got alot 2 say... yet... nothing to write... words fall short... haiz...
times like this... i... need... a... hug...


n hey... my counter's been jumping... u, who s been reading my blog... tell me who u r k? got a scary blog reader recently... scared me...(haha... yes redundant, but it's THE adjective 2 use) so pls dun stay silent k?

juz uploaded this onto another of my site...

entitled "a Jog to remember"

my write-up on dat site: this is wat i do when i jog long dist... take pics during sunset! taken right at the end of Pasir Ris beach...secluded, scenic spot. i apologise for quality cos... its taken using my mobile phone. (hey i was jogging... cant expect me to bring proper cam right?! love the low sun n how long my shadow is... love the effect n composition... n of course the nice sand bar on which i ran on...

----

pic taken last June. amazing huh? bet ya din noe pasir ris got this corner! i got alot more g8 shots taken of sunset at pasir ris... wanted to 'stay with the moment' at dat time... but sun was setting fast... din wan 2 b there alone in the dark (no one near... notice no lamp posts too!)

haiz... i need to go jog! rain n rain today!

topsy turvy, sports n sorts

my day has turned into night, n night into day... this past week i have sleeping in the day n wide awake at night...haiz.... i really need to get it right.... like dat how to work?!?! =0

was awake watching sports last night... it then only occurred to me dat i do watch alot of sports. wanted so much to blog abt the winter olympics sometime back but i didn't... shant do it now...but juz one word - BEAUTIFUL!

watched the closing highlights of the commonwealth games... so glad we did well 5 gold, 6 silver, 7 bronze... n esp in racket games. tables tennis n badminton. made clean sweeps of mixed doubles. the triple spore flags being raised looked gr8! [applause]

disappointed in Li Jia Wei... lost 2 Zhang Xueling... 2 gold medals in this games, another 2 in... was it ASEAN games or ASIAN games? kinda 'flash in the pan' huh! dun get me wrong i really do like her... the ASEAN games endeared me 2 her... i like her personality n quiet demeanor... unlike the obnoxious Zhang and x table tennis heroine (Jing Jun Hong) who shouts and make weird noises during play... but fact of the matter is Jia Wei failed 2 deliver time n again! if Li got sportswoman of the year without a gold in her belt, Zhang should b more celebrated... realised i ve actually been following this sport quite alot! watched the Asian Cup Table tennis too. think i ve watched quite a number of No.1 Wang Nan's games.

n badminton! the m'sian Wong P.T & Chin E.H... informidable! they're classic case of 'do not judge the book by its cover'! i mean... Chin is oversized... doesnt look a bit athletic! yet... she s so fast on court!

i returned 2 playing badminton n finally gave up my resistance towards table tennis late last year... special thanks to my colleagues in community esp shirley n tin! hmmm... hope we can kip it up esp after the min reshuffle

n i watch golf alot too! gasps! nevermind dat i really cant explain e game 2 u... i really do follow the PGA tours! n last night, the Players Championship. 2 sports i gave up watching are basketball n soccer... dunno y... juz stopped watching NBA, n... 4 soccer... i'm sure the world cup will reinfect me wif soccer fever.

this song (one of my fav), "bring me to life" is dedicated

To you, Shushu, who has crossed over from death to real life. it's been hard on you. it's tragic. enjoyed d time wif u on 1st nov. i rem TONG HUA... said u'll teach me next time... i rem asking myself, "when?" i knew it'll b long... din think it'll b this LONG. 5th mar- y didn't u open the door? y didn't u reach out? i was SO close... i was there. i recall THE prayer 5 years back and it's the same prayer now. how accurate, how apt! may God answer my prayer. thru u i questioned n learnt much abt life - nature, nurture, consequence of others' n my sin, human deprivation; learnt much abt God - His love, mercy... till we meet again in heaven. finally. i cry...

To you, the living dead... may you know LIFE.

