"how we think and what we think will affect what we do, how we lead, and how we use our time" - BX at ELT training this morning.
"you've got to think about 'big things' while you're doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction." - Alvin Toffler
i really m v tired! need to take leave man... my phlegm is so not clearing... i felt the room spin and my vision blur during meeting (despite clocking 2 hours of sitting down!)
been misreading or forgetting the contents of my emails! like forgetting 2 prep my devo 4 last fri's ELT, like today's pm meeting - i 've been exempted fr attending... n i didnt realise! could have arranged a DG this afternoon! sianz... so much work to do yet i keep dropping some balls! like dat how can i ever get round to doing everything? today's ELT was on OCM... and i realised i ve got to play too many roles, sit in too many comms/FGs and wear too many hats... while b4 i was underchallenged, now i m drowning! muahaha...
realised too dat i need to rest, n get back a social life! felt happier meeting up wif JL last night!
and was thinking i really need to start running or else i'll have to pull out of the race. CMI lah.
pray for me... dat i grow in love for and fear for God, and for wisdom to prioritise and strength to do what i need to...
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit...
Phil 4:13
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
i m sui generis! muahaha
God sent some pp to show me concernthru sms/msn:
J, D, MH, Allan, HY... then IN
IN: hey gal...remembered n prayed for you "He satisifies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Ps 107:9
Nguyện người ta ngợi khen Đức Giê-hô-va vì sự nhân từ Ngài, Và vì các công việc lạ lùng Ngài làm cho con loài người! Vì Ngài làm cho lòng khao khát được thỏa thích, Khiến cho hồn đói được đầy dẫy vật tốt.
God sent some pp to show me concernthru sms/msn:
J, D, MH, Allan, HY... then IN
IN: hey gal...remembered n prayed for you "He satisifies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Ps 107:9
Nguyện người ta ngợi khen Đức Giê-hô-va vì sự nhân từ Ngài, Và vì các công việc lạ lùng Ngài làm cho con loài người! Vì Ngài làm cho lòng khao khát được thỏa thích, Khiến cho hồn đói được đầy dẫy vật tốt.
Chúa ởđâu? Anh ởđâu?
a puro dolor!
the essence of prayer
"The essence of prayer is simply talking to God as you would to a beloved friend—without pretense or flippancy. Yet it is in that very attitude toward prayer so many believers have trouble.
"Because communion with God is so vital and prayer so effective in the fulfillment of God’s plan, the enemy attempts constantly to introduce errors into our understanding of and commitment to prayer. Every generation faces the necessity to reprioritize and purify a corrupted or confused perception of prayer.
"For many, prayer has been replaced with pragmatic action. Function overrides fellowship with God; busyness crowds out communication. For others, prayer lacks a sense of awe and respect. Their efforts are flippant, disrespectful, and irreverent.
"Then there are those who believe prayer is designed to make demands and claims on God. They attempt to force Him to do what they believe He should do for them. Finally, for some prayer is nothing more than a routine ritual."
John MacArthur 1995. Alone with God. Victor Books: Wheaton, Ill.
"Because communion with God is so vital and prayer so effective in the fulfillment of God’s plan, the enemy attempts constantly to introduce errors into our understanding of and commitment to prayer. Every generation faces the necessity to reprioritize and purify a corrupted or confused perception of prayer.
"For many, prayer has been replaced with pragmatic action. Function overrides fellowship with God; busyness crowds out communication. For others, prayer lacks a sense of awe and respect. Their efforts are flippant, disrespectful, and irreverent.
"Then there are those who believe prayer is designed to make demands and claims on God. They attempt to force Him to do what they believe He should do for them. Finally, for some prayer is nothing more than a routine ritual."
John MacArthur 1995. Alone with God. Victor Books: Wheaton, Ill.
Friday, October 27, 2006
wat some pp said of me today:
Za: Zai, vulnerable
LT: Good storyteller
WY: charismatic
WT: very interesting.... straightforward yet more than meets the eye.
went to City Hall's S'pore Biennale for the 2nd time... this time wif WT...
okay.. my voice has changed... pretty sexy i think... throat really hurts now... n really really tired... gotta go sleep...
a puro dolor
ich denke an dich
ich denke oft an dich auch
Za: Zai, vulnerable
LT: Good storyteller
WY: charismatic
WT: very interesting.... straightforward yet more than meets the eye.
went to City Hall's S'pore Biennale for the 2nd time... this time wif WT...
okay.. my voice has changed... pretty sexy i think... throat really hurts now... n really really tired... gotta go sleep...
a puro dolor
ich denke an dich
ich denke oft an dich auch
Thursday, October 26, 2006
my priority now is to prioritise...
Meta, Gen12, GIG, OA, christmas, Weddings, Coaching, birthdays.
vocals, art, korean, run with the horses, boundaries...
m v v tired. but now since my terrible bout of sullenness is gone... now i can focus on my work... the body will come since my heart is beta now... but but... my throat is v sore! greenish phlegm and all...been dayz... shall try rest. esp b4 party-season starts!
havent been running... it's kinda worrying... since all my colleagues are training well... i dun think i can pull this one off liao... sigh...
juz tot i'd put this up.
SURRENDERING YOUR DREAMS by Stormie Omartian
Most of us have experienced a time when our lives appear to be standing still. No matter how hard we work, it seems like every door is closed and no new ones are opening. Often that's because we have an image in our mind of what we want to be happening, and when we see that it isn't we think NOTHING is happening...God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making.
**have i surrendered all my dreams?**
Lord, i release all my hopes and dreams to You this day. If there is anything that i am longing for that is not to be a part of my life, i ask You to take away the desire for it so that what should be in my life will be released to me.
I realize how dangerous it is to make idols of my dreams - to try and force my life to be what i envisioned for myself .
I lift up to You all that i desire, and i declare this day that i desire You more. I want the desires of my heart to line up with the desires of Your heart.
