i cant believe it... i've found myself in a deeper "tired" pit!
well, i can take confort in what betsie ten boom said (when she was in concentration camp in WWII), "there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still."

i dun really like living my life glad that things are over... but i m sure very glad meta is over! (if u rem, i was so glad christmas was over!) n seriously, i m so not looking forward to jan n feb! Naked i campaign kicks off... ~shudder... can u believe i slept till 3pm today? rushed downfor worship pract barely prepared for it... so very tired... really... juz looking for time to catch a breather. tmr onwards is another crazy race...

i had become a coffee addict the 3 days of the conference! walking over to koufu to take way coffee or, if i had no time, bought canned coffee from the vending machine. so... for the next few days, i shall (fingers crossed!) wean myself off coffee. (i'd much prefer 2b a social coffee drinker!)

i have to give thanks nonetheless, not out of duty as it is out of gratitude for how God has met us at the conference. really. (something not to take for granted cos there were times when elaborate, big conferences were... juz elaborate, big conferences.) the way God met us to minister to the leaders- calling us to give our best, working as a team, contending as one for the faith, opening address - to run tog, run light n run with the end in mind, dave parks' sessions to know who we are in Christ, forgive, and our calling... it was so touching seeing so many students go up in commitement to heed their call for full time, and dave park getting us to commit to dicipling and helping them, getting them to affirm their commitment, getting the rest of the conferees to support us as a body. so darn beautiful (if i may use...) and seeing how God has met so many of the gals and hearing their sharing... so exciting to see pp grow in Him.

right now, i m at pacific coffee club... inbetween my appointments. juz finished worship pract, going over to LJ's place... DG gathering... she is cooking for us!

ok... logging off now to journal... need to regroup b4 meeting the gals... cannot give out of my nothing....

actually my mind's a blank... dun really know wat to blog... or even feel like blogging. haha.. but yes Jia en, i shall blog.

Merry Christmas one n all!
so glad it's over. haha.. really... Christmas has always been v busy for me... for as long as i can rem, i m either incharge of the christmas event or else heavily involved.
so glad this year my bro agreed to chair the comm. he is SOOOOOOOOO good! a great leader n servant. seeing him today wokring so hard moving stuff juz made me so proud to be his sis. he is not a leader who is not willing to roll up his sleeves n get to work. he is"with the people!". my sis too! so consistently faithful. can u imagine running the children's church every sunday? so untiringly... i take my hat off her. to the both of them!

today' evangelistic event went way better than i had hoped. we more than doubled our attendance. n our pastors really can act! haha.

while christmas has always been something i wanna get over, i dun really look forward to d day after Christmas... cos since working, it has always been camp time... when i was alone in med, it's a one staff run camp for me. but now... big scale meta... not necessarily easier mind u.

i kinda dun wan to enter into tmr... or the day after, or the day after dat! it's gonna b crazy from now on till valentine's day! sigh... God help us all!

christmas has been v nice... juz receiving the cards n presents, n giving them myself.
thanks gals for your love!

pray for me...
that i will love God more than anything else... n that i ll put him first, above even ministry ok? (excert from msn chat wif charm)
n for min direction - where abt in my work, n which min to direct my energies in for church as well. God has been igniting so many things in my heart! i need more time n space to sort out wat He is showing me, n what i m to do abt them.

thanks... n sorry for the long absence...!

another sleepless night. not because i dun wan to sleep... very much the contrary! esp when ast night i slept at 6am (or rather this morning!) m so dead tired. but m glad i think i managed to settle as much work as i can. i had so nearly didnt want to board the plane d day before! can u believe it?

gonna blog this, then go right back to work... n then put in last min stuff into my luggage.. then go off to the airport. can evan tell me y on earth did i book myself on such an early flight? i m going on a hol without 2 days of sleep! i'm so gonna hibernate there la!

earlier half of today was totally terrible. 24 hours ago, i had my heart totally broken. i so nearly crumbled. couldnt hang on. needed to walk away. woke up to the horrible realisation that i was supposed to be in office 30 min ago... n my office is 90 min away from my house! rushed out of my house only to wait 30 min futiely for a cab. sigh...

went into office to find out that a very impt document dat was supposed to be in my mailbox isnt there. made frantic calls to hassle the culprit. only to be chided by my colleagues for being too nice. i m not kidding. i was all too calm n nice over the phone, they say. sigh...i got a new found respect for loan sharks these 2 weeks! btw, do u noe where i can buy cheap pigheads? anyway, the first half of the day had me shaking with anxiety. really. i had witnesses who saw me shaking n in tears! sigh... so, when i had pp asking me how's life? i had to muster every bit of self control in me to stop myself from breaking out in cynical eerie psychotic laughter.

anyway, b4 i get back to my work, i'd let u in on my plans for the next 7 days... i'll b in vietnam! whee~!
i cant believe there was a point in time not too long ago that i actually really thot i'd not get onto the plane, not go for my long overdue for trip back.

plan for vietnam:
meet up with God.
rest. reconnection. rejuvenation. revival.
i so desperately need this.

pray with me on this k

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now Ive tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close dont ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know


Proverbs 10:19 more words, more transgression.
i dun wan to talk any more.
. . . still

LIFEHOUSE-EVERYTHING
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

which is worse - new wounds that hurt really bad or old ones that never did really heal?
- grey's anatomy

i think i need to clear the air a little. i might have given someone the wrong impression in some earlier post.

i m not looking for a relationship. and right now, i do not have any feelings for any guy other than my real bro n disciples (the discipler kinda love).

i'm sorry if u have misread my actions, taking my friendliness as a come-on or a "sign" or anything that might encourage you to think that perhaps, juz perhaps...

hence, i'm gonna to share something i have taken as very private...
so read carefully... npls dun pass it on.

i m not looking for a life partner. i m very contented being single, as i m.
especially recently, i have concluded that i, unlike most women around me, love to be alone, to run alone, to sit alone. i dun need a guy to make me feel better about myself. only at weddings or "bring-your-significant-other" gatherings. otherwise, i LOVE being on my own. i think i value my freedom alot more than my need for companionship. my need for personal space outsweighs my need for conversation.

i work alone better too.

typing the above lines make me suspect i m an introvert! haha... well, i guess i m two extremes coming together. most people, esp my closest ones will say i LOVE people. i give alot to people. people energise me, inspire me, amaze me... cos i see the glory of God in them. anyway... i digress...

while i love kids... LOVE! i can see how over time i have changed. while i witness my friends grow to love kids more... even those adverse, or allergic (if u may) to the little ones, their ticking biological clock n maternal instincts take over. some of the pro no kids ones are onto their 2nd or 3rd! but me? me who want to have my own kids? now... i think i dun wan them! haha...i feel i m travelling the opposite direction!

so yeah... coming back to what got me started, i dun wan to get married. if you are lookin at me as a potential, i'm sorry... for most part, i' m writing this as an open letter to you cos i m cowardly. i dun dare to tell u to your face. n i m tired of dropping hints.

i juz want to be a friend.

sorry for not blogging. i m very very stressed now. really. too stressed for my good. pls pray for miracles. it seems impossible to get wat i need done. n i m not imagining. n God speciaiizes in those... i need a few really desperately.

there's alot exciting stuff going on. n trust me, everyday the bloglines run thru my head. but i really cannot afford to blog! trust me, i dun even have time to go out with my friends now. sigh. really feel like i m a slave. so much for declaring n trying to live it out!

tc of yourselves yah. love ya.

there's a lot of stuff going on..

a dream come true. my photos are being exhibited at esplanade lib. LB asked me whom i ve told abt it after the set up... it was then that i realised... no one! i was surprised... someone as exhibitionistic as i... telling no one? so yeah.. i began to tell my close friends... n got the, "how come u now then tell me?!" fr FL...n my dg... n u who're reading my blog. so yeah. ok. i've told. haha. i was surprised that i wasnt over the moon during or after the set up. maybe cos i m really stressed this period.

i think it is impossible for me to do all that i have to do during these 2 weeks.
2 min projects that cannot move cos i need info that people r not giving me cos they too r too overwhelmed themselves. (i m v stressed out abt these!!!)
2 church projects that brings the congre to christmas n beyond
sisterhood, meetings, training, prep, exhibition....
i cant do it!!!! arrrggghhh *pulls hair*

STAND CHART HALF MARATHON.
paced YW. jo n joo finished ard my last year's timing. this year i went soooooo slowly! next year...
as usual, a lot of stuff went on in my head.
1) i was surprised that i chose to pace someone. it did something huge for me. i realised this was something i would really love to have done to me. realising that brought me to another thought - if the 2 r mismatched in speed n stamina, someone had to forgo his timing, sacrifice potential, what could be. i was huge on running ur own race... n i wondered which is more important to me: to have someone 2 journey with, regardless of whose potential the duo is sacrificing, or to find someone who is at the same pace, growing tog properly, neither sacrificing their potential, their own journey, or not journey tog at all .

