OD on frappuccino....
juz came back from Starbucks... had "venti" mocha frap with java beans... went str to toilet after meeting... too much caffeine... always has a laxative effect on me... n now a bit high too... the only time i feel energised for this whole day! Christmas task force meeting... thank God for a good comm! my goals 4 the meeting met... praise God for the event skeleton! juz hope we can keep to the timeline and everyone can communicate properly n work well...

today was a shiong day... felt a bit too worn out by 6pm... was telling God how i m still not used to such intensity. pretty draining emotionally n spiritually... but thank God He worked inspite of us human beings... n even answered my prayer re wat to do re DN... felt His guidance and empowerment.

my schedule's still a bit more tight than i liked... YuP juz sms-ed me n i realised i forgot 2 get back to her wen we were supposed to meet this week... so yeah... must postpone meeting her to next... n Cyn as well... nearly had to postpone meeting krys too... but glad i could still pull it off on fri nite. phew!

talking to Kimi on d way to the meeting was cool... glad she came despite her having exam tmr. she asked me abt my work... briefly told her wat i do... n before i was even half way thru, she interrupted n commented, "sounds like u r very overloaded!" sigh... i was not even half-way thru answering her! haha.

well, i m glad i m outta the pity party n low fuel zone... now beta a bit... will rest more... n rely on His strength. time's running out... n dec's juz round the corner... shudder shudder.... jia you, evan!

m glad n thankful to God for my family's faith n walk with Him. esp re my bro. bro n i caught Casino Royale recently (n separately), n discussed it last night... juz read this on his blog... n wat i read caused me to be glad... n relieved... here's part of his reflection:
"guess I loved it because it resonates what I secretly covet… Being intelligent, sophisticated, and arrogant...However, being a Christian, these aren't values and lifestyle I should hold on to... Instead of self-pride, I should be filled with humility and dependence on Christ. Humility isn't discrediting oneself of one's strengths….. Basically, I just feel that I need a spiritual revamp... Pride tells me I can do it by my own strength. The Bible tells me I need to submit myself to God's transforming power…. If we have our focus set on earthly things, we would desire earthly things and miss out on God's call on our lives..."

all the confusion, discouragement were dispelled on thurs late night (or rather wee hours of fri morn...) when i realised wat God was doin in my life... i needed to struggle through wat is ME n wat ISNT... i had to face my worst fears, and slay my goliaths... was kinda tough time till i began to stand up in the Lord and in His mighty power instead of cowering in fear at the spiritual battle... God was helping me re-errect my boundaries n 'definition of self'. thinking back, it seems like i was putting into pract wat Drs Townsend n Cloud wrote in their book-BOUNDARIES.
if you've been praying for me... thank you so much!

the tok wif Darling helped me better understand re David & Jonathan and how God knitted their hearts/souls tog. it s a beautiful friendship

collected the runner's pack on fri... was so excited... glad it was a little gym bag instead of shoe bag (gave dat for the past 2 years!). but realised i really CMI... sigh...
nvm lor... i ll walk then... m a bit paranoid abt not getting myself injured these 2 weeks from over straining my muscles or anything...cos i havent run for a long time (or rather i havent run for long in a long while)... so yeah... m not pushing myself for this week... cannot anyhow juz run alot without building up one... shall only do dat on sun. i dun wan to forfeit this race due to injury
had a wonderful time last nite. watched casino royale, then watched DVD all nite - appleseed, taxi1 n 2... then went down to NUS.. then GC... only to find out i DUN need to attend the meta meeting cos it's for the ops pp... i speaking so alot of meetings dun need to attend! sigh... so blur... waste time... could have gone home n 1. slept, 2. prep 4 my workshop! anyway ok lor... was a good day overall... thank God!

mum's operation went ok... will be resting at home for the next few dayz... pls continue to pray for her healing... n hopefully the results will be fine...

