it's the last day of a year i cant wait to get over with! wahaha! it's been a tough year...4 most part, i feel lost, bogged down by a lack of vision n passion, dryness of the soul. but then, looking back, i always say that of the year that i'd just lived thru, so yeah, the conclusion is that it's getting tougher with each passing year. well, it never gets any easier eh. but i so think it does gets sweeter =)

i consider my life a pretty good one. blessed with love and support of great family n friends. friends who showed me they love me and stayed with me thru the years... 20 years for 1, 17 for another, 15 for 2 more whom i would almost term "the cashmere mafia" or "sex in the city" as leen puts it. we meet for birthdays n celebrations, our ties transcend national borders, from japan to indian soon thailand. n not forgetting my JC  friends (esp Mong, LL n JY) who warm my heart in their own special ways. mentors who go beyond helping (Pat, yeep, Kim), a church that loves and supports me. a team (LT,SW, CL) who love n care n work tog supporting one another, disciples who have grown n showed me they love me too, n my best friend who challenges me to grow in ways no1 else can. n my family... one who support me in fulfilling God's call upon my life.the sacrifices i made are also made by them - the no money, no time etc they took it well in their stride. actually just saying this, 2008 kinda wins hands down! haha. 

1sts of 2008: my photo exhibitions, electric guit, credit cards, death of a disciple.

highlights: 1 month leave, silent retreat, medsci staff team, women's conference, 2 marathons, coming out from campus min. 

jokes of the year: chennai trip, sabbath year. 

God has shown me that He answers prayers, provides faithfully, loves deeply. there were many times when i felt i was really greatly favoured! n recently I was once again put to shame at how i fretted, worried, vacillated. oh me of small faith! 

ending here seems so unfinished, abrupt etc. but i feel like juz ending here. so here's all the the public eye. thank you for you... for you have journeyed with me thru this year. 

today was p steven's farewell. 

ate "orh ni" n my stomach was unwell the whole day. sigh.

m tired. this lack of drive, purpose n direction is killing me. and some other stuff that are total irritants r the straws that break the camel's back.

it's times like these that i fall into my stupid-less-than-mediocre mode where i'd rather not have something good juz cos i dun want the pain n trouble that comes with it. this is a mode that allows me to wallow in my mud  juz cos i dun wan 2 bother. i want that change without wanting to change. and all it does is to prolong my agonised state of being. why m i so stupid, i dont know.

2 worship pract, countdown, retreat, plans, proposals, devotion, consultation... 

i m trying now to prep for work n ministry in a befuddled manner. 

hush. be still. 

God is near.

my newsletter has been mailed out. if you havent received it thru snail mail or email and you want 2 have a copy, pls sms me.

Jesus Christ did not only paid for all your sins, He also paid for every answered prayer that you have and will ever have, every blessing that you receive. you cannot, by anything you have done or ever will do, add to or subtract to His grace and all that He has given you. 

it's a joy to see eileen back from IND even for a while. it's been so long. and i gasp at the horror of realisation dat we have been friends for 20 years! 

looking forward 2 tmr's gal gang usual christmas gift exchange. tho getting each other gifts have been progressively challenging. 

i have great siblings who love God and i think are wise in alot of ways. 

i still have alot of things to be done b4 the year closes on me! argh!!!!

m pretty stressed out for the min retreat on mon. Lord will You pls provide?

miscellaneous things i want 2 do:

go to starbucks, get back to running, to go to the gym, swim, give out all the christmas cards and gifts...

dat's on top of work, farewells, worship preparations, retreat and BS material selection, calling of drs n students, friend gatherings, funeral...

why is it that i m never ready to face the new year? oh well...

nonetheless, i think this year's gonna be exciting. despite my reluctance, there is hope that it ll b a better year. i do want to put the purposelessness, the detours, the traumas of 2008 behind and get back a sense of vision and clarity, direction and drive. 

i ve grown. to love better, to sleep deeper. =)

i'm leading worship 3x in 3 weeks. still pretty stuck on the songlist n arrangements 4 1st one. 