2) i believed a lot in my students. their potential, the heights they can reach, great exploits for the kingdom of God... if only i believed in myself half as much! it occurred to me, while i pounded on the tar, that i should begin 2 c myself in a much more different light, that i should begin considering myself from a heavenly perspective too.

3) i lacked the mental strength that i so need.

next year's stand chart...another dream to come true.

LB juz told me she realised i m not a linguistic as she tot i was. so yeah.
i realy do hav trouble expressing all that's in my head.

the spore version of this ad ends with "for friendship, for greatness"...

something incredible JUZ happened. (like a min ago when i was just loading this page!) that someone sms me to ask for forgiveness! my reactions:
1. i m surprised. (eyes widened, mouth ajar kinda surprised)
2. i wonder if this is the real deal. cos it s been so long drawn, bitter n ugly n too many sorrys were made out.
3. i hope this is the real deal. i really do. not juz for my sake but for his n everyone's. it's been such a draining yet growing experience. we all r so tired fr this, but of course we've all grown. the principles of Matt 18 n "love covers over a multitude of sins" are difficult. but needful. i ve learnt n grown.
4. of course i wasted no time in replying him to say i've already forgiven him. n i accept his sorry. thanks bro! n enjoy his hol.
5. i'm sealing this apology n acceptance of it in Christ. let it be final. it s been paid for in Christ, let forgiveness be extended, healing administered by the Holy Ghost, n reconciliation btw us to take place. Let Him who is our peace who has broken down every wall lead n guide us, portect n nurture our relationship in Him.

i had come online to blog abt the discovery of my 1st white hair!!!!! i saw it in the mirror juz now when i went to the bathroom to take off my contacts. it was excitment mixed with horror. i rushed in to tell my bro who was at the comp then n then called j. my first white hair at 28! whoa.....

so yeah. i had initially came home to rest. really v tired. but now... think my mind a bit blown away. cannot shut down properly. ahha. so let me type on.

worship went well today. pastor's wife asked me if i felt privileged to lead bishop in worship n get praised for it. n juz b4 i shrug it off as leading worship is leading worship, no matter who i m leading, that i realised, just this year, i ve led a number of bishops in worship - s'pore's, madagascar's, bolivia's n today, uganda's. n even tho my church is a small church, these bishops came cos of my pastor's appt. n on top of it, alot more pastors from diff churches n denominations too. (once in a service, we had 2 bishops, 3 reverends!) n today was not the first time a bishop thanked me re worship. but well, leading worship is leading worship. it's not made a bigger deal by who is in the congregation, it is a big deal cos worship is what saints do - sinners saved by grace, exalting a great n mighty God, the true n living God. the object of worship is what makes worship of it a big or small deal.

i liked the way we did "my redeemer lives" and "may our homes be filled.." i liked the way we played tog as a band today. i liked the "mo qi". i liked the way God comes n minister to His people. even thru the sermon. it's amazing how God has spoken thru every sermon these few months. i keep hearing how diff ones receive a timely word of rebuke, exhortation etc. God is alive, molding the likeness of His Son in each of us. praise Him who has begun a good work in us, cos He will never give up on us, and will bring His work to completion (perfection) until the day of His return.

this sms juz came in from Angie:

oh! i forgot to let u know THANK U FOR LEADING TODAY. it was AWESOME! i felt GOD gave me a BIG hug. it was like feeling a dad's heartbeat.

wow... cool huh. God is such a tender God. "hold me close, let Your love surround me.... bring me near, draw me to your heart~"

ok, i shall try to rest now. really falling apart physically. hope later it'll stop pouring, n clear up enough for me to go run. next week's my half marathon! n yesh................... the longest training i've done for it was the 3k run n 9k walk! jiat lat! lol

vindicated on fri.
only to find that i ve paid too high a cost.
lost my home ground.
hope?

hope crumbles down like a deck of cards.

like a sailboat out at sea and the winds cease


show me how You ll work this out.
Show me Your hand in this.
show me what You want of me.
Show me how i can glorify You thru this.

give me strength
give me hope
give me reason to go on, reason to believe
i chose to love
i chose to forgive



"God is my shield, saving whose hearts r true n right. God is an honest judge." Psalm 7:10.11a
may u rem God in ur situation. May he guide, strengthen n protect u.

juz wanna affirm u tat u r doing gd so far - trusting God n being humble. May God give u e endurance n wisdom 2go thru this. Jesus cares 4u n will help u.

dun blame yourself. it's really not you.

that's wat pp say.
what do You say?

thank you for joining us for E Van news (evan muse, or the venues).

the blogger is back but her chips r down.
juz when she thinks life's getting beta... n that she ll have time to breathe life onto her blog... she found out... she is wrong!

i m beginning to wonder if my sense of optimism is essentially terribly flawed.
m i hoping for hope's sake ( cos it's a better option, juz so that i dun drown in melancholic gloom), that it is really juz building castles in the air? is my hope based firmly in God?


how big is the 'plank' in my eye, i wonder.


i never know life can outdo itself so "wonderfully", i outdo myself so masochistically.
the journey: the peaks juz gets higher, the pits juz gets deeper.

vocab: the word "busy" juz gets more n more comprehensive, expansive. i never thought my "busy" could be this "busy". my "busy" has grown. "busy" juz gets "busier", "shitty" just gets "shittier". if it was a stock, i would be rich from its appreciation. n i'd get more "shit" if i've invested in it.
(disclaimer: do not think that the blogger has used any offensive language in this entry. your shit may not mean the same as the blogger's. any similarity is purely coincidental.)

"whether" forecast:
monsoon season. continuing the spell of severe emotional "(d)rain for these 2 days, we can expect thunder and hailstorms with torrential rain on thurs and friday. taking cover is futile. it's the work of the Almighty. the real Almighty. not Evan Almighty.

whether the weather is cold,
whether the weather is hot,
you've got to weather the weather,
whatever the weather
whether you like it or not.

we now go for a commerical break.

have a break, have a bipolar moment!

had a gr8 (totally!) time with lily yesterday. went 2 her house, she cooked for 4 persons - she, me, me n me. managed to finish all except some shreds of green. (which her hubby claimed tasted like pesticide. which made me wonder "how'd he know?" u mean u noe how pesticides tastes like? i asked her to reply him if the incident repeats itself that he isnt a pest, so she isnt trying to kill him.) talked crap. i managed to praise her cooking to the skies and caused her to come under delusion that she is the world's best cook in bid of securing my position as her number 2 fan. she claimed 1. that i m the most Christ-like person she knows even imitating His words (well, she had said it with more punch) when i quoted "i've come to turn mothers against daughters...." when i told her i'll get her daughter to invite me to her wedding disregarding her objections on grounds that i had boycotted hers., (both she n i agreed that she'll continue to use that against me for the rest of our lives cos it's juz too good to let up. i'll always be guilt ridden!) 2. that i sprout things that make very good quotes (she asked me to repeat some, n was visibly trying to remember them). looked at wedding pics (hers n QW's). her wedding vid made me tear. specifically her answer to "how do you know he is the one?" i m a diehard romantic. n so is she.

thank you for staying with channel NUTS. we've come to the end of transmission. pls tune in again next time, whenever 'next time' is. all programmes are rated PG-(profuse gabbing). only for the discerning, not for the faint-farted.
*evan anthem plays* Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo-oooooooo mari kita rakyat......

ya noe, i think the blogger is back! i hope she is.

there's many times in the day i'd think, "i want to blog this down!" but when i get home which is late, like 1245am tonight, i would be to tired or lazy to blog or worse, i would have forgotten what it was! like tonight. just at the beginning of supper min, i had a great blogging idea... but seriously, as i travelled the 90 mins home, i couldnt, for the love of me, remember what it was that i had so wanted to blog.