As hard as it is for me to let go of the hopes and dreams i have for my life, i lay them all at Your feet. I know that as i die to them, You will either bury them forever or resurrect them to life.
I accept Your decision and fully submit to it. Lead me in Your path, Lord. I don't want to speak a vision of my own heart.
You never said life would be easy. You said You would be with me. I now take each step with the light of Your presence as my guide. Amen.
"Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."Psalm 37:4
are my desires from Him alone?
Meta, Gen12, GIG, OA, christmas, Weddings, Coaching, birthdays.
vocals, art, korean, run with the horses, boundaries...
m v v tired. but now since my terrible bout of sullenness is gone... now i can focus on my work... the body will come since my heart is beta now... but but... my throat is v sore! greenish phlegm and all...been dayz... shall try rest. esp b4 party-season starts!
havent been running... it's kinda worrying... since all my colleagues are training well... i dun think i can pull this one off liao... sigh...
juz tot i'd put this up.
SURRENDERING YOUR DREAMS by Stormie Omartian
Most of us have experienced a time when our lives appear to be standing still. No matter how hard we work, it seems like every door is closed and no new ones are opening. Often that's because we have an image in our mind of what we want to be happening, and when we see that it isn't we think NOTHING is happening...God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making.
**have i surrendered all my dreams?**
Lord, i release all my hopes and dreams to You this day. If there is anything that i am longing for that is not to be a part of my life, i ask You to take away the desire for it so that what should be in my life will be released to me.
I realize how dangerous it is to make idols of my dreams - to try and force my life to be what i envisioned for myself .
I lift up to You all that i desire, and i declare this day that i desire You more. I want the desires of my heart to line up with the desires of Your heart.
As hard as it is for me to let go of the hopes and dreams i have for my life, i lay them all at Your feet. I know that as i die to them, You will either bury them forever or resurrect them to life.
I accept Your decision and fully submit to it. Lead me in Your path, Lord. I don't want to speak a vision of my own heart.
You never said life would be easy. You said You would be with me. I now take each step with the light of Your presence as my guide. Amen.
"Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."Psalm 37:4
are my desires from Him alone?
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Growth is always worth the price you pay because the alternative is a limited life with unfulfilled potential - John Maxwell
desperate tears rise from the depth - i know not what they mean
silent screams rumble 'neath the facade - things are not what they seem
who can fathom the mysteries of the heart?
who can ever guess the sadness of the lark?
who can comprehend the ode of the soul?
who can escape the clutches of the Ghoul?
- J. Evanson
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. - Colette.
Show me someone whose life is cringe-free and i'll show you a dead person - "Gemma" in The Other side of the Story by Marian Keyes (p491)
desperate tears rise from the depth - i know not what they mean
silent screams rumble 'neath the facade - things are not what they seem
who can fathom the mysteries of the heart?
who can ever guess the sadness of the lark?
who can comprehend the ode of the soul?
who can escape the clutches of the Ghoul?
- J. Evanson
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. - Colette.
Show me someone whose life is cringe-free and i'll show you a dead person - "Gemma" in The Other side of the Story by Marian Keyes (p491)
Monday, October 23, 2006
juz watched matrix revolutions (i think..) on Ch5... here's some lines i tot were very meaningful:
(during the final Neo/Smith showdown)
agent Smith: only the human mind can conjure something as insipid as love...
(haha... dun think so man... was juz thinking abt it earlier today... sometimes i shock myself with how deeply i love another... me... selfish, self-centred me... can actually love pp so deeply i cant even begin to fathom it's depth! we are made for love, made to love... we love cos He [God] first loved us... 1 John 4:19 )
agent Smith: Why, Why, Mr Anderson?! Why do you persist?
Neo: because i choose to.
(AA's fri morn staff summit devotion question: what makes u keep doing min everyday? stayed with me. my old answer to dat question was - cos i choose to. hearing Neo reminded me of it. incidentally IN n i were talking abt it thurs night/fri morn till we were so tired we were dropping like flies. the staff summit IS very tiring! IN asked me wat kept me on staff... i answered - calling. i am very clear abt it. n i choose to obey my calling, work it out every single day...)
agent Smith: everything that has a beginning has an end.
the 'master' computer/ creator: it is done
(He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. - Rev 21:6)
Morpheus: i imagined this moment for so long (when peace was restored to Zion)
( things i have been imagining about will come 2 pass - revival, Jesus' return...)
Oracle's assistant: Did you always know?
Oracle: oh no i didn't... but i believed. i believed
top question of the month: W.I.M.A??
(during the final Neo/Smith showdown)
agent Smith: only the human mind can conjure something as insipid as love...
(haha... dun think so man... was juz thinking abt it earlier today... sometimes i shock myself with how deeply i love another... me... selfish, self-centred me... can actually love pp so deeply i cant even begin to fathom it's depth! we are made for love, made to love... we love cos He [God] first loved us... 1 John 4:19 )
agent Smith: Why, Why, Mr Anderson?! Why do you persist?
Neo: because i choose to.
(AA's fri morn staff summit devotion question: what makes u keep doing min everyday? stayed with me. my old answer to dat question was - cos i choose to. hearing Neo reminded me of it. incidentally IN n i were talking abt it thurs night/fri morn till we were so tired we were dropping like flies. the staff summit IS very tiring! IN asked me wat kept me on staff... i answered - calling. i am very clear abt it. n i choose to obey my calling, work it out every single day...)
agent Smith: everything that has a beginning has an end.
the 'master' computer/ creator: it is done
(He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. - Rev 21:6)
Morpheus: i imagined this moment for so long (when peace was restored to Zion)
( things i have been imagining about will come 2 pass - revival, Jesus' return...)
Oracle's assistant: Did you always know?
Oracle: oh no i didn't... but i believed. i believed
top question of the month: W.I.M.A??