"Wake up, O Sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you"

after the wake

it's juz the restlessness in me... fed up wif e song, fed up wif how my blog looked... finally changed it. have been wanting 2 write my own blog skin but since i'll take a long time so settled 4 a simple blogger template for now.

came back home finally after living at the void deck since sunday... been one heck of a ride! slept n woke up at 8pm... been up n restless till now... (notice it's 4.50am!) man... i got training fr 9am-5pm... then another training fr 6.45 - 9pm! n it continues till sat... i think i m crazy. how m i gonna last?! how m i gonna concentrate?!

how's the wake? well... besides wat i've blogged earlier, it's really drama-mama... if u noe wat OTT means... it's OTT squared. (haha... theatre meets math) now i understood understood UNDERSTOOD my hereditary! performing is in my genes. *shake head*

big THANK YOU 2 those who prayed for me n my family during this time. was really a v emotionally n physically tiring time. was really bad. thanks for standing by me (esp 2 YT, Za...), sorry if i missed replying some of your sms-es... busy n stoned... dunno who i ve replied n who ive not.

thankful 4 d time wif relatives, n getting to noe them. thankful 4 the time we prayed together. it's the first ever! Praise God faith is found in the family. join me as i continue 2 pray for us for
a return to God,
a rekindling of genuine faith and fire for Jesus,
a release from anger, hate and pain, and
a renewal: deeper work of healing that comes only from the Spirit.

Dong-athon

hiaz... it s been very hard on every1, especially grandma. m really really really really dead tired. came back for a bath cos really cant bring myself 2 bathe there. slept a bit... now walking ard like zombie... headache since sat... shall have to DONG till wed afternoon...
will b making the void deck my "home". this is not the first time n i shudder to think this will not b the last. m so glad bro took leave to do "guard duty" wif me 4 this whole time. if not it'll juz b gals... had a gr8 time talking all night wif him. n found he can even sleep squating! impressive! hahaha... i can last better than him!
then i guess for the 1st time in my life i realised i got my "nocturnal" bit fr my dad.
since i was the person there most of the time, i had the chance to really talk deep one-on-one wif my relatives. m alone wif grandma most of the time... had a gr8 time wif her in the wee hours of this morning aft her sleep. finally was more conversant. n yes, i can really listen n talk like foreva... m amazed dat i can b so terribly awake anytime as long as there is someone who wants/needs to talk...
wakes do things to people. draw relatives closer, make people reflective, even feel remorseful or guilty for how they could have lived differently... things go beyond the superficial, beyond the taking for granted, beyond past faults and failures, beyond differences n grievances...
aiyah... i can go on and go... there's so much dat happened during last week n weekend i wanna blog down too... but headache...

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." - Ecc 7:2

UNCLE PASSED AWAY yesterday.
..................

was so looking forward to CSI Las Vegas... my fav CSI series... cos i like the Las Vegas CSI team best... but wen it finally came back on TV last night, i was too tired... n chose to work dat one hour instead!! n then sleep at 11!! hiaz... n this is how i hav been spending my mon nights... not watching Grey's...! but infront of comp! shucks... i really wanna watch Grey's! y is it sooo late?

another sign of aging - change in choice of spending of time!

"hey, Boss!"

went down to Mass Media y'day after my follow-up visit 2 doc... was listening to my MP3 when i tot i heard, "Hey, Boss!" i turned ard 2 c Clarence. din believe my ears... pulling my earphones fr my ears, i asked, "wat did u say?" he replied wif a grin "i said, 'hey, boss!' "

wow! i was so happy! not dat i liked being called "boss" esp now since i m no longer his boss... but e v fact dat he called me dat (he used to call me dat last time n i told him not to) showed he din mind me being his "boss" then... n it wasn't a bad working relationship. and we still r on good terms! dis matters alot to me cos i m huge on relationships... n of course the whole work thing was always a little complex... so relieved cos i ve been too busy to 'followup' r/s since he changed dept...

other things dat made me happy these days:
1. number one definitely belongs to my hot PINK v3!! i SOOO love it!
2. catching up wif frens - Yiwei, Ning, WL... n yes, juz reminiscing old times n the fun n crazy things we did...! haha... last night i rem being at Chek Jawa all over again! sooo fun! was telling WL dis will b 1 of those i ll rem n grin over wen i m 80 years old!
3. seeing people interested in n seeking God! so much 2 write on dis! eg Da vinci mag give-outs, evangelistic thrusts... but dis makes all the battles, the struggles, the hard work, the tiredness, n of course the meagre pay worth it! hang in there, dear colleagues! let nothing move us, for we noe dat our labour in the Lord is not in vain! press on!! jia you jia you!!