small wonder why writers who are serious (i think) about writing carry around pocket books to scribble writing ideas (not unlike what i did on the feeder bus past midnight tonight, trying to scribble down whatever's that's left of my million blogging topics!). no wonder too then that some writers carry around a tape recorder, and instead of scribbling frantically on whatever scraps of paper they can find, simply press the "record" button n speak discreetly into it. this method, i conclude, is no too bad for an illegible writer like me. but, not something i m crazy enough to do.

what i m crazy enough to do, however, is spending loads of money on books. i decided, after walking out of borders tonight, that my number one obsession is books. if you were to add up the value of the books i own... it'll come up to... (i had actually left the comp to go to my shelves to do a rough calculation!) at least $3000. and not to mention that i've only begun to accumulate this when i started working. so... in the short 6 n half years, i have enmassed alot! n mind you, i only bought them during sale (i get staff price!) so can u imagine the retail value? n these are just books i kept for myself. n i give books as presents. so yeah... i ve spent way more than what i have got left on the shelves! n hmmm... there's many books i've loaned out that's gone missing too... sigh. a small price to share the riches of knowledge? (haha... sorry kinda cheesy today... dunno why)

since i m talking abt books, let me tell you that for b'day, i ve gotten

- C.S Lewis' "Weight of Glory". which i have just finished. it was a delightful surprise fr M1 L. n it was a small miracle in itself cos it was small chance that anyone could get me a book that i hadnt already own. n on top of that, a book that i wanted to buy (like real soon, at the staff sale!) more on lessons from the book another time.

- $20 Borders gift card. from my lovely staff team. besides the wonderful card and dim sum treat. that's the reason for my late night borders shopping today after Supper Min cos today's the last day for the 30% online voucher. so i grabbed the chance to buy books there at 30% less. got "Masterclass in watercolours, oils, acrylics and gouache" and "starbucked".

so yeah... the borders gift card paid for "starbucked" which is, no prizes for guesses, on the story of starbucks! (did i tell u i love starbucks? i think it's revolutionary in creating a culture that was unthinkable. who would have thought you could sell a cup of coffee at $5 and pp would queue for it? v much like stories on Mac, Coke etc. culture changers, trend-setters. i love innovation n creativity, n of course world domination! wahaha. ok... i got carried away. more of that in another blog entry way later.) i had a hard time putting down Khaled Hosseini's "Kite Runner" and "a thousand splendid suns". it's only when i was nearing the cashiers' ( it was a v long queue!) that i decided, since i got a kino voucher from my company as bday gift, i shall buy "Kite Runner" with that.

- $10 Kinokuniya Voucher. refer to above.

(gotta note here that i've also gotten many other stuff that i really m thankful for. im blessed with lots. not so much abt the gifts, i'm talking abt their givers.)

so yeah... books are my obsession! i had even been toying with the idea of stopping work for a year to read, self-study (i dont have money to finance my studies la), paint, take pics! n if i do, then i'll be a frequent sight at starbucks! haha. which one i wont tell ya! more hahas.

sigh... dream on. if i dont work, where got money to paint? or buy frappucinos? chey. dream on darling!

wow i can really rattle on eh? oh oh, more thoughts. quick grab them!

i m energised by my book purchases! n i do really need to budget book money. i cant juz spend on them. someone (i forgot who... no surprises there) told me that sometimes spendthrift-ness (err... wat s the word or its correct form?) can be mistakenly labelled as generosity or masked by good bargains n we dont get to deal with our lack of discipline in handling money. well, i think i need to look into this area. i cannot be penny wise yet dollar foolish.

---

on my way out of the train station (oh i boarded the last train again tonight), my MP3 was playing "i can only imagine" n i think the line that caught my attention went like " when your face is before me...blah blah..." n i began imagining



well, if i m to see God face to face... i'd know i'm home. finally. that's when all my desires n pining will be fulfilled. the ache n pain (Rom 8:23) will be soothed. my joy shall be unexplanable yet complete, tho incomprehensible to me now. i know i shall be still. words will be too empty. i know i would cry tears of joy if there'll be tears in heaven (Rev 21:4). crying juz thinking abt it now

---

i cant even begin 2 thank u for your love! u never fail 2 amaze me with how deep your love is. i know n believe ur every "i love yous".

2.04pm

2.11am
imagine with me. something got stuck on you. dun ask wat. watever. n u try to take it off. it sticks to your hand. you try to pry it away with your other hand n it gets stuck on that other hand. you shake it, it doesnt fall off. you try using other apparatus. doesnt budge. its so darn stuck.

next. you try to throw away something on your desk, deciding that you've had had enough of it. dun ask wat. watever. you dump it into the wastebin beside your desk. n when you lift your head, it's there. back on your desk. you do it like 10 times with the same result. then you take it and walk to the rubbish chute, and throw it down. you saw it go down. but when you return to your desk, there it is again. then this time you tried to make sure you get rid of it by personally handing it to the rubbish collector when his huge rubbish truck came around. then you walk back to your house, to your desk. and sitting right there: it.

you can slum down into a heap of despair, shake your head in total disbelief, sink your chin into your palms in frowning resignation or laugh hysterically as if you've lost your mind. you can do one or all the above, even in sets of different permutations. but you juz cant walk away fr it. it's stuck as stuck is, on you.


imagination or realisation?
impossiblity or reality?
cup half full or half empty?
nightmare or wildest dream come true?
blessing or curse?

it is not how physically fit you are. it s more abt mental strength than physical stamina. tried to run on deepavali hol... n horror of horrors, i only managed to run 3k n walked 9! sigh... i wasnt tired or totally washed out. i juz didnt wan to run n didnt push. i could if my state of mind was otherwise. so yeah... i'm so dead for stand chart this year.

i realised that pp shudder abt getting a year older. it's funny... cos we are a day older everyday. and 4 most pp this compuonded reality only hits on their b'days. which is sad cos you're supposed to be happy dat day, not horrified. ahha. anyway, i've found more friends who were mournful to my surprise. for me, the horrors havent gotten me. i enjoyed being 27 last year. while i m pretty happy abt being 28, i did wonder if i would enjoy being 28 as much as i did 27 or more. i felt more than assured. if jn 10:10 or 15:5 is any true.

anyway, things were beginning to look up during the lull in my stressed period. then more work got placed on my plate. haha... n i began to wonder if i had only began to feel better so that i coud take on way more - took on presentation of OA 141 after pp culdnt n wouldnt do it, took on IC to organise Sisiterhood when pp couldnt n wouldnt, n then took on organising a med sisterhood, n d super-stressful accomplish-all showcase all, multi-media presentation in 30min campaign vision casting slot in meta. so yeah... while i took a breather from my speaking engagements and all kinds of projects, i took on more. i have decided that i m almost an innocent party in this "kill evan with min" conspiracy. haha. somehow, i oddly got this assurance that God is with me in all of this. tho right now, i have laboured almost futilely at the laptop. so yeah... now i m wondering if wat i juz typed is of any sense. no going back to read it. juz blabbering on.

cyn cooked us crabs eve of deepa when za n i visited. had a wonderful pig-out. we all (4 of us) continued to attest to God's faithful providence tho we had to admit it hadnt been easy. (understatement there). cyn looked so bloated n round...pregnancy in full glory!

JLo gave birth on deepa! n the time i visited them got blogged on cyber posterity. didnt know my visit that tiring day could been such a blessing to them n me. silly boy... couldnt u have come out on the 3rd?!?! u r late!

can u imagine how many of my friends r still getting hitched these 6 weeks? 6 friends! 6! (qwei, cheong c, pris long, gerald & dawn, sharon, jenn) n how many more r giving birth in these 6 weeks?!?! 4!!!!!!! (jac, cyn, yvonne, val) i m so broke! so happily poor!! so... u can ask me out... but do give alms k? lol

had a gr8 time with leen, XL n Di on sat. it s really a HUGE blessing we can still celebrate each other still. been tog for more than half my life! eeks! it is beginning to be embarrassing to tell others how long weve been friends! muahaha.

QW tied the knot on sun. had a gr8 time catching up with JC friends. we marvelled at how she successfully kept us in the dark for 5 years, shocked at our inability to recover from our disbelief, laughed at how she dared to invite me to be her wedding singer, agreed dat i make a better last min emcee than that brave, poor inexperienced guy. n of course all of us gathered round val like good old times to listen to her tell stories except this time, it's abt her n her pregnancy. she's still the matriach. hahah.