Sunday, October 22, 2006
How am i to squeeze my life into a 27-inch luggage bag?! - ning (when she was still in spore n fretting)
"this is unfair!" - 25 yr old. (21st oct appro 2230)
yeah yeah... go scream it, champion it... welcome to life! as if u havent been around for the past quarter of a century. tell me if u can - wat abt life is fair? sianz... i ll take to that above comment easier if u were 5 instead of 25.
then again... regarding the unfairness of life... i began to wonder if being 26+++++ has made me take life as it is without batting an eyelid or twitching an emotional muscle...
was talking to some1 last fri and she was saying "no work tmr right? Deepavali .... blah blah..." i said "got..." n she said oh so u ll be paid double? i said "no"... n suddenly i din wanna cont the conversation any more... it s a little difficult trying to explain wat on earth my job is. well, i juz set a meeting on the next pub hol - hari raya puasa... i m not actually complaining... juz resigned 2 the fact dat i have not enuf evenings to do wat i need to for my job.
JL juz sms-ed me again: "hey i m back! when can we meet up?" n i replied all my evenings r out... pls do me a favour any1 n every1... dun chide me for my lack of social life or lecture me abt my need 4 rest or breathing space. dun rub salt on wound... my schedule packs up a week in advance... so to avoid disappointment, pls arrange wif me at least 10 dayz in advance... n if u manage to get a slot wif me... make last min changes at d risk of incurring my wrath. haha... i m seriously considering getting a PA to arrange all my appts for me... i d even raise support for her! haha
SAT at C n SC's wedding...
was so touched wen C sang 1 Cor 13 as SC walked down the aisle towards him! realised that i have been on this same 'stage' for weddings for as long as 20 years! wow... i rem my fav wedding - where we (kids then) sang "in His Time" to my fav sunday sch teacher... now her teenage daughter is the beautiful flower gal marching down b4 the bride...
i m in love with my voice! i think the mic n mixer did some kind of magic.yesh i m narcissitic!
had to rush off after my songs... took off my heels, got changed n flagged a cab... somehow kinda feeling like a runaway... would ve loved to stay n catchup with some pp (esp bishop) i havent seen in a long time!
had headache the whole of yesterday. was hoping it'll go away after the Morning... but it stayed... was wondering why cos i had no stress (the wedding was piece of cake, ET later was settled by SS n SS haha... both of them are SS!!!) then concluded i m very tired n my brain was internally breaking down... some form of sadistic renovations were going on... hammers, drills n saws... 100plus didnt work... coke helped a bit... finally in the evening it felt better... got off the bus, rounded the corner only to be greeted with lion dance acts right UNDER my block! thot it was a cruel hand of fate my headache came back in full swing!
and now, sunday, as i type this, the lion dance troupe was at it again! wat is going on? not to pour water on their celebrative (n i think religious) event, but my head's killing me as we speak!
----
more on staff summit:
was kinda jaded n unmotivated abt going... told God abt my feelings n prayed dat it would be a fruitful time... n as u already know, those prayers were answered. the 1st sign of it being answered was when i arrived at the registration tables and 00 came, threw her arms around me (a little breathless, n disoriented n still loaded wif my barang barang) and said "we are in the same room! yeah!" n immediately felt God telling me this summit s gonna b good. stayed in the same bungalow with 00, Su, ZZ, dinedine, IN...
n got exposed 2 David Tao's newest album. ZZ, von n i agree that his vocals are lacking. he really was screeching on the higher register! nice songs tho... but after awhile, they all sound sama... dun understand how MM, 00 n others can b so gaga over him.
felt kinda agoraphobic cos of the haze... checked the PSI... decided cannot run even tho the beach is juz outside, or the pool's a stone's throw away... sigh... i preferred to stay-indoors n breath in air-con...
well, then sprained my ankle on the last night.. silly twist... now i gotta lay off running for a week...
----
was juz pondering on my way back last night abt my current obsession (has been going on for at least 1 week now) - a wet n intimate thing... (previously was revival - was dreaming so much abt it, n almost everything i did, heard was abt it) hope i ll get over my current obsession... esp since actualisation is nowhere in sight. sigh...
okay... linn juz called me... nice of her... gotta go meet them for lunch... n then meeting re youth min... ciao
"this is unfair!" - 25 yr old. (21st oct appro 2230)
yeah yeah... go scream it, champion it... welcome to life! as if u havent been around for the past quarter of a century. tell me if u can - wat abt life is fair? sianz... i ll take to that above comment easier if u were 5 instead of 25.
then again... regarding the unfairness of life... i began to wonder if being 26+++++ has made me take life as it is without batting an eyelid or twitching an emotional muscle...
was talking to some1 last fri and she was saying "no work tmr right? Deepavali .... blah blah..." i said "got..." n she said oh so u ll be paid double? i said "no"... n suddenly i din wanna cont the conversation any more... it s a little difficult trying to explain wat on earth my job is. well, i juz set a meeting on the next pub hol - hari raya puasa... i m not actually complaining... juz resigned 2 the fact dat i have not enuf evenings to do wat i need to for my job.
