yesterday was a day full of different feelings.

1. excited cos of stand chart. i always look forward 2 it every year since my participation in 2003.

2. frustration - my left knee started to give way at 10km. i started limping n felt like crying at 16k cos for the 1st time in a long time i didnt run with any1 so i could really run my timing but for my knee which havent been any problem for the marathons.

3. pain - it was very painful limping throughout. n even worse was when at 33k my right knee gave way due to over-reliance on it since my left knee gave me problems. i had to get bandage n re-bandaged. it was my lowest point. i teared a number of times cos it so painful limping. 

4. peace n joy - it s amazing how God ministers and speaks through pain. i felt His presence by my side while i limped my way. while i was so very disappointed to not be able to run, n despite my prayers my good knee hurt, i felt i gained a few insights and revelations about myself and my life. 

5. relief - throughout the marathon ( i wanted to type "run" but "limp" was more accurate) i had thought to myself that i would break down n cry after i complete the race cos it was so painful. but when i finally did cross the finishing line, i was just "relieved". no tears, no fainting, no whatever. 

6. numb - after i came home n bathe n ate n went to bed to rest, my legs slowly became numb n i kinda couldnt move them. that's physical numbness. emotional numbness was when joshw sms me during my run to say vince n him were going down to find david cos he was on the coach dat met with an accident. n when i was on my way home he sms to say they juz saw his body. it seem so surreal dat he would leave so soon. 

many asked me why i kept on running despite my pain. i think it's the same reason why i want to run. it's not for the medal or finisher's tee (cos i ve already got liao). cos even tho i did start of my long distance running with it somewhere as a goal years back, i realised that the journey is more precious. one could learn alot from it. oh well, i also know sun a long run is meaningless for many of you. then dont run lor, easy. dont even do it for the medal. you'll realise it's a lousy excuse when you go through the pain. a friend had a "die die must get medal n finisher's tee" attitude despite her injury. (but after she s got them, she said that it's pointless)

reflections:

- people handle pain very differently. some make the prize as incentive, a friend asked me to not think about the pain, focus on something else. whereas i think about the pain. i wonder about it. i feel it. n i tell, ask, complain to God about it. maybe that makes a lot of difference in my walk with God...

- my strength is not "physical". (shant elaborate)

- the run's God is training me (shant elaborate)

- i'm intrinsically motivated. i dont go for extrinsic rewards as much as most pp ard me. 

many would say "life is so fragile/short" etc. many doctors who are numb or de-sensitized towards death are "thawed" and are saddened by the lost of their dear friend n colleague. my prayer is that David's death would bring them an awakening n reflection  and grow in godly perspective on their own lives.

the doctor friends who identified his body would have more idea how he had died. i cant imagine the agony they are going thru right now. we "grew up" with him. 

to David:

i thank God for your life. while most think it was shortened tragically, i know that all the days of your life is written before any came to be (ps 139), that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Father knowing (matt 10). i know you are in an infinitely better place. i pray that those whom u love and who love you will know that too. thank you for serving and following the Lord while you were alive. thank you for always being that encouraging gentleman, the faithful ST who i can rely on. your CGH authorities gave testimony that you are a hardworking and promising doctor. you were. n i believe you fulfilled your duty, giving glory to God. and He will take care of those you've left behind.