Jon sms me today to ask if i could bring up the exhibition to this sat. yes my artwork's gonna go on show. but this week's really bad. i got 2 presentations to make on tues n wed n i m dying here.... dun think i hav time... dunno if i'll take up his offer. but wat a dream come true. hope i can pull this off. i'm keeping my fingers crossed! but wait... how can i do dat, if i need to use them for typing?! hmmm...

sorry havent been blogging as much as i should. been really busy n stressed. n so very tired. been sick. n my vocal cords are in bad shape, according to an expert who ordered me not to sing for next 2 weeks n not talk as much or fast as usual. havent been checking my personal email or on msn in a while. sorry... (esp to ning... who was wondering y i didnt reply...)

yes... my birthday's juz passed. so how was it? to be truthful, it's the worst birthday i had in decades! haha... even b4 d day, things were bad (see previous paragraph) n i felt like this spoilt brat asking n demanding fr my family wat they would be giving me for my birthday. think i m regressing. instead of becoming a graceful n understanding adult, i behaved worse than when i was a child!

in the morning, had this really terrible brush at the shop while trying to buy my Canon H5IS. had woken up early to go down to shop so dat i could ve the whole aft to spend with God, journal and then work. it was an interesting feeling being a minority in Little India. the shop was totally crowded by pp trying to get stuff b4 deepavali. the shop keepers didnt bother with me until like 20 min later n even so, they took forever... n i mean FOREVER to fulfil my purchase. while i saw tens (i'm not kidding) of customers paid up for mere $100+ worth of merchandise, me, a big spending customer was ignored. i was close to tears at least 3 times in the 1hr 30min i was in that shop! but seriously, i preferred to buy from these pp then the chinese retailers in Sim Lim. pretty dishonest. by the time i finally walked out of the shop, i had managed to get them slash their price by more than $200! Indians are more straightforward. name their price, u wan u get, dun wan suat. dun wan to serve u oso can c. no fake smiles, over-inflated price-tags or effervescent courtesy dat dissipates once u put ur foot down on not buying. haha. disclaimer: i'm chinese. juz a matter of opinion not a matter of fact. n to those who warned me, well, i feel as much at home in little india as i m in chinatown.

tried to work on dat day. felt v stressed out n tired throughout the day. actually took a nap in coffee club where i sat for the whole afternoon n then forced myself to wake up sufficiently to work. didnt work out.

night- had a way big, totally out of proportion blow-out wif sis after celebration with family. due to a long-time build-up of frustration. sigh. tried to continue to work. but took way long to complete a simple task. brain couldnt work properly. heart out of whack too. sigh.

well, the day wasnt a total wash-out. tho it was terrible, i oddly didnt feel upset or anything juz cos "it was supposed to be my day n it was terrible". maybe cos i'm way too old. this birthday didnt feel all that special to begin with. like all the magic that birthdays used to hold for me juz faded away. i wouldnt have noticed it if not for the relentless smses n calls n pp saying "hapy birthday!" maybe cos i ve been feeling so bogged down with work n min n so terribly tired dat all i looked forward to was to rest. n i didnt get much of it the day before my birthday, or even the day or night of my birthday either. maybe i had a "hard heart" n didnt feel the proper emotions as i should be it joy or disappointment or remorse. juz felt a huge failure n sinner in many ways.

well the one salvaging part of the "terrible" day was dinner. managed to settle some emotionally draining dispute b4 going for dinner. i desperately needed to cos i was on the verge of cancelling dinner too. well, dinner was terrific. v aesthetic. gastronomically fantastic. service was the best ever. and of course the bill was a big fat one! thanks for the treat darling! shall upload pics next time... feeling lazy now.

thanks for the many well wishes n presents. juz you remembering means alot to me. some of the verses you guys quoted made me think.eg. on the desires of my heart. got me thinking what the desires of my heart are. a huge amen to the blessings said, prayers uttered. thank you!

i've got lots to tell ya...but hor... feel like some kid with bad comp skills... so here... hee hee:

celebrated mum's birthday last sat at Esmirada. had a gr8 time there. ate ratatouille. tot it so delicious that we ordered a 2nd! had spanish cremata - flaming, man! then a wonderful treat of plates breaking.
then went to sis's workplace. my sis ah... she big shot leh... biggest on the site! her office is the biggest! haha.. but hor walking around the construction site felt like walking in a 3rd world country. boards here, planks there... walk ard so buay zai. really take my hat off her! so ZAI! i marvelled at how she could work and thrive in such a place. so proud of her! n m thankful to God for how he has protected and blessed my sis!
then went to some place c "colourful" stuff, then went to buy earrings for mum.
was a very very fun 'trip' with family. really enjoyed the time togther.
then on sun, had christmas comm meeting. was so impressed with bro! good leadership, good facilitation skills, good delegation, and the best part was when he gave a short devotion after the prayer time. was so moved by his message on Matt 6:33 n Is 40:31!
it was a weekend of being thankful for my family and being so proud of them!
i love my family!

WATCH THIS SPACE... changes akan datang...

evan will blog again

sorry i havent blogged for a week!
been too lazy, n busy.

how m i?
could be better.
felt dat my brain cannot think! sigh... need to go sharpen my brain... perhaps chill it or something. there's too much min stuff that needs sharp thinking n i felt i wasnt up to it this week.

wat is a wise person?
i think after fumbling for an answer on tues, and hearing the speaker (YK) during LM, i think a wise person is someone who takes God at His word.

last sun was v interesting. after blogging abt not feeling anxious n wondering if i should start getting anxious. it things didnt change. i spent the whole afternoon waiting, then prep as best as i could then prepared to go out for dinner with art gals. it was when i was walking from my room to the bathroom that i got INSPIRATION! that i got my message. i felt the message being deposited into my heart, that i needed to address this, this n that, n so on. but i didnt have time to put it on paper or on my comp cos i needed to go out. grabbed a piece of paper so i could scribble message on. on the trained i called my bro to help me buy some art paper think A2, A1 size. he wasnt planning to step out of the house, but he went anyway despite initial reluctance. n after getting something not wat i wanted, n i kinda begged him to go back to get the colour i wanted, he went down again. n 4 3x too. m touched. by the time i reached home, i was v tired. n felt i couldnt really put what i needed onto the ppt. felt i couldnt press on even tho most times i would have stayed up n pia it thru. decided to go sleep 1st n then wake up ard 3 to do it esp since i still wasnt gan cheong at all. then in toilet, it occurred to me that i should ask God if He wants me to sleep or to press on. n if He wanted me to press on He needed to give me energy cos i was really WAY tired. after coming out of the toilet, i felt totally refreshed n energised. then i plopped myself at my comp n worked on. [if i m messenger, then i need to ask my Boss if i m done working or work on, n get strength fr Him to work on] was a simpler message n yet i felt i spoke wat i needed. it came right up to the time i m given. no more, no less. amazing.

God really grew me thru these weeks in learning my role as His messenger. wait for His message. He is never late. He will speak. n speaking at churches felt like "all in a day's work" for me. like doing DGs. when pp asked me how it went, my answer was "ok" n they thought it wasnt good. but it was. i dun get "high" or overly excited or anxious or worried abt it anymore. i felt i did what God wanted me to, n i learnt not to look to the audience for affirmation on dat like i used to. like after DG, i dun get ask "how was it? was it good?" i felt more like, i said wat i felt needed n left it to God, n moved onto my next work thingy. i was kinda surprised i felt this way. well well... all i can say is, i began to understand the move of God better in messages as i have begun to know His ways in the diff DGs.

tmr leading worship. my throat's working up. coughing right now as i type this. it hurts as well as irritates. Lord, help. need my voice tmr. heal me.

had a good time at the beach with lb. learnt not a few things. haha.. biblical application.
take the Gospills. 3 times a day, after meals. or preferably as often as you can, whenever is necessary. if it doesnt help, come back n we'll put you on a course of anti-deceptives. haha.