JL juz sms-ed me again: "hey i m back! when can we meet up?" n i replied all my evenings r out... pls do me a favour any1 n every1... dun chide me for my lack of social life or lecture me abt my need 4 rest or breathing space. dun rub salt on wound... my schedule packs up a week in advance... so to avoid disappointment, pls arrange wif me at least 10 dayz in advance... n if u manage to get a slot wif me... make last min changes at d risk of incurring my wrath. haha... i m seriously considering getting a PA to arrange all my appts for me... i d even raise support for her! haha
SAT at C n SC's wedding...
was so touched wen C sang 1 Cor 13 as SC walked down the aisle towards him! realised that i have been on this same 'stage' for weddings for as long as 20 years! wow... i rem my fav wedding - where we (kids then) sang "in His Time" to my fav sunday sch teacher... now her teenage daughter is the beautiful flower gal marching down b4 the bride...
i m in love with my voice! i think the mic n mixer did some kind of magic.yesh i m narcissitic!
had to rush off after my songs... took off my heels, got changed n flagged a cab... somehow kinda feeling like a runaway... would ve loved to stay n catchup with some pp (esp bishop) i havent seen in a long time!
had headache the whole of yesterday. was hoping it'll go away after the Morning... but it stayed... was wondering why cos i had no stress (the wedding was piece of cake, ET later was settled by SS n SS haha... both of them are SS!!!) then concluded i m very tired n my brain was internally breaking down... some form of sadistic renovations were going on... hammers, drills n saws... 100plus didnt work... coke helped a bit... finally in the evening it felt better... got off the bus, rounded the corner only to be greeted with lion dance acts right UNDER my block! thot it was a cruel hand of fate my headache came back in full swing!
and now, sunday, as i type this, the lion dance troupe was at it again! wat is going on? not to pour water on their celebrative (n i think religious) event, but my head's killing me as we speak!
----
more on staff summit:
was kinda jaded n unmotivated abt going... told God abt my feelings n prayed dat it would be a fruitful time... n as u already know, those prayers were answered. the 1st sign of it being answered was when i arrived at the registration tables and 00 came, threw her arms around me (a little breathless, n disoriented n still loaded wif my barang barang) and said "we are in the same room! yeah!" n immediately felt God telling me this summit s gonna b good. stayed in the same bungalow with 00, Su, ZZ, dinedine, IN...
n got exposed 2 David Tao's newest album. ZZ, von n i agree that his vocals are lacking. he really was screeching on the higher register! nice songs tho... but after awhile, they all sound sama... dun understand how MM, 00 n others can b so gaga over him.
felt kinda agoraphobic cos of the haze... checked the PSI... decided cannot run even tho the beach is juz outside, or the pool's a stone's throw away... sigh... i preferred to stay-indoors n breath in air-con...
well, then sprained my ankle on the last night.. silly twist... now i gotta lay off running for a week...
----
was juz pondering on my way back last night abt my current obsession (has been going on for at least 1 week now) - a wet n intimate thing... (previously was revival - was dreaming so much abt it, n almost everything i did, heard was abt it) hope i ll get over my current obsession... esp since actualisation is nowhere in sight. sigh...
okay... linn juz called me... nice of her... gotta go meet them for lunch... n then meeting re youth min... ciao
Saturday, October 21, 2006
was away on staff summit hence was not able to blog... too busy lah! so many things...
STAFF SUMMIT - ONE Phil 1:27
besides it being very tiring - using brain in discussions and problem solving, worship, prayer etc fr 9am-930pm! was a wonderful time coming together as an organisation. the objectives of the summit were met (IMO). and the whole week was successful! lots of spiritual lessons...!
game time -
was extremely fun seeing how we were so totally aggressive and competitive, violent and rough! haha... i juz shrug at the intensity of it all.. but the new staff were more than taken aback.. lol... one of them mocked anger as she threw her bandana onto the ground saying, "wah lau staff so violent one ah? i dun wanna join staff liao ah!" i was so tickled. we really put in our all in everything we do huh. think it s an org culture. as if it was business as usual... which is really is... juz dat... all the energy and passion were channelled into games n not work this time.
dressed as big bad wolf, KA as grandma, YK as little red riding hood at Omega nite. acted as "Knee Mole"
had a gr8 time spending time wif colleagues... having long deep talks dat couldnt have taken place otherwise. yet, i missed the much craved for talk wif my darling... (didnt meet up cos we had other work appts n 'emergencies') n during washing up d last night, it dawned on me dat we really do put ministry 1st... time wif frenZ etc after... it wasnt so apparent in the midst of work and all... but, tonight, i realised i miss my darling...
was so busy with everything dat i didnt get to think abt my med min stuff n even read the 2 books i brought. (well, i m not being ambitious... usually i can finish quite fast... esp when i m already in the middle of those 2)
i've been stuck on the book- the other side of the story for a long time! i cant believe i m coming 2 d end of d 3 week loan period n still far fr finsihing! n the more i read, the more i shudder cos it seems like alot of the characters in my life converge n jump out at me as i turn the pages! 1st main character's pain is a tad too familiar, n she communicates thru email 2 her best friend who is is miles away... the next protagonist is called Jojo... the name reminds me of at least 2 pp i m close to, yet she (the one in the book) is the contrast of all of them put tog. then it is L. sigh... n then even G--- has to be featured; no matter how minutely. they were all about to come out of the book as living nightmare for me... n i stubbornly cont reading... wonder who'll pop up next...
anyway.. it s a very busy weekend. many thanks to the delayed ETA of an intimate associate, current mood stands as sullen and brooding, easily irritable, volatile... cAREFUL now...
STAFF SUMMIT - ONE Phil 1:27
besides it being very tiring - using brain in discussions and problem solving, worship, prayer etc fr 9am-930pm! was a wonderful time coming together as an organisation. the objectives of the summit were met (IMO). and the whole week was successful! lots of spiritual lessons...!
game time -
was extremely fun seeing how we were so totally aggressive and competitive, violent and rough! haha... i juz shrug at the intensity of it all.. but the new staff were more than taken aback.. lol... one of them mocked anger as she threw her bandana onto the ground saying, "wah lau staff so violent one ah? i dun wanna join staff liao ah!" i was so tickled. we really put in our all in everything we do huh. think it s an org culture. as if it was business as usual... which is really is... juz dat... all the energy and passion were channelled into games n not work this time.