shall blog better... tired... too many things... oh.. yesh.. m trying to rest more too... =)

some people haf impeccable timing!
G--- sms-ed me after so long asking me how i m... n asked if it is possible to meet up... n asked me to take care... haiz... how is it he knows wen i m most down?
other then the above shudder moment, there were msn surprises:
MA came online n outta blue opens the conversation wif: *sends love and hugs*
n so did wolverine: evan! how now brown cow? dun frown drink chin chow!
juz brought smiles to my face... esp wen dey had no idea i so needed love n hugs... or dat i was really wearing a frown on my face! these 2 peeps never fail to cheer me up and warm me with their love! thank you darlings!

thanks, Liebe, for the dh... was just telling God i want it b4 i met the Ns... n... i m so sorry...
thanks, yeep, for always extending ur hand.

i have a splinter, a huge one lodged deep in my flesh... recently tried hard to get it out n made a whole load of mess... pricked, pinched, clawed, dugged, n made a bigger wound... lost alot of blood, body tired n numb, brain began to swoon... seems like my whole world's coming down in a crash... n yet... there still firmly stuck is dat hateful splinter in my flesh

oh weary weltered pilgrim beaten back by satan's power
there's still a place of refuge to be found
come back into His presence to the altar stained with blood
and renew again your covenant with Him

let me find You in the desert
till the sand is your holy ground
and i m found completely surrendered
to You, my Lord and friend.
so let me say how much i love You,
with all my heart i long for You
for i m caught in this passion of knowing
this endless love i found in You
oh the depths of grace, the forgiveness found
to be called a child of God
just makes me how much i love You
o my Saviour, my Lord and friend

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER DEAREST!!

милочка

я люблю вас (russian)

was pretty down today... but thank God He turned it around rather beautifully...1st...Liebe sms-ed stuff... then i could put a finger to my dissonance... then MM called n i felt dat God arranged tmr s meeting to help me get out of it... i was just crying to God dat i really dunno how... cos of min... feelin demoralised... discouraged n all... realised the extent of my tiredness

i love Liebe so much! feelin' so strong... (this line of some song juz came to mind... but dunno wat song... really wanted the dh thingy... but nevermind... janC gave me a huge one... n an excellent massage... n she noted dat we've not spoken for a long time... n admitted she missed talking to me... heehee

in the afternoon, apple delivery called to say they ll deliver today...! n then the recruitment vid recordin was fast, then my shuffle reached my table by 1905, then went for S&V dinner... was at 1st bad... but wat turned it ard were the pic-taking session (boycotting QW! lol) n taking to L... had a gr8 time catching up... all is good. n then a whole host of compliments –

WL, QW, SW, evie: You look great!

WL: "i didnt know u sing so well!" (my friends of 10 years didn’t know!)

SW: “you quite stylo one wat…”

trying to name my ishuffle... n i m taking forever!

yeahyeah!!! finally! after like hours... i found THE name!!!!!!!!!!!!! Schatz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i m getting so fat!!!! months ago i blogged (i tihnk) dat i have only one pair of dress pants that i can fit into... tonight, i realised, while trying them on, dat they too are getting tight! n it's not just my imagination... the scales oso say i m heavier than i've ever been before! sigh...

i really CMI man.... ran 1 mile, but walked 2! how m i gonna finish half M??? sigh...

weddings weddings... not that i dun share in my frenz' joy.. juz dat my attendance means torching my pockets! one of those things where i regret having legions of frenz... L was right... i wont turn up if i m not involved... anyway i ve done my fair share of so really getting involved havent i? sigh...evie n WP juz cant believe i can b dis bad...! yesh i noe it's "tsk tsk" to me... but the gal's gotta live right? =p but yesh yesh.. i cant wait for tonight...!

i have a whole load of sucky attitude! i m sick n tired of my excuses... of my whining, of my complaining...

my life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
i do not choose the colours He worketh steadily,
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and i in foolish pride,
Forget he sees the upper, and i the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
- Anonymous

27/C/F
Past Medical Hx: IBS, atypical pneumonia, asthma, chronic fatigue and delirium
c/o: frequent diarrhoea (psychosomatic), a bit "off" and forgetful recently( often double booking herself), sustained trauma re teenagers, lack vitamin S-11, has escapism tendencies, moody, irritate behaviour, erratic sleep patterns. suspected depression and early onset of dementia.
refer PSY.
Imp: chronic lethargy secondary to prolonged min overload
Plan:

- sleep x 6 hrs a day (at least)

- cut down meetings, & appts.