i havent gotten my tomorrow's message together. not even the bits. n i m wondering if i should be panicking. it's kinda worrying that i m not worried. maybe it's the pub hol mood at work, or the rainy, sleepy weather that's placed a spell, or just maybe i m just too tired after this trying week n my brain's desperately need a break. i'm glad i'm not panicking now cos it'll be so "no-no"... to ask God to give me His message and while waiting i worry my head off. but i must say there is still pricky pokey feeling around me somewhere trying to tempt me to get really desperate. especially when i dont have the night to work on it. well, God pls come thru for me. for Your people. i'm just Your messenger. shant run off without receiving the message. --- sat in wendy's DG yesterday. here's what went on in my head: what i say or do in my DG does have a multiplying effect. it does get passed down. whether good or bad.i was struck at the responsibility yet felt thrilled to see the multiplying effect at work. gotta watch what i do. i began to see the privilege and joy, besides the awesome responsibility of "imitiate me as i imitate Christ" the importance of tranferability is reinforced in my mind. whether what i say n do in discipling others can be learned and passed on well and effectively without a watering down or changing of meaning n message. was thankful that my gals are led and guided by my Lord. what they've learned fr me in DG + their own preparation n Lord's leading = wow! i wouldnt mind being in their DG! so cool huh. it's such a wonderful thing to be involved in God's work, in building into lives and seeing them do it too - disciple others, give messages etc. so proud of my disciples who are spiritual multipliers! what a joy, honour to know them! --- i finally can say i love C.S Lewis! God used his "The Problem of Pain" to minister to me in the area of "resident evil in man", issue of self-will n surrender, about the uniqueness and longings of each soul and heaven! it has been almost like a devotional. i would somehow ponder or talk about an issue, then almost God addressed it in the book! God taught me and brought me to greater depth of understanding. n this went on for about a week. plain amazing. here's my fav part: p150 - There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven; but more often I find myself wondering whether, in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else. You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend to your side who appears to be seeing what you saw – but at first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realize that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported. Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of – something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breakthrough, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat’s side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it – tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear….Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, ‘Here at last is the thing I was made for.’ We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all. [he just goes on n on without breaking for a new paragraph!!!!] …the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you… Your soul has a curious shape because it is hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the Divine substance…Blessed and fortunate creature, our eyes shall behold Him and not another’s. All that you are, sins apart, is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction… God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love. Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it – made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand. …All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of your consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever. …The thing I am speaking of is not an experience. You have experienced only the want of it. The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought, or image, or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself.

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow.
Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't. (The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.) Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something.
You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from monkeys?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain,felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it sir... The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive. .

WANT TO KNOW WHO THAT STUDENT WAS?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The student was ...

Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam,
the current President of India and
this is a true story.

(i'm not sure how true... juz pasting the article sent me... let me know if source is inaccurate)

on MC today cos my left ear lobe is infected!!! its the same old prob 10 years ago... sigh... became bad. infection + stuck earring = painful, costly trouble. doc say thankfully i didnt wait a few more days cos it'll turn v bad. yep..came asap after an hour of futile tug-of-war on my own. so enlisted doc's help (with money of course) it was painful as Dr tugged at earring and then drained the pus and blood. when i got up, there was a little pool of blood on the pillow! n my ear's all bandaged up.

will go down to NUS later for prayer meeting nonetheless. had already miss WWDP already.

ytd was a wasted trip to NTU. they were out of the model i wanted. man... silly of me to have called to ask for everything except if they had stock! so ytd. i travelled from my home to NUS, NUS to NTU, from boon lay to Pasir Ris, then back home again. i spent more than 5 hours commuting! juz fr NUS to NTU took me 1 hour! hence,i had ample time to sleep n read "Teacher" the Henrietta Mears Story. was so good! finally, a woman role model! she influenced Billy Graham(dun tell me u dunno him), Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade for Christ - the largest Christian organisation in the world - as quoted in the book), Dawson Trotman (founder of Navigators), and 400 more into full time ministry, and much more in the marketplace. n thats not all. shant put all her credentials here. but yeah... AMAZING woman

finished the book in a day! v thin book lah... =p so with dat, i've read at least 33 books this year (got a few rereads which i dun really count or can recall... wonder if i can end this year with 45...

a little more on "Teacher" The Henrietta Mears Story :

"there is no magic in small plans. when i considermy ministry, i think of the world. anything less than that would not be worthy of Christ noe od His will for my life." (p19)

"teach the Word clearly and correctly to the end that people may come to know Christ as asviour and Lord and to grow spiritually, faithful in every good work." (P29)

"will you stop looking at your problems and wringing your hands in despaor?
faith and despair cannot remain in the same heart.
take you choice; trust God or worry. You cannot really have both." (p32)

"God has an answer. Jesus said that we must make disciples of all men. we are to take His Gospel to the ends of the earth. we must become evangelists even though evangelism is not recognised in our day as a valid program. and we must present the dull doctrine of Christian truth.
God is looking for men and women of total commitment . During the awr, men of special courage were called upon for difficult assignments; often those volunterrs did not return. they were called "expendables." We must be expendables for Christ." (p119)

3 foundational themes: accepting Christ as Saviour and Lord, growing in the faith and developing a vision for the world. (p112)

it's just wonderful to think that what we speak and do are translated some way, in amost mystical and marvelous way, to other individuals and they in turn spread it out and out and out until the circle is so uimmense that we haven't any idea... you dont have to be great. but you can pass on to another the Lord jesus Christ and he, in turn, will amke that man or woman whom He wishes them to be.
what has God told you to do today? would you go home and wite down some decision? dont write down ten decisions. wriet down one decision that you'll do. and ask god to give you courage to fulfill that decision.(p146)

isnt it strange how evil lurks in success as well as in failure, in health adn in sickness, in companionshop and in loneliness?... determine so to live in Christ that by your life you will compel man to think of Christ; God's wisdom to know His will; God's power to do His will - this is really living. (p150)

how do you plan for revival? start with impossibility. see need. throw in a climate ripe for change. then set it on fire. (p115)
---
bill bright's books also are filled with big vision, hard work, dependence on God and much talk and mobilisation towards revival.

"REVIVAL" - a word that seemed so overused in the Church. yet so under-understood, under-experienced. many are afraid... no, cautious would be a better word... many more dare not ask, pray, seek for revival. reading books on great men like Smith Wigglesworth, Charles Swindol, Charles Spurgeon, John Wesley... they never shied away from the word, working towards it with all their energies. small wonder we the 21st century church dont see what the Church throughout centuries have seen. "you have not because you ask not..."

how do you deal with SNT?
---
had a gr8 day yesterday... after speaking, FC dropped me at Park Mall where she was going. took the opportunity to walk ard. i forgot how i love park mall with its atas furniture and home furnishings. BBBbbeeeeaauuuutttttiiiiifffuuuuulllllllll!!!!
came back n further stoned and dreamt out my house and the design... i need a room for myself... so i designed a room for me as well as my po po (my old kitchen to be converted).
---
i've grown much. m surprised how God changed me thru these 2 weeks of speaking. 2 down 2 more to go!
---
getting my macbook today!!!
---
going for BSF today!!!!

an unexpected highlight of my day was meeting up wif greg. we met after team retreat at KAP macs- a place swarming with teens! i havent hung out there in a long while. enjoyed the place tho, insisted on not feeling too old n out-of-place in the sea of sch uniforms. it was a good time tog despite his "marriage promotion".
---
the difference between our 2 year old self n our 22-yr old or 32 yr old self is that the older versions of ourselves fail to comprehend that we r still making "poo poos"- messes - that we cannot even begin to clean up ourselves. n sometimes toodlers mistakenly take their "poo poos" to be chocolates n attempt to eat them (not me!but i've known some 2,3 year olds who did that!) the older version of ourselves may look at our actual messes n think they are good stuff we've come up with n pride ourselves with them.
---
was reading an article on perceptions fr 21/08's ST RECRUIT. was reminded that pp's perception determines their reality. i've seen n experienced this almost everyday of my life as a trained and registered SW, as a full time christian worker. pp say and work out their perceptions leaving others in a cloud of puzzlement created by their actions n reactions. n worse so when pp think they are smart, or understanding, n say so themselves often leaving their hearers aghast- "do not think yourselves more highly than you should."
then the other thing dat is affecting us ALL is this concept of righteousness. everyone seems righteous in his own eyes - "what i did was right" or even when he himself is willing to admit he is wrong, tries to justify with "but..." or when pinned about a difficult situation, sees himself as a victim rather than perpetrator. these 2 malaise put together, you get a person who believes in a reality contrary to the accounts of others and asserting that he is right.
n sometimes... juz sometimes... i'm guilty as charged.
---
we cannot feed pp wat they cannot digest - YK
i cannot invite others to live a life i m not living. - article fr leadership journal
good reminder as i prep 4 sunday's message. a bit not easy eh...
---
on tues n wed, God keep reminding me that THE LORD REIGNS, OUR GOD REIGNS... it's not something i was consciously meditating on. rather it's an answer to my prayers. the way it kept popping up was so randomly God-incidental... n also the way it popped into my mind. it has a very different quality of thought and feel to it - different from my own thoughts n feelings if u noe wat i mean. well... such assurance was much needed. MUCH needed. yes... our God reigns!