dressed as big bad wolf, KA as grandma, YK as little red riding hood at Omega nite. acted as "Knee Mole"
had a gr8 time spending time wif colleagues... having long deep talks dat couldnt have taken place otherwise. yet, i missed the much craved for talk wif my darling... (didnt meet up cos we had other work appts n 'emergencies') n during washing up d last night, it dawned on me dat we really do put ministry 1st... time wif frenZ etc after... it wasnt so apparent in the midst of work and all... but, tonight, i realised i miss my darling...
was so busy with everything dat i didnt get to think abt my med min stuff n even read the 2 books i brought. (well, i m not being ambitious... usually i can finish quite fast... esp when i m already in the middle of those 2)
i've been stuck on the book- the other side of the story for a long time! i cant believe i m coming 2 d end of d 3 week loan period n still far fr finsihing! n the more i read, the more i shudder cos it seems like alot of the characters in my life converge n jump out at me as i turn the pages! 1st main character's pain is a tad too familiar, n she communicates thru email 2 her best friend who is is miles away... the next protagonist is called Jojo... the name reminds me of at least 2 pp i m close to, yet she (the one in the book) is the contrast of all of them put tog. then it is L. sigh... n then even G--- has to be featured; no matter how minutely. they were all about to come out of the book as living nightmare for me... n i stubbornly cont reading... wonder who'll pop up next...
anyway.. it s a very busy weekend. many thanks to the delayed ETA of an intimate associate, current mood stands as sullen and brooding, easily irritable, volatile... cAREFUL now...
Sunday, October 15, 2006
fare well my dar-Ning in the land of the rising sun
Ning, i'll miss u MUCH! things wont b the same without you ard! even tho you say we've not been hanging out tog much anyway... but gal, u always are on my heart. there's much to say too... but words juz wont suffice. so shall juz leave it as I'LL MISS YOU... n you both are in my prayers. cya later at the airport
Ning, i'll miss u MUCH! things wont b the same without you ard! even tho you say we've not been hanging out tog much anyway... but gal, u always are on my heart. there's much to say too... but words juz wont suffice. so shall juz leave it as I'LL MISS YOU... n you both are in my prayers. cya later at the airport
Saturday, October 14, 2006
esp 4 YT
you are leaving on a jet plane....~
sigh... juz sent you off... u r airborne like right now. gal, u r SOOOO popular! wat a riot in the airport! n man... it's amazing... 1st time i send pp off n see so many watery, red eyes! how did u feel getting the first kiss fr me? u asked if it was my first... yesh... it's my 1st kiss! *think i have selective amnesia* hee...
so, finally u r gone! u ve been wanting this so long since i got to know u 6 years ago... n us getting so much closer juz 2 years back wen i was at my LOWEST. thank you for coming into my life, and for being there... for cheering me up and cheering me on... you are God's show of love and providence for me.
m so glad u r going to bless nations! literally nations!! rem "v" hor... so excited for you! jia you! you continue to be strong in the Lord n in His mighty power... and put on His armour! n love, love, love all those He'll put b4 u!
ok... oh oh! me'll go n read ur card now... hee. TC... cya on skype! n like D said - come back n we'll restart our TSC! LOL
back blog: thurs 12/10 super long entry - blown away!
0630- resolved 2 not be grumpy in the morning as i got outta house... jammed up my ears with my earphones n walked to the bus stop. a cyclist came up fr behind me... rang his bell, i kept left, saw fr the corner of my eye he took to d left too... i moved right the same time he moved right.. so there we did a little jiggy dance.. i finally hopped to the far right side and apologised profusely... which he chose to accept none of... n in turn berated me with vulgarities. so much for a wonderful start to a wonderful day. sigh...
on the mrt, my water bottle cap came off and spilled it's contents on me while i was totally engrossed in reading. my jeans, journal (nice purplish CLOTH cover) and bible were soaked! sigh...
i always have to get on buses driven by nice bus drivers who would stop at every stop despite the front of the bus being packed to the max; who would then let desperate passengers-wannabes attempt squeezing up; who would shout for pp to move to the rear; whose shouts fall on the deaf ears of "intelligent" pp n hence resulting in the bus taking WAY long 2 get 2 NUS!!! sigh...
felt led to pray something... but didn't... felt not too good abt that; as if i had abjugated some responsibilty. sigh...
0930- at EAST. late again... i cant really pull off going to NUS n get 2 my training on time. today's session was as if the Holy Spirit has prepared me for it... dat everything juz spoke to me... i was crying so hard dat i had to move to the rear of the class n sit there to wipe n face, blow my nose properly. sat there the rest of the day cos juz couldnt 'turn off my tap'. sigh...
1230- had lunch wif ning n XL at suntec Marche. final farewell lunch. was good catching up. think ning juz really couldn't believe i'd miss her much after she's gone. walking back to EAST, i wondered how i'd feel cos in the next few dayz, 2 of my closest frenz will leave s'pore. it hasnt really hit me yet. sigh...
1530- din think i'd volunteer to be case study... juz DIDNT cross my mind to do so.... until everyone was sitting there waiting for something to happen... n i juz cant bring myself to wait for something to happen. so i hopped up. sigh...
ann B. came up, put her arm around me, rubbed me and told me she was hoping i'd come up. she said that she was praying i would, n that she knew i would! n she said that she liked me... gave me a hug and squeeze. ah...
went in... felt scared! haha... makes me feel so vulnerable to be 'case study' n to be prayed over with 8 other strangers watching me cry, pour out my hurts and pains, and taking copious notes on how the trainer handled the 'case'. yeah... healing prayer training... feels so much like my NUS social work comm lab but much much worse.. cos this is NOT a made-up situation; u dun come up with a bogus problem... u kinda let the Holy Spirit lead how the session would be like n often it goes REALLY deep. anyway... i started crying again right after Steve C prayed to ask the Holy SPirit to lead. sigh...
tunred out I was SUPPOSED 2 b prayed 4 today... juz like Ann sensed n prayed. the Holy Spirit let no one else step up cos that place's mine. I needed the "heart-surgery" . so predestined. ah...