PAPA prayer

Our great need today is not to do more for God, it’s to get more of God. Effective ministry does not begin with the search for opportunity. It begins with the longing for rest, for intimacy, for relationship. The more intimately we know God, the more powerfully we’ll serve Him – in little ways and big ways. The size of our service doesn’t matter. Whether we serve Him as we change diapers or lead crusades, what matters is how closely we’re relating to God.Is He our “first thing”? Or are we more interested in the blessings of life and the success of our ministry? Have “second things” taken over first place in our affections? Prayer is not about getting things from God. It’s about getting God. It’s our opportunity to fall in love with Him, to hear His voice, to feel His arms around us, to go for walks together, to chat with Him by the fireplace, to see the glory of God in the face of Christ when all else is dark.

Learning to pray the PAPA Prayer:
Present Yourself to God
Attend to How You’re Thinking of God
Purge Yourself of Anything That Blocks Your Relationship with God
Approach God As the “First Thing” in Your Life

check out: www.ThePAPAPrayer.com

everything happens for a reason

"everything happens for a reason..." every1 seems to say n adhere to this... i for one do too... but only cos i believe in a higher power. not an impersonal power like Gaia... but a personal, intimately involved God - Jesus Christ.

old frens getting in contact after so long, me coming online to find 'breakthru conversations', me taking a certain route to bump into someone... everything happens for a reason...

having said dat, then, it seems only proper to ask, "what is the reason?"

is it a chance to b a blessing? to stretch out a hand to help or b helped... an opportunity to know for growth? a lesson in character building or is it gonna b a degeneration of sorts? an increase in understanding of who God is, who He has made me to be?

i m not proposing a fatalistic viewpoint where everything is set already... rather, i m saying, uncovering dat "reason" is like opening a bow-tied present, a wonderful surprise prepared by a loving God, not 'out to get you', but for you to discover His wonderful plan, His wonderful purposes... n in dat, lies a choice for you.

for me... i m still learning... dere's much to learn... there's so much i dun get n dun understand... Lord, help me.

it's 11/3/07! haha... or 03/11/07.... however u like to write it... same as my b'day! =p

watever... -/

went 2 benita's birthday party...! yay! rg8 party! had fun wif u gals!

was kinda stressed out in the day cos cant finish wat i set out to do. cancelled my other appt so i can go to the party, n come back 2 con't (instead of going 2 e other appt). stayed there till 10.30 anyway... so now pia-ing on my comp still...

took the bike instead of bus... had a gr8 time with my bike! been some time since i spent time wif it. my trusty companion for so many years, for so many miles... come 2 think of it, my bike is as old as some of you at poiema! wah....! it's been with me for about 13years! now, it's old n rusty, the lights, brakes, chains need replacing... it has aged wif me. i love it!!

juz cycling thru pasir ris park n connectors make me realise how dangerous and dimly-lit the whole place is! being an avid jogger, i m v familiar with these parts during the day... but in the night, it's really too secluded. (not a place to b alone after dark) it wouldn't have bothered me in the past. not dat i m afraid or something but dat i was concerned. n, yes aging sandpapers away the foolhardy impudence n non-chalence of youth... gals, take care travelling on these park connectors. i'm sure you've read abt stories in the news these past months...

slept at 11 plus last night... n woke up at 5.05am!! was shocked, n kinda didn't noe wat 2 do... past 2 nights have been sleeping 3 hours only so guess 6 hours at a go was 'too much' sleep already. walked ard a bit then forced myself to bed again.

overdosed on Augmentin. accidentally took 2 tablets instead of 1! argh. so blur! hmmm... wonder wat will happen... heehee

work mail change server... somehow my mailbox kena problems... cant email... it's been a week... got alot of things to settle but cant! poor HQ peeps serving us so hard troubleshooting... feel so bad keep calling them.

tristesse!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think technology is boycotting me!! my PDA, my desktop n the new mailbox syst are all not working for me! n the best of it, i dun have time to call HP!! back to back appt from 9-5 tmr! n there are urgent mails in my work mailbox i cant access! the HQ IT has been helping me today but to no avail. haiz... i need help!

lung flung... somebody call d plumber!