went to pierce my ears today. finally got it done! the 1st time was 10 years ago, n i had let both sides closed up. had a little shock when it hurt more than i rem! my ear lobes are fiercely red for an hour or two and whenever i accidentally touch it, like when i changed out of my clothes, or tugged my hair behind my ear, it shot a biting protest to my brain.

had the extra push from shu-en when after a dg hearing abt me walking in the bazar looking at ear rings, she went n bought a pair for me. she had wanted to give me last fri but we missed each other. so yesterday at AGM, she gave me. it brings a smile to my fave juz recalling how she was kinda excited abt it all, and tried to add suspense saying, " i got something for you, but i'm not giving u now" wif a twinkle in her eye. i wondered if she knew i didnt have pierced ears like her.

so yeah,,, now nursing my throbbing ears... n hopefully soon enuf can wear the nice doggy ear rings she gave.

charm sms me on mon to say sge missed me. so nice 2 noe!

had OA141 meeting tonight. such a load off my shoulders that we got our timeline out and we are launching on 7 oct. the comm was gr8 and so bursting with ideas i had a little bit of difficulty getting them back fr throwing ideas to settling on some to work on and putting into our schedules. but yeah. m glad we settled the prog n work for the next 6 weeks!

i ve learnt alot abt myself these past 2 weeks.
thru staff summit n connect conf n juz working n doing min.

i've learnt that i blame myself ALOT. way too much. i have to learn to regulate and be fair to myself in that way.
i've learnt that to love means to give up always having to be right.
love covers a multitude of sins/wrongs.
love is patient, love is kind, love does not keep a record of wrongs...love bears all things.
to love is to give up my self-righteousness.
yet at the same time, not to take up being wrong when there's no wrongs on my part to bear.

i've come to deeper realisation of what it means that the Lord is our vindicator, our advocate, our mediator. and how He takes on slime, slander and blame EVERYDAY abt His character, abt what He has allowed in the world... n how we cannot even take being maligned for a sec. we try to fight n get justice for ourselves etc.

i've learnt to ask, "what is the Christ-like thing to do in this situation?" not so like the WWDJ question which i tihnk has become more a cliche that a help.

i've learnt to lean on others, to receive their support and love. to trust in them being able to catch me.

i've learnt to learn, unlearn, relearn. huge difference these 3.

apple has done it again... really... these guys are dedicated to b number 1, n dedicated to outdo themselves! competitors... eat their dust!

check out Steve Jobs' sept presentation

http://stream.qtv.apple.com/events/sep/s83522y/m_63827621b_650_ref.mov



quotes from the presentation:



"That’s what we set out to do, and we think we did a pretty good job at it."

to the cheers fr the audience when he presented the ipod classic. "But... we're not done yet!"

"when we released ipod in jan people say it is the best ever.. but we have better yet.. "and goes on to introduce the ipod touch.



wow watching the pres on ipod touch, not a few ideas popped up in my head on how i can use it for evangelism, for work on campus! safari n youtube on ipod touch with wifi capabilities! n the screen is so cool, can see the webpage properly, unlike other pdas with wifi. n it's juz 8mm thick!



haha.. but but... i'll wait a year or two! cos i owned my ishuffle for barely a year and we now have new, better stuff! so yeah... wait...

was trying to prep my sunday message. but have been v tired n had other things dat threw me off course. today at connect conf, evan (SP) came up to me and said hi. n told emily (N2) whom i was talking to dat we(the 2 evans) met each other cos she attended my workshop last dec's conf, which, according to her, was v good. n she told me that she can still rem it! n proceeded to tell me wat she rem. i felt v encouraged. v. esp when i ve not prep like i wanted to for this sun message. n she ended saying God will use me. i m so saying "amen!"to it! typing this now cos i m juz to lazy n distracted to journal.

i sometimes get so irritated by how the boarding passengers block the exiting passengers trying to squeeze past them before they can get off. and yesterday, i was so so tired. and i was standing in front of these 2 persons who got off. and before i can make a move to claim a seat cos i m the closest standing passenger, a lady tried to squeeze pass me. so i let her. and she obnoxiously put her hand onto the empty seat beside her and called to her friend. her friend didnt want to sit and hence a "no i dont want to sit" "seeeet lahhhh" for 3 minutes! then they called to their friend who was talking on the phone at the far end of the cabin. and after some time, that 3rd lady finally came to sit. -_-

well, today my dad sms me this:
MRT pledge -
we, the passengers of MRT, poise ourselves as one kan cheong people. regardless of old folks, kids or pregnant women, to rush for unoccupied seats, based on pushing and shoving, so as to achieve rest, slumber and sleep for our comfort.

pls........

had started typing at this entry pretty happily. but sian now. my mood changed so fast! esp wen i m tired. so sorry then. had wanted to blog quite a bit.
well, shall keep it to the bare minimum.
today's the 7th anniversary of my Jesus ring. got it in 2000 19 sept. cheers to being His.

watched Rataouille with charlene n joanne. was good... made us really want 2 eat... n if there was a dish "ratatouille" selling nearby, we'd b sure patrons of the eatery. so yeah... got me all interested... n after searching online, i realised how it is so almost impossible a dish to be set b4 the world's most critical critic! remember how anton ego n skinner were taken aback that they were served ratatouille? it's like chap choi in french style. you've got a million ways to do this 'everyday-anyhow' dish. it's a dish mostly taken for granted so really no one serves it in a high class restaurant, much less to the chef's most nightmare, the world's most critical food critic! makes me wonder how one can get such a reaction from eating it (think vege stew... chap choi... can u actually get so moved from tasting it? *scratch head*

included the recipe below.tell me how it turns out should u b bold (or free) enough 2 give it a shot!

Ratatouille Recipe
Ratatouille is essentally a vegetable stew, and as with most stews, the quantities and proportions are variable. Ratatouille is good served over pasta, rice or couscous; or as a vegetable side dish. Tradition preparation of this dish requires browning each vegetable separately to develop individual flavors, then combining them for further cooking to blend the flavors.

Ingredients
- 1 large eggplant, or several smaller ones
- 2 medium zucchini
- 1 onion
- 1 pepper
- 2 tomatoes (more if small)
- 2 cloves garlic
- 2 tablespoons chopped basil, oregano or marjoram (or a mix)
- 2 tablespoons chopped parsley (optional)
- 4 tablespoons olive oil salt

Container: large skillet with cover
Servings: 4
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Directions
Cut eggplant, zucchini, pepper and onion into cubes of about 1/2 inch. Mince or press the garlic. Finely chop the tomatoes, retaining seeds and juice.
Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Sauté the eggplant until it begins to brown a little. Remove eggplant, add to the pan the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil, the onions, zucchini and peppers. Cover, reduce the heat and cook for 10 minutes.
Add garlic and tomatoes and cook 5 minutes. Add the browned eggplant and the chopped herbs and cook until all vegetables are tender - 10 to 15 minutes.
Add salt to taste and serve hot or at room temperature.

source:http://www.recipetips.com/recipe-cards/t--1946/ratatouille.asp

nua the weekend away... stayed home except for a short while to jog. my brain juz refuses to work despite knowing that i have tons to do.
well meaning friends tell me i needed to rest, dat s y. but i noe better... juz needed time off to be by myself. hee. shall go off to do more of my anti social behaviour... shall go offline now... maybe will sleep soon... yawn...
tmr on retreat leave... haha.. yay!