i used half a box of tissue... some of the pp were crying too... haha... kinda funny - them being there... was kinda distracting, yet uplifting. once in the middle of the session, i peeped at them and saw such empathy and felt buoyant by their prayers and silent cheering. Steve affirmed me much and much was resolved in that session. i felt God so gracious n wonderful to have made me go thru this. at the end of the session Steve commented that there's something in my spirit that endeared pp to me, that i have such a wonderful heart, such a gentle and sweet spirit. i saw many unanimous nods.if i werent so "cried out" then, i would have burst out laughing. think at least 5 pp came up (somewhere along i lost count!) to give me long BIG hugs n said alot of stuff. ah...
walked back to the chapel room n met Laurel. she remembered my name! n she even remembered when she taught me! (which was 5 years ago!!!) i expressed my surprise. and she explained, "how could i forget you? you are my fav student! you are sucha character!" i went, "good or bad?" "good of course!" "aww, shucks! that means i m no fun at all!" lol. and of course a hug came right after. man... i m so blown away... (juz when these dayz i kept saying, n feeling disappointed at how lousy a student i m - cos i lose interst v easily n 'dun seem to pay attention') n have u got any idea how dua pai n sought after she is internationally? n so is Ann! (Ann used 2 b a prof in Dallas!) then chatted wif Karen B... n she told me how much she liked me n, of course, d wonderful heart, sweet n gentle spirit thingy came up too (i was beginning 2 wonder if they were reading off fr the same script!) her actual words dat blew me away: evangeline, i adore you!" (eyes looking deep into mine, hand firmly holding my arm) AH...
i was like- what is going on? they didnt speak privately. but out loud 4 all 2 hear! Suddenly these pp(godly, Spirit-filled, well-proven in ministry worldwide) with different nationalities, from diff times in my life converging in EAST n giving me all these affirmation! like God arranged a "super-soaker" time 2 soak me in His overwhelming, extravagant love. n He used these pp i respect ALOT 2 speak 2 me in my 'love languages', not juz remind, but hammer into me HOW precious I AM to GOD! AHHH...! i could feel their love 4 me, n see it in their eyes this clearly n i felt God saying I love you way more than wat u can see in these! AAHHH...!
1830- went to NAFA 2 view the artwork in the galleries n print my fav digital art piece. so beautiful! felt so fulfilled, so satisfied! ate vietnamese food 4 dinner. so X! - i could have gotten it for 50cents in vietnam but paid $4 here!- but authentic! tot lam! ah...
2030- reach home... was so terribly tired. juz like many pp told me i would after the prayer session. i had wanted to type out all the deep stuff n even blog abt the above... but... wisely chose to go to bed. slept till 0530 next morn. ahh...
Monday, October 09, 2006
re Morning (con't)
went to bed way early to put into pract wat i had blogged previously. had a good 7 hours of sleep b4 waking up at 530 today. but after turning of my alarm, a million alarms went off in my head nonetheless. the only way to stop them was to go back to bed... sigh. i forcibly started up my CPU... i was up groping along the kitchen marbled cabinet top trying to fix up my ritualistic milo at the time i usually go to bed. my mum's usual resigned sigh (when she finds me at my work desk or reading still at 530) was replaced by concerned puzzlement. i mumbled, "I'm going down to NUS"...
was reminded of everything i hated about Morning! the sluggish traffic, the dehumanisation of drowsy throngs of uniformed students and power-suited working class packed like sardines on public transport. every inch of my grey matter was screaming, every bit of me breaking out in frustrated allergy to Morning.
apart from my natural inclination to the nocturnal, i wondered how much of my dislike of Morning is a choice, a cultured distaste, a nurtured habit over d years. i resent being part of the shuffling crowd n chose to go against d tide of plodding, trodding masses.
i was piffed at the half-filled buses that refused to stop n let me board. was it even ethical?! but hmm... wat does ethics got to do wif this? sigh... nevermind. who says my brain is working? got to NUS late, hot n bothered.
y m in NUS so early? well.. for something i deem important enuf... n finally haf enuf determination to not "juz be there in spirit" which i had been doing for sometime. i even got into GC earlier than anyone... but still, i marvel at how pp can do this... sigh...
Euge asked me wat's so special today that i was down so early. i answered that "everyday is special wat...this is the day the Lord has made". today is different fr any other that came b4, or is to come. and, i guess that helped set some things into perspective.
so now... to work!
was reminded of everything i hated about Morning! the sluggish traffic, the dehumanisation of drowsy throngs of uniformed students and power-suited working class packed like sardines on public transport. every inch of my grey matter was screaming, every bit of me breaking out in frustrated allergy to Morning.
apart from my natural inclination to the nocturnal, i wondered how much of my dislike of Morning is a choice, a cultured distaste, a nurtured habit over d years. i resent being part of the shuffling crowd n chose to go against d tide of plodding, trodding masses.
i was piffed at the half-filled buses that refused to stop n let me board. was it even ethical?! but hmm... wat does ethics got to do wif this? sigh... nevermind. who says my brain is working? got to NUS late, hot n bothered.
y m in NUS so early? well.. for something i deem important enuf... n finally haf enuf determination to not "juz be there in spirit" which i had been doing for sometime. i even got into GC earlier than anyone... but still, i marvel at how pp can do this... sigh...
Euge asked me wat's so special today that i was down so early. i answered that "everyday is special wat...this is the day the Lord has made". today is different fr any other that came b4, or is to come. and, i guess that helped set some things into perspective.
so now... to work!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
i think i got it figured out: my strained relationship with Morning dat is. i hate Morning cos i love Night way too much. it reminds me of an idea in the bible where "hate" is "love-less". u cannot love something unless u love-less something else. u can love everything... but then that makes everything on the same level doesnt it? anyway, it's cos of this love-less-ness, that perpetuates this vicious circle of me not liking Morning, Morning treating me badly thus, and hence me hating Morning even more.