bro came back from KL trip. bought fake adidas sweater for me. i look cute n fat in it. haha. he v nice. helped me design my newsletter n got it done. it's a HUGE load off my chest! thanks bro!

n hui got a baby G! maybe she ll b given diamonds next b'day! haha. love the way she smiles... 

went n got some doses of acapella n christmas carols. i LOVE "agapella!" they're good! better than butak pantai. 

my sleep cycle's topsy turvy. all thanks 2 some sleepless nights. it's amazing how i can feel so jet-lagged. hope i can turn it ard. need discipline. 

i'm feeling better. i m surprised at how important closure is. watching the trip vid n photos helped so much, i somehow can b thankful 4 the opportunity of working, serving, travelling tog with david. n hope is returning. tho i still feel kinda knocked out n low, but i m processing with God. it's a little bit at a time here. i wish i can go faster. but i can only trust God knows how to do this cos i really dun and i m holding onto His hands. i need so much from Him at this time. need new vision, passion n direction. i need HS breathe on me, fill me, overflow. the jet-laggedness is more than a physical feeling. sigh. but i m recovering. it still blows my mind 2 know God wants me to go thru this. He is doing something here. 

God's ways are higher. unfathomable. yet good, trustworthy n.... perfect. tho really, to my finite, minute mind "perfect" is totally incomprehensible. one day i shall know. one day. n i look forward to it. when i shall see Him face to face. it'll be then that all the questions will no longer not matter. the day my joy shall be complete. the day i'll be perfect. 

caught IN HER SHOES on channel 5 tonight. i loved the story cos it s abt sisters, about growing up and coming into oneself. read that book, then caught the movie in the cinema, blogged abt it then and now blogging abt it. 

i had wanted, wished 2 watch it with my sis. n yes we kinda watched it tog. 

somehow within my heart, i do really want us to be really tight friends. that we can share our lives. 

i carry your heart in my heart. 

staying up all night at the airport right now. sent off the dental mt. 

i've come to realise how important it is to have closure. to say your "goodbyes." funerals are for the living, not the dead. and it is indeed better to be in the house of mourning than in the house of feasting (ecc 7:2). 

right now, talks about death (i'm sensitive even listening to med student talk abt dying patients!) or hearing abt the state prosecuting the bus driver who caused the accident can bring tears. i need some more time in mourning. sigh. cant believe how big a hole david has left in my life. i didnt even think it would be. so here's the realisation that everyone who has been in my life fills it in an inexplicable, unexplainable way n somehow by leaving i feel my life's been a little unraveled. 

re newsletter writing: still constipated 

a bit pissed right now at T2's coffeebean management. i m obviously typing on my OWN laptop n have a large drink still unfinished. n the manager can come up n say "excuse me, no studying." "i m not studying" "no art n craft (my friend was writing christmas cards!) or anything like that after 5am. m pissed. if i come at peak time, typing on my laptop i wont get chased away lor. n it's 5 am for goodness sake! 

yesterday was a day full of different feelings.

1. excited cos of stand chart. i always look forward 2 it every year since my participation in 2003.

2. frustration - my left knee started to give way at 10km. i started limping n felt like crying at 16k cos for the 1st time in a long time i didnt run with any1 so i could really run my timing but for my knee which havent been any problem for the marathons.

3. pain - it was very painful limping throughout. n even worse was when at 33k my right knee gave way due to over-reliance on it since my left knee gave me problems. i had to get bandage n re-bandaged. it was my lowest point. i teared a number of times cos it so painful limping. 

4. peace n joy - it s amazing how God ministers and speaks through pain. i felt His presence by my side while i limped my way. while i was so very disappointed to not be able to run, n despite my prayers my good knee hurt, i felt i gained a few insights and revelations about myself and my life. 

5. relief - throughout the marathon ( i wanted to type "run" but "limp" was more accurate) i had thought to myself that i would break down n cry after i complete the race cos it was so painful. but when i finally did cross the finishing line, i was just "relieved". no tears, no fainting, no whatever. 

