyes looking deep into mine, hand firmly holding my arm) AH...

i was like- what is going on? they didnt speak privately. but out loud 4 all 2 hear! Suddenly these pp(godly, Spirit-filled, well-proven in ministry worldwide) with different nationalities, from diff times in my life converging in EAST n giving me all these affirmation! like God arranged a "super-soaker" time 2 soak me in His overwhelming, extravagant love. n He used these pp i respect ALOT 2 speak 2 me in my 'love languages', not juz remind, but hammer into me HOW precious I AM to GOD! AHHH...! i could feel their love 4 me, n see it in their eyes this clearly n i felt God saying I love you way more than wat u can see in these! AAHHH...!

1830- went to NAFA 2 view the artwork in the galleries n print my fav digital art piece. so beautiful! felt so fulfilled, so satisfied! ate vietnamese food 4 dinner. so X! - i could have gotten it for 50cents in vietnam but paid $4 here!- but authentic! tot lam! ah...

2030- reach home... was so terribly tired. juz like many pp told me i would after the prayer session. i had wanted to type out all the deep stuff n even blog abt the above... but... wisely chose to go to bed. slept till 0530 next morn. ahh...

re Morning (con't)

went to bed way early to put into pract wat i had blogged previously. had a good 7 hours of sleep b4 waking up at 530 today. but after turning of my alarm, a million alarms went off in my head nonetheless. the only way to stop them was to go back to bed... sigh. i forcibly started up my CPU... i was up groping along the kitchen marbled cabinet top trying to fix up my ritualistic milo at the time i usually go to bed. my mum's usual resigned sigh (when she finds me at my work desk or reading still at 530) was replaced by concerned puzzlement. i mumbled, "I'm going down to NUS"...

was reminded of everything i hated about Morning! the sluggish traffic, the dehumanisation of drowsy throngs of uniformed students and power-suited working class packed like sardines on public transport. every inch of my grey matter was screaming, every bit of me breaking out in frustrated allergy to Morning.

apart from my natural inclination to the nocturnal, i wondered how much of my dislike of Morning is a choice, a cultured distaste, a nurtured habit over d years. i resent being part of the shuffling crowd n chose to go against d tide of plodding, trodding masses.

i was piffed at the half-filled buses that refused to stop n let me board. was it even ethical?! but hmm... wat does ethics got to do wif this? sigh... nevermind. who says my brain is working? got to NUS late, hot n bothered.

y m in NUS so early? well.. for something i deem important enuf... n finally haf enuf determination to not "juz be there in spirit" which i had been doing for sometime. i even got into GC earlier than anyone... but still, i marvel at how pp can do this... sigh...

Euge asked me wat's so special today that i was down so early. i answered that "everyday is special wat...this is the day the Lord has made". today is different fr any other that came b4, or is to come. and, i guess that helped set some things into perspective.

so now... to work!

i think i got it figured out: my strained relationship with Morning dat is. i hate Morning cos i love Night way too much. it reminds me of an idea in the bible where "hate" is "love-less". u cannot love something unless u love-less something else. u can love everything... but then that makes everything on the same level doesnt it? anyway, it's cos of this love-less-ness, that perpetuates this vicious circle of me not liking Morning, Morning treating me badly thus, and hence me hating Morning even more.

I love Night cos he gives me the space and silence i need, cos of the solace and serenity i find in his embrace. i don't like the demands n hustle-bustle of Morning. while the only noise of Night is the "snoring symphony", Morning's flurry of activities starts with the shrill of alarms, which is, well, alarming. looking at scurrying, flustered people, i wonder how many feel the same way as i do.

n one other important factor is this: Morning and Meeting are best buds! Morning always comes with Meeting! n i SO dun like meeting Meeting! Meeting always demand a high level of engagement and decision-making, and presentation of alot of facts and figures, which i m usually ready for only after Morning. and, in my opinion, Meeting is mostly a huge waste of time. alot of Meeting is NATO - no action, talk only. but, but, let's juz keep the discussion to Morning and Night shall we?

so... i shall try to spend less time with Night... rest n prepare for Morning and Meeting. i m sure Morning has his merits which i have failed thus far to appreciate. n since i m a peace-loving person... i shall call for a truce until we work something out between us.
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it's useless wiping the oil n grime off your specs these dayz. your vision would still be blurry anyway. it's like someone has clicked 'fill' and clicked 'white' n increased the opacity. coming out fr worship pract today, n walking down the hill, i got a wonderful view of how thick the haze was. these dayz, everything seem cloaked with dreaminess. n while i romanticized strolling with my Darling in such conditions, i was, of course, duly worried that my lungs n nose would start sputtering n choking up. yes... cough cough... *gasps* PSI 150!! praying dat my host of respiratory problems will not avalanche on me. this is when a gym membership will be needed!
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i opened my work email n found >30 mails! whoa shudder...~!

i m fuming! dun believe it... it's just the last few dayz left n still... why? why?? why?! argh!!
think i so need 2 quit being nice. MM said i cannot let pp walk all over me lydat. i noe n i will put my foot down on dis... but God, pls grant me wisdom in this.

i m surprised how my gaping wound seem to be healing so fast after the salt-rub. i recognized God's timing in this. n i realised now that perhaps the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" is true for alot of pp. n while i m still bewildered at how long this took, i m grateful that it was even said now rather than 10 years later?!? so yeah... Thank You God, n thank you MM.