I love Night cos he gives me the space and silence i need, cos of the solace and serenity i find in his embrace. i don't like the demands n hustle-bustle of Morning. while the only noise of Night is the "snoring symphony", Morning's flurry of activities starts with the shrill of alarms, which is, well, alarming. looking at scurrying, flustered people, i wonder how many feel the same way as i do.
n one other important factor is this: Morning and Meeting are best buds! Morning always comes with Meeting! n i SO dun like meeting Meeting! Meeting always demand a high level of engagement and decision-making, and presentation of alot of facts and figures, which i m usually ready for only after Morning. and, in my opinion, Meeting is mostly a huge waste of time. alot of Meeting is NATO - no action, talk only. but, but, let's juz keep the discussion to Morning and Night shall we?
so... i shall try to spend less time with Night... rest n prepare for Morning and Meeting. i m sure Morning has his merits which i have failed thus far to appreciate. n since i m a peace-loving person... i shall call for a truce until we work something out between us.
----
it's useless wiping the oil n grime off your specs these dayz. your vision would still be blurry anyway. it's like someone has clicked 'fill' and clicked 'white' n increased the opacity. coming out fr worship pract today, n walking down the hill, i got a wonderful view of how thick the haze was. these dayz, everything seem cloaked with dreaminess. n while i romanticized strolling with my Darling in such conditions, i was, of course, duly worried that my lungs n nose would start sputtering n choking up. yes... cough cough... *gasps* PSI 150!! praying dat my host of respiratory problems will not avalanche on me. this is when a gym membership will be needed!
----
i opened my work email n found >30 mails! whoa shudder...~!
i m fuming! dun believe it... it's just the last few dayz left n still... why? why?? why?! argh!!
think i so need 2 quit being nice. MM said i cannot let pp walk all over me lydat. i noe n i will put my foot down on dis... but God, pls grant me wisdom in this.
i m surprised how my gaping wound seem to be healing so fast after the salt-rub. i recognized God's timing in this. n i realised now that perhaps the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" is true for alot of pp. n while i m still bewildered at how long this took, i m grateful that it was even said now rather than 10 years later?!? so yeah... Thank You God, n thank you MM.
I love Night cos he gives me the space and silence i need, cos of the solace and serenity i find in his embrace. i don't like the demands n hustle-bustle of Morning. while the only noise of Night is the "snoring symphony", Morning's flurry of activities starts with the shrill of alarms, which is, well, alarming. looking at scurrying, flustered people, i wonder how many feel the same way as i do.
n one other important factor is this: Morning and Meeting are best buds! Morning always comes with Meeting! n i SO dun like meeting Meeting! Meeting always demand a high level of engagement and decision-making, and presentation of alot of facts and figures, which i m usually ready for only after Morning. and, in my opinion, Meeting is mostly a huge waste of time. alot of Meeting is NATO - no action, talk only. but, but, let's juz keep the discussion to Morning and Night shall we?
so... i shall try to spend less time with Night... rest n prepare for Morning and Meeting. i m sure Morning has his merits which i have failed thus far to appreciate. n since i m a peace-loving person... i shall call for a truce until we work something out between us.
----
it's useless wiping the oil n grime off your specs these dayz. your vision would still be blurry anyway. it's like someone has clicked 'fill' and clicked 'white' n increased the opacity. coming out fr worship pract today, n walking down the hill, i got a wonderful view of how thick the haze was. these dayz, everything seem cloaked with dreaminess. n while i romanticized strolling with my Darling in such conditions, i was, of course, duly worried that my lungs n nose would start sputtering n choking up. yes... cough cough... *gasps* PSI 150!! praying dat my host of respiratory problems will not avalanche on me. this is when a gym membership will be needed!
----
i opened my work email n found >30 mails! whoa shudder...~!
i m fuming! dun believe it... it's just the last few dayz left n still... why? why?? why?! argh!!
think i so need 2 quit being nice. MM said i cannot let pp walk all over me lydat. i noe n i will put my foot down on dis... but God, pls grant me wisdom in this.
i m surprised how my gaping wound seem to be healing so fast after the salt-rub. i recognized God's timing in this. n i realised now that perhaps the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" is true for alot of pp. n while i m still bewildered at how long this took, i m grateful that it was even said now rather than 10 years later?!? so yeah... Thank You God, n thank you MM.
Friday, October 06, 2006
i battle with Morning everyday. and without fail, i'd lose horribly. He overwhelms me with fatigue, sees to it that i'd struggle to get up from my bed & sniggers as i stumble around the house trying to gather myself. just today while my alarms went off at 0530, 0600, 0530 n 0730, he taunted me saying i don't have it in me to face him, that i was pathetic... & late. & he was... right. i hate Morning! why cant he just leave me alone? why must he have me concussed and zombified? what have i done to have deserved this?
one day, i'll triumph over Morning. i'll not be wasted nor wash-ed out. i'll be alert and ready to meet him. I'll show him who's boss!
---
n tonight, i got on the bus on at 1130...check-out took way long. but enjoyed my time. reach home way after 12... yawn... was another long day...
---
who would've thought today s the day i'd get the answers i had pined and whined for. she admitted to her crimes yet pleaded insanity. i kept asking "Why?" today... n i got answers in return... answers dat eluded me, kept me awake, kept me crying, kept me hurting for so long. truth betold, it was not i that was broken n yet got broken. the "sorry" was long overdue & yet fell disappointingly short. not because i wanted more. on the contrary, it only was wat i needed.it fell short because it only came solicited.
teared in the middle of check-out as fear n horror crept up on me... i'd swear a chill ran down my spine. i looked at her. wat if...i fail her juz like i've been? No... it will not happen. God forbid.
one day, i'll triumph over Morning. i'll not be wasted nor wash-ed out. i'll be alert and ready to meet him. I'll show him who's boss!