- retail therapy

- prescribed TLC cream and increased dosage of social(non-min related) activities.

- decrease food intake, increase running mileage.

- heed Matt 11:28, Ps 46:10, SOS 8:14, Mk 6:31
- 14 day MC!!! muahaha!

can u believe it? this guy traded paper clip for a house!

http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/story.html?id=4e3cf973-9ade-48cd-bffc-124fa67e60b4&k=35012

Ally McBeal!

Searchin' My Soul - written by Vonda Shepard with additional lyrics by Paul Gordon
I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind

Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind

Oh I belive I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in my life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

sudden nostalgic craze.. all thanks to D&D singing baby don't you break my heart slow...

I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got wacky
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you say, do you say what you mean?
I want our love to last forever
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

i actually went n dug out my copy of the OST! sigh...

i feel like screaming man...! so very tired. i'm juz taking things one day at a time now... it's the i'll ony prep for it the night b4... cannot manage looking into it any sooner... as D wrote in her mail "she is really swamped now..." haiz...oh oh.. pls pray for the Evangelism training for 2 cells on sun... i can only b looking into it on sat after work... hmmm...

thank God for last night's E LM... prayed for 15 people who would really b E warriors to come... who would b aligned to our E plans n commit to E... got 16...! was good time i think... hee... noting that i had an equivalent of writer's block for a whole day on wed! n of course... was good to hear B & JL's feedback and how the message spoke to them.

checked out D&D wif evie n WP last night... great voice n great voice n great guit playing... heard so many nice songs... will put up one of those songs soon... will search wen i got time... which... i dunno wen... was good to really got affirmed by evie when she told the singer that i sing very well... great voice... so embarrassing... he had to say over the mic dat i can sing but refuse to come up... thankfully not many people in there... well, had a weird moment too, when suddenly when i suggested evie to ask God for guidance she intitated for me to pray for her and started holding hands with me n WP... n there we were.. at Harry's... holding hands on the table and praying... so much for my E message... who would've tot God'll give me opportunities like dat so immediately? Praise God...

ok... breath in... breath out... oh gtg down nus now... ciao...

Whatever you think about most
Whatever you surround yourself with
Whatever you listen to
Whatever you enjoy, you will become as a person. Through repetition you start to gravitate to that which is your deepest interest.
Style is literally the particular way a person acts, his personality, and his mannerisms
It takes years to cultivate but it is not something that most people are aware of on a daily basis.
– Dave Brooks

makes me wonder... wat is my heart's deepest interest? would it be something of the world... or would it be Jesus?

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Phil 4:8

---
man... i realised i've regressed and lost alot of ground esp these past 3 weeks! lost my1st love (haha.. suddenly the meanings dawn on me), lost my mental strength and vigour, lost my discipline (should be pushing myself to run more but i so very lazy! really think i wont be able to make it liao... was juz recalling how at last year's 10k run i was tihnking i would ve died if i was running the 21 k and seeing the 10k-ers finishing while i have alot more to go! sigh...) and lost lots more...
only thing i ve super gained is WEIGHT! i m at my heaviest EVER!! (juz weighed myself!)
sigh...
----
started the week well rested.. all thanks to the wedding on sun that took every ounce of energy i had... (was the most stressful one i org n emceed... cos of reasons only my old classmates could understand... sigh... ) slept early sun night... was good cos i smart smart took leave today to rest n regroup n reflected! hee... so now... i m fine... was juz thinking dat all s well fr now... but then realised the wedding's only an item on my IMPT things to do list... up next is my message, then training, then big big stuff like my workshops on sun, for other youth camps n meta n mission trip liaising... sigh... hence i begin yet another hectic week... but in a much better state i hope! hee...
---

God broke my heart over the things that break His again...

CASTING CROWNS - does anybody hear her?
She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her ...
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction...