THE LORD'S PRAYER IN SPANISH
Padre nuestro que estás en los cielos Santificado sea tu Nombre Venga tu reino Hágase tu voluntad En la tierra como en el cielo Danos hoy el pan de este día y perdona nuestras deudas como nosotros perdonamos nuestros deudores y no nos dejes caer en al tentacion sino que líbranos del malo.
Amen/Así sea

bought a ring ytd.. dat has this on it. was love at 1st sight. finally... was looking for a thumb ring for the longest time since the red leather one that Di gave me looked more n more like rags. was glad after i purchased it. after that i went to buy the bag i had been wanting to get for the longest time too...yep was in a weird mood yesterday... guess dat s wat being cooped up for the whole week got me feeling. haha... spent $50 in total for my 2 buys.

sorry for disappearing from the cyberworld for so long. to all netizens out there...I'M BACK! was so busy, didnt feel like coming online, then went for staff summit all week...
so yeah... brave yourselves...!

was home all day... felt good retreating into my world with TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. finally got to finish it. lamented dat i didnt get 2 do it 4 sec sch lit. joked to KH at summit dat i was reading it to reclaim my childhood. cooked dinner... a sudden whim came over me when mum suggested to dine out. the enlightening realisation that i really dun like eating out (which i do ALL the time cos i work most evenings). i've never considered myself a homebody... but seriously wouldnt die if i was to stay in for a whole week... got enuf to amuse myself with at home.

so yeah... the day's passed by lazily... restfully... contentedly... juz tot i'd pay a quick penance b4 i run off to NTUC... didnt noe i m so domesticated huh? LOL...
turning into a huang lian po...

random notes... still trying to put my notes n ppt tog. blogging unrelated tots to dispel some of the stress.
- if u dun care for the people you minister to, you cant minister to them.
- if people walk away from your message thinking "what a great speaker!" you have failed.
you would have succeeded when they say, "what a great God!"
- y did Jesus choose Judas?
it wasnt a mistake. Jesus loved judas all the way. wat an example. you dont love only the people who love you. dat, the ungodly also can do.
- wat bus do you most frequently take? it's the USB (universal serial bus)!

SOLEAD teaching tmr. GIG training on fri.
now pia-ing to come up with student notes, ppt, n my lesson. my HDD konged out on me... my notes n ppt presentation is gone. now trying to srcamble to get it all together.

a few of you have been asking how u can b praying for me. i'll put up a prayer request segment where u'll find wen u click the "3rd heart". but since i m v swamped with prep now, i shall do it next week. so for now, i'll update you here.
pray for
- clarity of mind n organisation of thought n student notes,
- good grasp of materials
- clear presentation and effective teaching that the trainees and students will be able to learn n use the training.
- good rest at night

thanks!
oh... i'm packed all the way till next weekend. so sorry... cant hang out!

juz came back from work. poiema lyd msn me... wanting to chat cos she says "
im in the crap mood" but was sensitive enuf to ask me wat i was doing. n after finding out, typed
"i shall leave the bz evan-almighty-not to work"
i tot dat was cute cos i'm gonna watch Evan Almighty with them this sun. ahaha.

anyway, today was a very lousy day for me. cos i was feeling so terribly low n tired.

n now while i m typing the above line, this came in from msn:
MA says:
*hugs*
MA says:
hello! and i hope you are okay!
MA says:
that is all.
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
huh how u noe
MA says:
how i know what?
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
how u noe i need "hugs"
MA says:
erm
MA says:
i don
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
WOW!
MA says:
do you?
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
been pretty low these days
MA says:
*more hugs*
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
really lousy wash out low
MA says:
awww... that sucks.
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
couldnt hold myself tog cry in DG kind of low
MA says:
oh dear... are you better now, or are you still low?
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
u have such perfect timing!
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
i love you!
MA says:
my timing is imperfect
MA says:
God's timing is perfect
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
i dun believe this!
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
yah
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
how God always uses u to love me
MA says:
God just push my button "activate"
MA says:
tee hee hee
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
i m awed
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
wow.. God is so good
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
i m kinda blown away
MA says:
awww
MA says:
praise God then
evanTUALLY фиоритура says:
yep i m
MA says:
*hugs hugs hugs*
MA says:
love you lots and lots!
MA says:
and i think you are too busy.

wow... God IS amazing! i'm encouraged!
ok... now evan almighty-not will get right back to work.

Happy teachers' day to all you 'Chers out there!

got a surprise sms from M1 lois last night:
dunno if this is techincally accurate. but i don't think there's a disciplers' day..so happy teachers' day Evan! x) may God's truth be your joy each day. thank you for giving :-) glad for you.Heh.
(31 aug 12.20am)
n this (after i replied w smthg like "thanks, you've blessed my soul. refreshing surprise..."):
heeh :-D i know you have been a blessing to me and many others. Even though, you know, we've only known each other two months :p God bless the work of your hands :-)

blogging this cos i felt really blessed and appreciated. esp since i didnt expect it. and it's amazingly timely too since today started out to be a dreadfully sian day for me! n seriously, besides the God-orchestrated lessons, i blame it on PMS. argh.

woke up to the reality that i had mistakenly set the alarm clock to 7PM instead of AM. had trouble waking up (wat's new). decided to take cab so as not to be late for M2 DG at 930. walked to quite a few places n taxi stands but got pp. finally got onto a cab whose driver took me on a big round 2 get to PIE (very much to my displeasure). cab fare - $18.90, being late 30min nonetheless - priceless. argh.

the only thing i could find to give thanks for was that last night's prayer to have the ache of knowing how much we need God (kindly prefer to below) was being answered even till now; that everything inside of me was whining, growling, sulking; that this had put me in a place of need n i desperately know i need God.

my DG gals knew it. cos they could see it. and i had to confess it. and i felt it was all the better for us all to see the vulnerability, the struggle, the growl during the not-so-good days, and to see that i m really not-so-gotten-together.

and re-reading lois' sms b4 my N2 DG at 3pm, something hit home. i knew i needed joy. today i walked ard like Oscar the grouch. her "may God's truth be your joy each day" was something i do need. n i realised i needed to claim n live God's truth even in my "argh-i-ness" and make His Word my joy, my delight. to delight in His truth, His statues, His laws, His ways. well, that helped.

another thing that helped was God showing me and reminding me how He really works in me during DG. i really do enjoy sharing the truths and seeing the gals getting wide-eyed n the invisible light-bulb going on in their mind. n i m humbled that it really is God n i, n honoured that He chose to use me.

besides that, it was a keener awareness of my needs for Him, for support, for prayers, for love. and the day ended well with spending time with lb, dinner, work n all.

came home after midnight n got my cheques from cashing out my investments. i didnt lose that much in the market crash afterall. after i decided to cut my losses, i felt so guilty abt being a bad steward n prayed so hard that my losses wouldnt b that bad. well, the markets picked up juz b4 i sold. Praise God!

a masterful writing of yet another day by the Author of life, i must say. it's another "wow!" to God. applause.

the half day leave i took was so refreshing. cos since it was half day, meant i had to work. n working fr home n lb's pl proved so productive n freeing. having now to lock in my time on campus, i missed such flexible work venues n times (wen i was in community). i realised today that i was n still m a very free spirit. n inflexibility crushes n frustrates me. i felt so good really!

it was raining so heavily all over the island the whole day. really thankful to God for withholding the rain when we were returning the flags. cant imagine the trouble we ll have if the stands, poles n flgs were wet. thank You God!

stumbled upon this unique artist in yahoo while clearing mail. Phil Hansen specialises in pointillism and uses internet to bring his art to pp. his projects are amazing!
http://potw.news.yahoo.com/s/potw/23115/strokes-of-genius

http://philinthecircle.com/

juz makes me rem my own dabbling in art. n how drawing, painting n taking pics used to bring so much joy and refreshment to my heart and soul. maybe i really should make time for this. i rem that i was a happy gal during the time wen i did spend alot of my free time on such.

prayed with joanne n a line hit home- make our hearts feel the ache of how much we need You. n i recalled that there was a time wen i more keenly yearned for God than i m now. n, i remembered how my heart ached for God then. n then, i felt my heart ache. not in a similar way, but in the way like when something hard cracks up. i ached for how my heart no longer ache for God. Joanne's prayer was answered almost immediately. now, the ball's in my court. wat do i do when i feel this ache? carry on my work n distractions? put them down to satisfy the ache of my soul?

yes... i'll go off now.

LONGER, DADDY…LONGER
(Gary Smalley and John Trent, from Leaving The Light On)

Recently, a woman grabbed my arm at a conference after I had finished speaking on the enormous need we all have for affirmation.

‘Dr Trent, may I tell you my story?” she asked. “Actually, it’s a story of something my son did with my granddaughter that illustrates what you’ve been talking about – the importance of affirmation.

“My son has 2 daughters, one who’s five and one who is in the ‘terrible twos,” believe me, she is!