---
n tonight, i got on the bus on at 1130...check-out took way long. but enjoyed my time. reach home way after 12... yawn... was another long day...
---
who would've thought today s the day i'd get the answers i had pined and whined for. she admitted to her crimes yet pleaded insanity. i kept asking "Why?" today... n i got answers in return... answers dat eluded me, kept me awake, kept me crying, kept me hurting for so long. truth betold, it was not i that was broken n yet got broken. the "sorry" was long overdue & yet fell disappointingly short. not because i wanted more. on the contrary, it only was wat i needed.it fell short because it only came solicited.
teared in the middle of check-out as fear n horror crept up on me... i'd swear a chill ran down my spine. i looked at her. wat if...i fail her juz like i've been? No... it will not happen. God forbid.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
wow... i juz typed a very long entry dat got wiped off! so here's erm... my 2nd entry for the day...
anyway... tonight's grey's anat was... heart stopping! literally man... i give izzy an A+ 4 dat hysterical scene. not OTT acting. really good show of desperation. m looking forward to more good acting wen danny dies. n i tot george should've at least, AT LEAST said something like "thanks" or "i love you too" or smiled. leaving callie hanging after she bared her heart was terrible. yet dun we all have moments like dat? i have my own fair share of stunned, open-mouthed, non-intelligible, all-too-disappointing returns. oh no... is this gonna b another episode review? lol
today started out sucky. the weather din help. the haze hasnt been doing my nose n lungs any good. the sun's lurking somewhere, u cant see it but u still get blasted by UVs anyway. i didnt like it. would've tot it dreamy, romantic. too bad...not today.
my mood did turn. a good book, journal, in a cafe always does wonders for me... even if without a nice view, even tho it is the noisy crowded macs. stayed back after meeting krys. felt so happy n contented sitting there alone, not dat i minded company. sat till 1030 despite my stomach kept reminding me d whole time dat dinner's not yet arrrived. (not keen on fast food) oh... i think dat d prayer time wif her did help too! lol
d book's another of jennifer weiner's. i realised i kinda like to 'suck' up all a particular author's books, like how i did dan brown's. but this time's kinda coincidental. sms-ed XL asking her if she'd want to read this novel b4 i return it 2 lib. turned out she's juz finished another by the same author. so tmr we'll b exchanging! haha.
mood's not affected even after reading SS's email giving me notice dat she'll be handing me her leave form for approval. after taking all those leave, she'll have ONLY 5 dayz wif med! wada...
juz had the weirdest tot on sun after i came out of the lib wif an arm loadful of books - i should write a novel on myself! like how weiner pours so much of herself into every one of her novels. it's like her in different lives n roles! lol. dun worry, i wont try to publish... sure CMI one la... lol
ok... nite!
anyway... tonight's grey's anat was... heart stopping! literally man... i give izzy an A+ 4 dat hysterical scene. not OTT acting. really good show of desperation. m looking forward to more good acting wen danny dies. n i tot george should've at least, AT LEAST said something like "thanks" or "i love you too" or smiled. leaving callie hanging after she bared her heart was terrible. yet dun we all have moments like dat? i have my own fair share of stunned, open-mouthed, non-intelligible, all-too-disappointing returns. oh no... is this gonna b another episode review? lol
today started out sucky. the weather din help. the haze hasnt been doing my nose n lungs any good. the sun's lurking somewhere, u cant see it but u still get blasted by UVs anyway. i didnt like it. would've tot it dreamy, romantic. too bad...not today.
my mood did turn. a good book, journal, in a cafe always does wonders for me... even if without a nice view, even tho it is the noisy crowded macs. stayed back after meeting krys. felt so happy n contented sitting there alone, not dat i minded company. sat till 1030 despite my stomach kept reminding me d whole time dat dinner's not yet arrrived. (not keen on fast food) oh... i think dat d prayer time wif her did help too! lol
d book's another of jennifer weiner's. i realised i kinda like to 'suck' up all a particular author's books, like how i did dan brown's. but this time's kinda coincidental. sms-ed XL asking her if she'd want to read this novel b4 i return it 2 lib. turned out she's juz finished another by the same author. so tmr we'll b exchanging! haha.
mood's not affected even after reading SS's email giving me notice dat she'll be handing me her leave form for approval. after taking all those leave, she'll have ONLY 5 dayz wif med! wada...
juz had the weirdest tot on sun after i came out of the lib wif an arm loadful of books - i should write a novel on myself! like how weiner pours so much of herself into every one of her novels. it's like her in different lives n roles! lol. dun worry, i wont try to publish... sure CMI one la... lol
ok... nite!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Happy Children's Day!
"childhood is what u spend the rest of ur life getting over"
here's to you who realise dat at watever age u may be, there's still a kid in you! celebrate!
praying dat u'll have dat child-like faith before God, that child-like trust in His leading, dat child-like wonder at life and not be blind to the miracles that God brings your way each day.
celebrate for you are HIS CHILD...!
one of my fav songs: I HOPE YOU DANCE by Lee Ann Womack
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that youll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin might mean takin chances but theyre worth takin,
Lovin might be a mistake but its worth makin,
Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
(time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and
wonder where those years have gone.)
"childhood is what u spend the rest of ur life getting over"
here's to you who realise dat at watever age u may be, there's still a kid in you! celebrate!
praying dat u'll have dat child-like faith before God, that child-like trust in His leading, dat child-like wonder at life and not be blind to the miracles that God brings your way each day.
celebrate for you are HIS CHILD...!
one of my fav songs: I HOPE YOU DANCE by Lee Ann Womack
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that youll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin might mean takin chances but theyre worth takin,
Lovin might be a mistake but its worth makin,
Dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
I hope you dance....i hope you dance.
(time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and
wonder where those years have gone.)
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