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians
Who acknowledge Him with their lips, walk out the door, and deny by their lifestyle
that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable

another has fallen...
WHAT IF I STUMBLE? - DC TALK
Father please forgive me for I cannot compose
the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows
If a struggle has a purpose on a narrow road you've carved
why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?

(Do they see the fear in my eyes?) Are they so revealing?
(This time I cannot disguise) All the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble? What if I fall?
What if I lose my step and i make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when the walk becomes crawl?
What if I stumble? And what if I fall?

Book of Jude
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy,
to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

had a gr8 time wif D. nearly postponed it cos i was so deadtired! decided against cos i go by the "never leave to tmr wat u can do today" saying... n i m not like cheong-ing or anything these dayz lah... n not as if i packed my celebrations way OTT... even tho been dressing up a little more these dayz... celebrations wat... but then remembered i need to save the nicest clothes for my weddings weekend! i toned down on my 'festivities' already liao... low key, nice dinners dats all... anyway, was telling ya abt dinner wif D... nice cheap cafe... can go back there again. this gal ah... is getting so MANY HUGE diamonds! was joking dat she s getting my guy n my wedding minus A! there are (i think) 4 BIG things on D's list that A n I r similar... well darling, i juz like the diamonds... n the vn part... otherwise... juz keep your pigpig. (haha... suddenly rem wat u both said - a shudder scenario: A getting intro-ed to me by PD instead of meeting u... LOL... well well... God IS good to us 3 huh! LOL!) loved the catchup and conversation. priceless!

i think i dun wanna Nov to end! not dat i cant finish my bday celebrations... (was juz joking i m taking 12 days to celebrate... n sang, "on the 1st day of birthday my true love send to me....") juz dat i really shudder abt dec wif all its work, christmas n meta! sigh... n m getting really irritated wif frenz asking how's V's wedding coming along... (sorry L n evie) yesh yesh... me the organiser... sigh... not complaining abt the weddings i m coordinating now... but note to self: no saying yes to organising weddings till further notice! haha

i m tired... m getting WORRIED dat i m THIS tired... when i m not sick, when i have more than 6 hours of sleep... y m i still SO EXHAUSTED???!!

MSN conversation dat JUZ took place:
MA says: your blog always makes me wonder about your schedule
MA says: and how can it be so packed
MA says: without killing you
evanLESS - toi rat met says: wat makes u think it HASNT ??
MA says: maybe you need to take a look at it next year and learn how to say no, and prioritise
MA says:not to say that you're not doing it now
evanLESS - toi rat met says: yesh mdm... wise advise... shall blog it
MA says: but it just looks unbalanced to the point of being really unhealthy
MA says: and i'm rather worried
MA says: i won't say that I UNDERSTAND, for understanding is impossible without being you
MA says: but I *GET* how busy life can be
MA says: especially with "good activities"
MA says:and ministry, and listening to people, and spending time with others
MA says: and it's hard, very hard, to come to a point when you say "no" to people and activities, because there's no point in time when ALL the requests come in to you; they tend to trickle in singularly, and then you say yes to individual activities, and then slowly they pile up again, and you're in the middle of another month, and dog tired and sick (again)
MA says: so if you can, start saying NO to activities (such as my christmas dinner) now, and thin your life
MA says: a too-rich diet has killed many a king
evanLESS - toi rat met says: ok! i ll say NO to your christmas party now thanks gal
MA says: okay
MA says: i'm just worried about you
MA says: not that you're not big enough to take care of yourself

n here's the clincher:
MA says: i love you very much and would hate to see you collapse from exhaustion

so touched! thanks gal... i love you very much too! wat a way to end a not-so-busy yet exhausting day...!

will u forgive me?