“For several years, my son has taken the oldest girl out for a ‘date’ time, but he had never taken the 2-year-old until recently. On his 1st ‘date’ with the younger one, he took her out to breakfast at a local fast-food restaurant.

“They had just gotten their pancakes and my son decided it would be a good time to tell this child how much he loved and appreciated her.”

‘Jenny,” her son has said, “I want you to know how much I love you, and how special you are to Mom and me. We prayed for you for years, and now that you’re here and growing up to be such a wonderful girl, we couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Once he had said all this, he stopped talking and reached over for his fork to begin eating…but he never got the fork to his mouth.

His daughter reached out her little hand and laid it on her father’s hand. His eyes went to hers, and in a soft, pleading voice she said, “ Longer, Daddy…longer
He put down his fork and proceeded to tell her some more reasons and ways they loved and appreciated her, and then he again reached for his fork. A 2nd time…and a 3rd…and a 4th time he heard the words, “Longer, Daddy…longer.”

The father never did get much to eat that morning, but his daughter got the emotional nourishment that she needed so much. In fact, a few days later, she spontaneously ran up to her mother and said “I’m a really special daughter, Mommy. Daddy told me so.”
----

juz like the litle girl of two, we need to know how we are special, and how much we are loved. often the sad tragedy is not that we are unloved, but that we are not told by those who love us so. while we can lament at that, know this:instead of you needing to say "Longer Daddy, longer", your heavenly Daddy is saying to you "longer, child, longer" so that He can tell you all that you long so much to hear. only, will u go? only, will u stay?

again, as in the previous post, quiet time is spending time with Someone who infinitely loves you.

turns out, cloudy sky over singapore blocked our view of tue's eclipse! oh well, it wasnt as if i was sitting ard looking into the sky at that time anyway. was busy with DG and nursing Survivor, then to LM at that time (tues 4-7pm). so the ecilpse slipped my mind!

well, the tan from sat is here to stay. m too lazy to post the pic of how tanned my arm is. so juz take it from me la ah.

LM(tues) was good. good time of reminding all of us wat the one priority, the one thing that is needful - ENJOY GOD (theological sanctification!). quiet time is not learning more about God, knowing more about wht the Bible says, but quiet time is spending time with Someone who loves you infinitely. priority is abt "arranging your life’s activities, so that by doing what I can do TODAY, I can move closer to what I want to be in THE FUTURE"

finally... the Taleban released 12 of the 19 south korean hostages yesterday. they didnt keep up their side of the bargain, holding still 2 more. how long Lord? it's been 6 long weeks, 2 deaths. Your will is indeed a mystery, Your thoughts are not ours, Your ways are higher.

Iran's poised to "fill the power vaccum in iraq" so says Iran's president Ahmadinejad. well well... watch out... Revelations is playing out right before our eyes people! Persia will rise.

Blessed Theresa of Kolkata, or more commonly known as Mother Thersea's private journals and letters will be published next month (Mother Theresa: Come Be My Light) revealing that the saint suffered decades of "dark nights of the soul" where she questioned even her faith. will this "delight her detractors and confuse her admirers. or is it the other way around?" (ST p 37 30th August 2007) well, MOther Theresa concluded that her dark night could help her identify not only with the abandonment that Jesus felt during the crucifixion, but also with the abandonment faced by the poor.

well, all in line with the topic i m studying for this period. teaching "How Can A Loving And Powerful God Allow Evil and Suffering?" at School of Leadership and Development. taught it last year too. but this time's different. gotta revise the student notes n instructors' guide so that others can teach it too need alot of time to do it! read a few books in prep for it. but still not much headway. need to really sit down and set aside enough time to wrestle with the comp!

these2 months will be quite tight with a few church speaking engagements on the workshop i did last dec. m a little apprehensive cos it's like alot of speaking engagements coming together - 5 sessions in 6 weeks. a little daunting. need to pace myself n set aside time to prepare!

took half day leave to settle mis conf stuff. cos returning stuff to Trinity needs to be within office hours... so yeah while i m waiting for my uncle n his pick-up, i finally sat down to blog! i m not pleased with how lazy n tired i m that blogging gets shelved once too many.

Total Lunar Eclipse:
August 28, 2007!!!
click here 2 read NASA's write-up

ah... a change! from forever friends bear to Tatty! well... i'm the sort who likes changes. and sometimes i make a change juz for the heck of it. so yeah...

i had wanted to blog many times throughout this week. but was juz so tired n occupied to do so. well, not so super woman after all eh? i had vacillate from feeling whiny to being hopeful, feeling grumpy and frustrated to getting on top of things. so my busy-ness kinda spared u from taking a roller coaster ride with me!

ytd had fellowship day at labrador park. was there the whole day. got pretty charred... now red like a lobster!

anyway, will be spending today recharging... reading books, listen 2 online sermon and getting into the Word. in prep for more cheong-ing the coming weeks. perhaps more later. ciao

i would consider myself a superwoman if not for my aching body n fatigue! but i'm glad the missions conf is over! phew! i m actually quite amazed at how crazy these past week weeks have been... n how i was riding it. sometimes i can almost feel the exhilaration of adrenaline rush. but well, shant attempt such feats too much.

(BTW, i think my pastors are supermen! it's been a very tiring week for them cos of the wake n prep for some big conference etc. way to go pastors! praying for you! haha... as if they read my blog. well... u never noe... lol)

took 2 days leave to settle missions conference but much of the 1st day was taken at TH's deathbed n family after he is gone. and the 2 days were such a mad rush, both emotionally n physically tiring. (was surprised dat after sharing wif my team, a colleague can pray thanking God for a refreshing break! i looked up in surprise with a "huh? where did that come fr?" look. my other colleagues try to stiffle a laugh.) by sat when the youth track of missions conference started, my whole body ached n i was so so tired! but after a good rest on sat night, woke up today feeling fresh n ready to take on the new day - missions conf day!

today, alot of things went wrong. at the children's track, d laptop, projector failed. but later we managed to get it tog n the prog wen well. was so tiring. sweat as if i ran 5k! log s was a crazy thing. DLee shouldnt gotten a group of guys 2 run instead of juz one person. not easy putting this conf tog but it was worth it. the number of pp going for the workshops was up. glad we tried to put it on sun. n even the pledging was up for the chinese side. let's hope next week ours will be too.

heart sank last night wen i got an email saying that payday will be pushed back 1 day due to new acc syst. u have no idea how much i was looking forward to this particular payday! n then a short but not helpful memo saying that sept's payday will be affected as well... they never say when or wat... sigh... hope deferred makes the heart sick! was juz recalling after vision tea wen SE commented that money is "sheng wai wu" n SW n i juz almost flipped n say "wat?" haha... it's not dat we r money minded... but really...we are really living on "daily bread".

some company's sale tactics are really deplorable! use guilt/embarrassment/insult to sell. dun they have any morals? why take the moral low road? but sad to say, such antics do work on gullible, weak-conscience ones who bear the slime n condescension n willingly fork out hundreds n thousands. sigh... can i appeal to your better sense? dun give in to such unethical sales n marketing antics. u do deserve better treatment. dun pay them to further insult u.

"wat is the right thing to do?" (Yeep 2 hui on drums vs tutoring 4 PSLE)
hmm... gd question. need to learn to ask that more often.

"Sorry" and "Thank you" can sometimes be the cheapest words!
feeling taken for granted and unsupported at the moment.
(by LB n P/chu)

----

i mourn for the lost of dear uncle TH.
remembering that Jesus wept as He saw Lazarus' friends weeping gave me comfort as i wept at his deathbed; wept at the lifeless form on that hospital bed. grieving for the wife, kids and loved ones He had left behind, grieving for the lost of a wonderful man, husband, father, brother in Christ, "Why?" became too weighty a question to ask. i don't ask "Why?" not out of faith, but out of fear. i dare not tread down that path of asking my Whys knowing i cannot bear to have the weight of "non-answers" crush my soul. cos really... only God knows "why". the answers we can come up with just fall short of convincing. so don't you dare offer glib answers. it rubs bad on gaping wounds. in such times like this, one might ask, "what then is faith good for?" "faith", my friend is the only good thing one can hold onto in times like this. faith is knowing that he is in somewhere better than the best we have on earth. that he is in good hands. that we will meet him again. that there is resurrection thru Jesus Christ. faith is strength and hope. faith is praising God despite our disappointments and our tears. faith is wat keeps us going.