i battle with Morning everyday. and without fail, i'd lose horribly. He overwhelms me with fatigue, sees to it that i'd struggle to get up from my bed & sniggers as i stumble around the house trying to gather myself. just today while my alarms went off at 0530, 0600, 0530 n 0730, he taunted me saying i don't have it in me to face him, that i was pathetic... & late. & he was... right. i hate Morning! why cant he just leave me alone? why must he have me concussed and zombified? what have i done to have deserved this?
one day, i'll triumph over Morning. i'll not be wasted nor wash-ed out. i'll be alert and ready to meet him. I'll show him who's boss!
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n tonight, i got on the bus on at 1130...check-out took way long. but enjoyed my time. reach home way after 12... yawn... was another long day...
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who would've thought today s the day i'd get the answers i had pined and whined for. she admitted to her crimes yet pleaded insanity. i kept asking "Why?" today... n i got answers in return... answers dat eluded me, kept me awake, kept me crying, kept me hurting for so long. truth betold, it was not i that was broken n yet got broken. the "sorry" was long overdue & yet fell disappointingly short. not because i wanted more. on the contrary, it only was wat i needed.it fell short because it only came solicited.

teared in the middle of check-out as fear n horror crept up on me... i'd swear a chill ran down my spine. i looked at her. wat if...i fail her juz like i've been? No... it will not happen. God forbid.

wow... i juz typed a very long entry dat got wiped off! so here's erm... my 2nd entry for the day...

anyway... tonight's grey's anat was... heart stopping! literally man... i give izzy an A+ 4 dat hysterical scene. not OTT acting. really good show of desperation. m looking forward to more good acting wen danny dies. n i tot george should've at least, AT LEAST said something like "thanks" or "i love you too" or smiled. leaving callie hanging after she bared her heart was terrible. yet dun we all have moments like dat? i have my own fair share of stunned, open-mouthed, non-intelligible, all-too-disappointing returns. oh no... is this gonna b another episode review? lol

today started out sucky. the weather din help. the haze hasnt been doing my nose n lungs any good. the sun's lurking somewhere, u cant see it but u still get blasted by UVs anyway. i didnt like it. would've tot it dreamy, romantic. too bad...not today.

my mood did turn. a good book, journal, in a cafe always does wonders for me... even if without a nice view, even tho it is the noisy crowded macs. stayed back after meeting krys. felt so happy n contented sitting there alone, not dat i minded company. sat till 1030 despite my stomach kept reminding me d whole time dat dinner's not yet arrrived. (not keen on fast food) oh... i think dat d prayer time wif her did help too! lol

d book's another of jennifer weiner's. i realised i kinda like to 'suck' up all a particular author's books, like how i did dan brown's. but this time's kinda coincidental. sms-ed XL asking her if she'd want to read this novel b4 i return it 2 lib. turned out she's juz finished another by the same author. so tmr we'll b exchanging! haha.

mood's not affected even after reading SS's email giving me notice dat she'll be handing me her leave form for approval. after taking all those leave, she'll have ONLY 5 dayz wif med! wada...

juz had the weirdest tot on sun after i came out of the lib wif an arm loadful of books - i should write a novel on myself! like how weiner pours so much of herself into every one of her novels. it's like her in different lives n roles! lol. dun worry, i wont try to publish... sure CMI one la... lol

ok... nite!

Happy Children's Day!
"childhood is what u spend the rest of ur life getting over"
here's to you who realise dat at watever age u may be, there's still a kid in you! celebrate!

praying dat u'll have dat child-like faith before God, that child-like trust in His leading, dat child-like wonder at life and not be blind to the miracles that God brings your way each day.

celebrate for you are HIS CHILD...!

one of my fav songs: I HOPE YOU DANCE by Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that youll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin might mean takin chances but theyre worth takin,
Lovin might be a mistake but its worth makin,
Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
(time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and
wonder where those years have gone.)

thurs
it's amazing... blogged i need company to go beach - 陪我去吹吹风 and turned out the very next night, SL brought me there... i didnt even plan dat... n we had a good time catching up. it s been so long since we tokked. n y i did even call n met up was cos of how God filled me up at the sem.

it was juz thru the song - You are so beautiful. n i felt God asking me whether i would show the people i encounter n minister to what God has been showing me - that they are beautiful; that God loves them so much. i cant help but see the glory and beauty that God has packed into them. yes besides seeing flaws and weaknesses, chips, the flesh n all it's evil, wounds and scars... it was a challenge, an invite... to love and to choose to see as God does... these past 2 dayz i was so drained and so "juz abt to give up". i had felt dat whatever i did was juz not enuf n the perennial question popped up again - is this worth it? so it was again with great embarrassment that i was reduced to tears (the previous night i was crying non-stop too!) during the song "You are so beautiful".. dat not only had i saw myself thru God's eyes, i was filled with the desire and strength to again see others thru His eyes.

n so, SL... looking at her, m reminded dat whatever failures and all, despite our faithlessness, God who is faithful is always there. m i m amazed at His love for her. it is so unconditional... n dat love dat i saw... beckons me to encourage, to exhort, to love her as He did.

T_T

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ministry is not about giving to others as much as God using it to mold his likeness into me... to cause me to see as He sees, love as He loves, feel as He feels. it is His masterful way of using others to help me as i, too, help them, on this journey to be more and more like Him.

i ve been changed. much. i blogged/shared b4 dat it is THE most exciting thing to have front row seats to witness God at work. n it is amazing juz seeing Him at work in me. i wanted to see/experience 1sthand, close up. yeah there i have it!
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fri
it was really good finally catching up wif FL over lunch. after so many postponements (cos meetings last min work responsibilities etc), missing each other n all... FL, my hero! she helped me clear the comm room at the end of her long meeting day! saved me from my hesitation and indecision! yay yay! applause!

sorry ev, too tired to hang out at ECP. amazing how i needed pp wif me at the beach n suddenly got 2 in consec days! another time, gal.