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23, 24

i juz did something long overdue. and felt the brunt of anger and got a glimpse of the damage i've done. and all i could say was "i'm sorry". it was all very humbling. and inspite of all i did, or tried to, i guess i have to admit i was so wrong. "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." - Prov 10:19

was so tired, needed to sleep early... was on my bed when i made the call... and now i m wide awake. n i think i've wrecked someone else's sleeping plans too.

n i realised it s easy to b like some who sweep it under the carpet, act like all is well, n pretend to have moved on, or others who, on the surface, seem to be your friend but sing another tune behind your back or some others who know restitution is needed but yet do nothing... Matt 5:23, 24 isnt easy... n while i try my best at it, i cant help but feel angry at these many others. oh well, juz do wat u need to la huh... set your eyes on Jesus, not on people.

God, pls come heal the hurt. sorry i had messed up and took so long to 'fess up, took so long to clean up.


thanks LP for sharing wif me dat which triggered this long forgotten "to do" item... your obedience reminded me there's something i needed to obey... jia you!

i had a gr8 birthday this year~! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!
m really thankful to God! was so overwhelmed by His love and the love of my frenz!

had a frantic start tho... conveniently overslept and took cab to NUS, then rushed n took cab down to GC... being late for BOTH meetings...

d students were such sweeties...! (Simz, Euge, YX, telle, WT, Char, Liebe... JonL, Shee, Hyun) waited to sing and wish me "Happy birthday" b4 rushing in for their lect. had Bakerzin's tiramisu cake and precious moments card, waterbottle (which i soaked in hot water in GC and used it that very afternoon).

Dr Gilbert Beers spoke about the Power of Presence - being there. that it is 1) God, 2) family, 3) ministry. that FAMILY is very impt. and also the need to ponder about the person of God. was v ministered to by the message and the worship. felt that it was a special present fr God to me since TPs wasnt supposed 2 b on fri. this one's special!

had oishi pizza with darling, za, tin, QW...

sorry had to turn down a few "last min" breakfast n lunch dates... see see... cannot last min one... must call and book at least one week b4 k? sorry for d disappointment. n yesh... i did NOT take leave! haha... so many pp thot i would...! hee.

had checkout.... then after work, went New Asia... with JL, XL & E. was a little high.... i'm on the TOP OF THE WORLD!!! oh well, at least top of s'pore...

dinner at prego. their service is v good man... had complimentary b'day cake whihc was v v yummy! n also off-key singing by the waiters. overall a great dining experience! haha!

and can u believe it? i met and was blessed by Dr Samuel Doctorian! He gave me a cross from Bethlehem too.

celebrated wif family on sat...

there's more to come this week... n i m so looking forward to them!

how u can pray for me esp or my b'day:
Pray that i have love for God, and fear of God in me always... that i will walk humnbly before God and man... that i will walk in the path ordained before me and not veer to the right nor to the left.

pray also for strength. i m very, very, really, really, extremely fatigued! juz seems like no amount of rest is helping... not dat i ve been resting too much. pray for rejuvenation of my body, mind and soul... pray for wisdom to do all i have to get done.

THANK YOU to you for remembering my b'day, sms-ing, msn-ing, calling, emailing your well wishes. SPECIAL THANKS to you who wrote cards, gave presents, asked me out, took the trouble to make reservations, arrange group and individual meet-ups to spend time to bless and shower me with your love. i thank God for you! i love you! you are precious to me! (gollum's voice *my precious...!*)

thanks GraceC, JanChoo, Jansen, Mag, Da, Hui (1st one on hp), Liebe, Glo, krys, charm, TN!

my fav part about haircuts is the wash. i love to have some1else wash, massage my scalp and neck... well, today, wat i got was a very very sore scalp! i think her nails so totally annihilated not juz the dandruff but everything else... when she returned me to my chair after rinsing the shampoo, i touched my poor scalp wondering what was left of it... yelp... it hurt!

had been wanting to streak it pink... but my senses kicked in last minute... shall save up the money... probably will live to regret it... oh well.. i could wait next year when i hit 28... so went for a simple trim...

my crazy, gungho bro went n got all 4 of his wisdom teeth extracted today... now he looks so terribly fat-faced... man... i wonder how he bears wif all the pain!

so sianz... juz found out the bank charge me $2 service charge for having less than the min amt in my bank! bully poor people! hmph!

still haven been running... leave home 7plus, reach home way nearly midnight... hmmm... i think this time really CMI liao...