i felt so very tired these past few days. i tot i had recovered fr the trip to batam n all so i was puzzled. until this morning when i finally realised my breathing was "labourious". something was very clogged 9not juz my nose). it was like dat for a few days n i wld ve juz let it past except dat today was worse n i had a bad brush wif lung infection b4. dis felt like it so went to c doc after staff meeting. yep. i was breathing in deeply thru my mouth when doc was trying to listen 2 my lungs n he said, "breathe thru ur mouth". man i was! n he said it was too quiet. hiaz.... wat happened?!?!?! no wonder past few days i was so tired n dizzy. was put on e nebulizer again. felt better aft but doc said not as good as he had hoped. all i was thinking was, "wat happened again?!?!?.... like dat cannot run liao lor!"

i used to log in abt 20K a week but now, it's less than 20k since the year started! but now... it's no-no. hiaz.... tristesse! (french word in case u dunno)

the past week was really kinda good... so many things 2 b thankful 4! had a gr8 time wif my M4 guys on wed. finally had all 5 guys turn up. so happy! beginning of Lent, meet up wif a number of students, had good talks, finally wore the pjamas i sew in sec 1, old fren (JY) annual b'day meet-up, fri exam blessing was fun... tried effervescent vit c tablet in d mouth (with OY. had gd talk with him too). gives u dis tingling feeling dat makes u happy, n of course, burpy! then had a dental student (YX) tell me dat's not good for the teeth!! eeks!

sat 4 remedial lesson:
remember past mistakes, dun repeat it!
the past comes around to haunt (threaten 2 tear open the healing wound) n test u... rise 2 d occasion!
Key: discipline n obedience

well, well, it was all good. thank u God.

Moulin Rouge

the prodigal returns... sorry, lagged at blogging... not dat i din wanna... juz got other stuff 2 do

anyway, MOULIN ROUGE was on Ch5 tonight! missed most of it cos stayed at YT grandma's wake... tot i'd give it a miss... alas... the last mins were too good too miss. haha... n yes once again, 4 the umpteenth time, i wasted tears on the dying songstress as she gagged, coughed, cried, sang n dance away the last few moments of her life. man, i'm making something so terribly romantic sound almost... terrible! haha.

nonetheless, in my opinion, i think dat's d way to go. i dun wanna die peacefully in the bed. i'd rather b up, doing wat i was born 2 do n put up the best show of my life n go out in a blaze! reminds me of Dylan Thomas' poem we studied in JC "do not go gently into that good night. rage rage against the dying of light." scary i can remember so clearly wat i did 10 years ago!!!

.TRUTH.BEAUTY.FREEDOM.LOVE.
"the gr8est lesson u'll ever learn, is to love n be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

We love because he first loved us. - 1 Jn 4:19

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Rom 5:8

The LORD appeared to us, saying:"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. - Jer 31:3

u r loved. now, will u love in return?

the way i was made...
was listening to this over n over last month wen Grace lend me d album. liked it but it finally "hit" me 2 frudays ago wen i was searching for a song to choreograph 4 d conf. nope, didn't use the song cos it s too fast. women... 20-60 years...
n, today of all days i think this song's really is wat i needed. usually i love the lines;
"I want to dance like no one's around.I want to sing like nobody's listening... I want to give like I have plenty.I want to love like I'm not afraid."
today, it was
"Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone...
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me? Just praying today will be the day I go Free.
...I want to be the way I was made."

came back today feeling all so vulnerable and shaken. (wBMwJY)
m reminded of how i really do need 2 cover all aspects in prayer. so needed someone 2 pray 4 me... God knew n sent 3. met Wei on msn (was telling God how i miss her), called Kim (she made herself available), n Charmaine encouraged me wif Is 41:13 (i think! oops!). thank u God!

"That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
"So don't be afraid: I'm with you.
I'll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I'll send orders north and south:
'Send them back.Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.'
"Is 43:4-7 (The Message)

Chris Tomlin actually wrote a book of the same title! some extracts:
"You were made for more than this world sells...We were created to shine the spotlight on God, to spread the fame of God everywhere we go."
"The Bible clearly shows us that you and I have been uniquely created for a purposeful life. But here's the unamerican part: It's not meant to be about us or our career or our fame, it's all about God and His glory."
sounds gr8 huh... will check it out when i get the time...

JOHARI WINDOW

hey go check out and do this k? http://kevan.org/johari?name=evan-essence
Johari is NOT a malay name... haha! i personally think they should've gotten a better name4 dis... *shake head* anywayz, go do k?
kinda cool...
n, for those out there wondering wat i studied in NUS, this was wat i studied in my 1st social work module.