6. numb - after i came home n bathe n ate n went to bed to rest, my legs slowly became numb n i kinda couldnt move them. that's physical numbness. emotional numbness was when joshw sms me during my run to say vince n him were going down to find david cos he was on the coach dat met with an accident. n when i was on my way home he sms to say they juz saw his body. it seem so surreal dat he would leave so soon. 

many asked me why i kept on running despite my pain. i think it's the same reason why i want to run. it's not for the medal or finisher's tee (cos i ve already got liao). cos even tho i did start of my long distance running with it somewhere as a goal years back, i realised that the journey is more precious. one could learn alot from it. oh well, i also know sun a long run is meaningless for many of you. then dont run lor, easy. dont even do it for the medal. you'll realise it's a lousy excuse when you go through the pain. a friend had a "die die must get medal n finisher's tee" attitude despite her injury. (but after she s got them, she said that it's pointless)

reflections:

- people handle pain very differently. some make the prize as incentive, a friend asked me to not think about the pain, focus on something else. whereas i think about the pain. i wonder about it. i feel it. n i tell, ask, complain to God about it. maybe that makes a lot of difference in my walk with God...

- my strength is not "physical". (shant elaborate)

- the run's God is training me (shant elaborate)

- i'm intrinsically motivated. i dont go for extrinsic rewards as much as most pp ard me. 

many would say "life is so fragile/short" etc. many doctors who are numb or de-sensitized towards death are "thawed" and are saddened by the lost of their dear friend n colleague. my prayer is that David's death would bring them an awakening n reflection  and grow in godly perspective on their own lives.

the doctor friends who identified his body would have more idea how he had died. i cant imagine the agony they are going thru right now. we "grew up" with him. 

to David:

i thank God for your life. while most think it was shortened tragically, i know that all the days of your life is written before any came to be (ps 139), that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Father knowing (matt 10). i know you are in an infinitely better place. i pray that those whom u love and who love you will know that too. thank you for serving and following the Lord while you were alive. thank you for always being that encouraging gentleman, the faithful ST who i can rely on. your CGH authorities gave testimony that you are a hardworking and promising doctor. you were. n i believe you fulfilled your duty, giving glory to God. and He will take care of those you've left behind.

the self-description i've always used on my blog and websites:

I’m an inanely intelligent girl who is introvertly extroverted and humbly proud; a pessimistic optimist, a talkative listener, a spontaneous planner,a myopic visionary, n a workaholic bummer all rolled into one. i'm also a nocturnal homosapien who's melancholically sanguine and painfully fun to be with! I love Jesus and am passionate about discipleship, evangelism and missions. i m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ!

I’m finally ready to change that description! Why do I want to do that? I think it’s time to update; have a more accurate description, do away with the “try to be cool” mentality and state as plain as I can, as honestly as I know how, the who, what and why of me at this point of my life:

i am a beloved child of the one true, living God. I will give my all to grow in godliness and holiness, to be like Christ and live a life led and empowered by the Holy Spirit. I seek to be congruent and honest to who I am, to come into all I can be in Christ. I want to be known not as a successful ministry leader, charismatic preacher, faithful missionary, humble sage, but as one who knows and loves God. I want to live not for the world’s applause but solely for my Lord’s approval; not for popularity nor fame but for charity and His name; to please God and help others please Him; to know God and to make Him known. I’m a disciple of and a disciple-maker for Christ The world is my scope and Jesus my Saviour, Master and Friend. With His aid I shall fulfill my call, for love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. 

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more about me:

I think I m intelligent but I have been proven more foolish than wise. Sometimes humble, often proud. Preoccupied with self more than I like. Extroverted but enjoys being alone. I am more people than task-oriented, slightly more left than right-brained. More explosive than even tempered

I enjoy 

starbucks (once in a while due to lack of disposable income!), 

good books,

sunsets,

long walks and slow jogs, 

the seaside as well as the crowded orchard road, 

the stillness of the night, and a splash of rain

Soichiro Honda quotes:

• Success represents the 1% of your work which results from the 99% that is called failure.
  
• The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred.

• If you hire only those people you understand, the company will never get people better than you are. Always remember that you often find outstanding people among those you don't particularly like.
• What we learn through failure becomes a precious part of us, strengthening us in everything we do. So let the tough things make you tougher.
  

juz read his biography. was amazed at his perseverance.